It doesn’t feel normal to be ok. So I guess I find negative things to focus on and I let them consume my life. Like the fact that I was suppose to complete a math course over the summer and I have yet to finish the final chapter of work, and I’m not sure if I am going to need to take a final exam. And I have to sign up and take my official certification exam which to be honest should have already been done. Then I need to take a practice exam by march. And take the official exam for that by april and I’m no where near ready. I have to lose 20 pounds by may, my weight and health are deteriorating because of my poor eating habits. My brother had testicular cancer and had surgery to remove the tumor and any tumors that spread to his lymph nodes. This was in October he had a follow up and he has a tumor like mass on his liver. I feel like I’m lost at sea somewhere and I can’t come back and be the person I was becoming. I worked so hard and now I’m dropping the ball and I can’t seem to get it together. I’m not seeing or talking to anyone at all anymore and I’ve just been on my own lately. I feel a sadness deep inside and it has been triggered and I’ve been crying a lot lately. I wish I was never born but that doesn’t mean that I want to die now does it? I want a baby really bad and it hurts to think that I’ll never have one. Because deep down inside I couldn’t let myself.
You were the only person I didn’t hesitate to trust, to love and to let in. It felt natural almost like breathing I didn’t even think about it. It has been a hard life for me and for years I felt sorry for myself. Why me? I realized that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. So I suffered not because I didn’t deserve happiness but because I wasn’t ready. I realized that I was the only one that could save myself, I had to really want it. Truth be told I didn’t I wanted to disappear more than anything, I craved to stop living. It is easier to give up to give in to the dark feelings than to try and fix things and maintain happiness.
Back on the spring of 2014 my whole life felt like it had just fallen apart. There was so much pain and I was so sad. Yet I wish I could go back to that time and relive it all. The time when I was ambitious and I worked hard in school. When I had a really good friend by my side. For some reason I feel like it was a better time I had more drive. Now I slug through things and I drag my feet I feel like I don’t have the energy to want to do anything. I am afraid of relationships, mortified of them and I can’t allow myself to do anything remotely similar because I get overwhelmed. I run away from it and I want to run back but deep down I want to be loved and held so how does any of this make sense? I don’t want to be alone, I want to build friendships, and to have a relationship. And yet the moment that those things start to happen the moment that I’m not alone I am overwhelmed and I run away. So what’s wrong with me? I don’t understand myself or how to overcome this? Anyone else experience this?
Things are different this time and I’m over a lot of things. Like this guy who claimed we were friends and insisted he wanted to be in my life. The past 2 weeks he hasn’t even bothered to talk to me nor I him. That isn’t friendship, I stupidly believed him and now I don’t. Now I see the reality and I don’t want him back I hope he stays away and never comes back. I was in a toxic situation since august and it was abusive and just negative in every single way. Now I am free and in a more positive situation but I feel like I’m stuck in a funk. Maybe because I’m not used to change and things have changed and I feel sad about that. My family has fallen apart finally and I don’t trust any of them and we don’t really talk anymore. My friends that I used to always talk to well we don’t talk as much. I get a little lonely sometimes and that makes me a little sad and I get in this funk. I crave to be loved by someone else to have something real and it scares me so much that as soon as it seems possible I pull away. But there are always certain people who I can completely let go and fall into it with but they are the ones that aren’t for me. I know this deep down which is probably why I can do it because I know it won’t work.
The kind of tired that no amount of sleep can cure. I feel like I’m a joke to everyone around me and I hate feeling like that. I try so hard not to let the world make me a cold hearted cruel person. The truth is I’m getting real tired and I feel like why am I trying so hard? No one ever gives me the same care, understanding, love or effort I give them so why can’t I just quit? Why can’t I just say fuck it and let everything go?! I’m sorry really I am but I’m exhausted caring is too much. This isn’t to say that I don’t value myself or things because I do but I just don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to care about others feelings or what others think. IT IS WHAT IT IS. This is the year I let go, stop caring and whatever happens happens. I feel like I’m going numb I can feel myself not care I can feel the emotions melting away. I want release from it all I want to be free, alone and free I want to find love and happiness within myself. I’m disappearing from the world again because I can’t stand it or the people in my life.
I’m pretty outspoken and blunt, it just happens. But I want to be honest with myself because I don’t feel like I really have.
