General

I am going for therapy after lockdown. I told some things to my brother and sister, that someone already touched me, I’m not clean anymore. I never went through the details, not about the suicide attempts, not the did. I really want to do it for me, and for my boyfriend. To be better. But honestly, I don’t know if it will work. Going to a psych just seems pointless. Idk. Will it? I don’t feel comfortable. I think I can and will do better without going for therapy.

A man is never completely alone in this world. At the worst, he has the company of a boy, a youth, and by and by a grown man – the one he used to be.

~Cesare Pavese

It seems like every time my loved ones try to be “helpful” they just do the complete opposite. Like last night i was talking to my friend saying im probably going in for an xray on my chest and head and an mri and i dont want to because i already had like 5 xrays. (I lost count but its really close to there…maybe 6 idk) his idea of helping me was telling me that other people are in the hospital a lot more often. And i bring up my memory problem with him and he says my memory doesnt seem that bad but it […]

I gave up already. That’s what I said. But I can’t help but want to try and talk to her. I haven’t, but the thought is still there. The hardest part about our friendship was that I always felt like she wasn’t telling me the truth 100%. Like when I would ask her “Are you bothered when I call a lot?”, she would always say “No, it doesn’t bother me.”. But I always felt like she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, so she wouldn’t be straight with me. I remember one time asking “Are you annoyed by […]

Ik you’re trying but you gon’ve to try harder. Just keep going and one day you’ll be there. Stop thinking about the past. Forget it and move ahead. Once you reach there, you can reminisce about the past as much as you want. Just have patience and faith in yourself and you’re gonna get through this, alone and alive. You are brave and I love you. And I trust you.

Me at 3:00 am talking in the mirror, with wet eyes. After saying all this to myself, the first thing that is coming to my mind is a picture of my dead body. It’s a picture […]

It sucks to be the weakest link, to be the most stupid human. I’ve been so bad, so stupid at life, I wanna change this. So much suffering I did it’s crazy. Why did I have to let everyone get ahead, I’ve always respected others, I’ve been afraid of other people. I’m 30 years old, still living with my mother and a grandmother, they make my life hard but I also have a problem with other things and people.

I’m fat, I’m over weight and I’m Juliet. Oh Romeo is a fuck boy thats a stoner. He brakes me to piece and i love it. I can’t live without him anymore. Taking 30 pills is not a fantasy yet a reality. Oh Romeo using me poor Juliet for sex. The one thing I can say that is very normal for the very young age of 5 that if he touch you, you can’t say anything so fuck it. Fall for Romeo because he gives you attention. Fuck you Juliet because Romeo hurt you so badly and you went back. Romeo, Romeo where are thou […]

HEEEEERE I AM IIIIIM DRRRRRUNK AAAAGAIN!!!! LOL
its the weekend and until tomorrow morning my emotions and stuff can take a hike.

Whenever I find myself uncertain about something I flip a coin. It can be about anything. Should I go ahead and say something, should I go get something to eat, should I study now or later etc.. However I don’t just flip coins to make a decision. I also flip coins when something is out of my control. Will I pass this test, am I going to make it through the week, will I ever hear from her again etc. I don’t really believe in a higher power nor do I not believe in one. I’m indifferent to […]

This morning I went for a dawn walk in local woodland. The sun was rising, glinting through the trees, streams gurgling, birds singing, bluebells everywhere. You couldn’t imagine a more perfect scene. It felt pretty great. While I’m appreciating this, I’m listening to a podcast. And one of the hosts recounts an experience they had once in an animal market. They came across a rabbit that had been skinned. Except it was still alive. Someone had removed it’s skin while it was still conscious, and left it there, twitching.

My initial reaction was shock at the extreme cruelty of this. But beyond that, it provoked what […]

And Anyone else wish we as individuals didn’t need validation?

Why cant they understand that!? Im not worth it anymore. Im not the same person they loved. Im someone different now. Im not the me that they loved.

Update because thank you radio for reminding me.
Mothers day is coming up. I have 3 mothers yet none. My biomother who is a f*cking c*nt that started all this bs in my life. My stepmother who swears up and down that she loves me but i almost never hear from her and my mother-in-law, which just isnt the same as im sure some of you understand or maybe you all understand idk. Point is i f*cking […]

I saw you post, but couldn’t comment. I remeber you. You’ve been around for a while. I’m sorry you’re hurting.