This is the first time I’ve done anything like this but I’m going to tell my story as best I can. I guess I’ll start by describing where I am now, physically and emotionally. I’m turned 21 this year and study engineering, of which I have completed 3 of the 8 semesters. Based on my academic record I’m a good student (or so they say) but the political situation in my country makes it difficult to acquire scholarships for one of my ethnicity (not that I need it as my family is quite well to do). Haven’t had a relationship in one year+, don’t have […]
Tag:
Lost
I woke up focused on purging the pain. Spent all day in the hills trying to find peace. Came back to my little cottage that reeks of death. Cried and punched the wall till my wrist got sprained. Bottle of liquor and a handful of toxic killers. Just looking at them and crying. Their punget smell just painted a horrific spectre of death. I just couldn’t do it. Whoever said suicide is the easy way out deserves to go to hell. I just feel so alone and torn apart from the inside. I don’t know what else to do.
I feel like it’s time. But I don’t want it to be. I made a promise to myself, you see. I promised to wait until I was 21 to find something to live for.
Even though I really want to wait, I’m just tired. Waiting is probably the best way to describe my life and I feel like I can’t take it. Also, my head hurts all the time, without apparent reason. I don’t want to feel pain anymore, but I don’t want others to suffer because of me.
I’ve always prefered to be hurt if that means that someone doesn’t. Maybe that didn’t make […]
U know dont you?how is to be pressured
Im lost, when i has 8 i promissed to myself that i would live at least to 20
My family has never seen me crying, i have holding it for years u know?
I have 18 now… but, im so afraid of living, everything is soo hard to me handle alone
Ive trying until now, im thinking in finally give me the eternal dream
Oh God forgive me…
Its better like this, ive never been strong enough.
?????
I feel completely broken inside, like a part of me that should be there is missing. I’m constantly surrounded by a dark cloud that suffocates me. I feel like it should have killed me already. I’m surprised it hasn’t. It’s so hard to live with so much pain. My friends don’t understand – the few that I’ve told about it. They think that chocolate and hugs will make it all better. It won’t.
The truth is that I want to disappear. Except I can’t. The problem with having a perfect-on-paper life is that: a) people don’t believe that you could possibly have any problems, and b) […]
Why movies are better than reality ? Why movie is better than reality ? Why reality is boring ?
by niki
written by niki
Why movies are better than reality / real life / real world ?
Why movie is better than reality / real life / real world ?
Why reality is boring ?
What puzzles me the most is human’s mind / human’s brains and imagination better than reality ( human’s fantasy is better than reality )
for example:
just look at the movies, novels, comics, games, books, , animations (anime / manga), science fiction (sci-fi), fantasy , like Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Narnia, X-Men, Marvels & DC universe / movies , The Avengers , Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Swords Art Online, Naruto, Bleach, […]
It’s been a long ride man. I’m soon derailing the train and go on an infinite cosmic quest in the realm of the unknown. Next week I end it all. I have already printed my suicide note. Already dropped it at my big brother’s corporate office. He then messaged me on facebook with his banal Jesus loves you grace preaching. As thought it will liberate me from my draconian fate.
Life is just funny man. I never thought I’d tread such a dreary path. I don’t wanna live any more. Lost all Hope, Lost all passion for life. Hahahaha I even quit my fucking job yesterday, […]
Everything, that one can lose
Looking at it, now it just kind of makes me
Lost it, at the tip
Yours, the Captain America
At the end, crawling
Like the sign
Respond to me, my alpha
The way of the, caged
For me it’s the, I’m here to the
All that I see
Slowly maticulating
Meticulous
Like the sludge
Today is my mum’s birthday and I feel so let out of everything.
I mean, I know she doesn’t like me that much but is it really necessary to completely ignore me?
I just want something. Something to show me that I’m still here, because sometimes I’m so alone, i forget other people exist.
Just random, everyday thoughts.
-V
Sometimes I just want to disappear into thin air,
make myself come none into existence,
forgotten by the crowds,
and erased by time,
I never felt that I will ever fit in this fallacy
My soul, my breath, and my blood
They are just deceiving illusion
I don’t belong here
Something tickling my mind
And tell me to run
Tell me to believe in something unknown
Somewhere I should belong
Out of grasp of the Fake
It actually not a poetry, it just some random words that stumble upon my mind. Something like this bothering me for years. Somehow, I believe there’s a place for people like me out there, or maybe I just being delusional?
