Honestly, I don’t. Just the though of taking my life scares the shit out of me. I just feel like i no longer have anything left worth living for. Everything i have ever known is gone. My new life is so fucking pathetic. The same exact routine day after day. No ambition to even try and do anything different.
Any hope of a “normal” life i may have had in the past is gone. I may have what i need to survive, but is that really living? Is that reason enough to keep pushing through, to keep telling myself i can make it for one […]
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normal
So I guess on this post ill tell you about something that has been wrong me for years. I was diagnosed with cancer at age 7, for about two years I was on radiation and it was hell. I puked alot, I stunted my growth, made me really skinny, and I’m small in body size and it stopped me from doing things I wanted to do. I got picked on for having cancer through my life up until now (18yrs)
Each time I think of it an how it affected me makes me cry so much because I wish I was normal. It’s even hard […]
I’ve always wanted to submerge myself into something that would help numb these feelings,
I’ve always wanted to experience that complete lostness you see in someone deep into their work,
I’ve always envied that.
I’ve tried to lose myself in alcohol,
but these feelings make is seem as if I’m drinking poison.
I’ve tried to lose myself in drugs,
but these feelings make the strongest “uppers” into downers.
I knew these weren’t positive things to lose myself in,
but I didn’t care,
I was so desperate.
I’ve always wanted to be a great writer,
I wanted to paint beautiful scenes with my words,
but creativity […]
I’ve been eating the pain away, trying to lose the weight of all the hate. Is it normal for feeling sadness ever since I was 8?, sorry I’m not a tank. Ain’t no pill going to stop the wait. Molded into the wrong traits, but I still have faith inside my little gate. My lake is filled up with too many fakes; I try to shake but I always will take the bait. I dream to feel happiness so no such thing as a good wake. I try to be cool, I try to be funny, I try to be smart, I try to be […]
I don’t honestly do not know why I am even writing this. Big brother can watch me have my nervous breakdown, I guess. It was not at all in my intentions to be one of those people who threaten their selves with their lives when things get hard. That’s weak, right? Although, I’m struggling to understand that, it makes your mentality to have strenuous strength to cope with the inevitability. Here’s the kicker, I am 16. I haven’t even lived to have the urge to end it, right? Ahhhhhhh, or maybe it could be the raging hormones and the typical teenage babble like, he said […]
“I’m afraid of dying” was something that I used to think and say a lot, but I have forgotten how it feels to be afraid and not ready to die.
For about 5 years, I’ve felt constantly sad. Can’t say I’m depressed since I’ve never been diagnosed, but I can say that feeling hopeless is now my “normal” feeling.
So I wonder, what is the normal “normal” feeling? It’s obviously not hopelessness, so what is it? I wish to love life again. Either that or just not live. It’s not like I’m actually living, anyways.
-V
I like lists, here’s “my story” in a list:
1. Decent (but not decent enough) suicide attempt in 2012 (overdose and wrist-cutting). No prior attempt and no attempt since (yet).
2. Spent a while in hospital recovering.
2. Mis-diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
3. Lived in a phyciatric hospital for a few months.
4. Re-diagnosed with major depression and anxiety.
5. Tried all the drugs (citalopram to lithium and all in between).
6. Lost job (and everything else). Unemployed.
7. Fast forward to 2015.
8. Finally back to “living a normal life” (Job, boyfriend, etc.) Not on any medication for a year.
9. Seriously considering suicide again (most likely gassing or hanging). I have a plan […]
Every thump of each fireworks sounds like a million bullets in my head because I know she’s somewhere looking up smiling with him giving him the same look she gave me once. I want these lights to stop so I can finally fall asleep. I wish there was something I can take that didn’t make me selfish. I’m so alone so alone in this wretched mind. It’s normal now the pain.it feels normal now. The constant anxiety the constant panic it all seems so..welcoming. I’m dead to her today. I’m dead to everyone. I’m waiting to see how long until my courage builds up enough […]
I have multiple personalities and I wanted to know how many others there are who live with this. I just feel so alone with it, I’m not sure if I have a normal or abnormal alternate personality. She is very violent and unstable and has tried to kill me before.
Why am I always on the computer?
Why do I never do anything else in real life?
I don’t have any friends in real life, MOM. I don’t see anyone in real life who has anything in common with me. What’s that? You think I won’t learn any social skills from online school? I’ve learned more social skills online than I have in real life. I have friends online who care about me. I only feel normal online because I’m one of many there, whereas, in real life, I’m all on my own.
