Those of you who saw my “Sushi-In-A-Desert” picture may have noticed this in the comments:
At some point on Sunday evening, I realized I couldn’t resist.
Samurai eating pizza in a bowling alley with an ancient Greek priestess.
Well, very average at best. I long ago accepted my ugliness and depression but just recently after many years they’ve started to bother me again, making me more suicidal. Why? I already came to terms with it. Seems life just wants me to carry on suffering and beating myself up about it. Looks are everything to people nowadays and everyone knows it. They are the passport to a much easier life and happiness.
I have noticed many many posts from college students (high school as well). Graduation pending upon final papers, examinations… HOW HAVE YOU SURVIVED? What has gotten you this far? Where do you see yourself going, in a perfect world(omit suicide, not an option)? What are your dreams, hopes and aspirations?
As for me I am an adult learner, 32 about to graduate with a B.S. in psychology-God willing I pass this last class. I have survived. I have gotten this far. I can’t recall how or what. But where I see myself going in a perfect world is to normalcy. The boring humdrum life of the average person, that’s what I want in a perfect world. My dreams/hopes are to make a difference. I aspire to be the best me that I can be. And NO ONE can tell me what that is, only I can say for me.
“Generalized brain atrophy.”
It isn’t reversible. As you can read from that link, there is no cure, and no way to restore the lost brain cells.
Sometimes it can worsen into Alzheimer’s Disease, which is what my grandmother died of.
It was a hell of a horrible way to die.
Before it was all over, she spent years knowing NOTHING, and not recognizing anyone, not even her own children or grandchildren. The police found her walking down the highway in the middle of the night, carrying a towel and a bowl of potato salad. She couldn’t remember anything from one minute to the next. She could hardly even speak, and when she did, nothing made sense.
It was worse than death.
Worse. Than. Death.
Early-onset of Alzheimers can occur as young as age 15.
Also other lesser crud (meh) from the MRI:
“Pituitary Gland slightly smaller than average.”
“Subtle T2 signal is seen in the white matter marginating frontal horns and bodies of lateral ventricles.”
“Mild to moderate deviation of the mid-nasal septum.”
BUT, oddly enough….
Whatever tumor was there two years ago isn’t there any more.
It’s gone now.
Instead of that, the brain cells are atrophying.
Over the course of the next few months (starting Friday), I have appointments with ophthalmologists, neurologists, and endocrinologists.
Usually when I drive, I can see two of everything. What scared me when I drove home Thursday was that I was starting to see three or four of some things. Still having the memory blankouts, difficulty thinking of words when I speak, and more headaches than usual.
Cerebral Atrophy involves the progressive loss of brain cells over time.
If it happens slowly, maybe I can pass it off as age-related eccentricity.
If it happens more quickly, I’ll be that person you see in the supermarket parking lot dressed in fingerpainted aluminum foil, talking to the color blue while I sit on the curb and do interpretive dance in front of an empty french-fry container.
I’d like to post here more frequently. I’ve definitely thought about suicide more than the average human, I’m not proud of it, I just have. There are a lot of reasons i haven’t but chief among them is that I feel like I’m owed a life! By whom? God. Who? I’ve managed to convince myself at least that I owe it to myself to find out.
I’ve already stated how I’m waiting for summer to do anything and I’m not really sure how many, if any, people have been keeping up with my posts but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. When I first became depressed I found that I could escape my feelings by playing video games and it’s been effective until recently. A game comes out in a couple days that should keep distracted a little while longer but when I inevitably lose interest in it I don’t know what I’m going to do, I’m already on the verge of giving up and doing something out of desperation that might not even kill me and cause terrible pain. It’s just, what are you supposed to do when you there’s nothing that motivates you any more? When your favourite thing to do no longer entertains you? Those are rhetorical I could probably predict every answer anyways. I can’t keep laying in my bed for 18 hours everyday but I literally don’t have any other option and I’m sure some of you will say that I actually probably do but that’s only because I can’t accurately describe my situation and you are not in my shoes. Almost everyday I dedicate about 6 hours of my day to finding a away out of my situation and even with my (I don’t like saying this because it’s condescending and I hate myself for it every time) above average intelligence I haven’t found one. Also to anyone that actually has kept up with my posts I would like to thank you for dealing with me and my unreasonably long and ranty posts, so thanks, and sorry too.
So I have this dream on average 5 times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I don’t know if it is a message of some kind or just a dream.
At the beginning of the dream I am six years old. That is how old I was after my dad took his life. I walk into a dark room. I stop and am standing there. All of a sudden a hand grabs my hand. I look up and it is my dad. No words are spoken.
