For those who have survived suicide.
Hello everyone, my name is Daniel, and I think I’m going to commit suicide very shortly, I want to anyways, not sure if I will though, since things in life change so much, but I hope that moment arrives in a week or two. I don’t know where to start, I’m done trying to figure out why I’m like this, why I have suicidal thoughts, why I cut myself, why I feel so much pain all the time. It sucks, it really sucks to be this way, I don’t believe in destiny, but I cannot avoid feeling like I am trapped, and have absolutely no way out. And I could say that I am 100% sure, or 99,9999% sure that I will commit suicide, sooner or later. Things change so fast and so easily, I guess I had my problems when I was a child and an early teen, I used to cry a lot and feel a lot of pain, mainly because of my parents, I’ve always had problems with them, and my sisters too, my family is pretty broken in general. But anyways, I could say I was somehow happy, maybe not happy, but I was calm most of the time, like a normal person, I could say I was normal. I don’t know when I stopped being normal, I couldn’t tell you the exact moment or the exact event that caused my depression or whatever I have, let’s just call it “suicidal tendency”, but all I know is that only a few weeks ago I suffered because I wasn’t happy, and all I wanted in this world was to be happy, but right now I can tell you guys that I don’t want that anymore, I don’t believe in that anymore, I don’t believe that I can be happy, I have no hope in anything, absolutely anything, I just won’t be happy ever, all I want right now is to die, seriously, I just want to stop this everlasting pain. I am a little bit of a coward, that is the only reason why I haven’t done it, commit suicide, I need to find a painless and sure method. My biggest fears when it comes to suicide is obviously the pain, but also the error margin. Anyways, I’m not really sure why I’m here, I mean on this site, I guess I’m looking for an answer, just someone who has to say anything about all this that I wrote, I seriously doubt that anyone will read this entirely, or that anyone will reply, and this will only cause me much more pain, and fuel even more my suicidal tendency, so I guess that’s good, I just wish that it is enough so that I will actually do it. That is one of the main reasons I want to do it actually, I have always felt alone in this world, and I envy all the people that have friends and significant others and all that. I have friends, but I still feel alone, and I feel more alone now than ever because a lost my two best friends, a guy and a girl. I guess these two had a lot to do with why I’m here haha, and I mean in this situation, not on this site haha. Anyways, I lost them and I feel I didn’t do anything very wrong. There is a whole story between us three haha, a long story, but I don’t want to talk about it, I just don’t. But anyways, they are perfect right now, I mean, they are happy, together. They used to be a couple, and broke up because of simple and common relationship issues, but the point is that they left me behind, I have absolutely no value for them right now, and I wonder if I ever really did. But anyways, that kills me, it kills me inside, that they left me behind, feeling like absolute ####, after all I did and whatever, they are happy without me, and they hate me, and they say that all I ever did was cause sadness in their lives, and that they are better off without me. Life just isn’t fair. I wish life was fair, or at least not so unfair. I hate my life, and just want it to be over.