I wanted to cut, I actually considered it. I’m suppose to be continuing to get better and instead I am just falling back into this depressed state. I feel like a complete failure and the one person I want to talk to this about I just can’t. I feel like he will finally see me for the failure that I am and I’m not ready for that. I cry a lot and honestly death is so much more welcoming now and thats such an awful thing. I worked so hard to better myself just to end up right back here again.
I compare where I am at now to where I was before and it is night and day. Before every time I would get upset I would end up wanting to just die. I would be so overwhelmed with emotions that suicide was the best escape. I remember taking so many sleeping pills and pain pills. I could feel myself slip away and I couldn’t tell if I was breathing or if my heart was beating. I did this countless times and I would always wake up to my body forcing me to throw up. I turned to cutting and each cut I made gave me a sense of release I cut my ankles and my wrists. No one understood me, all I was trying to do was to stop my pain and this was the only way that made sense to me. I wouldn’t be able to function on bad days so I would miss school and lock myself in my room and cry. Eventually I realized that I was hurting myself that I wasn’t being compassionate to myself. I made a promise that from there on out I would try to love myself that I would be more compassionate. I didn’t miss school anymore I kept going no matter what. I didn’t beat myself up over mistakes anymore I just moved past it. I started to be selfish and put myself first for a change, I did what I wanted. I stopped cutting and I stopped attempting suicide and eventually my suicidal thoughts stopped. I didn’t want to die, I decided that I deserved to live. I worked hard and accomplished my goals. None of this happened over night it was a very long road and it took 5 years. And I’m not saying that I’m fixed and that I’m all better, I’m just saying I don’t feel as horrible as I used to. I am bipolar and this has made everything so much more difficult but I have made it this far and I am proud. I still feel emptiness, sadness and loneliness but it doesn’t consume me anymore and control my life. My emotions were like chains that tied me down and life wasn’t worth living that way. But not allowing my emotions to control me has broken those chains and freed me to roam as I please and this now is a life worth living. I’m not sure how many people are still left from before but I’ve posted on here a lot over the years and it has been a difficult battle but it is doable. I read your comments I know I don’t reply but I want you to know that I acknowledge the things that you say. I wish you the best.
Still struggling but making it Alina
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder some years back but I refused to accept that. To me the issues that plagued me were controllable. Medicine wasn’t a solution but rather hard work and effort was. I took meds for awhile and I remember feeling like I couldn’t react emotionally. I was seeing both a psychiatrist and a psychologist regularly and I don’t feel like it really helped me. I felt like I was better like I was just in a bipolar situation not that I was bipolar. In my mind there was nothing wrong with me, I didn’t need or want to be fixed. But it makes sense my mood swings still exist only they are more subtle. I feel unhappy deep down and I’m only happy sometimes. I don’t know how to completely save myself, I’ve done so much already. I have given myself a future and made myself happier than I have ever been, yet it isn’t enough. I’m not all better there was a flaw and there is still sadness and emptiness every time my mind is allowed to wonder.
I thought that I was happier, that the issues that plagued me had been healing this whole time. I threw myself into my education into building a future and I hardly ever had any time off. I graduated with a bachelors of science and I am done with my education it is summer break for me. I have had a week off and I’ve had so much free time that it is insane. With all this time I have come to realize that I didn’t get happier, I haven’t been healing, if just been too occupied to focus on the depression. I’m worried that I won’t have a job like I thought I would. I’m worried that I’ll have too much of this free time and start to fall back into the same hole again.
3 years ago I was heart broken and sad beyond all reason. I threw myself into school and got lost in trying to be successful. I worked harder than I ever have and in 4 days I will finally be graduating with a bachelors of science. I made it, can you believe it?! Me!! I did this, I’m going to be starting a career soon. I feel relief and joy because this was the ultimate goal and I have accomplished it. Everything is different now in comparison to how it once was and yet deep down I still feel the same. I don’t have anyone that I would really care to share this day with and my family is already wanting to celebrate mothers day on my graduation day. We agreed that today we would celebrate mothers day and on Sunday it would be my day. I feel selfish but is it truly so wrong to have a day where it is about me? I worked so hard for this, I suffered for this I feel like I deserve to have the day be about that. And I guess I’ve just been really sensitive and emotional lately and it irritates me. I feel as though things feel the same even though things are different if that makes sense.
