i wish i can just die. like just die and go off. everything is too much to handle not because things are that hard it’s because i’m a coward. i’m just lazy. i eat, i panic then i eat. i want to fucking starve to fucking death but no i’m too lazy for that. i want to cut but i’m too lazy to clean after so i just end up sleeping. just sleeping and sleeping until my life goes away and my parents scream at me for not doing anything useful or helpful. i’m even lazy that i don’t finish my purge. how dumb is […]
Category:
Rants
next year I’m supposed to go to college
but when somebody asks me what do I want to study I don’t know what to say to them.
I never thought that I would make it pass this age.
Don’t be confused, this isn’t a survivor story, I’m not happy to be here.
I feel so lost and they expect me to think of something to study next year but I don’t want to do anything with my life
I’ve never planned to turn 18 so my future is really foggy, to be honest
I have two brothers who despise my father as well. He had always demeaned us since we were children(the oldest[aka kuya] is at least 37 and my other brother who lives with us is 24, I am 17 turning 18 in august). This is my last year of highschool and my father continued to tell me I would never graduate and amount to anything(to this day). He left beginning of Sophomore year and left my mom with no money when we were getting kicked out. I had talks with my mother while we were adjusting to our new life, and she admits that shes okay […]
i keep thinking that no matter how long i’ll live ill still be giving my life away and work only to support shitty companies that will eventually ruin earth. Even lets say i became something as noble as an author, i’d still be carried away with making books ruining tree for example. And even how people in fashion are trying to sell us things back, things that were on trend then died from trend but now since they ran out of ideas they sell the same things again, and we still buy it’s dumb. more of life not meaning anything. We cannot fix this messed […]
I am a suicidal survivor. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, though. You think that once you have finally made it past being suicidal and depressed that you’ll always feel better; there are no simple fixes to being mentally broken. It’s not a broken bone that will one day heal. Even though I do not actively want to die, i’ll hear a song, or watch a show that I watched or listened to when I was hurting and depressed and I will spiral down the rabbit hole once more. The emptiness still lingers, and I still have thoughts. When a person becomes that […]
Title: AI in the future / A.I in the future / Artificial Intelligence in the future ; VR in the future / V.R in the future / Virtual Reality in the future ; Transhumanism in the future ; technology in the future ; Life is boring ; Life sucks ; escape from reality
The more detailed post:
AI is the future
A.I is the future
Artificial Intelligence is the future
because Life is boring / reality is boring / real life is boring / real world is boring
VR is the future
V.R is the future
Virtual Reality is the future
because Life is boring […]
Everything’s Okay
I am like a last-born flamingo in a drying out world, with salted legs as rough and heavy as rocks, left behind; alone and lonely. On Earth where people who deserve to live are giving their lives up, suffering; why does someone like me, who doesn’t have any kind of talent and ruins everything she touches is still living. I don’t deserve to live. Why was I even born? There is no reason for me to be here, I have no use in anything: only damage and harm. Well okay, we can’t change the fact that I was born but the real question […]
Depression creeps upon you quietly.
At the very beginning you struggle with the little things, but usually, choose to ignore them.
It’s like a headache.
You’ll tell yourself it’s temporary and it’ll pass.
It’s just another bad day.
But it’s not.
You are stuck in this state of mind.
You get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people because that’s what you have to do.
That’s what others do.
However, the problem does not go away.
You struggle to put on a play every day and it starts to cost you more and more.
That is why […]
back to skipping meals but not on purpose
back to five hours of sleep and dreaming of the worst case scenario
just watching them ignore me and
watching my body shake and sweat even more
will i ever meet anyone who won’t get sick of me
It’s only natural that the more a human has to handle large masses of anything, they cease to see the individual and rather the collective. It’s how vision works, zoom out and you don’t see the atoms anymore just the mass. This makes them forget that people are people. They either are psychopaths to take on such a terrible task or they become psychopaths along the way. The sheer lack of sympathy that is displayed by authouritarians is sadistic and psychopathic to say the least. That’s why the world will never get better, and people will always die.
Something is wrong
Its been more than 2 weeks since im sick…
When i dont eat maid’s cooking im okay..
But when i eat it im sick again
Its already 2 times i skip her cooking and im really really fine
Something is wrong..
But my mom doesnt believe me
What shiuld i do?
Its so weird..
I think im going to die soon..
Not because i take my life.. but she take my life
Believe me mom..
Please believe me…
What is there to continue for? Why purpose do I serve by being here?
by Enman Tengu
written by Enman Tengu
For what purpose am I here? that is the question that is always on my mind.
And it always seems that I come back to this point, the only purpose in my life seem to be to serve others. I am responsible for the health and wellbeing of others, my own health and wellbeing is irrelevant to anyone else as long as I am able to serve them, they are okay with the way things are. I continue to think that this is somehow friendship, and that my service to them is an incidental thing in the “friendship”. But then their […]
I really don’t want to exist mostly. I am not in a great pain nor sick nor abused.. what is the reason of this undying sadness that can never let me go. it’s not just about wanting to get away, it’s more like wanting to fade away because living is too much. How much i wish i can donate life to those who really wanna live those who change things and so on. i wish i was never born
what should i do? knowing that my life will forever be this meaningless?
I wanna see it happening. To see that I’m not just a sad story. That it’s real. I want to feel alive. I want to feel that there’s something for me out there. Something that will make me keep on going, keep on moving forward. Like Charlie did. I want to have someone to love and to be loved back. I want to have someone that will like the real me. That can see me, see through my eyes without even asking what’s wrong with me. I want to feel that I can live. To live with much love and hope like Charlie did. Like […]
Im really sick yet i dont have courage to die
I hate myself so much
Even parents hate me so much
They want to kill me
Because i dont have nothing to give them
Unlike my sisters
Im just a pile of garbage
Nothing precious
They always scream at me
Thwy always discriminate me
They always underestimate me
I have nothing but failure and pain
Its been 2 weeks since im lying in my bed
Hello?
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody hear me?
I’m screaming for help
Please help me
I can’t see anything
I don’t know where I am
I’m just surrounded by darkness
Help me find myself because as time goes by I feel more lost
People can’t seem to understand when I tell them that 95% of my time on this earth has been suffering or painful.
Yes there are good times and good friends but they are so few and far between it’s just painful to continue. I’m pretty sure I have major depression, but without any money or healthcare coverage I can’t get it diagnosed, and honestly I really don’t care enough to try anymore.
Also lost my job in 2014, lost my health care coverage, and was rejected for unemployment or assistance of any kind. I had to sell the house, most of my belongings, and burn all of […]
the one thing i literally cannot stand is when i try to reach out or vent or share my story people make it about themselves literally nothing can ever be about me i have to beg my parents to buy me things like food and soap and shoes and i have to beg them to take me to the doctor or get me school supplies if i ever reach out to people they start talking about their own shit and it’s really fucking invalidating and doesn’t help me at all nobody has lived my life nobody has been through the exact same situations i don’t […]
im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you im trying to get better but i can’t when every god damn thing is about you
Back in High School, there was this girl that i like, like A LOT or should i say I LOVE HER. She’s pretty good looking, athletic and the coolest girl that i know but she was out of my league, that’s the problem. I’m this skinny not good looking guy. Like I’m the complete definition of a NERD. But i didn’t care. I had to gather all this guts to prove to her that I can be the GUY for her. I want her to like me. I heard she had a boyfriend and then they broke up. I know it was a good opportunity […]