I was diagnosed about last Wednesday. I don’t even really know what to say to be honest. Except that I missed just being depressed. I got a scholarship to my first choice graduate school. Full ride. I was cautious about it. I was sure I would mess it up and end up having to pay the tuition. Then I went to Boston. It was great. Getting to see all the robotics company and a new city. Getting to meet people that had my same interest and that I could find that I could talk to. […]
I am afraid of harm.
I have grown wise about harm.
But I just found that when I perform it, the crippling pain leaves in a way and for a time while my wound remains.
I am scared of myself now.
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So my **** mother wants to spread everyone’s fucking business around, read through everyone’s personal shit, stick her fucking nose up everyone’s ass so she feels like her life is so fucking interesting. Lord knows she always fucking told me how much she treats others the way she wants to be treated, I’m more than happy to oblige and do the same for her.
The woman who gave birth to me molested me for years under the guise of “checking me for ringworm”. I don’t know everything, but I’m pretty fucking sure, you can’t feel ringworm inside the v*g. I’m pretty sure the ***** didn’t need […]
Behind those beautiful eyes
lies secrets
more deeper and darker
than the mysterious sea.
Behind that alluring smile
lies pain that you cant see.
But sometimes honesty is out of control
And so in the midst of dark,
there illuminates a magnificent soul .
She’s the type of women you will regret not fighting for
After all with a women like her by your side
You will feel as if anything is possible
She has such a strong desire to help you manifest your
visions just as much as her own
She has a burning desire to stay by your side – yes even if you have nothing
You will regret not keeping her
Some women are […]
All life exists for a period of time. So all life will die after who knows how much time. Will all life result in death with no exception? What if with the help of technology in the future we will live much longer. What if we could/will live in virtual worlds for very long amounts of time? Or maybe cyborgs will also be an option.
I don’t think it’s necessarily a guilty conscience – guilt is focused on the impact your actions have on others, and I can never know that. It’s probably more like shame. Although shame is usually centred around what others think of you, and apart from a couple of ex-therapists, no one knows.
The reality of it is, I have to look myself in the mirror every day, and know the things I’ve done (and the things a large part of me still wants to do.) And somehow live with myself. And I don’t know how to do that. Because my self-image feels unbearable to face up […]
today was really hard.
im on the midnight train to georgia
Never knowing when to get off. Missing the stop. Melodies on my ear. Don’t talk to me, I can’t hear. Not watching people, who are not watching me. My screen showing high definition, who needs reality.? Wearing a medical mask over my multiple other ones. More stackable than the bacteria that occupies my lungs. A beeping of a new sold ticket to hell. You’re one of us now, we don’t treat each other well. My bag holds my belongings, it deserves the rest it’s given. Nothing is forgiven, until we’ve all arrived. Seeing people better on the inside than looking in, gave me insight and […]
So I’m back home for the first time in 5 years. It’s so odd to think about where I was since I’d been gone. I’m actually having a good time back. I was in probably my absolute worst state of mind when I was here last time, and now, that seems so far away. I’m a different person now, and yet, some things never change…
I just needed to reflect. I’ve been lurking around this site for a long while at this point. I only hope that people here find closure, their resolution so to speak, however that may be. There are many good […]
Haven’t been here for a while. A good few years, I guess. Some things have changed. Got into a surprisingly healthy relationship. Cut ties with my folks and the fundamentalist cult we were a part of. I understand and care about things now.
If I’m being honest, though, lots of things haven’t. I’m still a cutter. Still on painkillers. Still too scared to stop someone from assaulting me. Still can’t get my shitty parents off my mind. Still occupying the same place in society.
And I can’t help but think of all the times I’ve been told “it gets better” and be angry. Suicidal people aren’t stupid, […]
Fading away into the light
Neurons firing
But still breaking
Sometimes quick
Sometimes slow
Sometimes sudden
Sometimes still
One way to birth
Million ways to die
What a beautiful fate
You can have so many demises
By yourself or others
Fate doesn’t discriminate
On what can happen to you
My eyes roll back, my tongue hardens, balling up in my throat.
I choke on my body, every finger feels alone. As if somebody is pouring their voice into my mind, humming a drone which washes over me like I’m being boiled alive, I reeel repeatedly, awash sans sensation save an echoing of separation.
Like a hand to the face, or a soft bucket of cold water, my senses return, the highways of mind occupy themselves once more.
Defenseless, totally vulnerable to otherworldly nothing, unreasonable in any fashion.
/~\\
(Abandoned places)
https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/transition.html
https://www.bmj.com/content/341/bmj.c3222
https://www.uptodate.com/contents/suicidal-ideation-and-behavior-in-adults/print
https://drjonicewebb.com/how-to-deal-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents/
https://www.wikihow.com/Accept-That-Your-Parents-Don%27t-Understand-You
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantone_448_C
(here- […]
why have things been getting worse? they were looking up just a handful of weeks ago, i feel dreadful. i haven’t hyperventilated this much since i was in grade school, and i’m always on the brink of tears each hour of the day.
i don’t mean anything to anyone, how could i let my guard down and be tricked like that? i feel so dumb, so stupid! i don’t have anyone i could talk to, not even crisis people can help me. no one wants to be around me.
no one takes me seriously anymore when i say i’m sad, im sure as hell everyone thinks i’m […]
It seems to me that the overwhelming majority of the suffering that I’ve experienced in my life comes from frustrated desire. From feeling or believing that something is really important and I should do something to attain it, yet simultaneously feeling or believing that it is beyond my reach. Beyond my reach, but not totally impossible. There’s just enough hope there that I can still torture myself with imagining that if I just found the right way, it could somehow be fulfilled. But never enough that it feels tangible, or really worth pursuing.
It’s such a waste of life and emotion. But I’ve never known how […]
One ugly baby
Mom’s heart surgery. Right now. Pray if you want. I gotta make a two hour drive down there because she wanted me to stay behind and wait for her to return.
Look at these outfits she made us wear omgggg I hated it
I really dont know what to do anymore … i never lived a single good day, i have no personality or ambition, always lonely, no love life and never will have. Im hopeless about everything, i dont know what people see about life it seems like a prison sentence, a loan that death gives us with high interest. I have no interest, only work seems to give me some relief even if i hate it … i never did nothing right i just wish i could start over and do everything right this time. I should keep going or just end it?
I was supposed to start a new project last week, so seven days ago I stayed up all night, because the project is going to involve working overnights…. and when I woke up the next afternoon there was no project. I spent the week working on little other stuff, because essential material has yet to be delivered. I even worked Saturday, something I almost never do.
I’m not really complaining, a week where I barely went to work is not that much of a hardship… it’s the symbolism here. I’ve worked really hard, and in most cases the thing I prepared for haven’t happened. I got […]