i’m a confused and lost soul living in a self-destructive and cold body.

since that one event in my life i’ve forced myself to be a cold-hearted and mean-spirited person because i though it was better that way.

destroy relationships before they destroy you

leave before you get left

i’ve burned enough bridges it’s insane i haven’t drowned yet.

everyone uses the phrase ‘fake it till you make it’ for thinks like confidence and happiness,

but that little girl in me used it to become an emotionless void

and now i don’t know how to turn back.

i don’t even know if i can.

I never needed a friend who calls bullying ‘drama’. that’s offensive and hurtful to bullying victims. Bullying is bullying. Yeah.
Yeah I have reasons to care about my ex using bullying player names referencing me (although the names have stopped).
I guess my ex bullying half the server one time ‘I come here to provoke people to get a reaction for my entertainment’… yes that’s what he said. I might be biased, but this line is bullying.

Finally I don’t care about being liked or being approved by others… it’s more important for me to call out bullies than for me to be liked.

I know […]

Failure turns into regret
Pain turns into suffering
Its like anguish becomes a melody
Torture becomes a harmony
Hell becomes a symphony
Brainwashing becomes a tune
Conforming becomes obeying
Listening becomes slaving
Your environment becomes your toxicity
Then finally, your mind becomes your own prison
We all live our own nightmares
Life is the cruelest dream

Youre never on the same page. One cant have an intelligent conversation when the other person cant even stay on track.

“Yeah but my point…..” Has absolutly NOTHING to do with what i said. Ill reexplain it several times and youll continue to insist. FUCKING LISTEN TO ME! Why cant you do that?

(I don’t want to make another post)
I have so much bothering me right now but no one to talk to. they’re all busy or something. If I asked my therapist she’d say call the MMH, but I’ll pass. Even if I had someone to talk to I shouldn’t talk to them. My problems […]

Feeling ko ang malas malas ko.
malas sa school, pamilya, sa negosyo, sa lahat
yung bf ko, simula naging kami… namatayan yearly
I m so lost
I wanna die

i have lost everything, no friends, no pation, no future, family don’t want me, i have no one to turn to, i don’t have place in the world, i just exist day by day with no aim just going around trying not to think that at all just trying to be numb, idk my self sometimes, idk what’s wrong with me, why am i here? [- __-]

Again, something I don’t get to talk about in my “public” life, because it hurts too much, and it is far too frightening. I’ve tried to work through it with therapists, with no luck at all.

At the end of the day, what scares me more than anything external, is myself. This is a peculiar form of self loathing, I’m convinced because though I have looked all my life, I have never found someone else who admits they are afraid of what they might do.

The awful thing about this is that it is the closest to a self portrait as I can do as a writer. […]

No matter what, shit just happens to me.
I’m so tired of it.

Ever feel like everyone else is doing something with their lives, but you’re not? -_-

I believe that all is forgiven after death. That they do what they do for a reason. I feel they shouldnt be condemned for that.

I feel i need to process this into healing.

I cant believe im saying this but it makes sense. I need to work on my personal religious beliefs. I need to put more faith in “god”.

my dream is to die of euthanasia with someone embracing me as I pass on to my eternal sleep. I don’t want it to be someone I know, I just want someone to hold me as I die. and it would be the best day of my life.

I used to wish for a lot of things. A dad, a home, friends, a safe place to go when I’m scared. I used to wish for so much, but looking back, I haven’t wished for anything aside from death. I miss the desire I had to make wishes. But nothing works. People say to talk to someone for help, someone to talk to about all of this. But the truth is, I don’t have anyone. Any person I could talk to about this wouldn’t understand. They wouldn’t understand that outside of maybe two people, I have nobody to live for. Nothing in this world […]

I did it. I fucking did it. I’ve got all I need packed in a back pack. Two pairs of shoes. And the things I’ll need when I decide enough is enough. I feel like Forest Gump when he starts running across the country.  I don’t know where I will go or where I will end up when it is time.  I can’t be lost if I don’t belong anywhere.

Socio-economic circle

I recently got rejected from a college course i applied to. It’s the third time ive been rejected for college, this has been the case ever since i became old enough (16) to go to college in The Netherlands . It was never my lack of drive and ambition to pursue an education that got me rejected…neither my grades! I always showed willingness to learn and really applied myself where needed and extra…yet it was never enough.

So where does that leave me? well…that leaves me with no education, no job and no money. Colleges close their doors on me whenever i apply for education, […]

Not suicide related

I saw the person who ghosted me in the game server yesterday (looking at stats on a website), and saw them rejoin the discord server again, around the same time with someone else.

And yes this is the same person who asked me to let them know if I didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

I thought they were my friend…
In a rage I blocked them and the other person who joined the server.

They only make me angry now, I wish I would not see them anywhere…

I’m probably overreacting but I’m tired of people. Especially people like this. Don’t […]

I am gonna kill myself tonight, i finally have the resolve to do it , finally i will be free from this suffering , i don’t care if i go to hell , people often told me that they were envious of my life , if only they knew what i was dealing with all along ,no matter what hapened it is all gonna be erased ,alongside my very own existance , assholes in my country are probably gonna say things like “he lost his faith” or whatever ,to be honest they can say whatver they want to , they can shove their opinions all […]

What do you do when you want to run from people and things that hurt you but you have nowhere to go. I feel so weak

“Would you like fries with that”

Youre a fucking asshole that deserves to burn

Found myself acting like a child after getting really angry. Who am I kidding, there is no one to go to. I am a child after it all, I should be one, why am I like this, why do I all of the sudden, look like this? I am so tired, I am so tired I am so tired I am so tired. I can’t fix myself, neither do I want to. Keep punishing me until one day, eventually, one day, I’ll find myself in bed, small, clueless, pale, free of sins. In a loop of time, there will always be one instance, the eternal […]

https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/Anthony-2-btr.m4a

The days are growing shorter. September is hours away, and this morning I wore a light jacket in the morning.  I used to look forward to summers transition to fall, this year…well, it’s going to happen, so what’s it matter what I think? The state fair is in full swing, and living as close as I do to the fairgrounds, I can hear, off in the distance, the sounds of whatever band is playing tonight…you know the sound of a concert that’s already started as […]