Unavoidably, being responsible for stuff comes back, and a near enthusiastic engagement with my experiences.

I’m so over it though. Maybe that means doing these things “ironically”, all the while in the back of my mind, my bags are packed, fuck this place, fuck these people, and none of this will ever really matter.

My only true love is the void, dancing with it fascinates me. It’s the only thing that makes me feel like it is worth going on.

Today someone said to me “fuck death” and I thought about the game fuck marry kill, and I’d marry death, there are way sexier things out there, but […]

living alone

what can I do to stay alive?

at this point all I do is survive

for what?

for who?

family?

yeah, well OK they get a pass, they’re pretty cool

then why are you the one actin a fool? are you jaded?

no, not really

abused?

nope

are you financially burdened?

nah… doing OK

then what the fuck is wrong with you?

are you blessed?

relatively… yeah

do you feel privileged?

absolutely

are you loved?

yeah, I am

then where is the problem, asshole?

there’s one answer I don’t have

well you ain’t good for shit then, are you?

totally useless

what […]

Every now and then, when I’m feeling especially low, I find myself wondering: “Why aren’t I going back to it?” To the worst things I’ve done. It’s what I used to do when I felt like this. A huge part of me wants to, and to do much worse. It’s been nearly 5 years now since I last sunk so low.

I think it’s mainly for selfish reasons. It’s finally clicked in my head that it won’t make me happy. Sure, it’ll feel amazing in the moment. But then I’ll have to deal with the guilt again. The guilt never goes away. But it will be […]

Most of the time, the only option left for us is to die. It’s not like we deliberately want to die, maybe some of us do, but it is just the only viable option the world gave us.

I did try to fight. I really did. I didn’t try to fight because I wanted to live. I tried to fight because other people wanted me to – people that actually do love me. But it seems like the world is going against me. It feels like the world is a better place if I am not here anymore. Fight you say? What’s the point if it […]

i don’t see how i can continue to ‘hold on’. most people have something that might distract them or keep them happy. all i have is alcohol but all it’s doing is drowning me. if i don’t drink i can barely function but if i keep drinking i’m scared it’ll trap me in a dangerous cycle and never let me out. maybe it already has

New Years I decided to do something different. Right now I’m back in my college town instead of back home because I needed to work on a school project before the semester started. So I’m by myself in my one bed room apartment. Instead of just drinking by myself as I would, I went out to a bar. Since it’s a college town, there’s a district in town that is essentially 15+ bars lumped together. I went, ordered a burger and a cocktail and left. I didn’t even stay until midnight. I reasoned that I could just feel […]

I never know what to say. I’m so bad at talking about myself and my problems. I’d rather distract myself with someone else’s. Maybe that’s why I’m here, I don’t know. I know I’m sad. I’ve been sad. It’s getting harder and harder to hide.

I’d rather lay here, alone, crying, drowning in music…

Just send a message….

But I can’t bring myself to do it

I attempted once when I was 21. This was before google. I was naive to how to go about it. I thought if I just took a bunch of pills then I would die. I took the whole box of pills and  got in the bath. I floated for a bit then I called out to whatever was out there to come take me. I wrote a quick note to noone in particular, and closed my eyes. I woke up hours later, and it was like I had an unbelievable will to live. I got myself to the hospital where they treated me like shit, […]

I was doing good throughout the pandemic. I had been taking Benzos for over 9 years. I had decided to come off Benzos and start life all over again, because Benzos were now damaging me. In February of 2021, I went to my psychiatrist to get me off these drugs. Instead she put me on another drug that turned out to be more evil called Effexor. I was able to come off Benzos on my own and the psychiatrist cut my benzos refills off. I stopped sleeping and functioning. I then started taking Effexor and after two months of no sleep, I started sleeping again. […]

Early hours in the morning really are quite nice. It’s been a long while since i was last awake this early all by myself, i should do it more often. There’s a certain… feeling of belonging at this time. And it just feels kinda right.
I didn’t sleep very well, it was actually kinda strange. I was dreaming, but my eyes were burning because i felt awake. Kept fully waking up and trying to go back to sleep quite a few times, so about an hour ago i just gave up.
It’s true what they say, that the sky’s darkest moment is right before the […]

What did I do wrong?

Why are you angry with me?

Am I a burden?

Am I a problem?

If so, I’m sorry.

I didn’t mean to make you suffer

I Know that I am a problemi, and I am sorry.

I really want to help you.

But I don’t know how.

I’m sorry, really really sorry..

Hey everyone, I just wanted to share my story here. Currently I am nearly 30 years old (dutch male) and a long time reader of this site. Since the age of 20 I have had a problem with my gums. They get infected regularly despite everything I do to prevent just that. I brush twice a day with an electric toothbrush, I floss and rinse afterwards with antibacterial mouthwash once a day. Besides that I visit the dental hygienist 3-4 times a year for a thorough clean. I eat, exercise and live healthy. Despite all that my gums are bleeding all the time and just […]

I don’t know why I feel so much pain

I don’t know what’s real anymore

I’m so numb

I’ve tried to die so many times

I try to fix myself, but I’m so far gone.

I don’t know if I’m crazy, I just hate life, I hate it all its so fake.

I hate you and I hate me. I’m just stuck with this feeling in my heart and I don’t know why.

I fucking hope I die soon so bad. I’m so sick of wanting death.

I looked back on my previous posts to see where i was at mentally. And it was not good. I was 18 at the time struggling emotionally and mentally.

A few updates on some of my posts:

“I Remember”

This was about being sexually abused by my mother’s father at age 4. So a few months ago, i found out that my mother had actually planned for it to happen. She took us there, knowing it was an unsafe environment and waited for him to fuck up, without regards of who would be the collateral damage. I have since gone no-contact. It was been about […]

theyre both busy again and honestly, after my last fuck up i dont want to find someone to talk to…
i hate bpd. i hate the chronic boredom, the neediness. every symptom is useless and they all create their own problems

It’s been two months since my failed overdose and I currently still feel like shit. I got a huge headache and I feel like my body is going through withdrawals. This is the worst, I need something to ease the pain.

i cant find a song to the point that its aggravating me
its country
its a m-f duet
the male doesnt want the female to leave and the female is like “i should have said i didnt love you sooner”
or something like that, not even close to the right quote.
i feel like it was a 2020 song but im not 100% sure, just basing it off of top lists i found for 2019, 2020, and 2021
ive tried everything i can think of, its like the song doesnt exist

I feel like shit. Garbage