For those who have survived suicide.
You used your words, I used my heart. I became unheard, you became a dart. I reached out, you pushed away. I started to doubt but I was forced to stay.
Growing a flower, supposed to be a blessing. but you had the power. And I was left stressing..
Far from family , no one but you,
Loss of gravity, my hatred grew.
You where supposed to be my happy ending, but this chapter was just beginning.
My flower blossomed, she is so beautiful, I became cautioned, you grew so pitiful. Yelling and abusing, but with no bruising. I tried to flee, your family didn’t agree.. threatened like a thief in the night, not knowing my next move, I lost the fight. Forced to stay, forced to love, forced to be a family I always dreamed of.
Never ending cycle , always either up or down. I became suicidal, all I wanted was to be back in my hometown.. No where to turn, I had to learn. Drama, drama always would occur, but I needed to stay strong for her.
Anxiety, PTSD, and now Bipolar, it’s not my fault; I have no control over. Fighting in life , and fighting my mind. Fighting for a relationship I should have left behind. My flower; she’s my main priority, so I had to take control, I had to become an authority. No more abuse, no more being controlled. I had to get a stronghold. Somehow found my way back, but drama follows no matter where I’m at. He lurks in the night, always picking a fight, always thinks he’s right. I try to stand up but I am weak, more fragile than a antique.
Keep reminding myself not to droop, because I have a little flower that needs to bloom. I need to water her, even if its with my own tears, I’m now numb to his words after almost 4 years. She’s what’s keeping me alive, without her I wouldn’t survive. I may have watered her into a flower, but she’s the one who keeping me stronger. She’s my daughter, I’m her mother, no matter what I’ll always love her. I have to make the right choice, I have to be her voice. I never had my father in my life, that’s why I allow him to keep stabbing me with a knife. I’ll feel guilty if I leave this man, that was never the plan. I wanted us, I wanted a family, I can’t be a single mother, but that will be the reality. I need to do what’s best, why is life always a test? She needs her dad, but I need love , am I selfish if I leave him because of something I’m being deprived of? I’m really praying for the best, please lord end this test. Either I stay and be depressed or breakup our family to be unstressed. She needs us to be stable, at this moment it seems incapable. I Hope the goods outweigh the bad, I want to be a good role model with a golden path. It hurts knowing I’m with a man who is obsessed with giving and taking. It is very heartbreaking.. But I also want to keep my family together, to keep my daughter happy forever.
I also don’t want this pain to last so long..
Keep reminding myself, pushing forward, moving on, staying strong.