I wasn’t like this at first. I was so happy. I had strong religious faith. I was a good kid overall, so much that being depressed was out of the question. I guess the world is evil. The world changed my more mature self. I became more aware of problems. More family problems, friend issues, doubts in my faith, everything that was enough to tip my world over. My parents hate each other, but they stay together because of me. My friends don’t really care about personal things, and if they do they aren’t very supportive. I’m not the smartest person. I’m not pretty. I […]
Yeah, everyday seems like slow suicide. I always wake up feeling like shit and I’m greeted by a little box beside my bed. It encases a lethal toxin I bought last week to aid my transition. Depression is eating me from the inside and this fucked up totalitarian capitalistic matrix incessantly plunges me into an existential crisis. This is the only place where I feel safe. I’ve read a couple of encouraging posts but the optimism is short-lived. There’s two individuals on here that intrigue me so much, Salt and Randal. I always read their comments on posts and they’re pretty thought provoking. I wonder what their […]
It’s back. In all honesty it’s never been truly gone. Always peeking through the windows, shoving a hand through the door to wave hi while I try to hold the door closed. Sometimes it might come in for a bit but I’ve always been able to kick it out and closeclose the door before it brings its really unwanted friend. Wherever depression is, it’s only a matter of time before the blackhole comes. This time I haven’t been able to kick the depression away. I thought depression was closed out but now realize it’s been in my presence for the last 3 months and I’ve […]
im not gonna do this list in narcisstic way. i feel not good when i hear drum sounds or electric guitar. i dont know why. maybe because when i feel drowning deep i dont want to hear some rich man beating his drums. if you can relate to this, you can check this list. it has been very helpful to me. i just leave it here, for visitors, for members.
1-) Vivaldi – in e minor (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJzpqVSDlok)
2-) anniki tahti – mustalanien (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Drac_HVOCig)
3- mussorgsky – old castle (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSomvC6rwgU)
4-) dark night – bernes (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxWnPpSVL-Q)
5) corelli’s sarabende (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b70w3hsNOnI)
6)all bowly – summer’s end (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjqlQWReyzI)
7) […]
Im a 20 year old male and this is my story, i dont really feel like commiting suicide but i just want to share this story. I have never cutted or harmed myself in any way possible.
Ive been a normal kid before someone told me i got a tad fatter in a matter of weeks (im still 2mteters talls and i weigh 75kg..). Since that day my life went downhill really fast, i started to look away from people and the real life because i fellt like i wasnt good enough in others peoples eyes. Since that day i just felt like anything i did […]
I’ve pushed away everyone who I used to care about. Each morning before school I sit in the library reading a book in a pathetic attempt to escape reality. The bell goes and I’m scared to go to class, then I become aware that I’ve forgotten my timetable. I get this sinking feeling and the anxiety starts to kick in. I’m shaking and I can barely breath when I realise that I’ve now got to speak to someone and ask where to go. Walking to class I’m pushed, laughed at and of course I end up running into one of my old friends, the one […]
So yeah, my title about says it. Here’s a little about me. I’m a 21 year old male that’s completely lost my drive. I have no hope. I have nobody. The two surrogate parents I had died within two days of each other. I have around 40% mobility and strength in my hands due to sindactilysm (look it up), so I’ve been laid off from every job I’ve landed due to being so damned slow compared to other employees. It’s not bad enough for disability. I lost my home already and I live in a parking lot trailer, temporary courtesy of a church that took […]
I’ve never felt like I fit in – lost in a crowded room..
At school I was painfully shy – I wear a mask so no one knows the real me.
But the strangest feeling I’ve had since I can remember is that I feel like I just don’t belong here. Like maybe I was born in the wrong century or country.. I can’t explain it any better than that, but I feel so lost and like I don’t want to be here anymore – Its like I remember something, or someone and I miss them and desperately want to be with them again – […]
I hate business !
I hate money !
I hate capitalism / capitalist !
The main reason is because business kills creativity & ideas . money kills creativity & ideas . capitalism / capitalist kills creativity & ideas !
There are a LOT of good ideas , creativity , imaginations , inspirations , dreams , & even good deeds that business / money kills ! simply because of a petty, shallow reason “it doesn’t make a lot of money or profits ! ”
money makes the world unfair ! business makes the world unfair ! capitalism makes the world unfair !
plus , the world becomes a boring […]
I’m happy sometimes. I met this girl thousands of miles away and she makes me happy. But sometimes I just get really sad out of nowhere. I get down on myself and hate every part of my being. I think about suicide really often, I have been for three whole years now. I even went to therapy but I stopped going because it didn’t work or feel right. I feel fucking insane.