I watched the show and if you aren’t familiar with it, it is about a girl who commits suicide and her story of why. I have had dozens and dozens of reasons over my life time and I’ve attempted suicide in the most ineffective ways. I’m glad I didn’t die I’m glad that I no longer cut but the truth is the pain, and life, it still sucks I just no longer react to it with wanting to hurt myself or ending my life. I figure I suffer enough as it is I should at the very least be kind to myself. I talk to myself about it I try and figure out ways to cope and it’s worked. Maybe I’ve gotten good at shutting out the bad? But my pain remains and my sadness still lingers the only change is how I respond to it.
Exactly a year ago today my aunt died, she left this world and me behind in it. I feel mixed feelings because for one she isn’t suffering on this other but she’s also not here for me to laugh with or hold. She was amazing and was always positive with me I was her princess her favorite niece. She isn’t here anymore and I still don’t believe it somehow it still feels like a bad dream. She was still so young and it was so unexpected and I miss her every single day. And my younger cousin who was like a sister to me got pregnant and I was devastated because she is still in high school and her life was going to be really hard. And she has had a miscarriage today and I can’t help but feel relief and happiness because I feel as though she gets a second chance to have her life back. I’m still seeing the guy I swore I’d stop seeing because he is persistent and I give in to temptation. And I can’t tell if any of this is better or worse? I feel like my own life is unraveling and I’m loosing control, I’m sick to my stomach.
It doesn’t feel normal to be ok. So I guess I find negative things to focus on and I let them consume my life. Like the fact that I was suppose to complete a math course over the summer and I have yet to finish the final chapter of work, and I’m not sure if I am going to need to take a final exam. And I have to sign up and take my official certification exam which to be honest should have already been done. Then I need to take a practice exam by march. And take the official exam for that by april and I’m no where near ready. I have to lose 20 pounds by may, my weight and health are deteriorating because of my poor eating habits. My brother had testicular cancer and had surgery to remove the tumor and any tumors that spread to his lymph nodes. This was in October he had a follow up and he has a tumor like mass on his liver. I feel like I’m lost at sea somewhere and I can’t come back and be the person I was becoming. I worked so hard and now I’m dropping the ball and I can’t seem to get it together. I’m not seeing or talking to anyone at all anymore and I’ve just been on my own lately. I feel a sadness deep inside and it has been triggered and I’ve been crying a lot lately. I wish I was never born but that doesn’t mean that I want to die now does it? I want a baby really bad and it hurts to think that I’ll never have one. Because deep down inside I couldn’t let myself.
You were the only person I didn’t hesitate to trust, to love and to let in. It felt natural almost like breathing I didn’t even think about it. It has been a hard life for me and for years I felt sorry for myself. Why me? I realized that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. So I suffered not because I didn’t deserve happiness but because I wasn’t ready. I realized that I was the only one that could save myself, I had to really want it. Truth be told I didn’t I wanted to disappear more than anything, I craved to stop living. It is easier to give up to give in to the dark feelings than to try and fix things and maintain happiness.
Back on the spring of 2014 my whole life felt like it had just fallen apart. There was so much pain and I was so sad. Yet I wish I could go back to that time and relive it all. The time when I was ambitious and I worked hard in school. When I had a really good friend by my side. For some reason I feel like it was a better time I had more drive. Now I slug through things and I drag my feet I feel like I don’t have the energy to want to do anything. I am afraid of relationships, mortified of them and I can’t allow myself to do anything remotely similar because I get overwhelmed. I run away from it and I want to run back but deep down I want to be loved and held so how does any of this make sense? I don’t want to be alone, I want to build friendships, and to have a relationship. And yet the moment that those things start to happen the moment that I’m not alone I am overwhelmed and I run away. So what’s wrong with me? I don’t understand myself or how to overcome this? Anyone else experience this?
Things are different this time and I’m over a lot of things. Like this guy who claimed we were friends and insisted he wanted to be in my life. The past 2 weeks he hasn’t even bothered to talk to me nor I him. That isn’t friendship, I stupidly believed him and now I don’t. Now I see the reality and I don’t want him back I hope he stays away and never comes back. I was in a toxic situation since august and it was abusive and just negative in every single way. Now I am free and in a more positive situation but I feel like I’m stuck in a funk. Maybe because I’m not used to change and things have changed and I feel sad about that. My family has fallen apart finally and I don’t trust any of them and we don’t really talk anymore. My friends that I used to always talk to well we don’t talk as much. I get a little lonely sometimes and that makes me a little sad and I get in this funk. I crave to be loved by someone else to have something real and it scares me so much that as soon as it seems possible I pull away. But there are always certain people who I can completely let go and fall into it with but they are the ones that aren’t for me. I know this deep down which is probably why I can do it because I know it won’t work.
