I’m surviving on thin margins here, thinner than I realized. You don’t know how little is holding you together until it is taken away. I had a game that was helping, relaxed me, helped with focus. Now it doesn’t work, don’t know when or if it will again. Today I almost lost access to my pay for another week, and fell apart…. thin margins when 7 more days without pay is 7 too many.

I thought about killing myself today. Not in a telling other people sort of way, more in a practical get it over with way. Didn’t see that I was that close to […]

So fucking pissed off.
GD mother fucking people. I have had fucking enough. All they want to do is fuck you, play fucking real “games” and hurt you in any way they can to make you fucking miserable. Always fighting for my right to fucking exist with some fucking respect. Fucking people are evil. I have had fucking enough. No fucking good reason to keep going on like this. None. No fucking breaks in between just one continuous fucking battle after another. It’s fucking enough and all this fucking bullshit about karma. Yea okay right, may all the mother fuckers get what they deserve, but […]

On a whim I decided to see if suicideproject was still around, and to see if I could log in. My posts were from 2015.

Wow, was I in a bad place. I remember the event in particular that prompted me to start cutting again, and to spiral into one of the lowest points of my life. Thank you to the commenters on those posts. Wherever you are now, I hope you found what you are looking for.

I wanted to write some kind of denouement here, because I am certainly glad I didn’t do it back then. I know reading some inspo stuff isn’t going to […]

I used to look at my personality as a curse. I never could bring myself to do it, and I hated that I was incapable of it. I hated that I couldn’t lie worth a damn, and kept revealing my feelings to the people I love. And that I had a single wish, to make a book that spoke of all of these feelings I had and transformed it into a positive, a strength. I wanted to let others feel hope in that darkest time, and even if its a bit conceited, its what I wanted. Its still what I want, even though I used […]

Here’s something funny. Maybe you can get some humor from it. This is a happy suicide note! As I write this, I’m not about to kill myself. I’ll be laughing with my friends online in a few minutes. Life will go on for a little while longer now. So, if you’re one of the strangers reading this when I first publish it, don’t feel sad for me. In fact, just keep assuming that the time never came. After you read it, just watch some cat videos and move on.

Anyways. Hi!

It’s strange, I know. I do want to explain a little. When it is actually time […]

putting aside the fact that i think im not really that attractive, but at least i look.. kinda cute on days where i actually take time to take care of myself, my body is very weird.

for 2 (almost 3?) years, ive been eating at least 1 or 2 meals a day (however, on days when i can’t catch my brother sleeping so i can sneak a meal, i usually just let myself not eat for that day), portion doesn’t really matter, but it’s been getting smaller and smaller. i used to binge eat alot when i was younger, i never got rid of that hunger […]

This world doesn’t want me in it. And I don’t much want to exist anymore, so we’re kind of agreed on that. There’s just the fear that’s keeping me here, and the damage that would be done to those that don’t deserve it. But I’m not really alive. I haven’t been for years now. This world holds no place for me. I don’t belong around others.  I belong in the dirt. And delaying that natural justice causes me pain. The world wants me not to exist. To return to the mulch. To be something useful again. Something innocent. My continued existence is a violation of […]

I’ve started buying things I don’t need, but the problem is right now my weekly wage shows no sign of increasing, and the value of things I buy is increasing. I feel like it’s unavoidable; soon we will have to do without most of the luxuries we used to take for granted. The upshot is I’m leveraged up to my eyes in debt, yes, my debt is the best thing about me

see, because rising inflation means wages WILL rise, or costs will decrease, and either way I can either pay off my debt more easily, or my take home pay will go further, that’s the […]

At least for some of us. This thought occurred to me some time ago. I know all about abusive relationships, and after looking up some “signs” list from resources sites,, the parallels are quite pronounced, if you look at it a certain light…a great article on au.reachout.com puts it thus:

Things you might feel in an abusive relationship
‘My partner isn’t violent all the time – they love me’

Your violent partner may act lovingly towards you at other times and may truly feel sorry for their horrible behaviour. So it might be hard to stay angry and upset with them. However, there is quite a high chance […]

I’m always trying to find a hidden message or meaning in everything I see just to somehow cheer myself up and throw out the thought of me offing myself. But nothing ever happens. I even started looking at weekly horoscop, fuck that, I tried even daily one. But nothing ever happens. Its always “blah blah your life will get better” but it never happens??? Days, weeks, months. And nothing happens. Is that the sign i was looking for? That there is nothing that would just make me stay? Just. Nothing ever happens

Going to go and see grandma tomorrow. She offered to pay for the restaurant for me. Called her a few days ago.
I’m rather nervous. I don’t even know how to be. I haven’t seen her since I was a little kid.
(I’m nearly 30 now…)

I’ll give her a little gift. Don’t know if I should but… I’ll do that. I feel so overwhelmed. I really do want to see her. I know she wants to see me too.

