i wouldnt call it inspiring but its not bad either. i thought someone else might like these songs as much as i do :).

i personally like this song because suicide aside, you really can die at any second so you should at least try to cherish some moments because anything can happen. if you were told you had 1 week to live and you could do anything you wanted, money not an issue, what would you do? (it has to be something positive, not blowing something up or killing people) i told my friend i want to go mountain climbing before i die. ive […]

This seems counterintuitive.

I hate Monday’s. Yesterday morning I had that sinking feeling again and I was ready to go through with my plans and kill myself. I wasn’t scared, I was completely ready, but I knew I shouldn’t, and the plan is to wait until July anyways, so I was looking for a way to make the day more bearable. About 9 AM I determined I was going to have a drink to relax a little and just deal with it.

I was drunk by 10, sure, I still wanted to die at that point but I wasn’t as concerned about doing it right […]

Its like you feel alright but then something small just like a snap happens and then all your mind can think about is everything bad that has ever happened that is happening or that is gonna happen in the future. It fucking sucks. Its like you fall again and again in the spiral. Its like at the end of the day you are deep inside the spiral and then the next day you climb it all back working hard the whole day doing things to make things close to normal but then at some point as soon as you see the ray of light your […]

Believe it when I say tried to kill myself.

I caught a plane to Vietnam on the 15th of May 2020 – the plan was to have a good ..meal..have some decent sex then end it with a gun shot wound as I would be using the little savings I had left for a pleasurable time then go out with a bang. Unfortunately it was not meant to be. My Visa got approved online but upon arrival at the international Vietnamese airport they retracted granting people Visas because of the Corona Virus. Me and 20 other nationals from Russians to Canadians were returned back to our […]

I wish I could turn off my thoughts
I just want to sleep
I don’t want to be a burden
I don’t want to be awful anymore
I wish I could cope

Hello..

It’s been a very long time, though nothing has changed has it?

Wisdom and knowledge is learned only through progressing ones intentions to do so. Its overrated. Why try to be the best person you you can be if everyone is the same. What’s to be gained from hard work other than currency? “Buy the ticket take the Ride”. I refuse to buy the ticket because I know my future. I know the highs and lows, how the game is played and I want no part of it. The “Cake” is a lie. There is no reason to fight to reach oblivion or paradise. […]

im cancelling my appointment with my psychiatrist. i already stopped seeing my therapist (but that was her own doing for not getting ahold of me when this whole pandemic thing started and its not like i didnt try. i called several times.) my friend bugged me and bugged me for years saying he would feel better if i was getting help. well now i can either not tell him and the only way he would know is if i told him or tell him which i really dont want to do. im not even sure why im putting this up for suggestions i probably just […]

What do you think about these riots in the USA?

If you could restart, would you?

I have a debate with the voices in my head on this question. The reason I’m still alive is because I know I’ll be missed. I don’t know why they would miss me on some days. I find myself useless. But sometimes I think about how I am a survivor of all the bad times and all the times I wanted to hurt. I am a survivor to all the times I wanted it to end, of the times I was assaulted. I still stayed, and yes I look around and think to myself all the ways I could stop. […]

I can’t afford this rn. Its just not right. I have to do what I have to do. I shouldn’t do what I am doing. I have to be alright. I can’t go back into this. It’s been almost 10 days so now I can’t slide back into that again. I have to stay outside. I must stay outside of it. I can’t let it control me again. I can’t afford to have my head messed up again. I can’t spend hours wishing for nothingness. I can’t afford this at this point. I need to work hard. I have to keep pushing myself. Doesn’t matter […]

There are many lost brilliant ideas & visions, because of various limiting factors in life/society/existence, even including seemingly random factor such as “luck/fortunate”

I don’t think people deeply realize about this reality,
& how depressing it is for those who have failed

You don’t die but the life you currently know is gone. You get to restart. You select the age and then click the restart button. You don’t remember anything but you have faint memories of the ones that harmed you. Just enough to know you should avoid them other then that everything past the selected age is forgotten.

I’d pick age 9 as my restart date. well…i have reasons for picking the day I was born to. Like how my mother threw my biodad out of my life. Or left me to starve so she could go… Maybe I should just pick the day I […]

An open book you can read
A closed, you cannot
Fake pages
So revealing
Yet so secretive
You can read so well
Yet you can’t read at all
A brand new book you’ve just opened
So new
So kind
So clean
Had it for months
The text grew weary
Behind it’s white pages
The secretive
The weary
Sad how
The one who cuts first
Will never be
The secretive

Stereophonic hypnotism,

acute memories taken up space,

desired to be defined through eloquent soliloquy,

violins seem to be serenading me, victim activism.

nicotine medicine or virus, life taken at my own pace.

Wordpress Serifs to express all that eats at me,

dichotomy of a soldier on a mission.

living for a taste,

of euphony, ecstasy, sexual expression smiles silent,

hearts swallowed whole by intimacy.

Feels like I’ve been graced,

by habitual gravitation.

pulled together again,

by the stitches of her imagination.

Black doves engulfed in the fire of the sunset,

flitting away somewhere sweet.

hands in hearts in knots and anxiety,

she will someday set me free.

You always ask me
Question me
An answer unappealing
You ask again
Again
Again
Tell me
Since when do shackles ask
“Why are you bound?”
When do the devils ask
“Why are you bad?”
Since when
Could you ask your pot
“Why are you like this?”

I saw my stepdad and now I’m slowly recovering from a massive panic attack. My chest hurts my gut is upside down. As much as I hate change I should move far away so I never have to see anyone ever again.

I feel so awful – in myself. And it’s not that I don’t deserve to. I’m a truly shitty person. But there’s no way out from under it.

There are things I can do to be less shitty. In some ways I’m significantly better than I used to be (though in others I’m possibly worse.) But no matter what I do, I can’t get back to neutral. To the position where I can look others in the eye again. I could cure cancer, and I’d still be scum. If anything, the feeling gets worse the harder I try – the more I have to interact with […]

That pipe, oh so short
How I sat next to it
So bright, as if it would’ve lasted centuries
So bright, I believed it was longer
Might’ve run the galaxies and back
It only lasted three months
Each time I returned,
It thinned a little more
Dimmed a little more
It cracked a little more
Until nothing was left
This one too, huh?
I placed it too high
Thought it too long
Thought it too sturdy
There is never
Anything
Sturdy Enough
Not even
The shoes I run the galaxies with

Nice try though. Better luck next time. Lol.
At least I still have SP.