my day consists of getting stuck in flashbacks and losing track of time.
i am too exhausted to feel anything but misery and dread.
i want to tear open my flesh.
i want to see my own blood.
i want to destroy the place on me that he forced me to carve so that his name is no longer visible.
i want to feel that piece of me torn away.
i want to feel that freedom.
I thought I was getting better. I’m wrong. I’m so fucking wrong and I hate it.
It’s only my first time here, but I think I’ll be returning a lot. Because I’m a piece of shit, who is so natural and inclined to drive anyone who get closes to me, away, I don’t have anyone. People keep saying “think about your friends and family! How they would feel if you do it!”
lmao. My family won’t give a shit, and I have no friends that would care. I saw that cringe-inducing post that have this short story about what would happen when you off yourself and shit, […]
First of all, I wanted to thank you for the awesome and kind advice I got from you, especially my gratitude goes to Suicidal Angel, because the advice I got from this person truly helped me. Thanks to her I was able to stay clean for 2 months and 2 days! It was a really huge achievement for me, and I couldn’t have done it without her advice I guess, so if you’re reading this (even though I doubt it) a huge thanks to you again! I’m not really able to express my gratitude to you and the other nice pieces of advice from some […]
It’s been awhile since I’ve written here. Things have actually been looking up. I told my parents through my counsellor about my self harming and suicidal thoughts. They were surprised, but I wasn’t chewed out like I expected to be.
Anyway, I’d thought that things would change. But I realise that they really don’t get it. They still don’t get it and I give up. My parents talk about my cutting as though it were a joke, especially
my dad.
My parents seem to have told my brothers about it, and they make fun of my scars. I mean, it’s difficult to stop thinking about it, but […]
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I keep searching for my purpose and for something…anything that can make me forget everything. Sometimes like a couple of days ago, yesterday, today… I wish there was a little pill that can erase all my memories. I want to wake up a new and different person and see life and see the world with a different perspective because i can’t do it on my own. I’m more than damaged, I’m half dead.
i relapsed again today, to be fair i haven’t been doing good at all lately but id gone a few days with ought doing it and i was hoping i would have enough will to keep it going for a bit. especially because i need to let myself heal, me and my family are going on vacation in a few days and that always increases the risk that they’ll see my scars. and that means another type of relapse that i care not to […]
Guess who was wrong?
Well, my last posts here were talking about my recovery and how things got so much better and bla bla bla, but hey it just got worse all of sudden. All that “my life is getting better” was bs. Lol life is being so bitter, but I guess it’s my fault, I am a piece of crap.
I had probably 3 ups in my life since last year, and probably 100 downs. That is not fair, but life isn’t fair for some lucky people like me. I had dreams, I had goals, I had desires and I guess they are never going to be accomplished, […]
So very many times I’ve tried to just lie in bed. To not get up. To not walk to the bathroom. To not grab the razor that hides in the cabinet. So many times I’ve failed. So miserably failed. Relapse is a normal part of recovery, I know. But how many times can you relapse before you’re no longer recovering anymore?
I haven’t cut myself in a long time. And tonight. 5 mins ago. I did. And I realize how much I missed it. Idk if I’m fucked up for that. But idk. I don’t care I guess. Every day I picture myself dying. Dead laying there. I don’t have to feel pain anymore. And that’s the ultimate goal. I wanna be happy. But I’m not happy being here.
Wow. It’s been a while. I’m 15 now. I got better after I stayed home all summer, and now, school has obviously started again. I’ve gotten worse. I want to die.
