so today I woke up and wondered why should I …nothing for me to do I’m not making any money today I’m gonna cook and clean and get fuck so, I’m upset.. so when my great husband *sarcastically said * ask why I’m so upset I said do I have any reason to be happy… he said * now this was fucking rich * “try harder I’m not happy either i have no car no money you need to WORK HARDER so wipe that look off your face” I can’t even be upset when I want to how can I not be fake with […]
It’s extremely sad and unfortunate when I realize that the majority of my depression and anxiety stems from my relationship with my ex. Would I be depressed and have anxiety if it weren’t for him? Yes. But I was never this bad until we broke up.
We talked last night. We decided to be just friends a while back, maybe a month or so ago… but since then he was seriously avoiding me. It caused me severe depression. I cry often. I can’t listen to music because 90% of music is about love. My heart breaks every moment. It’s bad. Anyway, he explained last night that […]
My stepdad’s been drinking all afternoon, and it took me 15 minutes to get him to leave me alone after my mum went to bed. I’m alone downstairs now. Left to dwell on the last few days.
I’m still insanely hyper, but at the same time I want to kill myself – not just having the thought pop into my head and then it leaves, I want to go out with my tools to somewhere remote and end it. And I think this is more serious than when I usually want to do it. I’m usually too depressed to move, which explains the lack of attempts […]
Stuck in the void
You left me here
Trying to avoid the atmosphere.
Caught in the crowds
Your voice is so loud
But then it seems to disappear.
I bought the last thing that I fucking need
Another bottle to wash away this awful dream
Reminding me that I will never get to be with you
What am I suppose to do?
Waking up in bed and I am still alone
Spending countless hours staring at my phone.
I bought the last thing that I fucking need.
Stuck in the void
You left me here
Trying to avoid the atmosphere.
Caught in the crowds
Your voice […]
I was contemplating suicide, it still exists in the back of my head. A lot of days I have to fight with myself to keep me from cutting myself. The cutting would silence the voices in my head. Sometimes I think I was doing the cutting as practice for cutting my wrists. Every night I wish it to be my last night breathing. I pray to God every night that he will make it my last. Now on Sundays when I go up for communion I ask God to end this life I call living hell. The only good thing about going to work is […]
Well that last attempt to upload was so full of crazy it wouldn’t load.
Well try again. Welcome to Club HDS. No cookies or snacks this time, the month doesn’t end in B.
Thank you Phantom. I feel like I got the last bit of crazy out tonight.
whats on my mind…..well suicide. It has been for as long as I can remember, in one form or another. The last month it has gotten stronger tho. I watched “the bridge”, and now cant stop watching the footage of people jumping off the bridge. The thought of the release of pain when at last u get to fly must be beautiful. I think thats why people choose that method. Anyway I opened up and told my wife about what ive been watching and my thoughts on it and she was shocked and worried. I do suffer mental illness and we both have […]
Wow. Just wow.
Sorry for the drama the last week. I’m out the other end. Not sure why. But like everything else in my life I am just going to walk forward.
Thank you everyone for your hands. So many hands and hearts.
HDS
Hello. Lately I’ve been feeling ok. My depression comes in waves I guess. I went to bed feeling ok, but woke up feeling like shit. I don’t know why this happens. I’ve got a feeling something bad is coming. I’m going to screw up some how and everyone is going to be mad. Do you know that feeling? It’s that gut feeling that the momentary peace you feel isn’t going to last very long. There’s not really much to say. I’ve got a few more weeks until testing. I realize I’m way behind since my depression kind of came back. I don’t really see myself […]
I found something yesterday. It is either the start of my redemption or the end of my torment. I decided to make a game. This game will be extremely difficult and almost impossible to win. Yet, I’m satisfied this is the future I’m placing this one last bet on. The rules sound simple: Make my ex who hates me, fall in love with me again within 4 days. However, my depression and apathy have caused her to view me as nothing more than an asshole who enjoys hurting her.
If she truly wanted nothing more to do with me, why would she accept my friend request […]
I think that I’m past the point of being depressed. Feeling has gotten old and I’m tired of it.
