the last time i posted here my mom had just passed away. that was november 18. january 13 my dad died. to say i am overwhelmed would be an understatement. the monumental task of dealing with one unexpected death becomes herculean with two. at age 45 i am essentially an orphan. and i feel so alone. the busyness of making funeral arrangements, visitation, funeral etc etc gives way to the utter loneliness and despair of everyday life. everyone goes back to their lives. everyone just tries to go on like nothing ever happened. they forget. i wish i could. i got sent home from work […]
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So I decided this time I was going to talk to my family about my being down the hill. I can’t remember why, it sounds selfish, but then no one may say I didn’t try it all…
My family is a mess. I grew up watching my mother crying in desperation almost every day because of her feeling lonely and impotent and not knowing how she was going to make it with so many kids (4). But we weren’t supposed to acknowledge knowing she was crying. I don’t remember what I though about it, but I remember it felt really bad. I remember that by then […]
So a few days ago the last reason for me to live disappeared. The girl i loved and thought she loved me too, through me out of her room so she could have sex with another guy. I didn’t go to work this week i just could not stand seeing anyone. Now there are no more excuses not to do it. No more hope, and no more reason to go on. Plus if i kill myself i’ll give 3 more persons a reason to do it to. 3 pearsons who have no more reason to live, not with me and not without me. Just make them […]
My car destroyed, glasses and phone broken, and me bleeding all over the fucking pavement mistaking a concussion and shock for dying.
It was such a relief. Except then I didn’t die. Not even close. And everyone tells me it’s a miracle and all that matters is I’m here. What can you say to that? “I feel so lucky and grateful for your care. You mean everything to me. And yet, somehow despite all of that I continue to actively seek and desire death, even knowing how much it will hurt you.”
I haven’t tried to kill myself in eight years because the last time ruined everything and […]
26th of January
They said suicide is the coward’s way out.It is the one big solution to a temporary problem.But what if the problem is permanent,will suicide be an available solution?Today I’m starting my countdown,a countdown where it will all start and at the same time end.Nobody can stop me because even I cannot stop myself.So love me,care for me,stay with me,because the last days of my life will soon be a tragic end.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Does anyone remember that old song that says “I dont want to start and blasphemous rumors but I think that God has a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find him laughing.” Sometimes I think he was on to something.
In the past year life has been such a damn roller coaster. In Jan of last year my father had a stroke (alone in his home) and I had to put him in hospice and he died 2 weeks later. I went to his home and found where he had dragged himself around the house covered in feces […]
I let back in the most beautiful demon. He took all my trust, stability, emotions, happiness. But he came back and I floated up to the surface. I felt like living so he played his role and left and took the last piece of me that was clinging to my shell. How do you hold on when you can feel feathery oblivion right beneath your feet? How was I supposed to love myself when I watched everyone find nothing worth loving in me? I want to be back amongst the living but its too hard. I thought maybe it was all a test of my […]
My arms and wrists itch and burn. I relapsed bad last night. Can you even call it a relapse if you never tried to stop in the first place? I took pills, too. I can’t stop taking them – both in large quantities and small. I think I’m getting addicted. I’m ill. Everything hurts. And I’m stuck I college. Class starts in 7 minutes, and I feel awful. Despite the pills, and how many I took, I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just needed the pills. I needed to get rid of the pain, and I couldn’t cut at that exact time. Surprisingly, my […]
Yeah I’m pissed. Why even bother? Why play ganes? I haven’t seen him in a full month and I know I’ll never see him again. He actually messages me asking to come over. Then last minute says he can’t because the other car he had access to died too. Says he had a ride. So why couldn’t the ride have dropped you off here? If you can rent a car you can catch the bus, right? Hasn’t talked to me any more. Just leave me alone then. You got what you fucking wanted. You got rid of the person who cares most about you. Yes […]
Hello.
I’m still alive.
