I had off today for Memorial Day. It was nice to have a 3 day weekend before having to put my head under the water again this week. That’s what this job feels like. Holding your breath under water. And those little moments when I’m not at work is like coming up for air and gasping only to have my head pushed under again. I just need to make it to August. I keep saying that, but you know. I finally got my medication again. Since I’ve been off these medication for a long time I was […]
I’m finding out that I can’t really speak when I want to. I am fortunate to have decent parents. They are not perfect by any means, and when it come to my problems, they have stumbled in areas. But at the end of the day I know they care. So I thought about trying to talk about my problems a bit. Nothing too in detail. Just that I really need this medication and therapy or I might not make it through the summer without some sort of small breakdown. But I couldn’t even say that. I couldn’t say […]
I don’t even really know what to say anymore. I went into work this morning thinking “You got through the day last Monday, you can get through today. You got through last week, you can get through this week” Today felt longer than any day last week. In the morning I knew I had a task and I did it, but I felt like I screwed it up as usual. I just don’t have any confidence in anything I do. When they ask a question, I panic and have no idea if what I’m saying is right. I […]
You can’t really have both at once. When you are depressed nothing matters to you and everything is pointless. When you are anxious everything matters and it’s all so big and important. Yesterday wasn’t so bad at work. In the morning I felt horrible anxious and I felt like talking to anyone was this big ordeal. Whenever the managers were talking and saying “Well he saw this” or “He said such and such” and pointed at me when talking about the results I found from the task they asked me to do, I felt awful. I thought “why is […]
I’m in the middle of an anxiety attack. I have exactly 11 hours and 23 minutes until I need to be at my job. It shouldn’t be this hard for a regular person. It should be fine. But I am broken. I am not well. I’m thinking about trying therapy again. I’ve been in and out of therapy god knows how many times. It doesn’t work. Because I don’t put the work in. I think though if I offer to pay this time, maybe my parents will be more receptive. I don’t want to […]
I’ve talked about not being proud. I’ve talked about feeling like a worthless failure. I’ve talked about not being able tp measure up to the tasks given to me. The thing is I don’t want to be successful. I don’t want to be proud. I just want to be ok. I just want to look at myself in the mirror and feel no particular way. I need to be ok.
The weekend is over. Tomorrow is Monday. I notice that ever since taking this job, I have been acutely aware of time. Tomorrow starts five days. In about 9 hours I will wake up. At 8 am, it will be 9 hours then I will go home. It will take 4 hours before I can have my lunch break. Then I have 1 hour to try and keep myself together. Then I have 4 more hours to really start panicking. In 24 hours I will be in my bed again having a small anxiety attack about […]
I’m trying to think of a time where I was proud to be me. Where I was glad to be me. I can’t think of any. I think for brief moments in my life I was proud of certain things. But I think about it and all seems so superficial and meaningless. I have very few skills to be proud of. Very few accomplishments that I can think of. I’m only really good at getting good grades. But even then I feel like I got it trough luck and because I got things handed to me. […]
My head is all stuffed up. I’ve been here more than I’d like to. But no matter how much I write my thoughts down, my head is still all stuffed up. Today was my first day of work. I felt worthless as usual. I walked around following some guy I was supposed to be shadowing not knowing what to do. Everyone I passed by was looking at me. I didn’t like it. Already on my first day I felt like I was going to screw it up. There’s a thing on my shoulder that whispers in […]
It’s been a while since I shared a song. I’ve been thinking about this one for the past week.
It’s really typical to say, but I really connect to this one.
I’ve been back home since Friday. I don’t like it here. I miss being by myself. Being alone. Being alone is safe. It’s lonely and I feel lonely, but being alone no one can touch you. Being around my parents and my brother is hard. When I’m alone I feel safe. I stay in my room a lot. I don’t like being in such […]
I think it finally happened. I think that part of my brain has finally clicked. So today was my last day of the semester. The presentation happened and nobody said anything about it. Summer has started. But my anxiety is still here. My depression comes in waves usually. Once all the difficult stuff is done with (finals, work, stuff with my parents), I find some sort of relief in it being over. When those times come I’m able to look at myself in the mirror and not completely hate myself. I’m able to smile when I […]
I’m in the middle of a class right now. We are going to present today. I don’t feel good at all. I’m not proud of what I’ve done. I’ve never been proud of anything I’ve done. This time is a bit different though. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of my professor. I want to work under her for my final senior project. It’s a whole thing, but I really admire her. She’s super accomplished, so to fall flat on my face in front of her sucks. I’ve tried so hard for her […]
I’m kind of tired. I don’t want to do anything. I have two tests and one presentation left and that’s the semester. Even though I only have two things left, I don’t really care about any of it. I just feel like coasting. I’ve always coasted, so why should now be any different. I just ain’t feeling it. Any of it really. It’s all just a pain to deal with. I kind of just want to go to sleep and not have to worry about any of it. I often think about what’s supposed to […]
I should really stop coming here as often as I am now. I have been coming her for the better part of 5 years. There are times when I won’t post for months at a time, and other times where it becomes a thing every other day or so. I kind of want to go back to the former, but for right now I feel like the latter. Anyways I was just thinking about the baggage that’s sitting at the corner of the room. I did a coin flip to see if I should just get rid of it, but […]
My anger is making me sick. I can feel it in my stomach and in my chest. All my hatred and rage about everything is making me sick. I’m so sick I want to throw up. Everything is making me angry. All the little noises and twitches are making me angry. I feel so sick.
Yesterday I learned how difficult the next few weeks were going to be. Next next week I have three final projects due and an exam. The following week I have 3 exams and 1 final project due. And of course in between now and then I have smaller regular assignments due. It’s typical, but that’s just it. I just have to keep chipping away at it, at least that’s what I keep telling myself. And then the joke was set up. I was emailed about a co-op opportunity from one of the many companies I applied to and got […]
My panic attack (?) subsided after a day. I still feel awful, but that warped feeling in my head’s calmed down a bit. I’m about to have a horrible week ahead of me. The week after that doesn’t seem like it will be much better. The last month of the semester is always hell. And of course it’s the last month of the semester where my depression really starts to suffocate me, so that doesn’t help. Both are so unbelievably linked together, so I always dread this month. Right now I’m being pulled into two different directions. On […]
I’ve already posted this week. I’ve already drained my head out. Things have gotten worse. I can feel it pulling me. I want to die. I need to die. I often have moments of extreme anger and aggression. I think about it for a moment and I realize it comes from the fact that I feel like I have no control over my life. The thing is if I think about it a bit more, I realize I am in complete control of my life. I am pathetic and worthless and won’t amount to anything because […]
My last mind drain was a month ago. I said I might not need this place until May, but I just needed another round of draining out my skull. Lately I’ve been really feeling it. The weight of it. That feeling you get when you know something is going to go wrong but you don’t know what it is. It’s like a feeling at the base of your stomach. You carry it around all day, and it just sits there. I haven’t been on medication for a few months now. I don’t want medication. I’ve gone […]
Been a while since I’ve been here. Just haven’t felt like I’ve needed this place for a bit. But occasionally I just need to dump out the contents of my head. I’ve just been feeling real numb lately. Not sad or angry, just hollow. I’ve been keeping up with school work and I’ve actually been doing things at a reasonable pace. I’m still busy during the week, but I haven’t been overwhelmed by procrastinating on assignments. I’ve been trying to jog lately, but getting the motivation to do it is a pain. I was also doing full […]