I’m sitting here on my bedroom floor, blood dripping from my fingers, trying to convince myself to just end it all. It could all be over so quick. How can that not be tempting. I’ve often thought I’d wanna go painlessly, up until recently. My life has shattered around me, the people I cared about most have up and left. I decided that I didn’t give a fuck anymore. I decided “fuck love” and “fuck right and wrong. Nothing in my life has ever been right.” I’ve been wasting myself, losing myself. I hate myself for the things I’ve done, but I don’t care enough to stop. I have no reason to. I’m not interested in the future, I just don’t see the point. I used to be religious, christian specifically, until my life collapsed multiple times and I finally stopped believing that there was some great god watching over us and protecting us. I tried to believe in a god who wouldn’t make good people suffer for no reason, a god who was too loving to inflict such pain on people… he didn’t exist. Death is inevitable in the end, and supposedly if you commit suicide you’ll go to hell, but I’m going there anyway, so does it really matter for what reason?
I lost my house today
I lost a friend
I had a smoke
and now I have a empty heart ,mind ,body &soul
I fear the feeling of nothingness and I’m now lying here with the nothingness that I’m afraid to stay awake but yet more terrified to sleep as I’m not wanting to wake . I fear the dissapointment ,the heartache, the miss leading throughts . I fear myself and well being.
I fear being me …
Basically i have been dating this guy for just over 3 months and honestly i know i like him a lot, just not love i think.
But my mum just made me dump him tonight
So i just feel empty and feel like crying, which i already have.. a lot
i dont know what to do
I’m heading on towards the future and I’m being told to start thinking about my future. The scary part is, though, I don’t see myself having one. I try to think about it, me going to college, having a job, meeting someone special. But I just can’t see it. I’m so scared because everyone around me is figuring things out, and I don’t know if I even want to live ’til the end of high school. My chest tightens up, my head starts hurting, everything gets a bit fuzzy, and my head becomes an empty void. Is this just me?
I don’t even know how to tell you guys what I feel. I feel a sense of dread, relief, jealousy, but most importantly, I fear the future. I can’t picture me in high school/college classes. I can’t see myself getting a job.
When I do think about it, like I said my entire self feels empty. I feel like a shell just going through life. I don’t even know anymore.
Fuckn shit, I run out of video games and booze and I’m just like whellp, I geuss it’s time to end my life because fuck this shit, but then I’m always like, oh yeah, you can’t, and I have a fun time feeling empty. Feelsbadman.jpg
I just want toget out of here.
this pain is cold. i want another child but i may not be able to have one. its not fair. my life is so empty.
I feel so fucking empty. ALL the time.
Man, fuck this.
When the bath’s drawn, the phone’s off, the house is empty… as it always will be… what do you do? When there’s no friend to call, no family in existence, no job to work, no place to attend, tomorrow, nor the next day, nor the day after, no car to drive, no health to live? What then? Cannot one simply slip into oblivion, forevermore? Isn’t that okay now? Finally?
I’m stalling. Why? Is there a man to stampede through the front door, thumping his chest with the almighty courage of one in love, to say, nay! Not tonight! This shall not be! Whisking me away in his arms, hair blown back as he glides us to a safe place where I am questioned, held, comforted, spoken to with unwavering interest and compassion. Telling me no one else interests him, I am his one and only. When my hope wavers, he keeps me strong. Why love, haven’t you ever considered just trying to _____ and _____ to make your life easier? Don’t you know I’ll be here for the ride no matter what? The outcome is irrelevant to me, I just need to be in your life. Yes, that’s right. I need to stay. You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried! You have a real future. Don’t let now get in the way of later. What happened to achieving _____, and ______? I know you can do it. Together, we can do anything. Love will guide us. Tomorrow I will pick you up to go get started. No, you cannot lay on the couch if you feel sick. I care about you and you are getting this shit going immediately. We will go ______ and ______ whether you like it or not, so push whatever feeble plans you’ve made aside, this is your future! God knows that you’ve helped me off my ass enough times. Now it’s my turn. As for tonight, let’s go spend hours making love, this world full of empty quickies is enough to make me pull my own fucking trigger! Then you’re sleeping at my house, and tomorrow I will take you to start your new life. Shh. No, don’t say a word. You have no choice. Let’s go. I’ve got this. We’ve got this. You don’t have to hold yourself up anymore, you brave, brave woman. I will return the favor now, and thus forth. I am your man, your knight, your dream lover, your best friend. I’ve never known what true friendship was about. I’m sorry my old ways made you feel so alone and weak.
Where once I was blind, now I can see. Suddenly all problems seem finite, not one without a solution. Hope is restored. I am not alone, and I never will be. The past is meaningless, the present just fine, the future even better. Alas!
Then I notice the stucco hasn’t moved, those four familiar walls threaten to drown me. I come back to reality, or rather, Hell. No sound but the ringing in my ears, no motion but the candlelight. Finally, my bath calls…
Mom has lost her keys again,
dad keeps seaching for his cell phone,
sis is busy in her laptop,
bro is listening to music.
And I know where the keys are,
and I know where the phone is.
And I know what she is searching
and I know what he found there.
So I know what is comming,
but don’t know whats going on.
I feel worthless, empty and alone.
