I wish I could keep my mask on. I think that he barely notices when I am hurting and is to busy inside his own head dealing with his own stuff. I do not know how much I can keep pretending that everything is alright, I mean, if I am not stable then he just can’t deal with my shit. of all the people I wish he was more understanding, I almost expected him to understand, and yet he doesn’t. I feel so enraged with sadness and anger. I want to look him in the eyes and say how can you not see I am […]
heh, I feel like I have used that title before. lol. Anyway, I have been feeling a little fucked up, and I use this place as a crutch, a place to feel safe and whatever while I am emotionally drowning. I am getting frustrated with sometimes, “how well” I hide my depression. I can remember for years I would be so happy to my friends and those I cared about. I would always brush it off with an I am tired or something silly. I recall feeling so alone that I felt like I needed to tell someone who fucked up I was feeling. I […]
I have not posted here in a while. I really just have too much frustration and anger and sadness with a lot of current and on going things in my life. I hate everything and when I am trying to fix it the depression just rains on my parade. I don’t know what to do or how to handle anything these days. I have too much happening all at once and it can be very overwhelming.
xox, soup
I have spent all day in this mess… I am stressed out to the max.. I have been going through a lot of fights with my boyfriend, I have been fighting with family because they have betrayed me, I am homeless. I do not have a home to call my own, I couch surf with my boyfriend still and fight about money and basic needs being met. I have been slowly cutting my friends and family out of my life.. I do not speak to many people from previous places I have lived in. I am fighting to just get out of bed everyday. I […]
I am what seems to have fallen away from my true sense of self and my own strength in being happy ever again. My depression has come and go over the last few years. I have not been taking any medications for my depression (sometimes an emergency anxiety medicine to calm the panic attacks..) I have “good days” and “bad days”.. my anxiety / depression is being unbearable to cope with today.. I feel so overwhelmed and alone.. I feel very unsettled and upset.. I really can’t put a finger on it.. it really is just a slew of things going through my head… I […]
I am falling in love with my current boyfriend- It’s bitter-sweet. He can be the most amazing person in the world and is sweet, understanding and compassionate, patient and caring. Other times he can be a monster- he hurts me emotionally. The tears won’t stop when he gets angry or upset with me- he gets very aggressive over the smallest things and makes childish comebacks and remarks. He is so up and down with his feelings towards me. I was honest and opening up with him and letting my walls down.. It seems like he can’t actually commit to the relationship- We’ve gotten really close […]
I am having a panic attack- I really can’t think about anything else but the panic feelings, the helplessness and the tightening in my chest. My heart is beating what feels like a million miles a minute. I am freaking out. I am slowly falling apart and I can’t do this anymore.. I am on the verge of just.. falling off the face of the planet. Disappearing and not waking up. I don’t want to live anymore. I have been feeling so fucking manic and out of control. I have not been taking my psychiatric medicines and I don’t intend to really start taking them […]
I am over this- I just can’t keep fighting anymore. I don’t have anything set in stone yet- but when I do you’ll know and I will say my goodbyes. Happy new year <3
Love Always,
Falling_Soup
I honestly can say that the drama here on SP is uncalled for. It may not be 100% my place to say anything but I do have a right to say that this has been my safe place for years. I don’t need attention drama seeking idiots to ruin a place that actually is an outlet for people. I have been on SP since I was 14! I am 18 now and have suffered through some serious shit in my life. I used SP to help me cope and I still use it to cope! this is the place where I can let all the […]
I don’t know how much longer I want to really be alive. To be honest, I am okay, I am hanging by a thread and doing my best to be content. Overall, I feel so alone and in the dark, my urges to self harm are being blocked by the fact of if someone I am close with found out that I started cutting again- they would be crushed. I care about them deeply and want them to be happy. I feel like I don’t make them happy and that I weigh them down. I know they care about me but.. I just can’t put […]
