Every opportunity I had I wasted, every decision I made was the wrong one. Every time I ask myself how I wound up where I am, the answer is always the same: Step by step. It was my own choices that brought me here, and my next choices, whatever they are, will get me out of here. That’s the killer… what I do next is decisive. I either choose not to wait, and abandon hope, or choose to wait, and maintain it. Then I ask… why? Why suffer? Just so I can make money that goes out as quickly as it comes in? To pay […]
Hello. Haven’t posted in a while. Testing week was hell. Tired. Ended testing week off with an important interview. Felt like a fraud. I dressed up as something I wasn’t. Smiled. Used hand gestures. I was articulate. They seemed very pleased. The final question was why I thought I deserved the position. I wanted to scream out I didn’t deserve it. That I was a fraud. That I was a liar. That I was a horrible person. I sat there for 30 seconds. I finally came up with some bullshit answer. They said I got it. Went up to shake their hand. I felt a […]
Today was really hard. Couldn’t study for my final because all I kept thinking of were ways to get away with dying.
I failed my final. Possibly didn’t pass that class. Money spent for nothing. Parents are going to give me shit of course. I won’t ever finish college.
I lost a family member today. Talked someone out of not killing herself over a guy. Isn’t that weird how we can tell people it’s going to be okay and how suicide isn’t the answer?
When I’m cutting, I feel so in control of how deep I can go. I want to just hit a vein and be like […]
I’m finally letting go. Life just keeps on getting worse. Nothing good ever happens anymore. I always have to put up a façade that I’m happy and hope that people don’t see what is really going on. I know if I act unhappy, people will ask and I know I will never be able to give a good enough answer without everyone being suspicious. I know I have to ‘catch the bus’ soon. I always wonder if there is an afterlife or if we just turn into ghosts and just lurk around, basically stalking people just we aren’t really there. I know I’m going to […]
“You’ll promise me you wont kill yourself, right? You promise me? Not anytime soon, right?”
*Laughter*
It was the awkward kind of laughter; the funny one for the wrong reasons. The laughter of embarrassment, but all you can manage to muster out is a laugh. And smile. Not the cruel kind of laughter; where you’re teasing the person- getting them concerned.
That’s what I said to the psychologist today.
Or, whatever she was. Of course I promised her.
I have to give her credit, she figured out the date all by herself. She’s pretty smart.
Here’s my advice to you: If the psychologist’s trynna get some answers out of you that […]
I’ve already stated how I’m waiting for summer to do anything and I’m not really sure how many, if any, people have been keeping up with my posts but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. When I first became depressed I found that I could escape my feelings by playing video games and it’s been effective until recently. A game comes out in a couple days that should keep distracted a little while longer but when I inevitably lose interest in it I don’t know what I’m going to do, I’m already on the verge of giving up and doing something […]
Hello everyone,
I’m back here again. I think I know the answer to the question “Is life better than the alternative?”. Its not. I mean how can it be? As I sit here is my dark room, I can see that I’m not alone. I have a companion who likes to sit in the dark just like me. Usually he just sits by himself in the corner. But today his gaze is upon me. He is beckoning me. “Its time” he whispers. “Come to me. I will take you to a better place”. I don’t think I can resist him anymore. Its weird, I can almost […]
The Gritty Truth Of Reality:
An Essay by A.O.
Why am I here? Why do I exist? Questions asked by most people. The answers range from a spiritual, God put you here..), to the scientific explanation of evolution of organisms. The obvious truth. The only sure answer. You are here because your parents fucked. Whether intentional or not, planned or not, your fathers sperm fertilized your mothers egg. Now you exist.
But, where did we come from? Like people in general? Where does it begin? This is a follow up, to the previous question. Now every religion and scientists have a lengthy answer that leaves so many […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
“Are you OK?”
I get asked it often, nowadays:
During lunch, sitting alone in an empty hallway, my face in my hands. Well, what is the answer?
I’ve come to realize that though I strongly DISLIKE getting asked the question, I know that the people who take their time to inquire about my feelings/ well-being are the nicest, kindest people- even if they genuinely don’t care, they still ask. And their asking helps me remember where I am and to keep […]
Now that I have your attention,
You are probably thinking that this post will be about how to actually kill yourself. Well it is and it isn’t.
I had one of those god knows how to spell the bloody word apifiny, nope doesn’t look right. Anyway one of those light bulb moments.
Flash of genius, whatever you wanna call it.
I realised the only true, successful, way to kill yourself without really physically killing yourself is to just get in there and slaughter the hell out of your thoughts, feelings, actions, demons, and the list goes on.
Throw a bomb in there and explode them all in to a million pieces.
Steralize […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
In my dental assisting class my teacher is the worst person I have met .
When I get a answer wrong she tells me to hang my self . I have gotten so angry and have gotten a attitude with her . She’s dropped my grade so much .
What she says to me is so unprofessional . I want to be like you know my mom killed her self with a bottle of pills ? And do you know I’m suicidal ?
Allvthe girls in the class are mean to me too. They say things like how I look like a heroin addict .
That class just pisses […]
what animal would it be, and why?
Personally, I love all animals, so my answer changes everyday. But today I’m kinda in love with leopard seals.
“Perfume was first created to mask the stench of foul and offensive odors…
Spices and bold flavorings were created to mask the taste of putrid and rotting meat…
What then was music created for?
Was it to drown out the voices of others, or the voices within ourselves?
About to commit. That point of no return, where you send out the letters and emails. A Skype video message for my wife. Then its 24 hours to complete the deed. Should only take a few. What a sad way to end. To answer so much pain, by causing pain, to avoid pain. Not at all how I saw things going. Such a shame.
What do you call a person who doesn’t care whether there is a god or not ? Like I don’t even ask this question to myself anymore because the answer wouldn’t influence our existence.
Nothing is impossible but we are still too primitive to understand the concept of a god.
can we call it “Idontcareismus” ?
If someone asked me why I want to kill myself, why I want to be dead, what would I say? I don’t have a real reason anymore. I know I can fix things in my life to get better. I have someone helping me figure out my future. I have goals in my life. I want to start a family. I want to write a book. I want to be a teacher. But I also want to kill myself. I don’t know the reason anymore for it. There are small issues in my life, but I’m trying to fix them. I am. I’m trying so […]
I grown into a young man, full of youth, enjoyment and had such a persona that I had the ability of standing out among a bunch of people, yes i was eccentric.
During my time of studies something happened to me that would last its mark to the rest of my life. I spent months in fear, months; in asking the question that why it happened to me the way i did, but there was no answer. My brain activated a survival response and i fell in love with fear, itself.
She was in my class. She was as fine and lovable as an Angel, i wanted […]
the date has passed
The date I set to die
Reallized I wasn’t ready
Hadn’t gotten my things in order
My room wasn’t cleaned
My suicide notes not perfected
And now I’m sitting here
Wondering if I should do it at all
Should I really give up on life?
Only I can answer that
I don’t want to continue on like this
And I’m too afraid to change
Scared I’ll end up back here like every other time
Scared that they’re right
I can’t do it
I’m too scared to make a move either way
Too scared to change
To scared to end it
I’m lost
I don’t know what to do
I keep waiting for an answer to present itself
But I know the answer […]
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