I’m kind of tired. I don’t want to do anything. I have two tests and one presentation left and that’s the semester. Even though I only have two things left, I don’t really care about any of it. I just feel like coasting. I’ve always coasted, so why should now be any different. I just ain’t feeling it. Any of it really. It’s all just a pain to deal with. I kind of just want to go to sleep and not have to worry about any of it. I often think about what’s supposed to […]
I should really stop coming here as often as I am now. I have been coming her for the better part of 5 years. There are times when I won’t post for months at a time, and other times where it becomes a thing every other day or so. I kind of want to go back to the former, but for right now I feel like the latter. Anyways I was just thinking about the baggage that’s sitting at the corner of the room. I did a coin flip to see if I should just get rid of it, but […]
My anger is making me sick. I can feel it in my stomach and in my chest. All my hatred and rage about everything is making me sick. I’m so sick I want to throw up. Everything is making me angry. All the little noises and twitches are making me angry. I feel so sick.
Yesterday I learned how difficult the next few weeks were going to be. Next next week I have three final projects due and an exam. The following week I have 3 exams and 1 final project due. And of course in between now and then I have smaller regular assignments due. It’s typical, but that’s just it. I just have to keep chipping away at it, at least that’s what I keep telling myself. And then the joke was set up. I was emailed about a co-op opportunity from one of the many companies I applied to and got […]
My panic attack (?) subsided after a day. I still feel awful, but that warped feeling in my head’s calmed down a bit. I’m about to have a horrible week ahead of me. The week after that doesn’t seem like it will be much better. The last month of the semester is always hell. And of course it’s the last month of the semester where my depression really starts to suffocate me, so that doesn’t help. Both are so unbelievably linked together, so I always dread this month. Right now I’m being pulled into two different directions. On […]
I’ve already posted this week. I’ve already drained my head out. Things have gotten worse. I can feel it pulling me. I want to die. I need to die. I often have moments of extreme anger and aggression. I think about it for a moment and I realize it comes from the fact that I feel like I have no control over my life. The thing is if I think about it a bit more, I realize I am in complete control of my life. I am pathetic and worthless and won’t amount to anything because […]
My last mind drain was a month ago. I said I might not need this place until May, but I just needed another round of draining out my skull. Lately I’ve been really feeling it. The weight of it. That feeling you get when you know something is going to go wrong but you don’t know what it is. It’s like a feeling at the base of your stomach. You carry it around all day, and it just sits there. I haven’t been on medication for a few months now. I don’t want medication. I’ve gone […]
Been a while since I’ve been here. Just haven’t felt like I’ve needed this place for a bit. But occasionally I just need to dump out the contents of my head. I’ve just been feeling real numb lately. Not sad or angry, just hollow. I’ve been keeping up with school work and I’ve actually been doing things at a reasonable pace. I’m still busy during the week, but I haven’t been overwhelmed by procrastinating on assignments. I’ve been trying to jog lately, but getting the motivation to do it is a pain. I was also doing full […]
I have a little under two weeks before classes start again. This break has been longer than a month, so time has felt like it’s gone by real slowly. When I’m left with nothing to do I start thinking of how about all the things I screwed up. All my failures and odd quirks. I can’t help but think of all the times I ran away from responsibility and the like. All the time I spent worrying about pointless things and how there’s no use changing them. Do you ever get into the habit of doing something that eventually […]
Hey chen. I know I told you can look at any post, but maybe skip this one. Just a thought.
I feely oddly content just being her friend. I told her how I feel and she gave me an answer. Sure I was sad that she said she didn’t feel the same way, but I understood. What with everything going on in her life. Yet, I’m still happy I know her. I still like talking to her and I still care about how she’s doing. I know that in a small part of my mind, I’m hoping things […]
So yesterday my team and I turned in our group project. That makes the second term project for me this semester with one more to go. Overall we got a good response from the teacher. It didn’t work like we wanted it to, but we still managed to satisfy the professor. We probably won’t get the best grade in the class, but we didn’t fail. The thing is that’s not the best thing that I took away from this whole process. I still have a low opinion of myself and think that I will end up as nothing, but […]
I did it. I told my team that I had to leave. I ran away again. I’m pathetic. I always run away when things get hard. I am a coward. I will never be anything. I love spider-man. I love My Hero Academia. I think I love those things, because those characters never give up. I love seeing them get up when everything is against them and win. How they never let themselves fail or run away. That’s what defines them. The get up no matter what. I’m nothing like that. […]
It happened again. It always happens. No matter what it always happens. The small parts of my mind that hold some tiny hope that things will be different are slowly dwindling. I fucked it up again. I’m tired of it. I’m so tired. Tired of being dead weight. Tired of being nothing. I will never be anything. My mind is screaming at me to go ahead and do it. Above all else I just feel sad and angry. Angry that I couldn’t be anything else. Why does it always happen. Why. […]
Here it is again. I mentioned it earlier, but here comes the freeze. The time of year where I give up on everything and don’t move a muscle. Around this time I neglect everything and lose all motivation to do anything. It always happens around the last two months of the semester. I just feel like doing nothing. I have an assignment due by the end of the day and I’m not even a quarter done. I just don’t feel like doing it. I stare at it and stare at it, and I still feel like I […]
It’s come again. It’s winter. I have depression year round, but I can’t help but feel a bit more frigid during the winter. It is the season where things die. I should be working on my group project right now. I’m thinking about quitting it. It’s an extracurricular thing. I’ve been useless throughout the entire process. I’ve contributed next to nothing. I just show up to the meetings and say that I’ll try and do this and that, and I never do anything worth while. I should quit, but it will be another thing I […]
It’s a saying that keeps repeating in my head. It comforts me.
I had a dream last night. I can’t remember the full details, but I remember spending a lot of time with a girl in it. I can’t really remember her face, but she was a bit shorter than me and she had longish hair. Those are the only features I can remember from her. We spent our time just doing menial stuff like buying snacks from the gas station and riding a bus. I really felt like she wanted to be there with me. Like she cared about me. I remember looking at her and she had really […]
It rings in my mind over and over again. You’ll never be anything. When I wake up, when I go to bed, every moment of every day. I think I’m starting to think about it more than I think about her. Like the situation with her, for whatever reason, no matter how much I repeat it, saying it still constricts my heart. I feel like I should be numb to it already. That I should be able to tune it out and hear only white noise. That I should accept my own pointlessness. My nothingness. Yet, […]
I remember one the biggest things I was worried about in my senior year of high school was the fact that in college I would be moving into an empty apartment. I remember writing a post about how I hated my 18th birthday because of it. Now here I am. In an empty apartment. My first year of college I had to stay in the dorm and I had to get one with a roommate. I wasn’t super fond of the guy, but I didn’t hate him either. It was just a pain when he snored and when I […]
I don’t really have any real reason to be posting right now. I just felt like emptying out my head a little bit. This past week has been rough. I scrambled to get an assignment due on time, I keep getting awful grades on these dumb quizzes every class time. I found out all my reports have been getting low grades. Everything just seems to be sliding in a poor direction. I’m not particularly upset about it, because I don’t really have the right to be upset. I gave a shitty effort and got back shitty results. […]