There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Tag:
pretend
Hey you, you know who you are.
I just wanted to write you a little something personal. And no, I am not blaming others entirely for my short comings like you think I do. And I know you say “you don’t have to be like your siblings” but I know that’s just kind of pretend.
Because I know you have done the same shit with them. For some reason they worked out better then I did. But, you told me you’re disappointed in all of us for individual reasons anyway.
Oh and I am sorry for that your dream of becoming rich and beautiful has not worked out because you […]
I don’t particularly want to kill myself, but it has become the only practical solution. I believe some people aren’t meant to make it in this world, and that I am one of them. I learned how to pretend and act normal socially, but I can’t maintain it. When there’s no one telling me what to do, I just sit there, so I find it very hard to pretend to have a personality in a workplace or in order to maintain any human relationship. For a while, it works, because I can listen to other people and run around and have fun, and talk to many […]
I go into the hospital tomorrow morning for some tests.
One of them is a dexamethasone suppression test to see if I have Cushing’s Disease, the other is to see if I still have Osteomalacia. (Not osteoporosis but osteomalacia).
I’ll find out the results next week, plus I’m hoping they’ll start investigating the tumor in my head which showed up on the x-ray about 2 years ago. (Yeah, they’re taking their time with that for some reason).
If the worst-case scenario happens with the tumor, I may not even have to worry about suicide after all.. my body will self-destruct all on its own.
Still can’t decide whether that […]
I have no idea if this is going to work right.
If you’re able to listen to the sound file, here’s the story behind it:
I wrote it in 2011, and it’s called “Requiem”.
A requiem is a song written to honor someone who has passed away.
I thought it might be nice played at my funeral.
I realize the instruments are all computery and fake sounding; it’s artificially generated sounds, and I’m sorry about that. I wish it came out better. It would be better with real people playing real instruments.
The instrumentation is as follows:
Piano
Acoustic Guitar
Cello
Electric Bass
String […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Here I am again, a year later. I want to die, it’s the easy way out. I want to give up. Life is hard, death is not. I’m tired of doing and trying.
I am not depressed. I just do not want to do anything. It’s a cop-out. I am lazy.
I do not wish to die, I wish to do nothing. Forever.
The ultimate cop-out. The peak of laziness, to cease to exist. A coward, that is me. What I get I deserve, and I cease and I desist. I give in, I give up, I surrender. You have won, all that have doubted me. You have […]
This is a first, reaching out because I’ve reached my end thinking this is going to take so much energy to write and expecting no response it hardly seems worth the effort. I’m a walking contradiction… I’ve read a few enteries and like some of you, I suffered a horribly abusive childhood however I can’t get over it. That said, I’m house bound, self inflicted. I haven’t left my house in ages, afraid of being judged, having to talk, seeing someone I know and having to pretend that my life is perfect which it isn’t. I’ve lots of bad habits, one of many is talking […]
So I stoped talking to my parents if I can avoid it. I am going through that idea of geting my emotional independence, so if one day I do decide to put an end to this whole thing then they will be used to not having me around.
I am in a period of time when I am all alone again. My friends left the country (mine is one of those countries you always want to leave) and they are organizing their own lives. Good for them.
I was thinking that maybe this is how life is supposed to be : you grow up and learn you […]
Its so hard to hold everything in. You want to scream all the time but you cant because you dont want people to hear you. You just put a smile on your face and pretend like everything is ok and you dont notice whats going on. You pray everyday to just disappear, and you wait for so long just have everything blow up in your face.
Your worth something, and if you have to be the only person who cares about yourself then so be it. It might be hard, and you might need help sometimes, but its not impossible. You just have to keep […]
Do you know what’s the worst thing about suicide?
It isn’t making the decision.
It isn’t buying the things you need.
It isn’t writing those letters to your loved ones.
It isn’t booking the hotel room, so your loves ones doesn’t find your body making it worse.
It’s not even the preparation: putting everything on the table, so you have everything in one place and you just need to sit down and start. Oh no.
The worst thing is when you plan everything, you do everything and 36 hours later you f_cking wake up looking like shit, pale, and you have to go home and pretend like nothing happened.
It’s not the […]
Always laughing, Always dying
Always living, Always crying
Always helping, Always running
Always surrounded, Always lonely
Always doing, Always tired
Always happy, Always cutting
Always, Always…
It’s always tiring separating the person you are to the person you pretend to be.
” I cant pretend that i’m okay; I can’t fake it anymore I’m hopeless I’m helpless and I’m scared I’m never going to be happy anymore.”
I’m back. Living, and back. I thought by now I would have atleast tried to kill myself. To rid myself of the tortures of life and anxiety and depression. It’s haunts me everyday, and I don’t know how to fix myself, because I’m broken. I’m not happy, I don’t have dreams, I can’t live a normal life. I put on a fake smile at school, and pretend like I’m happy. I try to talk to new people, I try to get them to like me. But I will never be accepted. I’m weak, and broken.
I live in my room, and play the violin to keep […]
Why is it that when you fix one problem another one appears…why is it people just can’t understand that it’s all pointless..who makes up shit like this…I hate waking up feeling like…I hate being imperfect…I hate that god chose me to live this pathetic life…I FUCKING hate it…and no matter how many time I try fix it I still wind up back in this same box….I really want to know when does it end…when do happiness come for me…when can I smile because it’s genuine…I just don’t know what to do anymore…I just don’t know how to pretend anymore…I just don’t know what they […]
Can’t take feeling this anymore. Unacceptable. Gotta change something. Do something.
So, what’s holding me back from living a worthwhile life?
Well, superficially, there’s all the minor health issues. Just enough to make me uncomfortable most of the time, without actually being severe enough to deserve medical attention (not that most of them are curable anyway.) Either my skin problems are flaring up. Or my stomach problems. Or my allergies. Or my insomnia. Or my back problems. The combination means I never feel well.
On top of that, there’s all the little embarrassing physical inadequacies (both real and perceived.) Because I need more reasons to feel inferior.
But let’s put […]
I don’t understand why I’m always alone and why I always feel alone at least normal people can pretend
I used to sleep all day and all night. Now I sleep all day but I’m awake all night. I’m scared to go to bed. I fear the day that comes next. I don’t want it to be tomorrow don’t want to wake up and pretend not to be miserable. Don’t want to have to see people, talk to them. Interact with the kids that is my job. I’m just scared.
It’s so hard for me to stay strong. I’ve been struggling with my depression for 5 years now. But last week, my friend killed herself, and now I feel like it’s okay for me to do it as well. It really triggered me. I go onto her facebook page multiple times a day and read all of the messages people have sent her. It’s like once you’re dead, people start caring about you. Right now I’m torn between wanting to die and wanting to live. For the past few days I’ve been doing some research about train suicides and suicide by hanging. I found out […]
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