General

So, here I am again. Writing on my laptop. Writing my thoughts. Putting them on the screen. Why? I’m not exactly sure. I feel that I’m just a prisoner in this
life and I have nowhere to go and no one to be with. No one understands me! Wow that sounds like an angry teenager and I’m 30 ha. I hate this life. I just don’t fit in.
I don’t get why so many people want to live this way. Live in a world that seems so backwards in so many ways. The way the majority eats. The way they transport.
The way they package […]

…this is the only ‘social’ media that I’ll grace with my presence from now on.

Months ago I read a serious article online, advising netizens on their way out to make sure not to leave behind their digital footprint lest it be misused after their exit. Decided to act on the advice now.

Never been on snapchat or instagram. Put facebook for deactivation more than a month ago. Checked outta linkedin and behance last week. Left my whatsapp groups (except four that’d raise questions); will uninstall it after quitting my job next to next month. Deleted an alternate email account (wasn’t using it much anyway, tbh). I’ll […]

i think i dont want to live another year

I feel good when l’m Alone.
Other people make me feel lonely.
Others fuck my life more than myself.
I don’t like that other people don’t help me achieve my dreams. I feel that people should help each other achieve our goals

My Mom told me she is afraid of me commiting suicide. With her own words, she said she is afraid of me bumping my head so hard untill i die.Im so ashamed of myself. I had another rage attack this morning while my Mom was driving me to school. I started screaming very loud with a raspy voice while i was kicking the inside car with my legs and hitting with my feast the car’s glass so hard that i almost brake it. She also said that she thinks im using hard drugs and bc of that my temper is getring darker. Im just another […]

It’s not fair. Good people who live happily are the ones who die and miserable people which have had life shitting on them for years (just like me—) still suffer because of the fear of killing themselves. That’s not fair. I dont want to be alive and still I am. Those who die never want to.

people here remind me of the ape meme “Together ape strong” but how does collective weakness help each other. maybe its because we can commiserate and that may be all some of us need to get back up. not me. not for the vast majority it may seem. i often wonder how many of us truly wants to get better. the suffering is so familiar i feel wrong without pain and agony in my daily life. i dont even know if i cant get better or i dont want to get better, maybe ive just failed so many times ive given up on distinguishing the […]

It’s been a hard few weeks emotionally. I feel like I’m going to have a breakdown of frustrated tears and break lamps and mirrors. But i just try to keep it contained as much as possible. I haven’t been talking about my problems to anyone because i feel like i can’t really lean on anyone emotionally. I keep all of my problems bottled up tight and i know its bad but i feel like there’s a chance that someone will tell me that my feelings are invalid and that i shouldn’t feel the way i do. Or that I’m being overdramatic. I’d rather keep it […]

(Ramblings; not actually seeking answers or replies)

Why does it hurt when I think of someone I love being happy with someone – especially a friend who betrayed my trust? When that love is so intense; when it makes me doubt if anyone has truly experienced it. when it’s the proportional context for everything else in my life. when for as long as I’ve had the blessing of having them in my life, them being happy was the only thing that has ever mattered to me. Given that, why then does it hurt to think of them happy with someone else?!

Because the person that makes them […]

I hate myself so much. I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t have reported the guy. I don’t even know anymore. Honestly apart from the creepy stuff… we talked for a while. I admit that was nice. I wish I had just firmly told him to stop kissing me and stuff. I’m an asshole. I was emotional and too afraid of him at the time. I’m not saying what he did was ok, it wasn’t. Alot of this is completely my fault. He was actually willing to just be my friend, and said we could go out back into the public area if I felt […]

Just had another anger attack for no reason at all. When i do, i start hitting myself and bumping my head against the wall, i start pulling of my hair untill it comes out,i try to scream (but i dont because there is usually someone near),i cut my wrists and legs by myself and i get in a violent mood. I cant contol my rage, and furor is fucking killing me. In exactly 15 days im finaly going to the Psychrist and get a medication. My parents want’s me to get medicated since a couple of years ago, but i totaly refused to […]

I just watch a drama where a suicidal depressed woman find magic and regain her lost dream
Just when she at the bottom of her live and want to die… the magic come
Once again she have a chance to change her life and she finally living her dream job
She shine so bright even tho she know the price of the magic is her life
She will die in 1 year

What a beautiful story…
I wish magic come to me too
Give me a chance to change my life
Having will and bravery to reach out my dream
But when the death come in […]

I have schizoaffective disorder. Do you think it will continue when I die?

It seems like every move forward in life i make the farther down i fall. The more detached i become from reality. From myself. He might see hope. A place to actually start life. But i see a black void. I see things getting darker and worse. I dont see happiness. I wish i could. But instead i just see more stress. And the weed. The less said about it the better. It doesnt help at all. It just makes things worse. The thoughts dont stop. They just become easier to hide. People just THINK im ok. They just THINK its helping. With each passing […]

If so what happened in your past life and what happened after you died if you remember?

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I go to the mall near my house
In my bag therr is a new defense knife that i just bought recently
I use the elevator
Use the lift to go to the top floor
There is my favorite place there
Balcony
When you look down you can see people swarming like a fish
Its a foodcourt place right below me
I can see people eating laughing and buying food
If i fall from this balcony
I wont die
But it will be a surprise for them
If i cut my self
And let the blood flow
They will see a blood dripping to their […]

I’m not exactly sure what I am doing with my life. I don’t know the last time I felt ok. It’s been a while. Years. Maybe 5 or 6. I feel as if I’m losing my mind. I don’t know when or if I will ever feel ok again. I feel like I don’t know myself any longer. I don’t know. I. Just. Don’t. Know. I don’t know how to socialize. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a car. I don’t have any money. 0 money. Actually negative. I have no money in my bank accounts or any cash. And I owe over […]