Author

Urm8451n

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Posting major coping skills that helped me:

by Urm8451n 3/16/2018

written by Urm8451n

Actions: (doing)

Sport: in specific times, and one who fits current physical state.
Writing: write your current state and goals.
Meditation.
Meet people/go outside.
Managing time right: taking in mind physical state, mental state and current attention level.

Cognitive: (thoughts and mind)

Focus on the knowledge that it is a re current state, and you had went through it before.
Think and imagine tools for solutions.
Accept what bothers you as a life obstacle that you can solve and solving it would give you great pleasure.
Imagine the way you have done and think of the achievements you gained so far.
Bring goals to consciousness, be aware of your reasons to do things 24/7.
Imagine an outside […]

3/16/2018 15 comments

I’m back baby….. (Futurama reference)

by Urm8451n 3/15/2018

written by Urm8451n

It has been a while since I logged in to this site, but since I’m here again – I guess I have no other getaway.

Life has been going rough, and each day I feel I stray away from my feelings.

I hope that after the next semester, I’ll be able to find a good job at my study field [engineering] and so to help the house’s financial state.

I’m feeling pretty much in the sewers since a month or so. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but everything doesn’t feel right.

I hope it will get better once I finish my last test. I really hope it […]

3/15/2018 0 comment

Just something to rap about

by Urm8451n 3/6/2018

written by Urm8451n

Never knew the walk will be so hard

never know, you’ll never know…. till you try

or quit n’ die.

fuck it, I tried to be best for you , best for me, best for bro

All the bur-den on m’ back, ain’t I real scared.

Got me knocked down with booze, watch me down

Right now, I am a bit drown.

It sure is easy to say,

” i will be there” ” i will fight”

“tomorrow will be the best, gonna do things RIGHT”

going to stand , stand though the wave

going on to pave

a way for you and for us,

It is all about our trust.

But how you do this?

Get your shit together, […]

3/6/2018 0 comment

Suicide year 2014

by Urm8451n 3/3/2018

written by Urm8451n

It is 2014, I’m young.
Have yet understood why my I can’t understand other’s feelings.
Mom is breaking down, she is alone, she is going through courts and she is under a lot of stress.
Knowing things can get out of hand at any moment, I don’t sleep.
Not even blinking.

My head is on the pillow, but my ears are searching all over the place. I clearly hear the neighbor’s dog, the child across the street, the moving cars, and how many there are.

The following days, mom starts acting weird, just like in those horror movies where the demon is taking over. She yells, and […]

3/3/2018 4 comments

The untold story of suicidal thoughts and voices

by Urm8451n 2/27/2018

written by Urm8451n

In the last month, I felt on a breaking point. I opened this site because I had to write, for my own mental health. I had to put it all out. for fuck sake.

The untold story by many suicide attempts (and survivors) is what pushed them. Most of them (***) are talking about miss understanding the reality itself. I wish to ask them – how can you understand a reality where you have been the victim of abuse? How can you explain to yourself ” oh everything can be perfect” when each day is just you avoiding the damage?

I want to post here in this […]

2/27/2018 3 comments

Please tell me how can you hold your head above water?

by Urm8451n 2/26/2018

written by Urm8451n

Today I lived for few hours.
I went on a date with a sweet girl. I had it all going fine for me, we have had fun, she really enjoyed my company.

The problems started later…

When I got back home, I got back to my depressed mom. To the shattered dreamland of her needs and feelings. To the half fine home of ours. To the family of abused kids. She was abused when she were young, and later on her life, she wasn’t the perfect mom. She is mentally ill, and she many times, abused me and my brother verbally and with lots of mental manipulations.

She […]

2/26/2018 4 comments

In need of help :’- |

by Urm8451n 2/22/2018

written by Urm8451n

It is striking me hard. I’m trying to hold on.

Why couldn’t I tell her what I wanted?

Why couldn’t I get mad at him for kissing my ex? Why didn’t I succeed at saying what I need and feel when I went through all those horrors.

This place is bad for me. it brings up the memories. I remember why I quit going with those friends. This f.. more like fuckers.

I’m….Im broken. I’m broken hearted, broken minded. I’m missing all the good things at life.

What will be the point at succeeding if I’ll end up friendless? If I’ll end up alone. If I’ll fail to […]

2/22/2018 1 comment

Back to ground zero

by Urm8451n 2/22/2018

written by Urm8451n

I went back to my home town. The horror-ed house and the damned “friends”.

I feel like I have to run away. This semester break is short, so I don’t have to worry about being here for long. But….. to be fair? Those aren’t my friends. Those are kids who ditched their friend in great need. I have had flash backs since I got back to here.

I feel like I have to run, run far.

People talk about suicidal experience – which is good, but they forgot to tell you all about the “before” time. The time they stood on the edge. How it feels? it feels […]

2/22/2018 0 comment

Suicidal family member

by Urm8451n 2/20/2018

written by Urm8451n

This post is what SP means with family effect and suicide related. This isn’t a happy ending nor a crisis, but beware of triggers.

When I was a young boy, I remember my mother going up the stairs, half dead, she was barely walking, her new bf helped her. She was getting treated with chemotherapy and other cancer related drugs. She was dying, it was an intensive fight. She was alone, and my father divorced her. Her family was so abusive and ugly that they didn’t even help. I was about five and didn’t understand why my mom is falling to the ground. I saw her […]

2/20/2018 6 comments

We all have those grey days…

by Urm8451n 2/19/2018

written by Urm8451n

Yesterday I broke down.

Yesterday I posted here my most utter feelings and ideas, I didn’t censor anything. That man yesterday, was me, it still is me, but for now it is all under control.

I want you all to know that I’m doing well, and this is a fact for all of us , that we all have those grey days, but at the end of each session, we have bright ones too.