I had one relationship my whole life and when it ended it broke me. That was about 2 years ago and it’s been a difficult time recovering. I’ve told myself over and over again that he became a horrible person that I never really loved him that I was attached and afraid of being alone. And while those things are to an extent true I did still love him, truly I did. I have a horrible family that says and does some of the most fucked up things sometimes. I became a fucked up person because of my family and things that happened to me growing up. I was mentally in a very bad place I wanted to die, I valued nothing, I hurt myself, cried constantly, basically I was battling my own demons. And for what ever reason there he was and in my life again and I couldn’t not tell him that I loved him. And so I told him and we were together, everything was perfect. But I was still battling my demons and I couldn’t conceal it from him. He saw my scars all of them he saw how my family treated me there was no filter anymore. I couldn’t handle it all the time so I would cry and beg him to save me, to understand me, to feel what I felt, I wanted the pain to stop and without knowing I put that burden on him. He really did care, he tried so hard, he wanted to rescue me and take me away to be with his family. But my demons infected him and ruined him, me, and us. He loved me and I loved him I can’t and won’t deny it anymore. He let me go and it was hard at first but we set each other free.
I don’t know if I can truly love again and that hurts me. I tried to love someone I cared about and it messed me up and led me into a dark hole when I couldn’t love him. I am at least $15,000 in debt and I am literally broke constantly my part time job pays me crap and I can’t even manage to pay my bills. I just want to have a better semester and graduate. Sign my contract and start getting paid so I can pay off my debt. I hope this year will be kind to me.
At one point in my life I swore I was in love. It consumed me I sacrificed myself entirely, nothing mattered but him. Its only been 2 years, but when I look back it feels like it was a life time ago. It feels unreal like some dream I had that I’m struggling to remember. Now that I think about it I tell myself I never loved him I felt manipulated, I was scared of being alone so I stayed I dealt with all of it. But not for love but rather fear or attachment. And yet in every guy I’ve met after I find something that I can relate to that guy I swear I didn’t ever love and my heart smiles because it was a good thing, a funny thing that I remembered. Those bits in pieces that were good. I’m stuck in a situation with someone else now for what reason I’m not really sure. I don’t know if I’m attached or if I’m afraid of being alone. I mean I’ve left him, if stopped talking to him and seeing him for months. So that contradicts the idea of being attached or afraid of being alone. He laughs when I tell him that I’m attached, he says I’m completely unattached. He makes it a point to express the lack of love and the reason why sex seems like it’s missing something. I don’t love him and he doesn’t love me yet we care about one another and its stupid. I cry sometimes and I wish that he could just leave me alone. Something is wrong with me and I don’t know what it is so I can fix it.
The fact that I allowed myself to fall right back down in this hole again or the fact that this time i don’t have anything holding me back from the darkness. Life has stretched me so thin that I have nothing left. I don’t want to be here I have no future like I’m miserable why bother to be alive anymore? I am so tired of trying twice as hard to be happy it shouldn’t have to be this huge battle to be happy to be ok even. Like I want to go we all die anyways and I’m just a nobody. There’s no one who I can impact no prophecy I need to full fill. So why can’t I just go now? Why couldn’t I be the one who had cancer why can’t I just die??!! I want to die right now and I feel like a coward because I couldn’t even go through with it. I matter to no one at least not in a way that truly makes a difference so why waste time here? Why remain and suffer? Why fight so hard to achieve a life I’ll never have? Death happens people get over it, I am tired. And I’m tired of sacrificing my deepest desires to make others happy? I want everyone to let me go. PLEASE let me go!!
To see such a wonderful person whom has been through so much continue to be hopeful. I see the battle she goes through refusing to let the negative things in her life change her into a cold person. Sometimes it overcomes her and she’s mean and cold but then she catches herself and stops. I can see the love and care she has in her, that kindness that she is so ashamed of. I see how she gives it all away to those around her, I see some of the most undeserving people take it from her. I see them use her and treat her like she’s less than what she truly is and I hurt for her. I see how she forgives them and continues this same process and I want so badly to save her. She is beautiful in her own way and she hears it from people around her, I tell her she’s beautiful. When I say that and look into her eyes she looks back at me like I’m filling her head with lies. I love her, I see what her true intentions are and I more than anyone understands her, I SEE her! And it breaks my heart that she doesn’t feel the same.
To love myself and yet I easily give my love and care to others without hesitation. BUT I can’t give that to myself, I have to force myself to be better and kinder with myself. I deserve all of this and more and I can’t for the life of me understand why. I have a kind heart and I don’t ever intentionally try to be malicious. I care about others a lot and despite all the bad I’ve been through I refuse to let it change me. And for some reason I treat myself so poorly like I’m undeserving of kindness, love and hope.
