in the worst fucking mood imaginable.. my little sister (half-sister) does not live with me at my house.. and my mother wants no part of what’s going on.. this is what’s going on..

my little sisters dad is an alocoholic. and she wasn’t at school yesterday and neither was her boyfriend. they had to go to the “cop-shop” because her dad wouldn’t let her go to school because he pushed her down the stairs.. he went to jail.. and on facebook, he had to say something along the lines of “what kind of country is this where a 14 year old daughter can have her dad thrown […]

Its funny how my heart screams for help, yet my mouth says ” Im ok” out loud.

Its funny how I tried all my life to stay alive, but now I am trying to die.

Its funny how I walk around with a huge smile on my face that lights up the room, but inside me there is total darkness.

Its funny how I give people advice, yet I’m the one that needs all the help I can get.

Its funny that Im affraid of pain, but everyday I cut myself.

Its funny that people say “life gets better”, but infact its getting worse.

Its funny how the people that are […]

Missed school again today. The teacher finally decided to call home after I missed two days’ worth of school (exams) and now everyone knows that I’m playing truant. Well, whatever. I don’t even care anymore. Last night, my dad started going on and on about how I’m irresponsible and whatnot. Who gives a damn about responsibility when I’ve lost the ability to feel any sort of emotion whatsoever?

Major depression, depersonalisation disorder and borderline bipolar, and no one sees it. The funny thing is that my parents don’t even care. Typical Asian parents who decide that covering their ears and eyes and pretending that there’s nothing […]

I feel strange the thing that calms my anxiety and depression and prevents me from hurting myself, is ironically the thought of suicide. When I think about killing my self and having a hope that an effective exists actually feels reassuring that there is a way out if things don’t work out for me. I never really proactively tried to kill myself because I am not impulsive, but I have dabbled with the idea. I am also a procrastinator, so when I full extremely awful, I decide I am going to kill myself but I naturally procrastinate like I do with every task. The thought and the […]

Maybe the most painful words ever spoken to me. I’ll never forget this.

Live for others and/or live for yourself, it’s all the same if you want to live… I am wondering what are some good causes to die for?  The monks of self-conflagration seem to have a reason to live, and to save that- were willing to die.  To end the oppression of others , many are willing to go to war and end lives and give their own.  To ease one’s own grief,suffering, and hopelessness can be a rational reason for auto-annihilation (in certain circumstances).  I am talking about being completely satisfied and at peace, and committing suicide as a proactive mass media event.  Are there […]

I’m alone and most of the time rather it be that way,I get very uncomfortable in social situation, I barely go out anymore. I just want to cry all the time and sadness over comes me.My past haunts me, I’ve tried to get help and fix it, but everyone tell me only I can help myself. But I fail miserable wish make me more depressed. I have nothing to talk about I don’t wanna talk, I want to sleep all day and never walk up, Honestly like to live in my dreams. No one understand want I’m going through everyone i’ve tried  to consult in […]

I am losing… I keep falling… joy deteriorates in me… my heart is in complete atrophy… my depression is eating me up inside… the hurt…

Today I heard about something a guy in my town did. This poor, desperate, genius. A day or two ago (I’m not sure which, this kind of news is often misleading), he walked out to one of the busiest highways in the area and sat on the cement median. He just sat there for a while, waiting. Waiting for a semi truck. When he saw it coming he started to walk out into the road. Seeing him the truck driver tried to stop and swerved but he was going so fast that there was little he could do. He managed to swerve enough that he […]

Perhaps to the contrary of what many of you would think here,
I am actually live from a quite healthy & “normal” situation/environment, eg:
– I am born from a quite loving, and healthy family. My childhood was a quite happy ones, with lots of traveling here & there.
– I am from a quite middle-to-upper class family, which can be said, I’m pretty much okay/well-off, albeit not super/very-rich.
– I even went to all those what “normal” society would call “great routes” in life like: great education & school overseas (in U.S, “The Land of the Dream” for immigrant people like me, which is […]

With a year and nine months sober,  my life is a complete shit show. Ive been on hold with the phone company for two hrs now. this happens to me on a weekly bases.  I live in a basement, and when people walk upstairs it rocks my walls. My rent was recently raised and the cocroaches that are crawling around on the floor makes no sence for that to be hapenig. My car is breaking down and its nearing registration time. I just found out im pregnant and I cant even imagine if i had the child, even if i gave it up for addoption, my physical and mentle state would be severly put […]

Can’t do ANYTHING.

