Category:

Suicidal Survivors

For those who have survived suicide.

Back In 2013

by madetofade2 6/11/2021

written by madetofade2

I used to come to this site a lot as a 13 year old. My username was MadeToFade.
Im Jamie. I’ll be 24 in late July of 2021. Before suicideproject was a .org, I came to type out my feelings. I expressed my frustrations and sadness, but I also conversated with a male 22 years older than myself on that website, underneath the old username Ive given above.
Due to observation by members of the site, it was pointed out that “Nolen” was in fact an adult, and “MadeToFade” was in fact a minor.
I am thankful that someone noticed and felt alarmed enough to […]

6/11/2021 3 comments

Do it

by LivinGhost 6/2/2021

written by LivinGhost

I can’t believe how old I am now. 37. My suicidal thoughts started when I was 8. My life was hard and abusive. It’s not like that now but I had already died inside a long ago and I just keep inhabiting this shell.
I was smart enough not to bring a child. I’d probably would have been an absent mother with occasional outbursts of disproportionate rage and pass this poison on to my future generation.
I wouldn’t advise everyone who has a bad day or a few rough weeks even, to do it but
If your life is objectively horrible
If the meds don’t […]

6/2/2021 8 comments

The way I live

by SamLight 5/23/2021

written by SamLight

It is very difficult to express the way I feel on a daily basis. Today, I was supposed to study for my finals but i didn’t. Thoughts kept running through my mind, and I imagined a whole conversation with a psychiatrist and kept talking to him for 3 hours. It felt like I was in a bubble, it felt so real. I’ve always been like this, since I do not have close friends, there’s no one to share my thoughts with, so I imagine people in my mind. Oh lord loneliness has become my home. I feel very awkward when engaging in a real conversation […]

5/23/2021 2 comments

I feel like I’m gonna die soon

by SamLight 5/15/2021

written by SamLight

I don’t know how to fully explain this feeling.I’m certain that I’m going to die soon. Actually I’ve been taking antidepressants on and off (SSRI) and I would take 5 mg for days then switch to ten, then not take it for some days really depending on my moods. Honestly, I got very paranoid I felt like taking them would change me completely and make me an idiot for the rest of my life. I also had some very troubling thoughts about burning myself it was almost as if I was obsessing over the idea of doing it . I wanted to burn myself to […]

5/15/2021 3 comments

Glow stick

by the_girl_with_the_yellow_necklace 5/12/2021

written by the_girl_with_the_yellow_necklace

My family always called me a glow stick because I shine to them with my fake smile, I don’t need your pity when my life sucks ass? and I’m in love with a Taurus male. It’s important I’ve known him for so long and we both love each other in a romantic relationship way. So we are kinda just really close friends. My friends probably know who this is already I know too. But what do they really know about me? I don’t even know myself or who I am.. all I know is for a fact I love him, he loves me. It’s started […]

5/12/2021 1 comment

Someone help me please

by SamLight 4/29/2021

written by SamLight

I’ve fought so hard for this. My whole life, I’ve never been able to feel positive emotions . I can remember some memories from when I truly felt joy, when I used to hang out with some friends but nothing more than that. I’ve spent hours days trying to dig up some happy memories but nothing. I’m nothing more than an abused child, nothing more than my past. I wanna be able to feel something, anything. All I can think about nonstop is how to hurt myself. I’ve thought about burning myself to death, cutting a finger, breaking a leg. Some very violent ideas are […]

4/29/2021 6 comments

How are you doing

by SamLight 4/21/2021

written by SamLight

Hey my friends ! I really wanna know how everybody’s doing. What’s something that made you laugh this past week? Did you run into an old acquaintance? How is life right now ?

4/21/2021 2 comments

My dad

by SamLight 4/20/2021

written by SamLight

I think i might suffer from ptsd And my relationship with my father is pretty bad. We’ve never been really close especially after some events that happened in my childhood. Long story short, verbal and physical abuse. He even used to beat my cat. At best, he would totally ignore my existence, greeting everyone on the table except me, at worst call me a dog in front of guests, whispering that i was digusting. I was pretty badly beaten by my sibling n he n my mum would make me apologize everytime that happened. It was pretty rough man. Sometimes i wonder how i made […]

4/20/2021 2 comments

Antidepressants

by SamLight 4/13/2021

written by SamLight

I’m really losing my mind and i don’t know what to do. i just can’t get used to this feeling, the sadness, the hopelessness. I feel nothing. The only two emotions that exist in my mind are anger and sadness. I don’t wanna die but Im extremely tired. My psychiatrist prescribed antidepressants , but i don’t know i’ve read so many bad things abt them. I’m afraid that they would change me or make me « dumber ». If someone has already tried em, please help me out.

4/13/2021 18 comments

What’s Next?

by Girl1800 4/12/2021

written by Girl1800

demystifying death

Snow White was portrayed as peaceful; though death is not peaceful at all. If this were real she would be a corpse.