The kind of tired that no amount of sleep can cure. I feel like I’m a joke to everyone around me and I hate feeling like that. I try so hard not to let the world make me a cold hearted cruel person. The truth is I’m getting real tired and I feel like why am I trying so hard? No one ever gives me the same care, understanding, love or effort I give them so why can’t I just quit? Why can’t I just say fuck it and let everything go?! I’m sorry really I am but I’m exhausted caring is too much. This isn’t to say that I don’t value myself or things because I do but I just don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to care about others feelings or what others think. IT IS WHAT IT IS. This is the year I let go, stop caring and whatever happens happens. I feel like I’m going numb I can feel myself not care I can feel the emotions melting away. I want release from it all I want to be free, alone and free I want to find love and happiness within myself. I’m disappearing from the world again because I can’t stand it or the people in my life.
I’m pretty outspoken and blunt, it just happens. But I want to be honest with myself because I don’t feel like I really have.
I had one relationship my whole life and when it ended it broke me. That was about 2 years ago and it’s been a difficult time recovering. I’ve told myself over and over again that he became a horrible person that I never really loved him that I was attached and afraid of being alone. And while those things are to an extent true I did still love him, truly I did. I have a horrible family that says and does some of the most fucked up things sometimes. I became a fucked up person because of my family and things that happened to me growing up. I was mentally in a very bad place I wanted to die, I valued nothing, I hurt myself, cried constantly, basically I was battling my own demons. And for what ever reason there he was and in my life again and I couldn’t not tell him that I loved him. And so I told him and we were together, everything was perfect. But I was still battling my demons and I couldn’t conceal it from him. He saw my scars all of them he saw how my family treated me there was no filter anymore. I couldn’t handle it all the time so I would cry and beg him to save me, to understand me, to feel what I felt, I wanted the pain to stop and without knowing I put that burden on him. He really did care, he tried so hard, he wanted to rescue me and take me away to be with his family. But my demons infected him and ruined him, me, and us. He loved me and I loved him I can’t and won’t deny it anymore. He let me go and it was hard at first but we set each other free.
I don’t know if I can truly love again and that hurts me. I tried to love someone I cared about and it messed me up and led me into a dark hole when I couldn’t love him. I am at least $15,000 in debt and I am literally broke constantly my part time job pays me crap and I can’t even manage to pay my bills. I just want to have a better semester and graduate. Sign my contract and start getting paid so I can pay off my debt. I hope this year will be kind to me.
At one point in my life I swore I was in love. It consumed me I sacrificed myself entirely, nothing mattered but him. Its only been 2 years, but when I look back it feels like it was a life time ago. It feels unreal like some dream I had that I’m struggling to remember. Now that I think about it I tell myself I never loved him I felt manipulated, I was scared of being alone so I stayed I dealt with all of it. But not for love but rather fear or attachment. And yet in every guy I’ve met after I find something that I can relate to that guy I swear I didn’t ever love and my heart smiles because it was a good thing, a funny thing that I remembered. Those bits in pieces that were good. I’m stuck in a situation with someone else now for what reason I’m not really sure. I don’t know if I’m attached or if I’m afraid of being alone. I mean I’ve left him, if stopped talking to him and seeing him for months. So that contradicts the idea of being attached or afraid of being alone. He laughs when I tell him that I’m attached, he says I’m completely unattached. He makes it a point to express the lack of love and the reason why sex seems like it’s missing something. I don’t love him and he doesn’t love me yet we care about one another and its stupid. I cry sometimes and I wish that he could just leave me alone. Something is wrong with me and I don’t know what it is so I can fix it.
The fact that I allowed myself to fall right back down in this hole again or the fact that this time i don’t have anything holding me back from the darkness. Life has stretched me so thin that I have nothing left. I don’t want to be here I have no future like I’m miserable why bother to be alive anymore? I am so tired of trying twice as hard to be happy it shouldn’t have to be this huge battle to be happy to be ok even. Like I want to go we all die anyways and I’m just a nobody. There’s no one who I can impact no prophecy I need to full fill. So why can’t I just go now? Why couldn’t I be the one who had cancer why can’t I just die??!! I want to die right now and I feel like a coward because I couldn’t even go through with it. I matter to no one at least not in a way that truly makes a difference so why waste time here? Why remain and suffer? Why fight so hard to achieve a life I’ll never have? Death happens people get over it, I am tired. And I’m tired of sacrificing my deepest desires to make others happy? I want everyone to let me go. PLEASE let me go!!