I haven’t met anyone who’s transgender. I haven’t met anyone with autism. I don’t see […]
Usually I’m just smokeing a cigarette on a balcony, just me and a little red flame slowly running out… Reading some of the life storries here on the forum, but today I decided to blow off my mind here.
Right now I’m feeling like the whole univers is picking on me. Every time something “good” happens in my misarable life it soon backfires.
I was never some angry guy, I’m usually just depressed especialy in the morning (I’m really having problems getting out of bed) I’m always thinking of all the fails in my life, but once I get out of bed it gets better, usually at […]
It’s not like I want to die, don’t get me wrong. I just…. want everything to stop. I want the world to wait for me to figure things out and then move on. Of course that can’t happen, and I know that.
Sleep, though, is something that helps. I want to sleep for a while. Or, forever. I want to go to bed and not wake up. Sounds like a good way to go. I want to forget everything, wind back time to where I wasn’t like this. Just a few months ago I was normal. Happy. I made a mistake, something that’s not a […]
I will tell you some of my personal story for those who care to know. So ever since I started elementary school, I wasn’t normal, I didn’t talk to anyone, I was shy, my family thought I was autistic because of mu extreme shyness. I didn’t make my first friend until the second grade. Most of my early school days are a blur and I don’t really remember, so. I started smoking weed in 6th grade, and that became the love of my life for the next 6 or seven years. When I was at school all I could think about was going home and […]
Nights like this I wonder why I’m here
I have so much to say to cry for and of course no one is near
I feel everything but fear when it wins.
I just wanna end everything at once
I don’t see a reason to why I’m still around. Not one fuckin reason.
Everyday it’s something new.
It’s not anyone’s fault, but I do wish you knew
I yell and scream the pain away
But when it’s inside I can’t bare but to stray
To stray to a place where no one can go
There, no one can make me smile or hurt me
No one can say […]
Been kinda upset recently. I have a friend who actually asked me on a date about 6 months ago, but never been in a relationship before I declined because I was scared and just don’t date people. I’ve kinda realized how good of a person he is and that I definitely do have a ‘crush’ on him, though I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship considering how my last one ended. He’s literally a guy version of me but with better qualities personality-wise. But now he’s completely uninterested and moved onto better people, I guess. Like he definitely had a thing for my […]
So this is probably the only time I’m gonna use this, account. I just needed it to get out. To vent. Anyways.. here it is.
I think I’m starting to accept the fact that there’s something wrong with me, and that I’m a terrible person. I feel “empty,” don’t know exactly what that means except, you feel I dunno dead inside? None of my emotions feel real. I’m beginning to think I’m not normal, crazy even. One of these days, not today, nor tommorow I will end it. I just don’t belong here, I shouldn’t be here, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, my mind […]
Hi,
This year I was diagnosed with Renal cancer for the 3rd time.In 2005 I lost my left kidney to it.2nd time it showed up in my right kidney and got a botched surgery to remove the tumor. Only thing is this time (the 3rd) it’s spread throughout my body. I will not die of it. I am a nurse and have watched too many people die of this horrid disease and I refuse to let it take me.I do not want my families last memory of me to be that of me lying in a hospital bed,wracked with pain,on so much Morphine I don’t […]
Most mornings I wake up wishing I died in my sleep. Why? Because this life sucks. I weigh over 300 pounds, I have never had a relationship, I have a grand total of 4 friends that I have known for over 15 years. I had no family except my mother and stepfather who are always nagging me to get help for my depression. Who wouldn’t be depressed if they had my life? I get up, I go to work, I come home, take a shit, eat, jerk off, sleep. Repeat. I was happier when I was getting high and banging hookers all the time. Now […]
Firstly, I’m sorry for my awful English. English is not my first language so … yeah, i just hope that my post is not so confusing. Well, here it is ….
I never know that I can make it.
I mean, I always thought that I will be dead by now. (I’m 23 years old and I always think about suicide even before my 7th birthday)
Ever since that “accident”, I always torn between to kill myself or to keep living in this hell.
I already prepare the tools (for suicide) too. I keep on thinking about the easiest way to end my life.
Before I reach my 9th year […]
First of all I”ll tell u about my parents: when my mother was pregnant with me in her she wanted a girl since I have 2 older brothers, so when I was a child she used to treat me like a girl my hair was long, she used to let me wear dresses…etc I really love her the most in my familly, my older brother has psychological problems (autism, shezophrenia and some other syndromes) his iq is 70 – 80 therefore a lot of schools didn’t accept him, he should have went to a private school for special people like him, but my father insisted […]