I’m not at my best, nor at my worst. I’m just living life as much as I can, and as much as socially accepted.

I sometimes fantasize about suicide, it is how I can keep […]

2/19/2018 4 comments

Became a psychopath

by Urm8451n 2/18/2018

written by Urm8451n

I was pushed to my limits again.
This time is a combination. I had a dream in which I stabbed 4 guys over a fight, which I manipulated them to start.

When I was a young boy, my brother abused me physically. He blackmailed me to do him a lot of favors and to serve him. I wanted to kill him for few years back then. I really craved the idea.

Later when I became 16/14 my mom used to berserker on me with vocal violence. She said I was a waste of money and energy. She said she […]

2/18/2018 2 comments

I’m taking a step in and out -> quitting this site, May you all be well

by Urm8451n 2/14/2018

written by Urm8451n

This site has been my shoulder to cry on, and helped me in a lot of ways.
But even so, this site has helped me to rant out too much, and helped me to feel sorry for myself.
It also back fired by the fact that I stopped talking to myself and thinking out what will be my next steps.

It is funny but the last problem turned out really bad, I sank into depression as quick as a formula car with turbo and 2 nuclear engines on each wheel.

Humor aside – I have to re-start dealing with my problems on my own. I don’t belong […]

2/14/2018 2 comments

I want to quit.

by Urm8451n 2/13/2018

written by Urm8451n

I’m extremely broken. I want to quit my life.
I know I won’t do it, but I’m really sad.
I feel so fucking dead inside. I feel alone, I feel that the damn is breaking the and there is a leak through the cracks.
I feel like the burden on me is too much.
I’m always worried of what is the financial status of my house is (we are always in debt, the question is how much). I feel like I’m a prisoner on a break through, trying to score this degree studies with out having the ability […]

2/13/2018 1 comment

My way to gain power…

by Urm8451n 2/13/2018

written by Urm8451n

I wanted to share with you what I go through to regain motivation and will to live the hard times.

I find time for privacy and blow put all the problems I have, written them on paper or saying them out loud. Then, I imagine that there is someone else, I name him Alex. I imagine he is me, and how this imagined persona acts differently. He takes all this problems, and shows to me how he deals with his own life and problems. Note that they are the same.

This Alex fastly grow up to be a man, to succeed. […]

2/13/2018 2 comments

Could it be? I have MD.

by Urm8451n 2/12/2018

written by Urm8451n

Major depression.

I have pushed it too far on my own. I pushed it too far and now there is a visible damage. I can’t fall asleep. I’m extremely sad. I feel so alone. I feel emptied.

I feel that if I’ll jump a high story building, I’ll enjoy the rush. I’m not sure what got broken up in my mind. But I’m sure that I pushed too far…..

I hope that…I will gain the power needed to finish my plans (of succeeding University and paying off all financial debts).

I’m always positive, and logical……I […]

2/12/2018 1 comment

Becoming mentally ill

by Urm8451n 2/11/2018

written by Urm8451n

I’m afraid I’m becoming mentally ill. Fucked up sleeping hours. Night terrors that doesn’t scare me, but they sure are fucked up.

Acting a bit paranoid. Feeling extremely down /depressed. Feeling empty, either hollow and bored or drowned in sadness.

Guys, I hope to hold on to reality. The hard times are temporary. I wish that my sanity would hold strong and overcome this.

I had to write this so if I’ll ever go insane, I would atleast know when it started.

Anyway, stay strong, be brave, yours Jac.

2/11/2018 2 comments

Escaping from reality

by Urm8451n 2/11/2018

written by Urm8451n

Dealing with demons again, looking for help around this site, perhaps your ways are better than mine.

I feel like I’m shutting down, and I’m drowning under my blanket, as if my breath is slowly getting heavier.

I wanted to know, what is your escape from reality?

Im dealing with lots of complications and my so far only way to cope is to watch cartoons (southpark/Futurama etc) and do sports. Perhaps you can enlighten me. and please keep the “smoke weed” bullshit to yourself.

On another note, I wanted to state that I’m going to find relationship next semester. I’m […]

2/11/2018 8 comments

I’m a discoverer

by Urm8451n 2/10/2018

written by Urm8451n

and eachway I head to, I know I’ll meet new things…..including feelings experience and challenges.

What differs me, as 21 y. o man from the baby I was when I were 3y.o, is mostly experience.

Tonight I’m inviting you guys to share with me your burden. I will read your comments and stories, and let us, for few minutes, walk together.

Some people here helped me a lot to gain the power I needed to pass the hardest times in my life. I want to regive. Perhaps I know things that will easily help you, and perhaps you have the […]

2/10/2018 1 comment

I said goodbye and I meant it.

by Urm8451n 2/7/2018

written by Urm8451n

Many of you are looking for reasons to keep on living.

I wanted to say that one morning, maybe weeks from now, month, or even years, you will wake up without doubting that you have a reason to.

I wanted to thank you all for all the job you are doing and all the stories that are being shared.

I always felt so alone because I never knew anyone else who is coping with struggles like mine.

I would never have survives without you. In my last post I wrote I’m quitting this site, and well, I’m kind of. But even then, I’m coming over sometimes to […]

2/7/2018 3 comments

Time to pick myself up [ My good bye note]

by Urm8451n 2/5/2018

written by Urm8451n

With days going on, I learn more and more about myself.

I had it hard in my life. I still am alone. I hid anything I can from people who know me in person.

But sometimes, I feel like I had enough.

I decided, hope for long, to stop crying and ranting about my life. I want to move on, and IF my focus will stay on – “what is bad in my life”, or what bothers me, or all those horrible things that are living in my past and present – then I would never overcome those demons.
If I […]

2/5/2018 4 comments

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