all I do is make everything worse and I deserve to die. I am a vile and horrible creature who’s toxicity ruins everything. my overthinking/overbearing stupid personality is pathetic and needs to be snuffed out. how dare I be alive when I hurt the one I love with my stupidity? they already go through enough. I’m only making it worse, whether they say I do or not. I’m a pathetic coward who isnt willing enough to die so I can stop ruining everything. I am a failure. I am pathetic. I am worthless. I cant keep living like this. I need to die, I know […]

I’m from Indonesia. I’m a failed musician (I’m 40 years old now). It’s ironic & tragic (& ridiculous, really) that everybody said that I’m musically very talented, and even could make it big. But in the end, I’m just a nobody & a failure/loser. Now I’m heavily depressed, & even have suicidal ideation/thoughts everyday.

You know, It’s entirely possible for an asteroid to hit earth and wipe us all out right this second. I know you must think that places like NASA have us sorted and safe from all that, but lets be honest with ourselves and admit that they really don’t know too much about space, and for all we know, there could be a planet exploding somewhere in the distance right now, and it could spew out some rapidly-moving asteroids that just happen to be heading straight for us. Now we all know the speed of light, but what about the speed of time? Pretty easy right, […]

I’m exhausted, physically as well as mentally. I’m trying my best though. I’m glad this week is over, even though it’s only been 3 days (for school). I know theres a lot I could be stressing about that needs to be done in that regard, but I’m ignoring it for now as much as I can. Ignore, distract, overthink, panic, numb, the cycle continues. Oh well. I’ve barely been able to eat because I’ve been so overwhelmed and it makes me sick. I don’t need as much food as I eat anyways, I need better self control. I’d probably look a lot prettier that way.

But […]

I wrote a rather long post about this last night. It had comedy, poetry, song and pop culture references. Then just as I pushed the publish button the whole bloody site went down, and I lost the entirety of my post. Has this ever happened to anyone else? They turn to Suicide Project in a time of need and feel worse after?

I’m bitter towards everybody and everything right now, this isn’t a directed attack against anyone.

I got into grad school. That sounds wonderful….. but….. classes are to start Monday, and the University doesn’t have funds set aside for new students. Long calculation skipped, it is […]

I can be miserable all day, but it’s only at night that I’m really forced to stew in my unhappiness. I don’t have any energy left to avoid or deflect or distract myself. I need to sleep. I can’t sleep. So I’m stuck with this lingering ache, this longing to not be alone anymore. It’s at the core of all my unhappiness, but I can’t connect. I can’t trust other people. I don’t like other people. Being around others forces me to confront how much I hate myself.

It’s insane how much a simple thing can come to dominate your experience of life. Things are fundamentally […]

I’m so tired of it. I just need it to end. I pray to god – any god – to let it end. It doesn’t. It never does. I’m going to sink in these overwhelming and awful feelings and I’ll never get out. I’ve tried so hard. Just let it stop. All around me is suffering. I’m suffering. I’m tired. Everyone’s tired. Why must it be like this? Maybe I’ll get lucky and none of this was real to begin with. I’ll wake up somewhere safe, peaceful. A place where things are okay, and where I’m okay, and the one I love is okay. But […]

I’m back in my apartment. School starts Tuesday. The anxiety peaked yesterday. I was crying and couldn’t get a hold of my emotions. Pacing, talking out loud to myself. I even called my mom and talked about it. The anxiety just completely took hold of everything. I was so scared and panicked. The feeling like everything was going to be pulled out from under me was so overwhelming. I have an appointment with both my therapist and my psychiatrist on Monday. My mom’s pushing me to get meds for anxiety, but I think there’s nothing […]

I went in to pay two traffic tolls. This Blonde was there, not bad looking at all, about 26,I dealt with her before. ” Blondie, how are you? Good Christmas?” I said. ” I’m lonely, I was in bed, I don’t really know anyone” she said. Her honesty was very attractive and naturally the word ‘bed’ had caught my attention. Honesty is a very attractive quality, especially in relations between men and women,  both parties tend to have acute in built bullshit detectors, you try and bullshit the other party and you fail, if you’re completely honest in an uncensored manner you succeed. The best […]

When I get angry, I keep it to myself mostly.

I’ve snapped on my parents sometimes when I felt they aren’t listening to me, but not many others.

I keep my issues to myself mostly. As it stands, I lack money to go to the doctor to get help. I can’t pay for a therapist or anything, and I’m in the loop where too sick to work > not enough money to treat said sickness > too sick to work.

It’s fun when you want to help yourself, when you want to be responsible and keep your sick ass at home, but […]

Was just thinking.

Someone told me I would fall in love with anyone that fell in love with me so I started thinking about it.

I blame most of my mental problems on my mother. Idk if that’s alright. I am obsessed with the way I look and I think about it everyday, everyday the reason why I do things isn’t because I want to better myself or anything, and usually the main reason I do things is because I want to receive compliments from people in the future because I just love it when people tell me nice things…

It’s so easy to vent to people online […]

Do you know what it is like to fail yourself?

To plan, to perfect an exit, to weep and mourn your own loss, what little of the day left you would miss after completing, and the. to fail?

Do you know what it is like to feel that shatter-flutter of adrenaline and every chemical at once- Over and over and over again as you fail? AGAIN, and again-

And then, you fix things, you try to make it work- (why won’t it work? this doesn’t make any sense!)

and you yet again fail your one life’s desire?

and you try so many different things, so many different times, you SHOULD […]

Nov. 3- Lose a close friend, they become what I cannot. flaunt it blindly in my face, I rejoice for them, but they kill me inside and they cannot know.

Masculine culture is so toxic.
And I know there is just a lot of toxic culture these days, but seriously, it goes all the way to promoting unhealthy sex standards.
Afraid of becoming anything for fear of being hunted down like an animal- what kind of validation is this?
Men are crushed for the sake of becoming nothing? What idea has gone so far to create such a hellish jungle?
Never get out of […]

Jan 3rd. Wake up feeling worse than hungover, heavy, painful, unable to think as always. I wish anything made it better. Fail, eat, fail to feed myself effectively, hate. hate hate is too light a word.

I hate myself
I am so worthless. I am so sloth i am nothing without any company. I fail. I try. I fail. I complete nothing.
My life is one big bad dream. It’s full of wonder, but so too is it dripping with crushing despair.
Every opportunity I have to love myself is stolen like some cruel joke and I fuck everything up every time.
Only luck. Celebrate luck. […]

I searched Google for “violently uprooted tree” and found nothing.

I realize I’m damaged on a spiritual level. The type of damage that only rape and warfare causes. And I think I’m stuck here because my soul is tainted because of my and other’s actions and can never heal except in death.

I hit the ground running this morning, and first thing, the first thing I dealt with?

My computer either lost or corrupted a hard drive. That might sound weird to non desktop people, I have seven hard drives… and I know, seven, that seems like a bit much, right? It’s my entire digital life for the past decade. Lucky enough, what I lost was just the last 5 months, the rest was redundant data for other drives.

Still, it upset me, particularly because it is made worse by my motherboard developing an issue where the hard drive sata ports are dead, meaning that I couldn’t connect it […]

I just realized I’m probably a very annoying person, even when I’m in a good mood. I just can’t seem to shut up…

My stepdad and I were just fucking around as always, but then he said something about how I am and always “give him a headache when he talks”. I know he was joking, I hope he was anyway, but it was just kind of hurtful. And in a roundabout way I said that it was, I basically just said that if he was someone else it would hurt my feelings a lot. He’s not a bad guy at all, we mess around all the time, […]