I know im going to attempt suicide soon, its becoming an urge to even more and more now. Everyone has their own breaking points and weaknesses and i think im about to reach that breaking point and do it. Can anyone on here give me ideas, on how i can? Ways i could. And describe it for me. It would help me alot. Or if you wish to email it to me: mariaaranda2010@yahoo.com or contact me on facebook? facebook.com/mariableedsrainbows

i remember the ‘bad time’
Right after Jake’s body was found I got into mutilation. Not just cutting, oh no. I’d do extreme things. Partial self suffocation, drowning, I hung myself a few times, knowing the belt would break. I really like electric shocks, it was an addiction… I loved unraveling light wires and stickin them in my has, flipping the switch…
Fire was another thing… I have burn scar everywhere… They remind me of what I am..
My scars are pretty…
And I love the made up stories that o with them
The cat did it
I tripped
Accident
Oops
Maybe I’m insane…

that feeling is there again. The one that comes before I black out and wake up an hour later covered in blood. I’m afraid of me…

Today was a good day and I kept on going by baking chocolate cookies and getting a sugar high… I feel good…

I Uh… This is hard. Opening up was never my strong suit… My name shall remain anonymous, as will my age, thigh I’m young. Too young for all of this some might say. But suicide and I have a long bloody history. I’m going to be completely honest here, as I never have before. I suppose it all started with a need to fit in…
In school, in life. People judge, and it’s hard. I live in a rural area… And I quickly became known as different, which after gradeschool became ’emo’ I remember the first time I cut… Before any of this… I […]

Don’t you dare say I’m not useless or pathetic because I just listened to my mom go on and on about how I never work hard enough or try to succeed. I did my fucking best in that competition today. Studied for months. Practiced. Worked for it. I thought I could prove to at least me that if I tried I could do SOMTHING with myself. But of course I lost. I couldn’t even place 6th. My whole school fuckibg lost the competition. But all I can think of now is my mom telling me that I’ll go no where if I continue like this.

I […]

I write because it is like the sound of my own voice, on a piece of paper. It allows me to free myself without everybody knowing what I am actually going through. Not everybody has to know that getting up in the morning is a pain, a pain of knowing that this is just another day that I have to get up and do the same thing that I did yesterday, the day before that, and 5 months ago. Nothing changes really, I do the same things and don’t get me wrong I have atleast gotten used to it now, but I wish I hadn’t, […]

I went to hang myself the other day…failed. got unconscious, rope snapped, fell on floor and woke up. Went to see psych…now i’m on watch. Still want to go..cant cope with anything anymore just so fucking fed up with life and eveything that ive left for so long that I cant face. I love my family but everything is just too much now. I dont know what the hell to do…….seriously stuck. Nothing can make things better now, nothing. My fam now know I am suicidal which makes things even worse cause my relationship with them is suffering. I just cant cope anymore, I […]

I don’t know why I am posting this is getting way to hard on me. I have been with my bipolar fiancé for 9 years now and her mental
Health just keeps getting worse and she’s taking me with her. She has stoped helping herself and there is nothing I can do to help her. She is verbally abusive on me. I know because I am a man words aren’t supposed to bother me but after everyday of this for years it would affect the biggest alpha male meathead.Here is an example of what is said to me, I’m a loser, a walking embarrassment, my […]

There will be no scrapbook
Of the things I’ve done
My accomplishments
For I’ve done nothing in their eyes
I’ve done nothing
But become an embodiment
Of failure and disappointment.
I deserve no plaque from them
I can only make my own
Because I’ve done nothing
In their eyes
I am nothing.

Forced to entertain my brain

Forced to drink poison

Forced to eat junk

live fast, die young

This pain has broken me

…left me seeking extasy

nothing is clean in this head anymore

every day, surfing the border of the abyss

always running from this gutting depression

Seen those waves crushing towns?

Yea, why not bring one of those to my door?

Mom, please flush it all away

I’m not a robot I can’t function

So let’s drink my friend

I want to dance with you

And waste away…

Until there is no going back

~And we can finally say goodbye~

I can’t do this. I think I might do it sooner than I thought. I just don’t have the strength to carry on… I can’t.

This is the most I’ve ever wanted it; And, it’s comforting. like a light at the end of the tunnel. Go towards the light…hah.

I was a 1 year survivor. Now I’m relapsing. I’m not gonna make it out of this. I’m sorry Kristen

Now, I know better then to think that my situation makes anyone elses hurt less but I do feel that my suffering is so uniquely drastic that you deserve to view what real problems can be had by any one of us…While I do have several mental deficiency’s (social retardation,Depression,PTSD, Social anxiety) but I have a grab bag of medical catastrophe’s. I got insulin dependent diabetes at the age of 15 (weighing 100 lbs with NO family history). I spent the time from there until 28 dealing with constant thoughts of suicide. At the age of 28 I started to lose my eyesight. I found […]

I am a clown.  I am only here for others to laugh at.  I am fat. Like the clown I enjoy my face to be hidden so its ugliness does not have to be seen.  The clown is never thought of as romantic or loving, but sad and pathetic.  No one cares.  I am replaceable.  I am everybody’s freak.  If I am not a clumsy, pathetic, piece of self loathing scum then people care even less.

I didn’t cut myself for uhm, about two months. Today I relapsed badly. I also relapsed on purging, something I haven’t done for a long time… I hate myself so much. I’m such a failure. I’m so fat and ugly and a freak. I’m done debating killing myself. I’m going to do it. I’m done living this life. I can’t do it anymore. I have tried for so long to get better, but nothing works. I’m done.

im tired, im lonely, im too afraid too be happy because if i dare to let myself slip into joy the world will get back at me and crush the lifeless, cold, black hole that used to be any hope i had so desperatly scraped up… and since i have nothing left to live for what could EVER possibly be the point in living!? im so tired of smiling at people i hate, trying to be kind,then hey flip me of, call me names,think im a freak,im acting like nothings wrong when im already past dyeing inside! and have moved on to rotting ALIVE! my […]

the poison of blood
oh my wonderful drug
of poisonous blood
of pain

as i take the knife
all my tools are here

digging in deeper
clawing at the skin

i take a shaking hand
scarred , bruised and dripping crimson

i smile weakly at the long,sharp,claws

and dip them into my throat
as i try to rip out my life

any decency i once had…
shattered,faded,destroyed

its the poison of blood..
as it drips down my neck

i swirl my fingers around, dyeing them in scarlet

i lick the blood and tears

i want more

i want more…

i want it to be over

and too be never ending pools of poison

as i grab the […]

Hope is my word. It is something that i HOPE will continue to remain with me or i am not sure of what the consequences.  Two and a half years ago, i was put in a mental health hospital to get back on medication.  It was during my stay at that hospital that one of my worst nightmares occurred.  I was assaulted sexually by another patient.  There are a lot of details that i won’t get into but long story short, the prosecutor let this man out of jail.  She advised me that as this assault occurred in a mental health facility that 80% of […]

The distractions
oh the distractions
but they only distract
for so long

every talk has
its final goodbye
every dream
sees the dawn
every book has
its “the end”
every song
its last verse
every bottle of liquor
its very last drop
and every joint
its final puff

and once the distractions
can distract no more
something else
must invade my mind
so the misery creeps in
makes itself at home
burrows away into my heart
and takes hold of my soul

and when all the distractions
diversions, hobbies and pastimes
can no more deflect my attention
I’m left longing
for the only salvation