I hate myself. I hate my face, my body, my hair, all of me. I hate how I can’t be like other people. I feel so insecure with what others have. I hate how weak my body is. I got admitted to the hospital thrice last year and twice this year. I had gastritis and PCOS. I also had undergone check ups for my scoliosis. I’ve had many examinations and I’m still continuing my medicine. I feel sorry for my family especially my Mom. We had been struggling financially due to schooling and my medication. These past few days, I’ve been suffering from pain in […]
I can’t tell if I was abused or not. It’s hurting me so much I can’t feel anything anymore. I’m ruining my relationship with my boyfriend and I’m pushing people away. I don’t even like being around them, it’s so shallow and fake.
If I could just know if i was abused I could get some help. I’m overreacting and probably deserved whatever happened to me because I’m not a good person. I’m a disgusting fat ugly freak who really just needs to hang off a noose
Love yall
Feel better
I’m so tired. Tired of feeling like a burden. Tired of thinking “I bet my parents wish they never had me. I’m the embarrassment of my whole family.” Exhausted from acting like I’m staying strong so my fiancé won’t worry as much. We all die in the end, so what is the point anyway? “to have fun, to love and be loved, to experience the world in and of itself and behold it’s beauty and nature” blah blah blah, it’s bullshit. We live to work in order to keep living which is mostly spent working and sleeping. From the beginning, my life has been shit. […]
uhhhh don’t come on here anymore but i don’t really know what to do. my girlfriend can genuinely do better, but she’s got the low self esteem™ so she doesn’t think she can. or maybe she does! not sure what makes me feel worse; her pretending to like me to protect my feelings or the thought that she honestly thinks i’m the best she can do. i hope she cheats on me. i wouldn’t blame her, anyone in her position would. im short and chubby and gross and boring and a complete fucking freak. im not exaggerating, she’s completely amazing and she’s settling for a […]
I don’t know where to start but I’ll just state points. I’m not being negative, I’m just being honest. I almost had 3 attempts that were so thoroughly planned these 2 yrs. I know that the 4th will be attempted with no reverse;)
1) I am too naive for this world. Meaning; my crybaby ass self-has never faded. Somehow it got worse. I am the weakest person to the point of not being able to function properly for at least a min.
2) It’s obvious that I have a mental disorder. I know that it can be managed if I had my mom by my side or […]
If hating me makes you hate yourself a little less, I’ll do that for you…
I’ve long since outlived my welcome and my usefulness.
Precious little goodness have I contributed to this world; nothing to my own credit do I leave behind. Nobody here depends on me, all will be relieved when I’m gone.
I’ve nothing left in this cold, desolate place to hold me here.
I’ve lost it all. There’s nothing left now for me to lose, anymore.
There’s just nothing left. C ‘est la vie.
I’m so tired of my freaking job… Sigh…
It’s just so demanding…
I work at Goodwill and here everything is already used and donated so everything is priced by stickers that can easily come off. o.o Then it has to be updated weekly as much as possible while old stuff comes off…
It’s hard to explain, but this can be really hard and exhausting…
For me at least, it’s a one man job too and I often even run out of stuff! Then like, I had to take a week off to spend time with my family and it was nice to get away from everything… but then of […]
By far my greatest fault is my inability to control my own habits and to set up a daily routine. All I want to do is smoke weed and play video games. I don’t want to leave my room, I don’t want to do anything productive. It took me a month to put the uniform from my ex-job into the washing machine. A procedure that took about 5 minutes. This might cost me a bunch of money, yet I was so powerless over my own day-to-day stuff that I didn’t do it.
Sometimes I sit down and tell myself to stop the self-pity and try to […]
Hi! I’m new here. I’ve been very curious on the Smooth Passages that was in a book called My Heart and Other Black Holes and it led me to this website.
I think my depression all started 2 years ago. You may be thinking, I was so strong that I’m still alive up to this time. Well I tried. I’ve kept myself busy but the pain only deepens. I never told anyone about this. I may have given them signs yet nobody cares. The first year was very hard for me. I keep having insomnias at night and then this black shadow overcomes me and […]
Outside of myself. The woman everyone see’s just like everyone else, is carefully crafted. I am strong enough sometimes to smile and make jokes to my colleagues and sort out the chaos on my 3 Monitors to successfully complete a days work. I have pain beyond my threshold leeching on my spine and chest. I contain them until the weekend when I can perform my mental surgeries.