There was a time when I swore I was truly and completely in love with the guy who was my best friend. He was smart and funny and all these great things. At some point in our relationship he started to belittle me and say how dumb I was in comparison to him how unsuccessful I was compared to him. He was a math teacher and math was my worst subject ever. And yet I chose to study to be just that I am majoring in education with a minor in mathematics and I’ll be graduating in may. I have been teaching math and I’m living the life of an educator. It just so happens that the school I’m at happens to be next to the school my ex taught at. I’ve cried because I think of all the stupid fights we would have and how I didn’t ever try to understand him. Now I do understand him and I feel what I imagine he felt. I sit here and its like I’m living a replica of his life. Like is this really what I WANTED or was all this just to prove that I was capable of doing everything he said I couldn’t?! I don’t want him back of that I’m sure, I think this is just all residual emotions. I feel empty, I don’t go out with anyone. I don’t really talk to my friends or family as much mainly just a few. I have the hardest time getting out of bed in the mornings like really and truly it’s like pulling teeth. I don’t feel sad but when I think about it my actions seem like I’m sad. Who could blame me though? My favorite aunt passed away this march, my brother got diagnosed with cancer, my job unjustly fired me like I swear I try my best to be ok in spite of it all but I don’t feel ok I guess not sure how to describe how I feel aside from in between.
I thought that I had this great job and finally things were getting better for me. But this wonderful job turned into a nightmare. I worked with selfish horrible people that were extremely unfair. I was asked to cover a position while they hired someone this was back in may. They never hired anyone and I’ve had to work 8 hour shifts and 13 hour shifts with no lunch break. I worked 13 hour shifts for a month straight and I had reached my limit. I spoke to my boss and let her know that I was unable to cover the position and she said she understood and that she would find someone else that I shouldn’t have to keep covering. I showed up today for my usual shift time I was hired for and they fired me. I asked why they said because I decided on my own that I wasn’t working downstairs and they didn’t like how I showed up at my ACTUAL hired positions time instead of continuing to cover the other shift. I don’t even know what to say like wow!! I’m not sure what I can even do the HR person was present during all this and said nothing. The labor laws for my state only specify just cause to file a case if it’s based on discrimination of some sort or retaliation and so on. So I have no idea what to do but this is extremely unfair and I feel very unjust. I had spoken to the boss and then today it was as though I made it all up in my mind. I got fired for not being able to cover a different position than the one I was formally hired to do.
I want to be hugged, kissed, held just to be touched. But it’s the most painful thing for me to do and no one seems to understand that. It all feels sexual to me and disgusting and unnecessary. I’m sure that this all stems from being molested as a child. I wasn’t ever raped just touched inappropriately by older males so I really don’t get why its affecting me this much. I just imagine trying to date and not having an explanation as to why I don’t want to hug or touch. All things sexual bring the greatest feeling of disgust and sin and disappointment. Males tend to be sexual around me and I don’t know why, I dress conservatively and still. I feel like I am marked and every one can see that I’m some piece of flesh to be used. I can’t see what I’m doing wrong. I lose faith each time and I start to think that there are no more good men left in the world. I want to believe that I can have a family a future with a good guy but it’s getting harder to maintain that believe when I’m surrounded by a negative reality.
I’m tormented every single day of my life by so many things and I don’t know how to keep going. My aunt passed away a little over a month ago and it hurts just as much now as it did the day I found out. It hurts to know the death will soon be coming for my great aunt and grandmother whom I have lived with my whole life. When they die I will truly have nothing and no one in this world. I don’t think any amount of time can prepare me for when it happens. I can’t live my life!!! I cry all the time I have been failing at everything I try lately. I seriously have to pry myself out of bed every day. I’m throwing my life away because I can’t handle it right now. I have no idea what to do and no one can help me but myself and I can’t even manage that. I feel like the world is crumbling down around me and nothing I try to do can stop it. It feels like my life is stuck on a loop and I experience a slow painful death then I’m resuscitated and go through it again. I feel like I’m in hell I’ve reached a higher level of misery than I ever have. Death actually seems quite welcoming right now because I’m going crazy and all I want to do is rip myself apart.