To see such a wonderful person whom has been through so much continue to be hopeful. I see the battle she goes through refusing to let the negative things in her life change her into a cold person. Sometimes it overcomes her and she’s mean and cold but then she catches herself and stops. I can see the love and care she has in her, that kindness that she is so ashamed of. I see how she gives it all away to those around her, I see some of the most undeserving people take it from her. I see them use her and treat her like she’s less than what she truly is and I hurt for her. I see how she forgives them and continues this same process and I want so badly to save her. She is beautiful in her own way and she hears it from people around her, I tell her she’s beautiful. When I say that and look into her eyes she looks back at me like I’m filling her head with lies. I love her, I see what her true intentions are and I more than anyone understands her, I SEE her! And it breaks my heart that she doesn’t feel the same.
To love myself and yet I easily give my love and care to others without hesitation. BUT I can’t give that to myself, I have to force myself to be better and kinder with myself. I deserve all of this and more and I can’t for the life of me understand why. I have a kind heart and I don’t ever intentionally try to be malicious. I care about others a lot and despite all the bad I’ve been through I refuse to let it change me. And for some reason I treat myself so poorly like I’m undeserving of kindness, love and hope.
There was a time when I swore I was truly and completely in love with the guy who was my best friend. He was smart and funny and all these great things. At some point in our relationship he started to belittle me and say how dumb I was in comparison to him how unsuccessful I was compared to him. He was a math teacher and math was my worst subject ever. And yet I chose to study to be just that I am majoring in education with a minor in mathematics and I’ll be graduating in may. I have been teaching math and I’m living the life of an educator. It just so happens that the school I’m at happens to be next to the school my ex taught at. I’ve cried because I think of all the stupid fights we would have and how I didn’t ever try to understand him. Now I do understand him and I feel what I imagine he felt. I sit here and its like I’m living a replica of his life. Like is this really what I WANTED or was all this just to prove that I was capable of doing everything he said I couldn’t?! I don’t want him back of that I’m sure, I think this is just all residual emotions. I feel empty, I don’t go out with anyone. I don’t really talk to my friends or family as much mainly just a few. I have the hardest time getting out of bed in the mornings like really and truly it’s like pulling teeth. I don’t feel sad but when I think about it my actions seem like I’m sad. Who could blame me though? My favorite aunt passed away this march, my brother got diagnosed with cancer, my job unjustly fired me like I swear I try my best to be ok in spite of it all but I don’t feel ok I guess not sure how to describe how I feel aside from in between.
I thought that I had this great job and finally things were getting better for me. But this wonderful job turned into a nightmare. I worked with selfish horrible people that were extremely unfair. I was asked to cover a position while they hired someone this was back in may. They never hired anyone and I’ve had to work 8 hour shifts and 13 hour shifts with no lunch break. I worked 13 hour shifts for a month straight and I had reached my limit. I spoke to my boss and let her know that I was unable to cover the position and she said she understood and that she would find someone else that I shouldn’t have to keep covering. I showed up today for my usual shift time I was hired for and they fired me. I asked why they said because I decided on my own that I wasn’t working downstairs and they didn’t like how I showed up at my ACTUAL hired positions time instead of continuing to cover the other shift. I don’t even know what to say like wow!! I’m not sure what I can even do the HR person was present during all this and said nothing. The labor laws for my state only specify just cause to file a case if it’s based on discrimination of some sort or retaliation and so on. So I have no idea what to do but this is extremely unfair and I feel very unjust. I had spoken to the boss and then today it was as though I made it all up in my mind. I got fired for not being able to cover a different position than the one I was formally hired to do.
I want to be hugged, kissed, held just to be touched. But it’s the most painful thing for me to do and no one seems to understand that. It all feels sexual to me and disgusting and unnecessary. I’m sure that this all stems from being molested as a child. I wasn’t ever raped just touched inappropriately by older males so I really don’t get why its affecting me this much. I just imagine trying to date and not having an explanation as to why I don’t want to hug or touch. All things sexual bring the greatest feeling of disgust and sin and disappointment. Males tend to be sexual around me and I don’t know why, I dress conservatively and still. I feel like I am marked and every one can see that I’m some piece of flesh to be used. I can’t see what I’m doing wrong. I lose faith each time and I start to think that there are no more good men left in the world. I want to believe that I can have a family a future with a good guy but it’s getting harder to maintain that believe when I’m surrounded by a negative reality.