I’ve been lurking on this sight for months now: but just recently made an account. I’m not sure if I waited so long because I was nervous about posting or because I didn’t want to push my problems onto others. But anyways, I guess now is a good a time as any. A little background before I get into what I really want to talk about, my dad was a very abusive drunk and mother left us relatively young due to a substance abuse problem. I was always looking for a way out, a way to find some normalcy in my life. Eventually I found […]
the world
So I watched two Matrix like movies (World on a wire & The thirteenth floor) and this documentary and I’m back to the thinking world again.
What is life and how are we any different from, say, a rock? I can’t get my head around feeling like a character in video game. What if I’m told today by a supernatural being that this really is a simulation and I’m a Mario like character in it? What difference will this revelation make in my life? I don’t think it will bring any difference. I will keep suffering from same things I suffer now. The state I’m […]
Hello guys. I don’t know where to start. This is my first post here.
I have borderline personality disorder and find it nearly impossible to have meaningful and healthy relationships. I feel so alone all the time and have no one I can talk to about it. When I try I get the stereotypical “try to be less negative.” This loneliness leads to hatred. Hatred of happy people. Hatred of laughing kids. Hatred of those with good jobs and loving girlfriends. Hatred of the world; and even more hatred for those who can’t see how fucked up it is. This hatred drove away my girlfriend, it […]
Today, surprisingly, I wasn’t as hyperactive for a few hours. I still wasn’t anywhere near the ‘normal calm’, but I wasn’t talking constantly and I didn’t rush around everywhere as much.
Although, it’s gotten bad again as time has got on. It’s now 2AM, and I’m somewhat “calmer” again – but I can feel the hyperness coming back.
My mum found out I’ve done no work for college over the holiday – which ultimately means I’ll fail this year and be kicked off the course – and she yelled at me non-stop for a good half hour.
I’ve tried to tell her I’ve had more important things to […]
I don’t want to die. I want to be happy. I want to be normal. I want to be fulfilled. But I don’t think I can be.
So instead, I’m this poisonous, negative force. Because I can’t be happy, I want everyone else to be unhappy as well. I want to drag them down to my level, so I don’t feel so jealous and inferior.
I think maybe it would be better if I was dead. I don’t think I have it in me to come to terms with how much I’ve fucked up my life. And I can’t see any way to really live a fulfilling […]
Hello again. I’m glad that there were so many welcoming comments. I think I will start to post daily now, just to feel better. You know what I find funny? How open you can be with strangers. Often I throw out random hypothetical scenarios to people to see what they would say. “If there was a five grenades on the table and only one was live, what would it take to make you pull a single pin?” Often I would get answers like all the money in the world or all the knowledge in the world. When they would ask me I would say maybe […]
Of waiting. I tried hanging myself countless times to no avail last year. I may try again next week. We move and ill have my own room again. I’ll have the space to do it. My mom is talking about moving and the things we have to do. Im to old to care how it will affect her or any family. Before my breakdown last year we had barely talked for 5 years. I dont care a anymore. There wasnt a me before this pain. This is who i am. I am depressed and suicidal. I am also tired and old. Ive had countless attempts, […]
Mood – Numb.
Conscienceless in thought – Extreme low.
Mental – Cognitive.
Physical – Certain areas of my back, neck, and face are screaming.
Emotional – Someone hold me and lie to me tell me it is going to be okay.
So I had an idea to write to my disease and see if it could respond. I want to know what it wants… I do not know. I am 31 or 32 years old I do not even know without thinking and I currently can’t really do that for the fear it will make me worse off. Get fired from every job I get because I have an “authority […]
Did I plan on being dead by now? Yes.
Am I ready? Yes.
Then I got the phone call. A shot at a job in my field. I have to take it.
It was easier when I could add up all the pain. The lifelong depression, the disconnection from relationships, the alien-like quality of being in my own body and mind, and to top it off: my career at a standstill.
It made it perfect timing to leave.
This job won’t make me happy. I already know the routine. Nothing will ever make me want to live.
But if I get this, maybe I can muddle through a little while longer […]
It’s your typical existential thought but I think there is a perspective that no one has pointed out. All the good in the world and everything that people consider good is true by their own standards. Humans only have self justification and nothing else. Those who judge suicidal people and think we are wrong for thinking like that dont really have anyway knowing that we are wrong.
