Where have I been ? It’s been a while been  .. lost .. confused .. depressed.. overwhelmed.. I’m just not okay ..

haven’t been on this website for a quite sometime I’ve  been writing my thoughts my feelings on a notebook.. on a few pieces of paper where someone will eventually read .. when I’m gone .. and then you’ll all know how much I was suffering inside living in this sad miserable life .. I’m not better .. & I keep repeating myself that over & over wishing for things to just end .. most of us hate ourselves our lives we don’t want this […]

Living really takes it out of me. Just breathing, surviving another day. It requires so much effort.

Being alive is honestly the last thing that I want. I absolutely hate myself. I hate this world too. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, and I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t have any talents and I am not attending school at the moment because I don’t have the energy (to deal with people’s shit and I don’t see the point in doing work because I am unable to take that work further due to my lack of skill and talent). I practise the […]

Fear. Sadness. Numb. Disconnected. Alone. Lost. Empty. These are the feeling I go through on a daily bases. Feeling physically/emotionally disconnected from the world makes me feel lost and alone. My hallucinations, paranoia, and impostor disorder keeps me in constant fear. I always feel like I’m being followed. I occasionally wonder if my loved ones are really themselves. My hallucinations attack me. Sometimes almost bringing me to tears. I relive my memories everyday. My mother hitting me. I remember hiding all the wooden spoons. I remember her bloody hand. I remember running through the wood while she was on the phone with the cops about […]

I was happy all week, my ex best friend and i are working on things and talking more and may hang out halloween night.

Then today. i dont know i just feel like im falling again. further down. like my mind is tricking me into thinking im doing better, but one day im not and sad and wanting to die again..

I feel like I’ve lived out my time of life. I find the world around me increasingly unfamiliar. It’s only natural, I suppose. The law of life – the old making way for the new. And I’m fine with that. But it’s happening all too suddenly for me. Too fast to grasp my new place among things. It’s like change accelerated manifold.

But it’s a universal phenomenon. Look at evolution; took us millions of years to get here and now they’re talking of bionic man coming this very century. Take climate change; for ages temperatures varied just a few degrees and now we’re looking at being […]

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I think I’m falling apart. No matter how hard I try to hold it together, I can feel it slipping. Little by little. I go through these stages when this sort of thing happens. Frustration. Bouts of energy to try and make things right. Sadness. Emptiness. Disinterest. A feeling of being lost. Like I’m a husk walking. I start pacing everywhere. I can’t seem to sit still. Nothing really holds my attention. Focusing on one thing is difficult. Things I use to enjoy start to seem unappealing. I’ve been thinking about a lot of […]

I want to die again.

I always get like this when I lose all of my reasons to live.

I  already know that I shouldn’t need reasons to live.

But I’m not perfect. As of now, reasons are my oxygen. I’m probably find another reason, be fine for a while, and return later with this same post. Stuck on repeat

How do you keep living when you have no hope of getting better, I don’t even know if I want to get better anymore. I hate this world that humans have created, I find it impossible to exist without feeling guilty for being part of the problem, but if I kill myself I’ll feel guilty for hurting loved ones. I’ve had major depression for just over a third of my life there doesn’t seem to be any treatment that works, so how do you carry on?

I don’t know what to do. In one sense, I should kill myself. I’m a terrible person. I’ve done awful things in the past, and part of me wants to do worse. And recognising objectively that I’m a bad person doesn’t motivate me to be much better in future. My conscience fades in and out, like a radio station – some times there’s just no signal, and I want to do the worst things imaginable (though fortunately I have little ability to). People like me shouldn’t exist. I don’t want to exist as this person, during times when my conscience is stronger. It feels wrong […]

When you’ve been doing so good lately, and it seems like things are finally looking up for you after so long… And you’re happy, Not faking it like you usually do…
Literally H A P P Y

Then one day…
That ONE FUCKING DAY, that everything just comes crashing back down and you find yourself right back where you started…
And the only thought you’re left is

DOES TIME REALLY HEAL ALL WOUNDS?

i can’t even start writing. I can think of everything that had twisted me into this way, since i was a child, but nothing will happen even if i say the words out. I’ve been seeking attention, not help, i want other people to feel that i am in this terrible state, but i don’t want help, i don’t deserve help, the only way to pay back is to be in more pain, more and more.

i don’t know when i started making these self deprecating jokes, lowering myself to a state just to make myself feel comfortable. but in other people’s eyes, from all these […]

What does one do when they hate life but isnt currently suicidal?

It was weird seeing things I wrote 4 years ago. In so many ways, I have come a long way. In so many ways, I have stayed the same.

So I was V.C.333 when I was here before. I have no idea what that name means, or where I got it from. I just went back to the time I was around here before and found the posts.

Things are not as bleak and hopeless as they seemed then. I was on a lot of medication then for fibromyalgia and neuropathy. I went to a new doctor, and she said that before she would see me, I […]

I mean, what is there to expect anymore? What is there to hope about? Love, family and friendship have died long ago. Money also I don’t have.

Life is a balance between relationships and money, right? You see very wealthy people and they claim they are lonely, mature successful people who are unmarried and childless, etc, the people who say that money can’t buy happiness. Yes you don’t have happiness, but you have money.

And on the other hand you see a homeless person, or a generally poor person, with 5 kids or whatever, with family warmth. Sure they do struggle to pay the bills but […]

And so here I sit, alone, on my bed, in nothing but a towel. All of my lithium pills counted and laying out in front of me. Unsure whether I should end it all tonight, or just hang in there a little bit longer

This two excuses together will save you from anything in the eyes of society.

To not judge self, to not judge others, to not judge thoughts, to not question morality, to not ponder about expectations, to never make assumptions about the unknown, to estimate carfully (for it is necessary in several circumstances), to not limit my mind to my knowledge or mindset. Every thought I have is born from observations about this world. And I wish to not be restrained by it anymore.

Things are going okay, yet I’m still not okay…. Sleeping 12 hours per day now, not really doing much, barely eating…. I should find a life. I’ve done some hobby things but those are of course mediocre at best.

isn’t it funny how mental health works. all of sudden you’re fine and then all of sudden you’re not. its funny how what works for some people wont necessarily work for you. its funny how i somehow am stuck in that pit of emptiness and no matter what people try and tell me or try to help me nothing works. ive been on almost every mood stabilizer there is. ive tired anti depressants, ive tried CBT, ive tried DBT. ive tried it all.

yet im still empty

ive lost the motivation to care about myself. ive tred to get better for long yet here i […]