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who I am
I hate it here. I want to leave, but I can’t. I have no where else to go.
They talk in front of me like I’m not there, he yells at me like he doesn’t know who I am, they treat me like I’m nothing. Maybe I’m not, but I’m trying to be something.
I cant see the letters through the tears.
Fuck, I sound so helpless and pathetic. Its sickening.
I just need to leave.
Im sorry I’m here, I’m sorry I’m yours, I’m sorry for my birth, god I’m so sorry.
I just need time to stop. I need more time, or maybe less. Theres too much i cant […]
It’s just too much and I just feel sorry for myself and I want it all to end. I want to see the sun shine again. It’s been so long since I sincerely smiled. It’s been way too damn long since I felt things I could understand, since I was genuinely happy. I don’t want to be who I am. I want these thoughts to stop. They’re just too loud. I miss the times when I was actually confident and didn’t hate myself so much, the times I wasn’t so body conscious, the times I didn’t criticize every single thing I do, the times I […]
Because my disposition is so heavily suited for very unsavory tasks such as merciless combat and deceit, this makes me ill-equipped for more mundane things like small talk, forming relationships, and creating effective art. However, this statement is a contradiction, as my disposition also makes it possible for me to exhibit fairly uncommon forms of altruism and to stress understanding and communication which are key elements in promoting harmony.
And yet, neither statement is true, because one’s memories (more importantly, the condition of their brain) define the persona that is constantly undergoing development. In this sense, who I am now is merely a result of odds. But such statements imply that my personality reflects an immaterial soul that I do not […]
I don’t know how to live with this. With myself. I’m full of hatred & negativity. I feel so alone, & lost. I am a terrible person, but I don’t have it within me to be better. I can change my actions, but my underlying view of life remains the same. The problem is fundamental to who I am. No matter how many new starts I make, I will eventually drag myself down.
I have cut myself off from all humanity. I am completely alone. There is no meaning to anything I do. I go through the motions, clinging to the vestiges of life. But it’s […]
My life is a complete failure. I have failed by every standard I or anyone else can devise. I have failed as a human being.
And that hurts. Any contact with other people inevitably opens me up to comparison, and I always fall short. Knowing that the best I can hope for from anyone is pity. And I stress myself out a huge amount, trying to figure out ways I can somehow measure up.
But the truth is, there is no way, and there never was. I was always several steps behind, with a disposition to turn my inadequacies into neurotic obsessions, and hamper myself further. And […]
Hello. I didn’t post yesterday. I just forgot was all. Nothing to worry about just in case a few of you were. Today my school had the annual senior presentations. At my school there is a heavy focus on engineering, and every year, starting since I was a freshman, the seniors show the school and a couple of local engineers who act as judges what they worked on. I used to be so excited for the event, since I want to be an engineer, but lately I didn’t really care. Then there was the keynote speaker. He was some German dude who has been working […]
from 2009 of a brief stay inside the mental clinic. For 6 days I wrote terribly cringeworthy entries on a flipbook… and drew even more cringeworthy pictures. Gave me a good laugh. Yet one sentance stood out to me:
[…]I am important to People, and they like me for who I am and what I do[…]
What happened in 7 years since then? Today I am convinced of the opposite. Infact have attempted suicide multiple times because of issues of worthlessness etc. I wrote further […] “I learned my lesson, I will never attempt suicide again” […]
Yet I remember another attempt on suicide just a few […]
This game called life is not a game I want to beat. 1,2,3 lives you’re out. The only enemie is yourself. The hate I have the struggle i feel. Death is the best option. Fuck the future, fuck the present. Fuck tomorrow I want to die tonight. Always feel like nothing and no one. No love no respect. I am who I am but why? I’ve heard it all my days are up.
1,2,3 it’s game over…
This is just a repeat of my usual tedious bullshit.
I don’t think I have it in me to live a worthwhile life. I can’t connect with anyone. Not really. The best I can do is to fake it (some of the time.) It stops me from ever really enjoying the moment. No matter where I go or what I do, I’m always dragging around this barrier in my mind, distancing me from everything.
So my life, in itself, is not worth living. I can’t be one of the happy, successful, functional people. No fun social life, no real friends, no partner, no kids, no fulfilling career […]
Hiya
I called this I Dye My Hair! Because when I was 13 yrs old I started cutting myself aka self harm. I have plenty scars on my body. And I know they will be there forever. So I learned to love each scar and shows me who I am and where I came from. I will always have memories part of me. I’ve. Stopped cutting about like September 2015 so I was just turning 17 and I haven’t really done it since then. But allot I think about it. So I have a technique I used on myself. I started dying my hair a […]
I’m crashing…
I knew this would happen. The whole week I’ve been too busy, my mind too preoccupied with school work to dwell on the pain. Now, it’s the weekend and I have all the time in the world to feel the pain. I feel like the walls are caving in on me. I hate this feeling. I thought I was starting to get over it, but I’m far from being cured from this. This is who I am. An empty shell. An empty void. I’m just empty. Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. There is no need for pretense when I’m alone. There is no need […]
In July of 2015 I attempted suicide. I tried to overdose on a full prescription of Xanax. I was prescribed quite a bit. What happened between when I took the bottle, and when I woke up over 24 hours later in the ER is a blur to me. I would hardly call myself a “suicide survivor” because all I can think about is dying. I have always been depressed, mostly due to my severe, crippling anxiety. I can hardly function and that is no stretch of the truth. My desires in life I can never achieve. I become paralyzed when I interact with anyone who […]
I’ve posted these songs before on this site under a different name, but I’m going to try to stick to this username, so I thought I’d post them under my real name. Here’s a link to some instrumental/spoken word songs I created and recorded. Nothing special. Just trying to give you all an idea of who I am beyond my depression and all. Also, that’s my real name and face, so use that information kindly, would you? I don’t want the things I say or share to go beyond this site if you don’t mind.
I keep trying to fill that void inside
it feel like life is just passing by
looking in the mirror iv totally lost who I am the cuts relieve the pressure
can you save me from my self
Why do I find my morality, my principels to be so important. Is it because it is who I am, my very essence or protecting my pride from becoming like those who disgust me. Why do I care about others if I believe everything has no purpose, that our constant struggle is meaningless? I guess one could say that reality is based off one’s perception making any belief a truth. Although the world is non-existent to me those around me seem to see it. Maybe I’ve been sitting in the dark too long, maybe if I left my eyes open long enough I could see […]
Is there a point of living life when nothing interests/satisfies you? I don’t think so. 24/7 bored, I blame who I am
So it has been a while since I last made a post on this site. Some of you may know that I was in a severely fucked up state. I came very close to trying to kill myself again but being on the edge of the abyss allowed me to do something I wouldn’t of been able to do: Lie with all I had.
Some of you may be confused by my last statement, let me try elaborate. I had completed my degree in IT, majoring in Software Development, over a year ago but in my final year of uni I suffered a mental breakdown and barely […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I never want to leave my house but I can’t stand being here. I am a living contradiction. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m constantly dreaming that I get some lucky break and will be able to live my life one way or another but I’m not delusional, I obviously know that can’t and won’t happen. I know it’s my fault and I should’ve just done what needed to be done, but I don’t want to live in the first place the only reason I’m alive is so I don’t hurt my family. But now I’m just a disaster to them. I hate […]
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