I’m going to draw a picture
A picture with a twist
But instead of a pen and paper
I’ll use a razor and my wrist
The razor digs in slowly
The line begins to bleed
My wrists are getting bloody
This is the picture that I need
My fingers are getting shaky
I’m finding it hard to think
My throat is getting tight and hoarse
The tears are coming when I blink
I can hear my kitten purring
He’s scratching at the door
My little sister opens it
And finds me laying on the floor
She screams and shouts out “Mommyâ€
My mom’s now running […]
Recovery is horrible….. I managed to get myself trapped in a downward spiral towards hell. During this spiral, I let myself become a monster, a monster who found relief in a razor and comfort in rushing blood, more than human contact. My cravings are a battle. Everywhere I look I see failure and relapse, sharp edges and broken skin…. I find myself thinking back to the nights I would stain my hands crimson and tear my soul apart, piece by piece. Sometimes I catch myself running my hands over the bands of purple covering my thighs and arms, remembering exactly how it felt to […]
A few days ago I wrote an update. I wrote about how much better I was doing. How much happier I was…
Why is it that one little thing can cause me to go spiralling back into what I was before? I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to be that person again. I don’t want to lose any more friends. I don’t want to live every day in pain. I just want to be me.
My parents split up almost two years ago. Some would say that alone is traumatising, but I was surprisingly okay with it. It was for the best at the […]
Relapse is such a *****. Things were going so well for me. Why did I visit my old box? What did i expect to feel when i picked up my old blades? Repulsion? Disgust? Or maybe i knew i would get the release i had been looking for. Maybe i knew that the urge i had been fighting all this time would finally be satisfied. I know i started feeling a bit lost when i realized my scars were fading. Why that is? I honesty dont know. Im ashamed by the lack of will power i had this time around. Seven months of no self […]
I just caved and wrote to the wrong person.
It had been a while, but i know that writing is at best futile, and at worst, potentially problem-causing.
But just the other day, i had a series of “seemingly connected experiences,” which resulted in… memories, thoughts, feelings i just couldn’t shake, and they wanted control… and i lost that battle. Maybe i forfeited. Maybe i hate my vulnerability so much that i lash out at any little thing that might expose or exploit it. When something is going to hit you where it hurts, the only “right way” to react, is to “go all in,” and either […]
dear mom dad if they take me away for trying to kill myself this time or if get what i want and die your just going to have to deal. Im tired man im just really tired.Sick of never feeling happy no matter what i do sick of relapsing.Sick of medication.sick of therapist always canceling.
well im done know it wasnt your fault but rather all mines cause i didnt try hard enough.maybe ill get my wish this time and regret what i did.Maybe ill back out of this thing monday but i very much doubt it. Theres a lot of bad things happening […]
What just happened?
Everything was going so well. It’s already seven p.m. and I haven’t felt suicidal all day. For me, that is a huge accomplishment. I spent the day with real smiles on my face. I felt like I was alive again. I thought “maybe everything will be all right now.”
I was wrong of course, I’m not all right.
Seven months. Seven fucking months I was cut free.
Not anymore. One cut, just one little slice and a few drops of crimson from that little shard of glass I keep in my room. Suddenly those seven months are gone. Just like that, one moment of weakness.
My promises are broken, the […]
I think we should all take a moment to think about how the choices we make affect everyone around us. When my sister chose to sneak out and do drugs, smoke cigarettes and get pregnant, she wasn’t thinking about the arguing that I had to deal with when she wasn’t around. I listened to my parents scream at each other nonstop over disagreements on how to discipline her. She didn’t realize what it was like for me to wake up to cops knocking on the door at 2 in the morning bringing her home. She never apologized for the panic attacks that occurred within me […]
So, ive been trying to make an ‘awareness video’ about recovery and relapse and how HARD it is. I feel as though many people forget about you once you say that you’re in recovery and they forget that even though you dont go and talk to someone once however often that you still do struggle. I just wanted to basically put out there that there needs to be more support and awareness for people in recovery and those who relapse. So anyhow point is I’d like other people to put their imput in and possibly talk about their story (on or off camera because it […]
I should have kept going to therapy, I should have told my mom that I was sticking my finger down my throat to lose weight, I should have told her that my therapist wasn’t helping me, and I should have told her how low I truly was.
I could have spared her false peace of mind, I could have saved myself from this relapse.
But, I didn’t, and I wouldn’t, and now I’m paying for it.
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