We walk forward until we come to a chair that has a light hanging over it. The only light in the room is lighting up the chair, nothing else. My dad let’s go of my hand and walks over to the chair. He sits down, grabs his pistol, puts it in his mouth and pulls the trigger. I scream. All of a sudden a hand touches my shoulder and it is my dad. But he is in the chair and shot himself.
He points to the chair. I slowly walk over to the chair. I look at the face and it is me. My dad starts laughing and says, I told you if you told anyone you would die. I always wake up at that point.
The staircase may ascend,
Or descend, it’s determined,
By where you begin.
This road of life may seem,
Long and narrow for some,
Or short and broad to others,
It depends on where you stand.
A path of stepping stones,
Has been laid to create an average, but you may have short legs, or a longer gate then those,
It was designed for.
Everything is prepared, in about 20-30 minutes I will go into my bathroom, sit in the tub, zone out to some good music, and fall asleep. I’ve wanted to do this for so long. I wish I could say proper goodbyes to a few people before I go but that would tip them off to what I am about to do.
I wish things could have worked out differently for me but I guess an average life was too much to ask for. Oh well.
Everyday I wake up trying to predict my day as being good/average, yet it always turns out to be bad through complete isolation, random stressers appearing out of nowhere, and deception from practically everyone I meet in society. Why are there so many Hippocratic values being expressed by such inconspicuous people, for when I attempt to befriend somebody natural instinct and hormones take over their mind and they become hostile towards me when all I want to do is make a friend. All of my old friends have betrayed or disappeared on me when I need them the most, which is during this unpredictable time. My house is sometimes full of people I know nothing about and have no desire to speak to because of their values being so radicalized and primitive compared to those of my own. I don’t like to drink or smoke because my health won’t allow it, and these seem to be key elements to socializing with people nowadays . Its so hard to find a friend that, throughout my entire life I have yet to find a friend that will stay. I feel so betrayed and ostracized by society that it creates a feeling of despair that drains me everyday. I have little fight left for it refuses to cease, and continuously I am placed in undesirable situations by family through financial and social burdens. I don’t even know if i’ll ever get out my mother’s house even though I am only 19 because of non-liveable wages and stress causing me to forget priorities during my day(s) off. As Emile Durkheim suggests in sociology when one’s life becomes unpredictable he/she considers suicide and having attempted it many times before in various ways I find this interesting yet sad, for I feel as though I am sumo wrestling on top of a wobbly frisbee in air. I just don’t know where I will fall, nor when I will, but time is flying by quickly…
Distractify DOT com –
As of 2014, the life expectancy in America is 78.6 years. Divide that up, and this is how the average person spends their lifetime.
1 . You spend 25 years sleeping.
2 . You work for 10.3 years.
The average American works 40 hours a week from ages 20-65.
3 . You spend 48 days having sex.
A recent survey found that during the average sex session, foreplay lasts 7 minutes and intercourse 12 minutes.
4 . Women spend 17 years of their lives trying to lose weight.
This means being on one form of diet or another.
5 . You watch TV for 9.1 years.
Watching TV accounts for half of all leisure time, about 2.8 hours per day.
6 . You spend 2 years watching commercials.
7 . You spend 1.1 years cleaning.
Women have historically spent twice as much time as men, though the statistic is shifting.
8 . You spend 2.5 years cooking.
9 . You spend 3.66 years eating, about 67 minutes a day.
The total amount of food you consume in a lifetime is close to 35 tons.
10 . You drive a car for 4.3 years.
In that time, you’ll cover enough distance to go to the moon and back 3 times.
11 . You spend 3 months of your life in traffic, about 38 hours a year.
12 . You spend 1.5 years in the bathroom.
The average person goes 6 times a day.
13 . You spend a total of 92 days on the toilet.
Men spend 4 more minutes on the toilet than women daily.
14 . You spend 70% of our waking life in front of digital media.
15 . You laugh out loud 290,000 times in your life.
About 10 times per day.
16 . You walk a total of 110,000 miles.
That’s equivalent to 4 times around the world.
17 . You spend 90% of your time indoors.
That’s 71 of your 78.6 years.
18 . You consume .1 teaspoons of alcohol per day.
That’s 1,442 gallons in a lifetime.
19 . You have between 4 and 6 dreams a night for a total of 2,000 a year.
We forget 80% of them.
20 . You fart 402,000 times in your lifetime.
That’s about 14 times per day.
21 . You spend 14 days of your life kissing.
Most people wish it were more.
