Hello. Haven’t posted in a while. Testing week was hell. Tired. Ended testing week off with an important interview. Felt like a fraud. I dressed up as something I wasn’t. Smiled. Used hand gestures. I was articulate. They seemed very pleased. The final question was why I thought I deserved the position. I wanted to scream out I didn’t deserve it. That I was a fraud. That I was a liar. That I was a horrible person. I sat there for 30 seconds. I finally came up with some bullshit answer. They said I got it. Went up to shake their hand. I felt a […]
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Haven
I almost posted some metaphorical thought based shit. Decided nah, fuck that. I ramble too fucking much.
I almost posted some deep internal , dump my heart out shit. Ironic I’m not really comfortable with that. Besides so many new faces, filling in the back story… fuck it.
I almost posted a funny ass song, well, I think it’s funny. I kind of over did that though.
So, here’s Twiztid-Darkness. I like the song. I like the video. It’s not overly goofy, or too deep to me. Just posting up to post up. Thinking on getting blitzed wasted tonight. I haven’t tasted booze in 7-8 months. Haven’t been […]
I should be feeling something better than this. Just a few weeks away from getting that god forsaken undergraduate degree-in psychology no less. Registered for classes in the fall getting, a Masters in social work, I think. I don’t know what I want though. It is so anti-climactic. I feel pretty numb most the time because I am stuffing those feelings until after finals. My therapist mentioned self-sabotage last week, he kind of took it back this week though. Bought a house. Living alone, trying not to isolate, helps that my sister lives across the street. Honest though, I feel restless. Like I am waiting to […]
Yes. I’m okay.
I can finally breathe. Exams are over. 2 rotations down, 4 more to go.
I feel… Alive.
No cutting needed. Haven’t made a cut in over 2 months.
Suicide thoughts… What is that again?
I’m moving on. I’m moving forward. Ylem is getting her life back on track and I couldn’t be happier.
I’ll make a proper update when I’m not as busy. Just wanted to pop in, say hi and see how all of you have been doing.
Keep smiling peeps.
Ylem is out!!
It was roughly about this time last year that that darkness swooped in and took over.
It’s happened before, but in time would usually pass, this time, it’s remained.
Every day is a struggle, I’ve tried so many things to shake it..
Girls, drinking, exercise, working, everything just a temporary distraction, just clicking off the seconds, trying to make it through another day.
Finding this site has helped, a place to vent, to read other peoples experiences and feel a certain kinship, to know am not alone, dealing with a life that once promised so much potential, now, just a daily chore to remain,hoping for […]
anyone heard or seen darktide ? Haven’t see anything from him I think he’s a guy or girl but anyone heard anything ?
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
This is for you Sammi6xoxo, Haven’t Given Up On You Yet There’s A Surprise At The End
by thelost
written by thelost
I have done terrible things
Things to make you shiver in the dark
Things that make even my own skin crawl
I want them back, to take them away
I hurt others, so badly I cry
It wasn’t me! I scream
It was them! I can’t help it!
Please, you have to believe me
The things that lie in wait
To rip me apart
To make me rend and tear
As they watch
It’s the demons that lurk beneath the skin
The ones only freed by razors
Death is to begin again
Right?
They beg me to stay
I beg them to let me leave
I don’t want to hurt you anymore
I don’t want to make you bleed
No you must stay
You must endure
You […]
not sure it’s cuz I’m doing better. Fighting this hopelessness. It’s a fucking douche.
Tired of hiding behind everything. Lost all motivation. Trying hard not to give up. Haven’t shed a tear today which is a change. Still tired of this bipolar suicide shit. I’m suicidal.. Now I’m not.. Now I am again.. This is one crazy planet. Wait I’ll just check with myself again I now may not be suicidal. Lol
I know no one can help me even ssri’s give me serotonin syndrome after only a few short days being on them. Which suck because the first day or two being on them is good.
God did you screw up giving life to me with a mental disease or […]
Tonight. Tonight of all nights I feel it. It haunts me. The presence. My trachea’s shadow. My personal emotional python of darkness asphyxiating my throat chakra with deep blue sorrow. I’ve felt it my whole life. Hence eternal. But on day seems like eternity trapped in this anatomical sarcophagus. Living, breathing; I don’t know what that’s like. The deeper it gets the less control I have over any of it. Scared doesn’t cut it but then again, terrified doesn’t slice it either.