I was doing good for a little while, after I had attempted and survived my first suicide attempt in high school. I found things that helped, like meditation and mindfulness.
I read some self help books that really changed the way I think (I’m only mentioning this incase someone reads this, I HIGHLY recommend you read some books by Eckhart Tolle: A New Earth & The Power Of Now)
I used to be a good person. I don’t know if I am anymore. It’s been a while since anyone […]
I have been a cluster survivor since 1984, episodic for the first 25 years and chronic for the last 6, since 2009.
Nothing can be done for the pain …… main aim is to control the attacks (4-6 a day at the moment) and the duration.
Suicidal thoughts are never far away ….. but every day and sometimes several times a day ….. I get through it to fight another battle with this terrible illness.
I surround myself with pictures of the people I love and all the reasons to stay alive ……. and for me it works, well up to now anyway.
Constant stress […]
I found a few leaves of a plant with a powerful effect a couple of days ago. Not going to name it to avoid giving anyone here ideas, which I will explain why I don’t want such a thing later.
So, yesterday, I decided to smoke a bit. It was 11 P.M. and I went for one last cigarette. I couldn’t roll myself a joint with the stuff because my parents were in their bedroom watching TV, and I feared getting caught and sent into rehab.
I am so fucking glad I had that fear that prevented me from rolling a joint, because I ended up smoking […]
I have an English class at 8AM 3 days out of the school week. For the last 10 or so minutes I’ve been sitting outside the door trying to decide if I should go in or not. I actually like writing, and I was especially looking forward to working on the last essay, which is essentially a reflection piece with yourself as the main source. The professor’s a really great guy, too. He’s really understanding and wants all of his students to do the best that we can. But I’ve only completed one out of the four essays that we’re supposed to be doing, and […]
Suicide mission resume. I took my last shot at a bearable miserable existence and missed. I can get out of here now.
I guess the temptation is to just say fuck it, and paint my brains all over the walls. My last act would be clicking back the hammer, like cracking open the most refreshing can of soda ever. But I guess for now I’ll have to settle for blasting some music in my headphones. It’s like sipping on lemonade because you’re literally on fire. Kudos
I got all my hair off yesterday, so now it’s a pixie cut. I’d planned to wait until summer, but I just went to get it done without a second thought. I don’t really know why I did it. I suppose part of it was so the Others don’t recognise me – I’m dyeing it tomorrow, too. The other part is just because through all my racing thoughts, this one stuck.
I did that stupid scale thing with my psychiatrist today. 1-10 for mood, and over the last four days it’s been an 8 or 9, and for my energy it’s 10. I didn’t bother bringing […]
Of waiting. I tried hanging myself countless times to no avail last year. I may try again next week. We move and ill have my own room again. I’ll have the space to do it. My mom is talking about moving and the things we have to do. Im to old to care how it will affect her or any family. Before my breakdown last year we had barely talked for 5 years. I dont care a anymore. There wasnt a me before this pain. This is who i am. I am depressed and suicidal. I am also tired and old. Ive had countless attempts, […]
I swear my head feels like the fucking bomb in Enola Gay…
I got buried in over my head in appointments, deadlines and the likes during these last few weeks.
Coupled with that never-ending nostalgia feeling, it gives me sudden sharp pains in my temples.
I was literally one step away from having a complete mental breakdown today. I woke up, and as soon as I noticed the dawning sun on the early morning sky, I started crying… Instantly. I bashed my head against the bed several times until I spent the only bit of energy I had at the moment and just stayed like that for a […]
Falling so far from yesterday
Slowly, all of the colors fade
Sunshine dancing through the alleyway
Beautifully executed last ballet
And the audience was pleased
To have been the ones to see
Blue eyes turning green
In the limelight of the street
When the curtain is pulled
The whole city will go cold
And the fire from the foxhole
Cannot be controlled
So if you heard it, yesterday
Take back the words you’ll never say
Like “I’m okay,” and “Will you stay?”
Enjoy the show and press replay.
Falling so far from yesterday
Slowly, all of the colors fade
From black to white, and gold to grey
Enjoy the […]