22 . You drink 12,000 cups of coffee.
That’s about 1.6 cups per day.
23 . If you’re more into tea, you drink 48 pounds in your lifetime.
That’s .75 pounds a year.
24 . Women spend nearly 1 year deciding what to wear.
25 . The average man will spend 1 year staring at women.
26 . Women spend 8 years of their life shopping.
That’s over 1 hour every single day.
27 . Women spend 1.5 years doing their hair.
That’s 14,000 hours brushing, washing, blow-drying, straightening, curling and cutting.
28 . An office worker spends 5 years sitting at a desk.
29 . The average employee spends 2 years sitting in work meetings.
30 . The average person swears 2,000,000 times.
That’s 80-90 times a day.
It’s pretty late where I’m located right now. Normal people are sleeping. I should be as well, although I can’t seem to do that at this time. I need to get up for work in about three hours, and if I don’t do that, this day is going to be long, no doubt.
Do you ever feel like the silence is the loudest thing around? I’ve moved to a new area, and hardly know anyone. Sometimes I wish there were someone out there, maybe like a radio Dj, that one could listen to at these odd hours of the evening, and just let everyone know that he / she is out there. My world is lonely I guess, and I hate this feeling. Even with those around that loved me, back where I used to live, I never have really felt at home.
What am I trying to say here? I’m not really sure. I consider myself an average writer, although the above seems so scrambled and disorganized.
Why am I posting this again?
I’m a below average statured man, yet i htink my looks may be not that bad. at a certain point in my life i began that noticing sometimes in public setting women would notice me.
Like this morning i went for lunch with my parents at a fine restaurent when then this gorgeous girl walked in with (i think) her Grandparents and they sat in a table next to us and it happened she noticed me.
Maby its the reason i’m feeling so bad today knowing that i’m a socially awkward fuck, that i dont have the guts and even if i had no woman whats to put up with a short man that most liklely would turn out to be an emotional burden on her.
Fuck my life
Presuming, as I do, that my hopes for conventional happiness are completely fucked…….what now?
Suppose I’d live an average western lifespan – another 50 years or so. 2065. By then the world should be well on it’s way to collapse. Drought, famine, fire, flood, war, all that fun stuff. Seemingly our little pockets of prosperity will be last to fall. My corner of the world may hold out longest, sinking the boats of refugees fleeing continental chaos, while we continue to extract foreign resources at gunpoint. So this bubble of decadence may well outlive me.
But I doubt it’ll be the same country then. We’re already slashing our welfare safety net to the bone. Homelessness and food poverty are on the rise. With no job security, advanced qualifications, or assetts, I can’t see someone as screwed up as me surviving to old age.
But if I did find a way to make it through, what would I want to do with all that time? If what seems most vital and important is off the table, what’s a good use of a life?
There’s still the possibility of superficial relationships. I might find some way to overcome my crippling anxiety long enough to enjoy a degree of intimacy, however surface-level.
There’s still the beauty of the natural world, though that’s being degraded by the day.
There’s still music, that briefly transports you to another place. And the escapism of books, films, and other media. The faint sense of connection to humanity that all of these things bring.
There’s the rush of exercise – the feeling of freedom found running with the wind in the wild.
There’s still good to be done – though I can’t save our world (or myself), there’s still the possibility of trying to reduce the suffering of others.
But how to stop myself being consumed by what cannot be, which seems so essential, and instead focus on what is still possible for me.
Or I could turn my back on it all, and leap into the nothingness, to end that state of frustrated longing, and the emptiness that follows.
I’m signing up for this leadership thing for school. I know, I know, doesn’t sound like the average fucked-up, depressed, anxious, and compulsive person, but maybe it’s a step in the right direction? Thing is, I’m competing with a ton of other people in my school for this, so we’re writing an essay to see who wins the sponsorship from a local charity. It’s a camp, and I’m just guessing it’s way outside the money my dad and I have, so this is my only chance. What I mean to do is ask if anybody can help me with maybe the direction I want to go? It’s supposed to be about what leadership and all that other cheesy shit means to me. If anybody can help, and isn’t against me posting such stupid shit on a site about suicide, thank you.
