Its been a while since I have smiled and actually meant it. It had been so long since I smiled, it hurt to smile for at least 10 seconds. Now my face hurts. It feels great to smile, but now it hurts. I’ve missed smiling, and laughing. It felt like I was actually alive for once. Why don’t I smile anymore, oh right, because there is nothing worth a smile for. But today it happened. But by tomorrow it’s back to how it was before.
The pain is still here. I can drown it out. I can muffle it. But I’m just a shell of a person wandering around. Withdrawn to where it feels more than awkward to be out and around people when it wasn’t so before. Opening back up on command isn’t as easy as shutting down anymore. Desire to end things lingers as well and always has. Thoughts of such are being provoked more often than not now. What do you do when you feel that you have more reason to leave than to stay? Given life more than a chance just existing for the past 2 […]
I hate April.
Someone please, beat me till I’m numb. Strangle me… Fucking shatter every bone in my body…
I can feel the pain. The memories flooding my head all at once. I overthink things but this is too much. My thoughts are racing. It feels like last year… Last year’s events are slowly playing out in my head…
I still remember what happened on each day of April. From the first till the 30th. I fucking hate this.
Someone please save me from myself!!!
Been reading that the problem with the suicide is that the person feels more pain than they can cope with. But I don’t feel pain anymore. I’m just tired. EXHAUSTED. Everything in my life is loss and debts and failures and panic attacks and I’m tired of this. I used to feel a lot of pain. Now I don’t. Not anymore. I just want to stop existing.
My ex and I talked last night. We basically put our friendship on standby. I think that it was a really bad idea to try to be friends so soon after breaking up. I’m glad we did, because I admit a lot of my anxiety and depression came from that. I do want to be his friend, but it’s just not the right time for him and not the right time for me. I feel as if a load has been taking off of me. But I do feel kind of sad about it. I can’t predict the future and I don’t know if our […]
sometimes i just skim through the pages to remind myself that I’m not the only one who feels this way
Searching for jobs is basically a combination of a lot of the things I hate most about life. Being rejected over and over. Being judged constantly. Fighting social phobia to contact people you haven’t seen or talked to in years, asking for introductions to other strangers. Trying to fake a smile and fake a sense of confidence, particularly after having been rejected over and over. Reading job descriptions and feeling more and more depressed at all of the desired qualifications and experience I don’t have. Sending resumes out into what feels like a yawning void.
Ironically, I’ve had a few people contacting me about job openings that […]
Tomorrow I have an appointment in the hospital about suicide stuff after I was admitted two weeks ago.
I plan on killing myself on April 6th.
They brought up youth protection services a few times, and let me be real, I am not in accordance to that.
I can’t let them admit me and keep me in. I have to get myself out the mess that well, it feels, they created.
What do I tell them? What lies?
I gotta figure out something.
Urgh.
Today I burned my arm over the boiling kettles steam it hurt and still stings but I like it now its something to occupy my mind and its not like a normal pastime or anything and now I feel like I wanna start harming again to feel the pain and take my mind somewhere else for a while this may be good or bad not too sure yet.
I can’t fucking sleep. I haven’t been able to sleep for 3 days now and im about ready to freak the fuck out. My body feels weird in a horrid way. I just want to blow my head off, or his. I hate this fucking place. I need to leave. Tonight I’m wearing 5 layers of clothes. Under 6 blankets. He’s fucking here and I want to fucking kill him. You have no fucking idea how didficult it is pretending everything is normal. Everything is fucking peachy mom! Don’t worry about me! I’m fucking fine!
so over the last new months iv been working on a song about how I feel being depressed suicidal still needs work but il share the first couple lines with u guys
– I keep trying to fill that fucking void inside it feels like life is just passing me by looking in the mirror iv totally lost who I am the cuts relieve the pressure can you save me from myself
alone and depressed anxiety stressed I’m hanging on for dear life but I dont see the reason why iv been thinking dose God really exist cause this is bull shit this is hell in living […]
I’m standing on the edge I stumble I fall in
I’m falling into nothing I’m screaming im calling
it feels like I’m drowning man I can’t breath
can someone save me from myself please
it could be sunny outside but it’s raining over me
downward spiral walking corpse virus Im slowly dying in silence
And I’m it’s host to entertain wile it flourishes from my pain
and stuck in this hole
i remain
If you wanna have a talk feel free to add me on skype: phil2921
I feel a bit sheepish, with this. I’m barely known here, I rarely post. But soon I’ll be following thru with my plan of many months’ standing. Please don’t try to talk me down, my mind is made up. I have severe cognitive challenges that have made me incompatible with life. But I do beleive in the eternality of the soul, and would so appreciate it if anyone would pray for me, in a couple days. My name is Amy. Thank you so much, anyone who feels moved to do so.
I succumbed to texting my ex. It’s a been almost 2 weeks since we vaguely texted each other. I told him that I need to be his friend and I asked him if he still even cared. He said “Yes, of course”. But he doesn’t act like it. He never asks me how I am or how my life is. It feels as if he is not my friend, not even a stranger on the street. Why am I hanging on to him like this? I’m actually starting to be completely turned off by him, sexually and in a friendly kind of way. Maybe this […]
In case any of you were wondering how the other doctor appointment went Thursday…
I have an MRI of my skull scheduled for March 31st.
They’re doing two of them: “with and without contrast”. This means that for the second one, they’re going to inject dye into me so everything in my head lights up like a tacky Las Vegas strip.
I’ve had plenty of MRI’s in my life, but none with dye.
Best case scenario is that it’s a benign mass which isn’t growing.
Or, better yet, that […]
It really feels like there is a group of people trying to get me to end my life. I came really close a few weeks ago. I am wondering if these individuals realize that there are Criminal , Civil and punitive charges for these actions ? Even the failure to prevent suicide or death by authorities that I have notified is criminal negligence . The No fear Act , 18 U.S. Code 2340 , 18 U.S. Code 1512 and so many other crimes I am a victim of daily.
It was horrible, beyond any measure I could have anticipated.. I guess I should have known, but clearly didn’t. I was treated less than human, my basic rights suddenly stripped, walking around in hospital-issued scrubs in a daze, trapped, awaiting doctor’s orders for release.
3 days locked in the confinement of the behavioral wing of the hospital, constantly supervised, your every movement documented, got to go outside once, for some 15 minutes. It was so horrible, all I could think was “get me out of here”, and now that I am out, hardly do I feel any better, but surely for the worse.
Everything feels […]
I’ve spent hours in the dark with streams going down my face and cracks running along my heart. I’m always trying to put the pieces together.
Why does it feel like my life is crashing like the meteor that killed the dinosaurs?
I have my happiness. . Oh yes, I have it.
But you know that moment it feels like life makes your mind turn your emotions into people and sends them flying at each other with everything they got?
Negatives fighting positives.
Anger, sadness. . Fighting hard to destroy your happiness. To break all that love and strength in your heart.
That moment can make a person feel like they’re […]
well were to start well having to get up for college at 6 am today and tomorrow and mayb Friday Which really dose suck because I hate college now but I’m one of them people that have to finish something They start OCD maybe who knows
but the worst part is no not having to get up and go to college which u hate or get up at 6 am
The problem is waking up at all I really didn’t plan on living this long I really didn’t I should really have died at 18 or 19 so I’m like a decade over due and still don’t […]