I moved out of my passive aggressive mom’s house with a boyfriend that I can’t hold a conversation with. I landed a job in HR that I’ve always wanted just to be talked down to. I live in a shit neighborhood with shit people. Nothing gets better. I’m tired of people saying it does. I’ve tried and tried and tried. I’m exhaused. I still want to die. I don’t belong here. All I can stand to do is get high and forget about my real life. I never asked for this shit. This is the type of tired that sleep can’t relieve you from. I […]
It always tends to gravitate towards bad luck as opposed to good. Good luck you might have one chance in a hundred of experiencing, whereas bad luck has got to be 99% likely to occur. Toxic positivity would declare ‘ you make your own luck’ but in the real world it doesn’t work like that. Outrageously bad luck will happen, like the time Mr.O’Grady walked in to the mapping office.
Many years ago I was working in this fucking racket, any form of employment could be described as a racket and this was no exception. A Mr.O’Grady, a name which has stuck with me as the […]
I’ve been battling with an unknown illness since I was 23, on and off, and because I also have health anxiety disorder neither my parents nor my doctors have ever believed me. It took me a long time but I have an idea of what is going on and I think there is little hope I will live the year. I believe I have SIBO which in turn causes chronic infections, especially in my prostate, which hurts so bad I wish I were dead. I’ve been feeling better for the past year but the symptoms have been getting worst the past 6 months, IBS, rash, […]
sometimes I really want to feel some sort of way about things. I can’t afford to, my life is run at an emotional deficit, therefor every feeling has a price tag
The thing I would like to feel some sort of way about is that awful project I was on is over, and as fast as that happened, in two days I start a new project. Will it be better? worse? the same? No way to know but to live it.
Meanwhile, I’m wondering when I’ll crack, if I’ll crack I guess. I started to come apart last night at the thought of more vet bills, which […]
Ever heard of situations where vilains try to get rid of someone because the person they want the most attention from isn’t giving it to them but to the another. It makes them so furious because they only make time with that person and only want to talk to that person that they don’t care if they exist because that person is present.
It’s very sad to say I feel their rage.
Of course I don’t want to hurt anybody but I can’t promise I haven’t thought about it.
She gave birth to me
So why does she give a stranger more attention than […]
Have any of you used/use the website “Sanctioned Suicide”??? I’m not sure if this website has any age limits or anything, especially since we are no longer free to talk about suicide or methods.
If you think the world’s getting worse – you’re right. It objectively is.
if you think you’re special and valuable in some way – you’re right. So is everyone.
If you think society’s out to get you – you’re right. It’s out to get everybody.
If you feel you’re loved/not loved – you’re right. Everyone is and isn’t.
If you think you’ve reached the end – you’re right. We each get to determine where our terminal point in the infinite is.
If you think life’s (not) worth living – you’re right. The value of our life is entirely upon us to determine.
I still have my whole life ahead of me.
But will I make it?
My parents fight and fight.
My dad shouts and yells.
I get scared. I cry. I just can’t anymore.
Sometimes I think to myself that the situation could be a lot worse. Why am I sitting here crying when I have it better than most. I have a good home, good relatives, a good school. We always celebrate holidays, get presents, and go on vacation. So sometimes I hate myself when it seems like I have it all. All except one thing. Happiness. And parents that […]
“Authorities said Melchert-Dinkel was obsessed with suicide and hanging and sought out potential victims online. When he found them, prosecutors said, he posed as a female nurse, feigned compassion and offered step-by-step instructions on how they could kill themselves. Court records show Melchert-Dinkel told police he did it for the “thrill of the chase.”
Prosecutors said he acknowledged entering into fake suicide pacts with about 10 people, five of whom he believed killed themselves.“
One of the people Melchert-Dinkel chatted with was […]
The visit went 5/6ths as predicted. What’s worse is that right at the start I felt that long dead feeling of enjoyment of seeing an old friend after a long time, and soon after was shocked at actually being asked what’s been going on with me, but instead of really listening or asking for details (I don’t give them up lightly) was basically just told “oh maybe you’re on the very shallow end of the autism spectrum”. Wow. Okay. Thanks for that useless and completely off the mark “advice”, if it could even be called that.
The next several hours were, as they have been in […]
Never thought I’d be here but I feel how I feel. Many around me but I still feel alone. Tired of the betrayal, lies, fakes. It’s not the world but the ppl in the world that makes it feel shitty. I treat ppl with kindness, respect and sometimes even love…all for the effort to backfire. My dad is alive but I never felt like a princess cause he hasn’t been in my life as a real dad should have been. He was in jail when I was born and also hit my mom in her stomach while I was in the womb. If I would’ve […]
Looking to golden lights, disoriented by gossamer affection
You never loved me- lie no more. Leave me or love me, I shan’t stand for your façade any longer. I see truth, I knew from the genesis of your sin, it held no virtues.
You called my light delusion, and you called my patience an unchecked ego. When I spoke clearly at last, your shell crumbled, you held no quarter to the lies before which you had brought forth against me. You say it “I love you not, I care nothing for you however you shall live.” And so it was laid plain.
Here I am 2 years later and I feel no different. My room is my favourite place to be, where I don’t have to prove my value to anyone. Between my family and my friends, I feel no love. I am the least favourite. I’ll try my best to check up on everyone, but I can go days, weeks and months without even messaging and noone would care. It’s a mental battle everyday to tell myself I’m loved and people care, but I know within my heart I’m only telling myself a lie. Sometimes I wish things were different, I wish I meant something to […]
Goddamnit, I’d hate for this to just be some bum other journal for me. But- At break point, I know that need.
Tonight I make the daring leap, I do what I hate myself for, what they will never forgive truly. For they cannot love, They cannot care for anything other than their purchase ‘pon me.
They will hate and weep, plead and probe into me, but my adamantine message cannot falter. Tonight will be difficult, I fear it’s malfruition. I pray to honest God for strength, for forgiveness for the resolve of self I have lacked so long, and for grace abounding […]
Im not sure what I am anymore. My flame is out yet again. I’ve wasted my vacation doing nothing. Soon back to a job that drains me of all energy to work on my own life. The people I’ve recently tried to turn into my new closest friends while sacrificing another one in the process still seems so distant. Maybe natural since they have their kids. But I can’t help feeling lonelier than ever before… What a mess…
So many times I’ve been told before that people “don’t think I can be happy.” I’m starting to think they are right. My anxiety and depression have gotten to the point where my medication isn’t working. This runs in my family, so there’s just no one to even talk to. It’s like, when I’m in front of the counselor, I can’t even convey the hurt inside. I always try to put on this face that everything is fine… and it’s not.
I think working from home has been really bad for me. I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately. My job is […]
Life is an odd thing.
You can have no friends, your family practically all passed away within a matter of 5 years, a grim past and equally bleak view of the future and where the world; not just your own existence is headed.
You can be aware with perhaps full on nihilism that it’d take close to 4 billion years going at 186,000 mp/s to reach the end of a still expanding universe, the thought putting into perspective perhaps how irrelevant this planet is. There’s likely hundreds of thousands of planets with other life going through the same issues human’s do. And one of them is awake […]
I’ve always felt that Don Quixote was the patron saint of the mentally ill. The story goes that an older man of upper middle class background loses his mind and thinks he’s a knight in the days of sword and sorcery. He’s actually living in a time when such things have become relics of the past, and not kindly remembered in some quarters.
Famously he attacks a windmill thinking it is a giant. The most interesting bit is when he goes to an inn for the night. He of course thinks it is a castle, and becomes enamored with the lady serving food and drinks. He […]