am I supposed to keep going:
– when it feels like my drive to desire is broken (desire being the root of action) ?
– when my ego’s been getting weaker for the past 5+ years ?
– when my mind cannot generate meaningful goals etc like it used to ?
I wanted to become a psychologist when I started going to college (sept. 06) .. it was my only and meaningful goal, my door into the future
I got to experience mental abuse & other bad things in an environment I started to hate .. unfortunately, I had no other realistic option than to go to class (and enjoy the abuse)
at the same time, I was losing interest in stuff life has to offer, I found myself detaching more and more
during summer 2011, I made the decision to drop out to save the little part of sanity I had left
(I have a BA degree and I doubt I’ll ever make use of it .. that degree has more of a symbolic value: I wasn’t bullied for nothing)
now I’m at my mom’s house, unable to envision any sort of future since I have no goals, little ambition (thanks to my dying ego)
nothing I can give some importance to and internalize, no foundation to push myself back into real life
I feel like a lemon that were squeezed out of life force/juice
I’m not depressed and suicidal like I was during the colder days .. the never-leaving hellish fog has left and I’m thank-to-the-fuckin-ful for that
I’m just tired of apathy and being disconnected from people in RL, and tired of waiting for my purpose to reveal itself (if there is one)
3 comments
One of my classmates studied psychology 20 years ago. I think she might have had a similar experience to you. She says the discipline of psychology is the most stuck up, spoilt, rich, patriarchal white man discipline (she was studying at the most stuck up priveledged university though) and in the end, never used her degree, got into councilling instead. Now she’s back studying social work – I think it’s a better fit.
I can relate. I feel like I’ve been juiced. I don’t know how you can be expected to march on when other forces seem to persistantly tear you down. But I feel that I have little other choice. I don’t expect that helps much. I just wanted to say, you’re not alone.
Not sure that psychology is a discipline. A lot of people who have studied it, operate from their ego or some kind of fear never getting past their reasons for studying it in the 1st place. That’s why many people never truly help anyone else…good for your sister with finding the better fit. The awareness itself is good and if people use pure intent in helping others then this I would say is good.
@softsoul – psychology is a ‘discipline’ … in the academic sense. I am using the word ‘discipline’ here in the way that universities use it – as a field of study eg. the Discipline of Media, the discipline of anthropology, that kind of thing.
the more I study social work and psychology, the more apparent it becomes to me that psychological practices, attitudes and ways of thinking are traditionally deeply rooted in white, male, dominant culture. The psychologist relies on his position of power and authority to ‘fix’ the patient. I have always been a bigger believer in people fixing themselves. Noth that I don’t believe there are good psychologists. Merely pointing out that the field of psychology, in general, is predicated in power imbalance.