When college ended for the break- I decided I needed to move out of my current situation – Get away and start fresh- I couldn’t handle the emotional pain and struggles I was facing. All of the stress was too much. It was not easy to handle at once considering the situation I had previously just been in back home in California. I needed change and I needed to feel like I could be myself. Not someone with a mask. I went back to California for 5 days and did my best to make amends and fix relationships with those who I had hurt. I […]
I am being consumed by darkness. I woke up this morning and I felt numb and like my body and mind has given up and did not want to move or do anything but lay in bed. I don’t even try to put on my mask when I get up today, the mask is too damaged and barely covers anything. I walk alone a lot. I am by myself mentally and even physically, I don’t surround myself with friends, I have lost a lot of friends because of my hospitalization and ultimately not being true friends. I tend to isolate, I don’t try to reach […]
The last few weeks have been very emotional and hard to explain. They have been causing me so much pain and sadness that almost everyday now I have been considering death. I know that I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and attempts over the years and have been through hell and back.. I feel like I should know better by now.. the last few weeks in particular have been some pretty dark days, I feel as if I am back to where I was in freshman year of high school, I am slipping into a deep dark place again and I am only letting myself […]
I am.. not quite sure what to think.. I mean.. I am just walking on eggshells.. emotionally speaking.. I have been trying to have more good days then bad but the dark cloud has its way of consuming me more often than not. I have been tired. emotionally speaking.. and I really don’t see much of a point of trying to get back on my emotional feet and being strong.. I have been in so much emotional pain that I really am starting too give up on pretty much everything. I stay here because I have a close friend who I know would be crushed […]
I have been trying to fight the demons inside my head for so long, I have tried therapy, medicine, residential treatment, therapeutic classroom settings, nothing really seems to help with the constant dull, and depressed feelings, the anxiety, the urges to cut or attempt. I am in the dark, trying to find my way, there is no light and there is nothing around me but demons and darkness, I am falling apart at the seems. I have been screaming and crying for help and I seem to get looked over lately, those who have tried to help me can’t help me. I am too fucked […]
I can’t keep pretending and bottling this emotional nightmare inside. I have been feeling so low and so unhappy, my mask is see through and everyone around me knows it.. I am a mess.. I am a broken girl and an awful human being. I seem to be living in this awful nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I am a total and complete failure. As I write this post.. it seems to soothe what the cutting hasn’t. I want to cut and I just can’t now.. I am sitting in my friends dorm room.. writing this post.. being the decent person that I […]
My mind is a toxic place. I will write something and delete it. I can’t ever be pleased with myself. I am disgusting, unattractive, fat, a failure… the list never seems to end in my head.
I am very disgusted with myself.
I don’t see a point in trying.
My urges to end it are creeping up on me again.
I hate myself.
FUCK THIS…
I am done.
Love Always,
Falling_Soup.
My last post I talked about how there was a thin wire that I needed to cross and that I would essentially be crossing over to a better mind set.. I am facing the thoughts and the challenges so far, I want to give up already. I don’t even have the motivation to finish this post, but this is the only thing that is keeping me from cutting right now. I have so much strength left.. I really don’t think I will be able to continue this journey that I walk right now. I am so alone and in the dark.. The suicidal thoughts, self […]
I know that the thin wire stretching across one side of the cliff to the other will not break or ware, its strong enough to get me there, its just the conditions that I know I will face when I start crossing the thin wire is what blocks me from trying. the other side of wire leading me to the other cliff is well, a better place, not only for me mentally but a better situation, a new start, a new chapter in my life. The dark days will be over and I can move on from this nightmare I have been living the last […]
I have been strong, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, I have tried to put my mask on and smile, I seem to not be very good at it.. the sadness, anger, hopelessness, seems to fall out and show themselves threw the cracks, ridges and edges of my mask, people see right through my mask. I have bottled up my emotions and pushed them aside for way to long, I am always followed by those rainy days that won’t go away. There are rainclouds that pour and thunder right over my head. I am done trying to let the […]