I told you. I warned you. I need time away, idk if ill be back….

I cant do this….

i cant find a place to hang. I was supposed to be normal, i just fixed myself she wont give me a break. I am going to go crazy. this isnt real. I woke up at the wrong time, i wasnt supposed to wake up, i woke up in the wrong world in the wrong body, this is jusyt a bad dream. I never knew this. If someone could recprd me. I wil nver remember what happened, I cant find a place to hang. the doorknob is too low, the rail of the bed soesnt work, cutrain pole tooo soft it curves in. I need […]

I’ve gotten to the point where even though I know I’d hurt people by leaving, I don’t care. I’ll be dead, so they can feel their pain and then move on. Is it selfish? yes. do I care? no. I don’t know if I could ever actively kill myself, but if something were to kill me, such as a deadly car crash, I wouldn’t fight to live anymore.

Sad but true.

Talking to people i can tell. They get this lost feeling about them. They have no idea what to do with me. How to handle me. I can tell they dont want me to die.

I feel like an injured animal one has to put down. You dont want to. It kills you to. Your chest hurts, eyes swelling with tears. But you know the animal is hurting. You try everything, anything to save this poor creature. After the life its had, this cant be how it ends…

I’ve made so many mistakes that whenever I pause to think on how things came to be the way they are, my head starts to hurt. Every time things go slightly well, a million reasons why things will inevitably get worse come to mind. With such a bad past, such a bleak present, and such a hopeless future, I don’t know what to do really. It’s like the world will never let me forget. I can’t forget how people are. I can’t forget who I am, and what I’ve done, and what has been done to me in turn. There’s this wall of shadows between […]

Not going to be topical/current, rather talking about another of my shameful habits

Every now and then, I visit the graveyard of my desires. There were people that I loved, and some of them died. Those are the easier to square with than the ones that went on living, with no interest towards me being in their lives.

I’ll say their names, because I’ll never be able to anywhere else;

Laurel
Tiffany
Amber
Todd
Stephanie
Lindsay
Sarah

This isn’t to say that they chose to end it, often enough it was me that decided I couldn’t bleed for the relationship anymore. The ones still alive, I tend to check […]

reconnecting with some old friends. more battle worn then before so trying to walk on a damn tight rope. ill start to feel fine. ill start to get comfortable and then i get stabbed in the chest as anxiety brings me back to reality

“why did you say that!? youre stupid”

and the worst part:
do you listen to it because you dont want to push them away or tell it to fuck off.

and the even worst part….. you wont know the right answer until the anxiety gets so bad that you push them away, or you get so annoying they push you away.

mental disorders ruin everything

Losing all my friends, my family wants to give up on me. I been feeling psychotic all this time. Nobody loves you while you’re here but they will miss you when you’re gone. Atleast pretend they will. The older you get, the worse it is. You know that stupid show “Everyone hates Chris” well my theme title would be “Everyone hates Mike” just for any sympathy, you ever been told since you’re suicidial, “why dont you do it” Also a reminder, just human nature “people will leave you once the convience stops. Like money, good friendship or the best one yet, the guy who is […]

currently i wish to die, not because I want to actively die, i just want relief. i have had 5 attempts before in the last year and a half and i still want to do it. but i know if i do it people might miss me, something that i don’t believe is true, but my friends say it’s true, but can i really call them my friends. i have a lot of trust issues so i can never tell.

this is my first post so i don’t really know what i’m doing. i just hope anyone i know finds me on here, not that they […]

A Bob Marley Quote ^

But who is worth suffering for?
I’m so tired.

Severe depression?

I haven’t been properly diagnosed, but i’m wondering if my depression is perhaps more than circumstantial. Allot of shitty things have happened this year, last year and honestly throughout life. A few of the things i’ve been experiencing being depressed are

Overwhelming sadness and hopelessness

It gets so bad that anyone could tell that something is wrong with me. My facial expression goes blank and my body posture is slow and slumped over. I often experience uncontrollable crying so intense that’s accompanied by me hyperventilating and literally curling up into a ball. Those episodes of depression completely drain my body and leaves me with a headache.

Self […]