When the wounds mastisize and become larger than my ability to contain them I am frozen. I am powerless. I look at my 3 Monitors and watch the inbox rise watch the Skype pings sting watch that there is […]
This place makes me feel better. I finally have found some sort of acceptance in the fact that I am going to die. It’s nice to be able to just accept. I still feel this urge to fight and scream and holler at the sky with my pleas of hope and change, but I suppose that is only natural. There really is little to no point in this post. I was simply feeling incredibly alone and needed somewhere to type my thoughts out. This probably will get my post banned or something, but if anyone is willing to take in a 21 year old dude […]
Groundhog Day Loop Syndrome
(Image Source: Haruhi Suzumiya (Anime/Manga))
Itsuki: “We’ve entered an endless recursion of time. (x4)”
Intro
(Some rambling, sorry. :()
Sigh… I feel like saying so many things on here. 🙁
Like, most of it is on my profile I guess, but it would be nice to talk about personality stuff to see where everyone is at so I can get to know them, or if they never looked into it, they could to discover themselves. 🙂 Like, Myers-Briggs, the Enneagram, arguably sillier ones like their D&D alignment, […]
This was actually my reply to a comment and I think instead of replying to the person I somehow effectively ranted about my situation and I am too tired to type or think again so I will just paste it here.
I was diagnosed with ADHD and schizophrenia a year back. I was a great student but the indian education system has zero respect for anyone who actually cares about learning so i had to repeat a year and for the past six months i have been getting bullied in college for volunteering to repeat even though I did get the pass marks. My dad […]
Even though we cant talk to each other directly here. I feel safe here. I feel in the silence, a comradery.
I love reading the stuggles the goodbyes because i can relate so much to these entries and i just have nothing but love for you.
Even if you are a judge of me, i can relate and I’m grateful. Whatever comes… I’m just grateful for this silent hive where our honey is our words about our bloody battles of life, death, trauma, pain more than anyone else in the real world could ever handle. We can speak it here in complete truth and honesty without fear.
I’m […]
Introduction
Here’s a poem I made on Facebook on June 1st, when I really needed to vent. :p
(It’s a bit dark and sadomasochistic, instead of just plain masochistic, I hope that’s okay…)
Not that anyone cares, most people just ghost me…
People usually ignore me or hate me, I’m not sure if anyone is at fault when people leave me or don’t want to talk to me and I’m not sure if I should even care…
I just want to be myself… people are too different from me…
I might […]
I told my only family member it was time for me to stop. The only person in the world who knew me. He said at least try acid once.
I dosed and became one with the Universe and all that shit. I felt something fall off my shoulders afterwards. I got an understanding of why I survived the first eleven years of my life along with him surviving the first twenty.
-We weren’t meant to survive right?
I got a hippy ass perspective on why there’s scars on my genitals that I can’t explain to a doctor.
It lasted about a month until I was drugged and raped […]
I’m starting to permanently make up my mind when it comes to suicide. I’ve had suicide attempts before and I’ve bounced back from depression at times, but this time it’s different. This time I can feel something pulling me towards death. It’s as if the world wants to take me back or as if death has fallen for me and it wants to take me home. I’m scared of shooting myself, I’m scared of waking up in a place full of pain and suffering despite the fact that I want to die in order to escape the daily pain I feel.
I have no idea what […]
2nd year anniversaries are so surreal.
I dont know if it would honor you or offend you if I chose to enter light body that day. I already failed once in a way I shouldnt have failed because of your bad timing. Then you died.
This is a sign I should go with you, I feel sometimes. You said you couldn’t do this life without me, what the fuck do you expect me to do here without you.
Drugs sure help. Maybe they’ll have pity/mercy on me the way they did for you and take care of the dilemma I face daily
Happy. That’s a word I wish would visit me more often. As I sit here and write my “feelings” or whatever, I think about the “happy” moments of my life. You know, when life looked colorful and pretty.
What changed?
That’s something I would love to know.
I was never miserable. I was always smiling and I did what I was supposed to.
Maybe that’s where I went wrong, maybe I should’ve rebelled a little.
Maybe I should’ve experienced more things.
Maybe, then, I wouldn’t feel so wretched and miserable.
I keep thinking that I will run out of tears, but they just keep coming.
There’s this emptiness inside of me that I can’t shake, I’ve been suicidal since I was 17. People kept telling me that it would get better, but things got progressively worse as I aged. I’m going to be 21 soon and I have no job, enough money to buy a gun and a family that will be heartbroken if I die. I’ve wanted to die for so long now, but the sadness my family would feel makes my heart weigh heavily.
I feel a constant stream of hate, shame and dispair whenever I remember my past. I’ve lived a long life of awkward situations and disappointment. […]