Like a furball of the most vile, putrid emotion all encased, locked and trapped in my throat. Unable to express so it depresses […]
Yeah, everyday seems like slow suicide. I always wake up feeling like shit and I’m greeted by a little box beside my bed. It encases a lethal toxin I bought last week to aid my transition. Depression is eating me from the inside and this fucked up totalitarian capitalistic matrix incessantly plunges me into an existential crisis. This is the only place where I feel safe. I’ve read a couple of encouraging posts but the optimism is short-lived. There’s two individuals on here that intrigue me so much, Salt and Randal. I always read their comments on posts and they’re pretty thought provoking. I wonder what their […]
I haven’t posted anything in like a month. I guess I’ve been doing okay. Haven’t really cried. I’ve just been thinking a lot. No pain I guess. I don’t even know what to say. I guess I’ve changed in some way…
As I’m near the end for the third time in 2 1/2 weeks, my main wish is for success. I have read the statistics on suicide attempts over and over. I know the dangers of a failed attempt.
So my realistic, rational wish is to be able to do it right and not leave myself in even worse shape than I’m now. Because as much pain as I’m in now, it would be worse if I fail.
But regardless of that wish, I still have another wish that is not realistic. It’s actually quite irrational, as it is not possible and would never happen.
Those that have read […]
Alcohol… makes me feel great for a few hours then horrible for about 24. Last night I drank two-thirds of a bottle of wine, way too much for this middle-aged woman. Pills have never been my friend and I try to avoid sedatives as much as possible, but insomnia, a companion since childhood seriously kicked in the past few months along with my suicidal tendencies, and I’ve been reaching for that bottle of pills too often. While the pill hangover is zombie-like the booze makes me want to die even more than ever.
In the past year I’ve managed to almost completely isolate […]
I am a young adult. I would like to take my life. Reasons:
-I am innately evil. This brings me overwhelming shame.
-I do not correct my actions. I repeat my evil actions. This brings me guilt and shame.
-I am of no use and a burden to my family, my social circle and my workplace. Shame-shame-shame.
-I do not deserve my salary because I don’t work half as hard as I should. I am cheating my clients out of their money.
-After spending my whole life in this attitude towards life, I am convinced that I cannot change or, though I can, it is […]
I have been feeling severely depressed for the last week & a half. I think it’s a combination of things…been keeping a secret about getting back together w/ my on again off again boyfriend. Finally came out to my friends about it. They all hate him because of what he has done to me in the past. Severe betrayal that I won’t go into. One of my best friends is no longer talking to me. My other good friends dad recently died. He was like a second father to me growing up. That’s been tough. She didn’t even call me. Then I had my birthday […]
I haven’t been here in about a week…mainly because I was feeling pretty good. A good level place. Today I was running on pure hyped up energy. Haven’t been eating all to well…and today I feel…too good. Does that make sense? Have you ever felt that way? I seriously feel like I’m climbing up a really tall tree right now. I keep looking down and seeing how far I’ve gone but keep going higher. I have the shakes. Nervous laughter keeps bubbling up my throat. I’m home alone and find myself moving from room to room because sitting in one place doesn’t feel good….even though […]
I guess I’m back. Last time I was here I was in high school. Now I’m in my second year of college and not one thing has changed. My uncle, his wife, and his son came down for the 4th this week. I haven’t seen them in 3 years. I hardly know them. They never come around. Well none of that matters. Just a minute ago my Grandmother told me that my uncle said I was “Anti-social”. It hurt. I tried to talk. I gave my best. They think I’m weird, but weird is good to me. I lost all my friends from high school […]
Do you ever feel so empty you don’t know what to do with yourself? Do you ever feel that whenever you try to cheer yourself up, you never can succeed? Do you ever feel like your such a disappointment to the world, because you never can do anything right? Ever feel that you’re not really needed to anyone? Ever feel that you will never find friendship, love, or a true meaning in life? Yeah, this is me. Anyone else?
Haven’t posted in sometime, sorry people.
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