I’ve lost 2 relatives that I was close to, both times I was woken up in the middle of the night and told they died. I get so afraid to sleep, in fact one of my worst fears is that I will loose my very closest and dearest loved ones while I sleep. I’ve had nightmares that it has happened and I wake up sobbing. My aunt died and they woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me. I have been battling some depression and Monday felt like a good day for me. Then I find out this morning that not only is my aunt dead but she had been dead since Monday morning, a whole day and no one knew!! Not her husband or her kids or her “friends” no one thought to check on her!! She died alone and NO ONE noticed how fucked up is that?! I’ll never see her again, hug her, laugh with her and I won’t be able to let her know I love her. So in reality Monday was a horrible day, today is a horrible day and it will be horrible for awhile and a piece of me will be missing forever.
so hard that you almost feel like you are in the past again. Like all the hard work you’ve done to be a better person to have a better life just to end up right back at the bottom. This depression is eating away at me and it is truly agonizing I’ve gone such a long time without feeling suicidal. But yet some how I find myself wishing that I could just disappear and be done with life. I’m destined to be alone and I’m mortified by that because I know it’s true. I am so fucked up mentally and emotionally and every other way possible that even if someone wants me eventually because of who I am I’ll chase them away intentionally or unintentionally.
When life has tainted you, it’s permanent. No matter how hard you try to change or deal with whatever issues it caused it doesn’t go away, because it is now part of who you are. At least that’s the case with me I can’t necessarily speak for others when it comes to this. I was sexually molested as a child and growing up all through my life. Not constant but there were intermittent instances and only 2 were more serious cases. I try to ignore the fact that it happened I never really think of it and I continue with my life. But the truth is I’m damaged and no matter how far I try to run from it my whole life has some how been about sex. Like that is all that I exist for and it fucks with my mind. Who am I kidding though it’s all in my head I’m just over analyzing things and creating problems that don’t exist. I’m suffering again and I don’t know what the right thing to do is or if I do know then what I don’t is HOW to do it.
Idk what it is but I’m depressed again like I was last year, only this time I think it’s worse. I do pretty well all other months but right after that second week of february hits so do the feelings. I feel such sadness, disappointment, loneliness, and confusion and it literally sucks the life from me.
Not a single person knows this about me but I need sex to keep me sane otherwise my whole world crumbles. I’m not an addict I don’t have sex with anyone nor do I necessarily do it all the time. I’ve only been with 2 people one I was dating for 10 years and the other I’ve known for 2 years. The second guy we don’t have a relationship we just have sex. The entire time he does things and says things that play on my conscious. He holds my hand, cuddles me, talks to me (now more so than ever and about more personal things), says I’m pretty and or beautiful. I never asked him to do those things there is no reason for him to we aren’t together we just have sex. When he says and does things like that it makes me feel guilty and I’ve asked him about it and if he wants more. I have now asked him twice if he wanted and some how the conversation turns around and I end up getting rejected when I haven’t even asked him to date me. Honestly it’s probably one of the worst feelings to be rejected and I wasn’t even going there!!! I feel like shit because I don’t know if I could truly be with him aside from sex and he does all these little weird things that seem like more. I want to make sure he doesn’t want anything so that I don’t feel like such a monster for using him for sex. Sex is the only way that I have ever truly felt wanted and without it I feel such desolation. I’m so fucked up and I don’t know why I can’t be normal. Sex is the one thing that makes me feel wanted and its the same thing that makes me feel like that’s all anyone will ever want from me. What good is it to be wanted if it’s only for sex? When I ask myself this question my world starts to collapse because the answer is it isn’t good. I’ve thought about cutting again but I don’t see a point unless my aim is to cut open some veins. Suicide has been creeping into my mind more lately because I feel like my life is a facade.
i need to talk, i need the distraction. I’m so conflicted right now it is insane.
really bring out the darkness inside me. I try so fucken hard to excel to be a better person in spite of all the fucked up things that are my life. I try to be more understanding, forgiving, helpful, kind but GOD WTF is the point?!!!! People abuse the fuck out of that!!! WHY!??? I’m tired of trying to be the exception of trying to be one of the good people left but it is truly exhausting and hard and I want to give in. Seriously fuck it I’ll just be a selfish asshole like everyone else in the world. I have feelings for someone I’ve known for about 2 years and I try my hardest to help them in every way you can think of and they are simply using me. Honestly I don’t care I don’t want to hear excuses or apologies I’m done. NO one ever fucken helped me and I had to figure life out on my own so it’s not my responsibility. Sorry for this bullshit rant I’m clearly in my feelings.