I feel the need to be perfect, because that’s what I’ve been told to be since the age of 6. What type of little girl wants to watch her mother get abused by her own brother, what type of little girl wants to call the cops on her brother; and get him sent to Bar-H? I never wanted him gone, I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every night for the past 5 years. I’ve already mutilated my body, the blade gets deeper each time it contacts my skin. All I wanna feel, is pain. I have no life, no reason for being here.. not even a […]

I just wanted to say that i found this website so long ago and i’ve been trying so hard to be there for everyone im here what i cannot explain enough is that we all feel the same way! We all understand what each other is feeling and going through so instead lets start talking to each other and things like that cause we dont judge and we understand we gotta stay alive because if we all die out then the next person who are they gonna run to when they wanna die but just want someone to talk to its so important we talk […]

Smoking a cigarette and I look back on my life.

I don’t know what to say or what to do, I just know soon I will be dead, my last act.

I have been trying to keep busy, watching movies, putting on a face and acting happy. I don’t want anyone to ever know what I went through. I will just be a memory soon. Im not going to leave any direct messages behind to anyone.

The things in the post keep arriving to aid me in my death, not many pieces left to arrive. I wanted to die a peaceful death, but I guess that may not […]

My final days are fast approaching. I finally am looking forward to something. I made the mistake of saying something to my mom and what do I get back? She tells me I’m a spoiled, selfish brat that wants to hurt everyone I possibly can just because I can’t get what I want. But it’s ok, because I don’t care anymore. I told her that too…. That I don’t care about anything or anyone and it’s not selfish, but I don’t expect her to understand. She says, just tell yourself you are happy and you will be. Riiiiiight. That’ll make nearly 18 years of hating […]

this past year (the 28th year of my life):

i moved to a new city for a job,

became permanently disabled due to a accident,

was crutches for 7 months,

doctors kept ignoring me saying i’m young and will heal,

now never every step, chronic pain stabbing shooting,

then my girlfriend of 4-years broke up with me,

tried to get help from multiple psychotherapists who seemed unable to help me,

started waking up every day wanting to wishing i was dead,

became suicidal and severely depressed for the first time in my life,

started to plan ways to die:

1) jump off a tall building after work, downloaded list of tallest buildings in my area…

2) rent […]

Sometimes, building a life out a lies, held together by the times you’ve fooled everyone else into believing them, and becoming trapped by the very lies you’ve used to protect yourself is just too easy.

To keep myself going, to keep making the people important to me happy, I’ve lied. I lied about how I feel, what I’m doing, what I want to do with my life.

I say I feel fine, that I’m okay.
Lie.
I’m alone at my house, crying, too depressed to think clearly and too heartbroken to keep trying.

I say I’m doing nothing, or just chilling.
Lie.
I’m either cutting my wrists and […]

what deed did i breath?
For what i am to beileve.
I did nothing wrong
but it seems i cant stay strong.
Its been to long
but life is to short.
Can i abort
from what my fate has erupted.
But will it be rude to interrupt
what is play to be disrupt.
I am walking on thin glass
but i will show no class.
I feel like an escapee
that needed to be free.
From Jail
to bail.
I drag my nails
against the rusty rail.
I feel the blood
becoming more like a flood.
As i am empty out
all my doubt.

I am hopeless. What ever I start I fail. In every community (school, university, work) i join i am rejected by peers within a week.

I am not clever, I am not handsome. My family life ceased last week. I had 3 unsuccessful attempts to finish all these up. But as you can guess I have failed.I don’t know why I am here. I am F****** coward, with no means and aspirations.

And I don’t know why i am writing here.

Anyway…