So the topic of todays post.

How do you feel about where you currently are in life? And im not looking for a simple you hate it. Why do you hate it? What about it do you hate? Have you gotten use to it?

Personally, im a little bit of both. In some moments thats my life and whatever. In other moments i hate it. I hate always changing my mind. Not being able to stick with anything. I hate how it feels like i lack control over most if not all things. Do i want to hit my head off the wall? No, but […]

from what i could remember, it happened during the spring break, when my mother found the receipt of a dress in my father’s suitcase. the dress wasn’t a gift for my mother, in the end, until this day i still don’t know about the full story——i don’t want to know

i was in grade 6.

this is not the event that made everything go wrong, it’s just a small piece of everything that happened, but i don’t want to forget about it, even though sometimes it feels like that the past doesn’t exist, as if my memories were just planted into my brain seconds ago.

my mother and […]

Hi ok so idk why i feel like people cared more about me during school? Omg that sounds so narcissistic but i feel like i got more attention during school. Ah i hate saying that but its true and its sad that its true. That i simply don’t have happiness within myself but from attention of others.

And so now all my friends are doing there own thing which i think is great! i really do think its great but idk i just miss the attention ig. I miss feeling like people actually cared what i had to say. now i say something to someone and […]

Cutting with a heated blade? That sounds so amazing.

YAY STILL NO BOOZE. at least people say thats a good thing. idk

anyway i had this idea a while ago and lilsuicideangel007 reminded me of it. and im curious if it would help others.

so i was wanting to cut one day a little while back but at the same time not really. then i got to wondering if maybe theres an app for that. well not saying there isnt just saying i didnt find one on the google play store. (if you know of one cool and pretty please tell me?) so what im thinking is what if there was an app for cutting. you […]

Anyone ever feel like theres one thing that changes everything about hemselves. Im realizing more and more how terrible my memory is. It affects everything, my relationships, my job and my ability to function properly in society. Its this one flaw alone that makes me want to take my life before I mess everything up

Today is going to be the start of stopping my self harm, this quarantine thing ends for my state on April 30, 2020 so I’m happy about that. But today my arms will no longer look like a bar code. Uhm yea thats all I have to say

I went to the roof I stood on the edge… I saw the boulevard… It looked beautiful from up there… There was a gentle breeze… I felt peaceful in a long time, just by standing at that edge, waiting to jump… Reminiscing everything good that life had given me and feeling bad that I didn’t have the balls to tell my family about everything I had gone through… Hell, I even recalled eighth grade geography and those fucking trigonometric equations… I had my phone with me… I had deleted everything on it cause that was highly confidential bullshit… More like the fucked up shit you […]

Oh boy….
Where to begin?
No job, no place to live, and it feels like I’m all alone in the world. I know I’m not… I’ve siblings, a daughter and a few close friends ( mainly just the one), but none of them understand what it’s like in my head. Every thought is either “you’re not worth it”, “you’re not good enough”, or best yet “why would anyone care about you?”

I’ve contemplated suicide quite a bit lately. What’s the point in continuing an existence that leaves me feeling vulnerable and exposed? This would be the last thing I write, but i still have things to […]

This is the first time that I am actually trying to tell someone about how I feel, every time I try to write something or tell someone I always give up because I am too scared about what other people will tell me about it. Maybe I am making a mistake, but I just want to talk to someone without them getting angry and telling me that my life is perfect and that I am just a liar because since I always look so happy on the outside, there’s no way that I am thinking about suicide and that I only cut myself for […]

My current situation is the lowest I’ve ever been. But I should be thankful because things could be worse. Way worse.

I’ve accepted this is my new normal. I hate it. My dreams seem farther away. It feels as though I’m running in a circle, never escaping my past.

I moved away and told myself I could have a better life. I believed if I tried hard enough I could have a life that made all my parents sacrifices worth it. Turns out I failed and continue to fail over and over. Does that make me a selfish child? Unappreciative of all my parents have done for […]

I sometimes look at discord to see if she’s on. Yeah I know it’s creepy. Yeah I know I should probably stop. Yeah I know that I’m a sad pathetic man. Anyways, I noticed she was playing League of Legends. That means she is ok. Or ok enough to play a video game. Yeah it kind of sucks that she won’t respond to my messages but she will play a game. It hurts a little. But after a little while, I realized that she is ok enough to play games and possibly hang out with friends. […]

My only wish is that my best friend were still here or at least the universe would let take me back a year ago.

i am starting over, sort of. i am currently high so thats not it. however i havent had a drink. one problem at a time. ill tell him a few days into this so he can forget about my mistake and just focus on the past few days. anyway, not why im here today, just thought id give a quick update.

they lied to me. they tricked me. they played on my biggest fear. OVER SOMETHING STUPID! heres what happened.
they were always yelling at me to clean my room. ok it wasnt the cleanest room in the house but i knew where all my stuff […]

With this hideous virus gripping the world I knew getting my hands on top shelf weed was gonna be problematic. Let’s face it, everyone is now living in a police state, and this means getting weed was gonna be hard. Luckily I forged a friendship with a grower who knows other growers so I knew he’d put some aside for me, the problem was gonna be getting there and back. Essential journeys we keep hearing are the only tolerated reason to be driving and this is now being enforced by a visible police presence world wide. I understand the need for this and obey social […]

i don’t understand.

something’s wrong.

i know that i’m myself, but something feels wrong. i have to keep doing things to keep myself together, i don’t feel myself. either i’m going insane, or i’m just trying to play the victim again, i fucking hate this, every part of it, every part of me. unintentionally i’ve created so many sides for different people, platform and situations, that they are unable to merge into one. i can’t clearly describe it anymore, if i stop distracting myself for a second i’ll fall into a loop of confusion. something is wrong, i can’t explain what. i feel like i’m transparent, outside […]

I’ve always felt alone all my life where no one actually loves or cares enough to get me out of my miserable existence. Working a hopeless job with so much pressure and stress driving me towards benzos to cope with daily life, and now I can fairly say I’m addicted and good a old benzo baby now leading me further towards thoughts of suicide. My parents and brothers don’t understand, but they’re all fucked in their own right …. There hasn’t been a happy moment to hold on too since years, and all I do I fuck up and hurt the people around […]

I find it peculiar

The way the people around me so effortlessly and thoughtlessly put me aside. I’m on the edge. I keep saying. “It’s so bad” “I’m not doing well” “why is no one taking me seriously?” “I need support”. It has taken years to be able to say these truths without falling apart. My therapist agrees. I need support. I need support 24/7, so an ESA may be the best route. Well, I don’t have the money to pay a trainer and right now I’m unemployed with all the time in the world. So I should get one and train it myself. But every […]

i’m so tired. holy shit, i’m so tired.

i’m also super stoned right now. my small rebellion until i finally make the jump.

i miss talking to him. doesn’t seem like he’s thinking of me at all.

doesn’t really seem like anyone is.

last entry i questioned my possession of a soul.

i think it’s not fully gone yet. but it’s starting to pass on. almost like i’m sending my luggage ahead of me.

traveling’s always made me feel hopeful.