It’s been a while since the last time I posted here and to be quite honest I thought it was because I was getting better but I think that’s just a lie I keep telling myself so I don’t try to commit again. Lately I’ve been feeling quite down and have (LITERALLY) no friends to vent to and before this becomes into something more than it should I decided to come back and just, if not vent, at least just .. write .. about anything and everything, if that makes sense.
It’s going to be the anniversary of my last attempt and I feel […]
Thanks to everyone here for listening to me opening up and encouraging me throughout my stay at S.P.! You have helped make my time in this world less miserable. Taking one last look through your kind comments on my posts so far… Why can’t everyone be like you guys?
Anyway… As the title says… This may be ”it”…
Wrote the letter, got the ”equipment” ready and all that other shit, heheh… Now I’m just waiting to get the motivation to do it, which will most likely come tomorrow when I’ll yet again be reminded how big of a failure I am. Whelp… Here goes nothing…
By the way, […]
For some reason, these past few days, I’ve been really sad, but I don’t know why. My life’s been pretty ok these past few weeks. I mean I had a meltdown on Monday because I had to go apply to college and I don’t want to do college. But I have to because I can’t move out because I don’t have a car and I don’t make enough money to support myself which I learned last semester. And the only reason why I moved back in with my parents was because I hated it more at the last college I was at. But anyways, I […]
It’s sad.
I feel sad.
These last 4 days (counting today) have been so tiring. I’ve been so emotionally drained it’s ridiculous.
And it’s all because of a guy.
A guy that doesn’t even know my name.
And the worst is, I don’t even think he wants to know.
I know his; I know what grade he’s in; what lunch rotations he has, yet he knows nothing about me.
What I’m questioning is why I can’t seem to let it all go.
I want to let it go but it feels like as if there’s nothing I’m holding on to.
I like him. I do. But he doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t […]
Quite surprisingly, I have survived my suicide attempts 12 times over the last seven years. Though this is not necessarily something to be boastful about, I believe that things happen for a reason; even if the premise behind my repetitive failures is unbeknownst at this particular time.
I am eighteen years old, and this dark phase of my life began seven years ago subsequent to the loss of a an individual who I considered to be more of a mother to me than that assigned to me biologically. Subsequently, I lost the only real paternal figure I had two years ago. Between these two losses, […]
The thought of my mom finding out about my depression scares me. Why? Why does it scare me so much? I’m not sure.
This post is similar to my last one but I have to let it out anyway. I woke at around 4 PM today. My friends had planned to come pick me up at around 12PM so we would go spend time together before we all return to college. So when my alarm woke me up at 10 AM today, I texted them saying that I was so sick I couldn’t even get out of bed. That was true, I felt so tired.
It’s ironic how […]
Not that it was off anyway.
I’m so tired of taking all this shit from these people who call themselves my neighbours. I AM SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW.
These sons-of-a-bitches think they can just mess with my little sister any way they want. My sister was in tears after being harassed by my so-called filthy shitty, motherfucking neighbours. Not the killers. The killers are long gone. But their fucked up relatives who are still around. The bitches who hid the killers from the cops.
I’ve never been so fucking pissed in my life. I wanted to fucking beat up a *****. They gave me a chance to […]
just enjoying the fasch of the first cigarette of the day. I don’t do it last night, finally the valium once. Got a date for netflix and chill tonight. Idk if i want it, it’s not the women i love.
It was my birthday last night and I think I was one drink away from alcohol poisoning.
I love someone infinitely and I think my love will last forever.
Yes, I’m bipolar. My moods swings too much these days.
Sometimes I’m so sad, sometimes I’m indifferent, sometimes so full of love, sometimes rage shows me the nightmare.(but mostly depression bother me.( my crazy thoughts were on bullet train for last few days.))
But it doesn’t matter how I am, I always believe in love peace and harmony.
It’s the only thing worth living.
But I’m so fade up with people’s fucking hatred behaviour. It runs so deep in them.
I can’t understand how can someone live with so much hatred in his/her mind […]