Why do I WORRY so much :/

Last time I helped someone important to me, talk to their friend because they wanted to take their life. I don’t even know that person so well. I won’t share details out of respect. I talked from a standpoint where I understand what it’s like and not pretend to find reasons everything is great.

Well, today I am in fact having a hard time, my mind is racing, I reached out to so many hands and no one took 5 minutes out of their day, to talk to me. So I took my hand back. I’m in isolation mode. There’s the internal loneliness, that isn’t all […]

I remember there was a time a few years back when I gave myself an “expiration date.” I had purchased some drugs that was meant to kill me and told myself “if shit doesn’t get better by next year i’ll finally do it.” Well the thought of my very short time left must have done something because a few months later my life turned around for the better. That and the guy I sent money to to provide me with those drugs actually scammed me and I never really had any means of  killing myself. For the next couple of years after that I was […]

I am watching a semi pro football game. A player who caught a pass turned to his opponent, in hot pursuit to tackle him, and lifted his arm and extended his middle finger towards him before successfully evading him.  Pro sports, testosterone fueled athletes caught up in the heat of competition, maybe there is “bad blood” between the teams…whatever.  Just that easily, he said “Fuck you” to the other player. He is not representative of all athletes, there are many respectful, professional men and women playing at all different levels. What struck me in his action was the human-ness of it – the split second […]

I’ve said it many times and I’ll say it again. D.O.N.’.T–H.A.V.E–C.H.I.L.D.R.E.N. It’s not worth it, if not for you, definitely NOT FOR THEM. Life is a rip off and it isn’t even enjoyable. A world built to lever your very needs against you to create profits for those it rewards. From the moment you dump them into a school they’ll be programmed to be taken advantage of. And if you refuse to participate there’s no planet left for you to survive on anyway.

In fact the biggest reason parents have children at all is due to this programming. the system needs more subscribers. […]

im a rather fucked up human. my mind is terminally ill; BPD and some other stuff. everyday is more confusing. i dont even know why the only thing i want in life is to die. but that is the only thing i want. im functioning. or rather my shell is, meanwhile my emotions rule us with no control on my end to the point of being different personalities in moods. everything is pointless, nobody can change our mind on that. i understand some things on a incredible level, but cant force thoughts to work through everyday issues. the battles ive fought with myself and those […]

It’s one thing to accept the pain, know nearly every moment is excruciating, understand you can’t feel any of the happiness others can. To watch youth crumbling away and know everything you’ve lost. It’d be okay… If it ended. I can’t take the horror of every day with the frustration of thinking I know exactly what’d help me and just waiting for the healthcare I need with no idea when it’s coming or if I’ll last that long. I’m nowhere close to being able to afford it myself. There’s nowhere to go if you get more desperate, you just have to wait your turn. And […]

the working memory of humans supposedly limits somehow the amounts of things that a person can be aware of at the same time when working on something. it was once said that this number is seven, plus/minus two, but people who care about such ideas say these days that this is a bit more complicated than that.

why brain, why? why can’t i just use everything i want all at once? i don’t like how this works. worthless brain. it only makes everything hard.

hmm… what was i supposed to do next today? why did i end up writing this? what were the things that i wanted […]

I’ve been suffering from IBS, severe prostate pain, and insomnia from pain off and off for over a year and the pain is starting to come back.  I believe these problems are from eating too much sugar and drinking too much booze over the years, probably more from eating poorly.  I also have health anxiety disorder, so it’s hard for my parents to believe me but part of the reason I have health anxiety disorder is because I’ve had undiagnosed pain in my youth from this and I’ve only recently put together what it is.  I don’t want to kill myself but if my severe […]

I wish that I could die just by thinking about it without having to physically kill myself