For all we know, wanting to end your life is the best thing one can do
I was just reading “I Was Here” and they talked about this website. It introduced me to it and honestly: I’m glad.
Safe place to talk? YES PLEASE!
Safe place to talk WITHOUT JUDGEMNT? I wish I found a place like that before now.
Ive read some posts you all have made and I know I belong here, which is sad. It makes me sad that we’re sad. Why is happiness so hard to find? Can’t it be as easy as it used to be? What happened to the world that suicide rates and depression/anxiety rates have increased dramatically? But a slightly more important question I personally should […]
I don’ feel any more butterflies in my stomach when I think of him anymore, all I really feel is pain and that makes me sad. This used to make my world, he brightened it and made it so beautiful. Now, it feels gray and dank and disgusting. Now, when I think about him, I wonder if he even loves me at all, and if he doesn’t then when did he stop. I wonder if it was easy for him to replace me and I pray to the Universe that it isn’t, that if he truly loved me then he won’t be able to -selfish, […]
Soo… hey everyone!
Been down these past days, but at least I didn’t take any pills today so I’m not falling asleep everywhere.
I want to share some stuff with you guys, if you’d let me.
First, tomorrow would be my dad birthday, hadn’t he died from cancer two years ago (a quickly abstract for those who didn’t read my previous post: I feel responsible for that).
Even though out of my four sisters I only speak to one (and a half. Does text count as talk?), my mother want ALL of her daughters to spend the day together and try and be nice with […]
I’ve seemed to stumble into a place where everyone tells lies to me. Those I love, those I am of service to, those I call family, my society, my government, my country, my species, and even myself. If that is not a hard concept to grasp, or even handle, I don’t know what is. We are all living in a place where it is rewarded to lie, but the moment you are caught, you pay colossal penalties. Not only does it feel like everyone is against everyone, we have decided that, as a whole, “all for one” was the best way to achieve greatness; unknowingly […]
Dearest, dearest MC,
April 1, a year ago, it all changed.
One year ago you felt the fresh air again after 3 agonizing months. And I was there for you in spirit, as I had been all along. But I soon, sadly, discovered “we” were gone.
But on this anniversary I still send you all my love my friend; I send you best wishes. I wish things were different, but I try to trust this is where we should be right now.
Maybe someday… Maybe someday you’ll remember that feeling we shared and have the courage to want to try again.
I hold onto hope; I hold you in love; […]
Hi guys. I’m still here! And by here, I mean alive. Maybe I don’t feel all mentally there 100% of the time. I’m not recovered by any means. But, I’m significantly better. Medicated with prescriptions that work so well for me. I’ve changed. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. I have more friends now. I have a boyfriend. Yeah, he lives in England and I’m in the USA. It’s not ideal. But I’ve never been so in love in my life. Am I allowed to write shit like this? Am I allowed to be happy? Regardless, I’m dying to share what I’ve been […]
I’ve come to a conclusion about a lifelong question. Where is all this hardship coming from. I wondered why there is always difficulty, frustration and then the inevitable pain in so many aspects of life. I first thought that world was just bull shit and it was or duty to find and fix all the issues. But recently I have found out that I’m the one with the issues.
Discovering this I wanted to change and be like others, to be normal. I realized that me being against the world was the whole chicken and egg thing. I’m not stuck in this mess because I’m against […]
i swear no sleep in the world could cure this tiredness apart from that ever lasting sleep everyone hopes for here
im tired of fighting im physically and mentally drained I ain’t got much fight left in me I don’t even have enough strength to try again right now so I have to stay suffering and get destroyed by my demons (my thoughts )
its funny how you can be your own worst enemy it’s a battle to fight myself everyday how can u win the war against your self with out killing yourself it’s tough
i love you guys the support everyone has for each other it’s sweet only if the world was this easy
thank u for the support il try support u guys the best I can give u advice non judgmental
my email in a post but if u want it just ask your not alone in the dark
thanks guys Xx
drowning
Do you ever just stay up late til like 5am and just struggle to find a reason to not kill yourself? I have done this for the past 2 weeks.
The worst feeling in the world, is being treated like a second option, and feeling unwanted. Being with someone who constantly makes up excuses for not seeing you and then wonders why I get upset so often.
My family disowned me. I have 0 hobbies. 0 friends. I do nothing with my life except go to work and be bored as fuck in my house alone.
I tried to kill myself once, obviously failed. At first I thought, […]