I will no kill myself anytime soon but I am destroying my life… doing nothing on the sofa
I knew this would happen. The whole week I’ve been too busy, my mind too preoccupied with school work to dwell on the pain. Now, it’s the weekend and I have all the time in the world to feel the pain. I feel like the walls are caving in on me. I hate this feeling. I thought I was starting to get over it, but I’m far from being cured from this. This is who I am. An empty shell. An empty void. I’m just empty. Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. There is no need for pretense when I’m alone. There is no need to put on a mask. My happy person mask. There’s no need for it. This is who I am. This is what I am. Nothing can ever change the fact that I will always be nothing. I will always feel nothing. I will always feel empty.
10 days of not cutting. 10 days. Today will be the day I end this beautiful long thread of not making myself bleed. I cannot take the pain anymore. I need to bleed. I need the release.
Tonight is the night.
So, I ran away from home because I can’t stand my sister and mom anymore. I’m better on my own for now. I still feel empty and can’t get over my miscarriage. But along the way something changed. I met someone. A guy. He knows what has happened to me and has helped me through it even though I’m really difficult. I have feelings for him now. I’m confused and scared. But now he is not replying to me anymore. I thought he felt the same way and now I feel a little bit worse than before. Why whenever I let someone in they always leave me and I end up hurt?
I’m slowly eating my self fat again fuck my life I just come to terms with that I got a eating disorder now I’m binge eating and I can’t stop it’s just one thing after the other please kill me now I can’t take this shit no more
its that fucking void inside that fucking void always needs to be filled with something anything to fill it what a that fucking void it’s a empty space deep inside me but I don’t no what it is but I do no it dose what ever it takes to be filled u really do hate myself
So why continue? I’ve heard all the bullshit in many many years of treatment, but the truth is, it really does only get worse. At least when your brain hates you. If I’ve already lived as much as I can given the circumstances, why would I keep going only to experience pain. Those rare moments of fleeting pleasure? That’s not enough. I don’t really feel it anyways. I can play the part, act like I’m enjoying myself, but in the end, I’m empty inside, and theres nothing that can fill it. I’ve made it before, gotten exactly what I thought I needed to make me happy, only to realize that the pursuit was better then the results, and once there, I’m just as empty as I was before. All life is is distraction. Distraction from the shit we have to deal with all day. Were born alone, and we die alone, and once you’re gone, nothing you’ve done matters. Our lifespan as a species is for an finite amount of time.
I don’t even want to try anymore, I’m so tired of making progress only to have the rug pulled out from under me. I’m tired of looming homelessness over my head every day. I’m tired of my family hating me. I’m tired of never having anything to look forward too. I’m tired of losing people and places and things that were important to me. I’m just tired of living. Too weak to live, too strong to die, why would I even try.
Sorry about my disjointed ramblings, it’s been a really bad day and I just want to drop and stop. I’m going to treatment soon. Whats a few more months of my life in an institution. Ill try my best to wait until after that to make any concrete decisions, but the urge just gets stronger and I just get more and more sure as the months roll by.
Today everything just seems that little bit more pointless. Hurrah for my screwy brain. In a few hours/days I’m sure I’ll be back in a state of delusional avoidance. But right now I just feel lost and empty.
I don’t feel I can take this anymore. I feel so empty, so lost, so alone. No one understands what I am going through. And as time passes by, I convince myself more that I need to be gone, that I can’t be here anymore. I miss my baby, I miss him, I miss school, I miss my old life. I wish I wasn’t such a coward and could attempt my plan now because that’s the only thing on my mind. I feel so depressed, so unlucky, so miserable. I want it to stop, I wanna go to sleep and not wake up.
I feel alone, depressed, unloved, and empty. I can’t get over losing my baby, dropping out of school, and missing the douchebag of the father. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I’m feeling suicidal and I’m scared I’ll try tonight. I just want to talk to somebody.
I sit here with thoughts of suicide swirling around in my head.
I don’t know if there’s a purpose to my life; why was I born.
All my life I’ve wanted to be loved; no one has ever wanted me.
I feel such loneliness, so empty inside.
I wish I could cease to exist, I don’t want to live anymore.
I hate myself and wish I was dead.
Broken and empty. Only a book of memories and no life prospects. Fake smiles and a fake laugh that doesn’t even fool the deaf or blind. Through the motions of grainy and redundant. Isolation fills my heart and my life is unkind. I cease to exist not to take my own light. If depression sets in it is an option, I might.
So, I had a great last day. I swam, I surfed, I fell off my board a few times, got smashed up the last time. Pic to prove it. I laid on the beach, I just got down with a long soak in the tub. I’m changed and I am about to go down soon for a very light last meal. I know I have to have a empty stomach in which to take “N”.
My last night is beginning….I’m waiting for the sun to set and waiting for the stars to come to life. I will walk the beach one last time under the light of the moon. I’m at peace.
I have one last request…..it will be followed in another post incase for some reason it gets deleted…not sure if it’s breaking the rules or not, so I will not ask it here.
Thank you all for joining me in my last day.
I tried the other night and failed miserably.
My heart beats so fast now, everything feels numb and I’m completely zoned out.
I just lay here staring at the ceiling. I’m scared. Maybe I’ll try again.