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i am for real only suicide idealizing.
to murder is just a hobby. this love of my time is confabulation that adheres to social disorder which can refract to an mental disorder and is at first place a political treat of occurence.
That’s all it takes… a moment. Everything in our lives is affected by every decision we choose to make in every present moment.
Earlier today my Mother chose, in a moment of despair, to go to her closet and get her handgun.
Earlier today I chose, in a moment of awareness, to go upstairs in response to the out of the ordinary noise I heard.
My life could have changed in a moment, and hers could have ended, had I not walked upstairs just as she was about to lock her bedroom door.
I just wanted to remind everybody of how important a single moment in time can be. […]
I’m asking this not because I got dealt a bad hand but rather because I just don’t understand the purpose of life. Even when things were going right in my life I still asked this question and so I’ve always kinda been depressed about life in general. What are we here for? What’s my purpose and whats the purpose of other peoples lives? If this planet will be gone someday then what’ s the point? No one really leaves their mark. That’s just way to make oneself feel better about themselves. 50 years is nothing, 100 years is nothing, 2000 years is nothing, 500,000 years […]
But I can’t.
You say you’re anxious, but you don’t even get panic attacks.
You say you’re depressed, but you haven’t even been properly diagnosed.
You say you’re suicidal, but you can’t even bring even the slightest harm to yourself.
Face it, you’re a fraud.
You’re just a failure.
Weak.
Hate yourself even more.
Kill yourself. End it at last.
But you can’t.
Pathetic.
I lost my job last week. My 5th job in 18 months. I haven’t told my family yet. I’ve signed up for some independent contractor jobs so I can bring in some money. I’m such a coward that I dragged my ass out of bed at 3:30am just to sit in my car all day and maintain the illusion that I have a job…all because I’m too afraid to tell anyone I lost another job. Some agent from the attorney generals office is calling me about the last job I lost. I got an order from the licensing board to appear for an evaluation, so […]
this week i went out with some of the closer friends i have, and noticed that i can actually act normal and conceal everything now. i feel the same no matter what they say, what i say. we watched the film searching and eventually i gave up on killing myself in somewhere hidden.
if you don’t know, searching is about a father searching for his disappeared daughter, i don’t know, it scares me that people’ll look for my rotting body and everything
i don’t know how long it’ll take for people i care to die of old age. i don’t know if i can make it that […]
Life is not fair
Some people are lucky,
Some people are not
Some people live a successful & happy life,
Some people fail miserably & even commit suicide
Everything is just only a random chance
The universe doesn’t care
We are just only a tiny little speck of dust in this vast universe
Nothing matters.
remembered me of a beloved one. like, the last one before I fell into Psychosis.
and there is no logical relationship causing me acting towards that danger. no suddenly, nothing rolling towards neither an immediate agent activity.
starts by oneself. though, I still would marry just to Die with assistance. but, the causes for the suicidality are reflected down. to Life for a Biography does not motivate me. not even compassionate happiness does me. the book is something, .. oh, and rememberance.
feels not like forgetfullness when I need to remind myself chapter per chapter about my own Life. i can not again tear everyone down with my focus on me, to find that me is still more than the average and come down to worthlessness and staggering progress or loose discipline. even if I’d find a similar chance, I always am sick […]
it feels not good to try to get enough of something.
the quality even increases.
close to all is back in my memories.
motivation are cigarettes.
solitude and sanity.
anger? most gone.
like to smile.
can not be left like that though. i would like to still, but the hassle of getting drugs? fears about are just to be conscious when it happens.
also, I can not sleep again through whole months, being vegetative seemingly. it’ll be called an exception some day to get into substances. facing the right medication, therapies.. but nothing of me being Human, any Interest.
Social Networks will Fade. I hate doing waste, doing Moods. Be Happy, most Type of […]
death is eventually going to get us
why not just do it now
why cant we do it
what are the reasons
because someone loves you or the other way round?
its your choice
you need to make it
i cant think of anything to say to convince people to live their life
i just saw this post titled “i dont want the world to end, i just dont want to be in it”
my life feels like that
i dont want to be a burden for everyone i love
i dont want them to suffer for me
to spend money on me that they could be using for themselves
to buy themselves food
not me anything but me
anyone […]
I’ve settled with the day Im going to do it.
My 20th birthday in September.
Absolutely fool proof.
Now I have 9 months to raise the courage.
UPDATE: I drove off the road today. Stopped myself tho.
When we grow up into being an adult, often we are pressured to be “realistic”. But at what cost? Too often, especially when you’re not ‘lucky/fortunate’ enough, all this whole “adulthood” and “grow up” things just turned us into a jaded, weary, bitter, cynical, apathy, limited, empty, cold, sad, & depressed person/individual..
The young, youthful, carefree, freespirit, creative, lively, happy, & dreamy/dreamer “child” / “childhood” in us often times slowly have died.. as we grow up into being an adult..
And for many people, it also usually means that we have to “let go”, or to be more honest & real, I would say that we are […]
I was chatting with my mom, and I didn’t understood something she said and when I asked her, she told me that I was dumb and got angry with me, I felt terrible, because most of the time I don’t understand things, and tried to hold my tears, but began to cry more, and she got angrier and told me that I was just doing a tantrum, but I feel so hurt, I don’t know why, lately in my mind I’ve been telling me that I’m stupid, that don’t deserve good things and then she told me that, so now I’m crying and I can’t […]
I’m tired.
Everyday I think this to myself.
I’m so tired.
You know what I’m tired of. You understand.
I’m so fucking tired.
Difficult to pinpoint what but you, who feels the same way, gets it.
Right?
Fate isn’t real.
Destiny isn’t real.
Purpose isn’t real.
They are all illusion, for people to keep living.
We are the ones who choose our fate, our destiny, and what our purpose is.
I know that, I’ve passed existential crisis before I even entered college.
Gratifying; it leaves you feeling like you can be whatever you want. Fuck society and its limits.
Also, Numbing; it leaves you hollow. The knowledge that […]
I hate that I have to live another day knowing that my ex boyfriend doesn’t care about me and doesn’t want me to talk to him…
I’ve unleashed so much erratic and irrational behaviour to him. I sometimes feel ok, but this guilt is constantly lingering inside me… I’m forever going to have to live with this guilt.
I want to genuinely apologize for all the hurt, pain, and suffering that I’ve caused him but I know he wouldn’t be interested in hearing it.
I am thinking that I should wait a few months to do this, but I am itching to do it now! […]
It’s kind of absurd how one of the worst things in the world has come to feel like the most amazing thing in my mind. How could someone become so morally confused? I suppose it happened gradually. Years of ignoring taboos, pushing boundaries. Sinking to the lowest depths to avoid facing feelings I didn’t know how to deal with.
But I can’t help thinking there was always something inherent in me, some disposition or vulnerability to evil. I don’t think I would have chosen this from a position of total moral clarity. Something was always wrong, and it just grew with me.
Could it have been otherwise? […]
February 14th is of course Valentine’s day
February 15th marks 6 months since my fiance died
I just can’t bear the thought and I think I might kill myself on the 14th
My world is a frenzy of shitty results and sharp corners. I’m expected to be perfect because I’m the youngest only girl, but apparently that’s not what’s gonna happen. I used to be a Christian but now I think otherwise because of something’s i just recently found out. My boyfriend cheated on me after four years, with my BEST FRIEND, and my parents don’t even blink an eye. They say “hey since he slept with your friend you get to sleep with his.” As if I want to sleep with a player. I’m on this website so that someone can tell me what to do, […]
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