I feel as if death dictates our life in an indirect way. An example of this would being doing all of the things on a bucket list in fear of dying without accomplishing anything. Life is very fragile and temporary and we associate many things with importance since we know life would be meaningless otherwise. Science has never touched the realm of death and currently has no theory of what “life” is like after death. The only thing science can offer is the internal and external definition of death. I don’t believe in any particular afterlife so when someone close to me dies I know that’s it, I’ll never see that person ever again, this belief I have makes my grieving process 10 times more difficult than an average person with a faith. Part of me hopes that I’ll die before my friends, parents, grandparents, etc, since I know I will not be able to cope with anymore loss. Whenever I read up on historical events before I was alive I often wonder where I was when all this was happening. How did billions of years go by without the possibility of me noticing it? Humans believe that they are important to the world but really they are here on earth for a small blink of time. After the hour glass has run out of sand we disappear into the black abyss of nothingness.(I’m sorry my thoughts are all over the place)
Do you ever feel so painfully average? Like everything about you is so boring that you get to the point of feeling nonexistent? I know that a lot of people on this website and around the world for that matter, hate themselves for being too different, but I can’t help but hate myself for being too regular. As a students perspective this is/was especially difficult growing up. With the new found trend of “Be different, Be you” I always had trouble with that. I was never the kid with the strange birthplace, I was never the kid with 10+ siblings. I’m aware this is all really selfish, and that it must be extremely difficult, but in the end, whether you can admit it or not we all want our little 15 seconds of fame. I was never the cool edgy kid with the sketch pad, and I was most definitely not that idiot who flaunted their depression like a badge. However, on the flip side of things I got to be the kid who was average weight, average height, brown hair, blue eyes, no talents, blended into the background. And I can’t help but think of those people who would say that they always wanted to be that way, a tailored, cookie cutter person. Then I would feel selfish and terrible, and wonder who truly had it worse, someone who was unhappy with their quirks and got what the human soul craves, attention and pity, or someone who craves a quirk, a difference and can’t stand to be the boring one any longer.
We all hear the amazing and inspiring success stories of the person who was different and had a rough childhood, but it was all worth it, because now they have everything they ever wanted. It always got me thinking, if I’m not different do I get to be successful? Have I had it too easy? I’m not a bad person…is it fair that my entire life is based off of my predetermined cosmic/religious general settings? That God was lazy and let everything hang at 50%? I just feel confused, do I have to shut up and be quiet because I never went through anything difficult? Is this difficult? Apparently, now because I don’t have curves I’m not a woman? If I am straight and white, now by default I’m judgmental and homophobic? Do I now have to be different to be normal?
Is it ok to be a cookie cutter person? Or am I required to color outside the lines?
insomnia has 4 syllables, 4 vowels, 4 consonants…it’s 4 in the morning. I take enough sleeping pills to down a bus full of toddlers, I’ve taken 37 tonight….this is beginning to be an average number…not in a desparate attempt to die, but to sleeeeeeppppppp sleep sleep sleep sleeeeep…I cannot sleep. for 3 hours I tried…tv off lights off dark. silence. eyes closed, as if I laid completely still for long enough I could trick myself to sleep…..insomnia is crazy. there have been nights that I’ve just fuckin broke and wept, wept for sleep…a few days in and i’m thinking maybe I am actually asleep but I just feel like i’m awake…catatonia is the estate, sorrow the soil and so I weep, I cry but I don’t make a sound and keeping the screams in causes me to shudder, which leaves me shaking for days, and you would think I would be better for it, that after all that suffering sleep would be a triumph, but it’s still absent……..when the sun comes, I try not to hate the light
Girls don’t like me I’m average looking maybe better than average to some girls. They don’t like me. Guys don’t want to be friends with me girls don’t want to be friends with me people don’t want to hang out with me because I’m not cool enough for them. That being said I’m a nice guy I give money to people I buy ************’s coffee at Starbucks I give money to hobos I treat people with respect I’m companionate why isn’t that enough?
Hello. I’m just an average, lost young girl, who has been through some things. And I just discovered this site and I couldn’t respond to each and every one of you so I made an account just to say this – please don’t do it. Please.
I’ve been there myself and the only thing stopping me was the thought about how much it would hurt everyone. I’m serious, you may think nobody cares about you but I’m 100% positive, that there are people whose lives you’ve touched even if you don’t notice it. I lost my father to suicide. These past years I lost two of my friends. I didn’t know them well, but their decision touched me, it made me think. Think about death. It’s something you can’t just undo. I don’t know their reasons and I never will, but sometimes my mind wonders back to their lives and I am sad that they did it. I’m sad that they didn’t have any help. That they didn’t even ask.
At first I cried a lot when I found out about it. Now I get sad when I hear a similar laugh or see someone who reminds me of them. And that leads me to think about how many people are actually thinking about it without their close ones ever having a clue.
I don’t care if my little speech just makes you hesitate, maybe these few hours or days are just enough to make you change your mind. I really hope so.
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