Society has idealized death so much that it has become common for most of us to see it as a way out imagining an end to our own pain and suffering by form of stoping. What a burden to feel like we must take it upon ourselves to end our lives- it is dreadfully sad. Part of the problem is that society […]

4/12/2021 4 comments

The Mystery Behind the Culprit

by Mauve 3/27/2021

written by Mauve

To The Person That I Mirrored Myself
Despite the fact that I am fully aware of what is going on in your life, your inspirational and motivational messages captivated me. I admire your ways of dealing with life because I don’t. Four years ago, I was in your shoes. I am a goal-oriented person who is concerned with the future and success. I was a “church girl” who read scriptures always and prayed three times a day, […]

3/27/2021 5 comments

recalling torture

by system 3/19/2021

written by system

the way my blood ran cold every time you threatened me

the way that the blade felt as i dug it into my flesh to form the letters of your name

the way the candle wax burned as it hit my skin

the way that the acidic feeling in my throat would linger when you made me film myself purging

the way i would try to speak clearly between sobs in those videos you forced me to make, the ones where i apologized to you

the way you talked me out of taking my life in front of you, not out of love, but out of your desire to keep […]

3/19/2021 4 comments

Why am I alive?

by Die555 3/13/2021

written by Die555

Hello, so let’s just start this off with a “I should be dead right now” I have no idea why I’m still alive. My girlfriends in the past have cheated on me and my girlfriend now likes someone else and hates me. My family told me to kill myself many times in the past and doesn’t care about me. I’m alone and by myself. I’ve tried many MANY times in the past and failed. Every. Single. Time. The closest I’ve ever come to death is a car accident in 2017 and I was in a 8 month coma. God only KNOWS how I came out […]

3/13/2021 2 comments

Update on last post

by Vukovar woman 3/13/2021

written by Vukovar woman

Hi.
I didn’t check on my post a few days after I uploaded it, so I didn’t reply to anyone.
I wanted to do so, so it wouldn’t look like I’m dead.
In the meanwhile I did try to commit, “first time” (I was anorexic in the past, I don’t know if it counts). I came out whole.
My dad beat me up a week ago.

I’m fine, my right leg twitched uncontrollably for a minute but now it’s gone. I’m not sure how I should feel about it though.

It started when they spilled ink on my table when I told them to leave me alone, […]

3/13/2021 2 comments

things he said

by system 3/9/2021

written by system

his name is censored and the lines have been recolored for safety reasons. i’m a minor. please don’t sexualize any of this. please. this is vent art that I made during the time I was being abused. everything written was taken straight from voice memos, emails, and messages.

edit: how many times do i have to reiterate that this wasn’t a relationship. leave me alone. please.

3/9/2021 21 comments

everything and nothing

by system 2/25/2021

written by system

he gave me everything and nothing all at the same time. i was absolutely convinced that i was in love with him, that he was the only one who could ever truly be with me. because he told me so. he told me that he was the only person who could ever possibly understand someone like me, the only person who could truly make me happy. it was a falsity, to say the least. a sham. i bled for him. i destroyed myself for him. i gave him every ounce of life that i had left in me until i was running on empty. […]

2/25/2021 3 comments

nameless, faceless

by system 2/23/2021

written by system

they seldom had a name or a face. they knew everything about me but i knew nothing about them. their anonymity versus my specificity. no name, no face. just words, just abuse. they offered me nothing but threats and love that was a falsity. once caught in the first one’s trap, i was left wounded like a fox in the jaws of a bear trap. with bone showing and flesh cut away, it made me easier to catch. it weakened me. then came the next hunter, the next predator. and the next. and the next. unachievable is my justice as they remain nameless, faceless.

2/23/2021 2 comments

repulsion

by system 2/14/2021

written by system

the disgust. the self shaming and hatred. it kills me. because of the nature of the abuse i’ve endured, i’m left with a body devoid of purity, a husk adorned with scars and tainted with contempt. i am repulsed. i am repulsed with myself, i am repulsed by sexuality because it has not been presented to me as a loving gift, but a weapon. a weapon to degrade me and disintegrate any sense of dignity i had left. a weapon to steal away the power from me, to leave me as nothing but a puppet. a slave. reduced to an object. discarded once they’ve tortured […]

2/14/2021 3 comments

emotional debilitation

by system 2/8/2021

written by system

I’m so tired.

Partially because the ~6 or so hours of sleep I get are of abysmal quality, but I mostly attribute my exhaustion to me being sick. I’m so fucking sick. I’m so exhausted all the time, the nightmares and night terrors plague me and I spend a significant amount of my day thinking about the awful dreams or worrying that it’s some kind of “sign” or “warning,” as if I have precognition or some shit (I know it’s stupid, I don’t know why my anxiety seems to make me delusional to an extent). The effects of my PTSD are fucking debilitating. The dissociation kills […]

2/8/2021 12 comments

Pain Exceeding One’s Ability to Cope, aka my daily life

by ca-rifka 2/8/2021

written by ca-rifka

The definition of overwhelming pain is when pain exceeds one’s ability to cope, aka my daily life.

I’m talking just the physical pain, too…there is almost always an accompanying existential crises about self-worth and chronic illness.

As someone living with multiple chronic illnesses, including endometriosis and chronic nerve entrapment, the story of my daily life resembles both that of a heroine in a gothic horror novel and that of a golem girl made of glass. And to me this makes sense, the mood of my body oscillating regularly between two worlds – stuck in the middle just like everything else in my life.

And so goes the story […]

2/8/2021 0 comment

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