Well, where do I begin?
My life has been a roller coaster and would probably make an intriguing, but sad film.
So, why am I here?
I want to die. Badly. The decision is made and it will be carried out very, very soon. First a few affairs to get in order, then off to eternal sleep.
Why?
In a nutshell…..
When I was teen I was physically and sexually abused by my stepfather in private. He would sneak into my room, when I was asleep, put duct tape over my mouth to stop screaming. Then after each time he would say that “nobody believes […]
It’s taking a lot for me to write this. I’ve had so conjure up the will or energy to even post here again. I feel so hopeless right now. I just want to die already!
God it’s so hard. To think about the shit storm of pain I’ll leave behind. I hate myself for feeling like this. I think people would be sad for a while but at least they’d be able to move on finally and live their lives without having to worry about me or pay for my therapy or my school or anything . My mom could start to fix her marriage […]
I wish everyone would love me so I wouldn’t havw to be hurt anymore…
Their wouldn’t be any misunderstandings, or disagreements, or avoidance, or hatred and so on…
People would understsnd me and love.me forever…
I… what was it agsin that some people said in my last post about a girlfriend?
I should wsit for the girl to come to.me? How? Why? This isn’t Welcome to the NHK, there is no Misaki, I’m trying to be realistic.
How am I going to find people atrracted to.me just by natural persona? Or shoukd I some friendship into something more eith a girl I find?
Well how do you find and make friends…?
I […]
I wonder if there is a cure to loneliness…
I feel nothing but pain. The smile on my face is fake. The happy, carefree woman who was a mascot two consecutive years in high school, who sang for small crowds, who wished for world peace when she was younger, who wanted to be beautiful, has died. There is only a broken, tearful, world-weary woman in excruciating pain. A woman who spends her days crying. Who spends her nights crying. Who can’t take the pain.
I feel like I’m a burden to people, and I want to free them from their burden. I make everyone else sad because I have crippling depression, and I’ve had it […]
What is it?
What is it about me that makes me lesser than?
What is it about me that makes it so that I can’t be as good as her?
What is it about me that makes me think of what she would have done, how she would have done better had she been in my situation?
What is it about me that makes me incapable of being her?
I should be happy. I have everything. Everything I wanted. Everything she doesn’t have.
Almost everything.
She has the grades. The natural talent. The recognition that she is in fact the best.
The recognition that I am, in fact, in second place.
And second […]
Groundhog Day Loop Syndrome
(Image Source: Haruhi Suzumiya (Anime/Manga))
Itsuki: “We’ve entered an endless recursion of time. (x4)”
Intro
(Some rambling, sorry. :()
Sigh… I feel like saying so many things on here. 🙁
Like, most of it is on my profile I guess, but it would be nice to talk about personality stuff to see where everyone is at so I can get to know them, or if they never looked into it, they could to discover themselves. 🙂 Like, Myers-Briggs, the Enneagram, arguably sillier ones like their D&D alignment, […]
This was actually my reply to a comment and I think instead of replying to the person I somehow effectively ranted about my situation and I am too tired to type or think again so I will just paste it here.
I was diagnosed with ADHD and schizophrenia a year back. I was a great student but the indian education system has zero respect for anyone who actually cares about learning so i had to repeat a year and for the past six months i have been getting bullied in college for volunteering to repeat even though I did get the pass marks. My dad […]
Introduction
Here’s a poem I made on Facebook on June 1st, when I really needed to vent. :p
(It’s a bit dark and sadomasochistic, instead of just plain masochistic, I hope that’s okay…)
Not that anyone cares, most people just ghost me…
People usually ignore me or hate me, I’m not sure if anyone is at fault when people leave me or don’t want to talk to me and I’m not sure if I should even care…
I just want to be myself… people are too different from me…
I might […]
Rehearse. Isolate. Survive.
Human nature is fascinating.
Although, every ounce of me already gave up,
I am surviving through this life I so badly want to escape .
I’ve seen so many people, visited so many hospitals, tried so many rx combos, gotten so many different diagnoses and just none of it honestly helps and there is very little tethering me to this planet anymore and I just wish it could be in my hands to decide to let go. No matter where I go or what people say to me to convince me otherwise, I’m left feeling like a stranger on the fringes everywhere I go. I’m alone. I’m deeply unhappy no matter how much I try to change it. And I try so hard
Lyf starts getting bored when u just live for the sake of others… It is very difficult to sacrifice all ur wishes in-order to make others happy… This is what happening in my lyf… I seriously don’t know why its always me!!! Its been more than five years and now am fed up with this lyfstyle… Without being able share my feelings and problems to anyone am mentally distressed… I hate my lyf…. really really hate it!!!
to start: I’m an alphabet soup of disorders. Three of those are bipolar, borderline tendencies (whatever the hell that means), and Asperger syndrome.
My closest support is my partner who is also financially tied to me. And I even feel her slipping through my fingers and this turning into an uncomfortable situation where we only live together because we can’t afford to live without any kind of plan which we currently don’t have and can’t foresee.
I mean. I can easily leave in a month’s time because my mother passed this June and has apparently left me a hefty inheritance. But my partner can’t. She is on […]
I’m trapped. I desperately want to die but doing so would leave my partner in a terrible position financially and as such could lose her daughter and her dog. My mother recently passed and has left me her entire estate in her will. I have been struggling against these feelings for so long and do not want to live another day. I have massive amounts of Seroquel and other rx drugs for the taking and I just want to take a walk to the woods tonight with a case of beer and down as many of them as I can. If I provided a written […]
Have you ever heard of this type of obsession?
My obsession is about constantly questioning my sincerity of what I say, do, and think. I’m really bad with examples but it’s pretty much fixating on my intent towards almost everything, whether that intent was sincere or if I’m just faking it. I can’t convince myself otherwise I just keep doubting and obsessing if I’m doing/saying/thinking something for the reason I initially intended. Idk how to explain it any further because I’m obsessing whether this is a sincere post with the intent being to find others like me or if I’m just looking for attention. That’s really […]
I wish I could go back in time and change a small detail in my life that would change everything. It would be great to grow up and not feeling useless. Maybe I would lived a true childhood and be less cold blooded. Maybe my parents would give me more attention than fighting all the time. Maybe my father wouldn’t humiliated me. Maybe I would be a better person that would be able to be someone useful than only eating and sleeping. Maybe I would never think about to die. All I feel able to do is to cry because I know I’ll never have […]
ALL LIVING THINGS DIE
THE PHRASE RINGS IN MY HEAD
LIKE A PERSISTENT HEADACHE
THE PAIN, THE AGONY
THE COLD DEAD
ALL THINGS IRRITATING
SCRATCHING ABOVE THE SURFACE OF MY SANITY
ALMOST PENETRATING THE CEILING THAT WHICH IS MY INNOCENT HUMANITY
I AM FOREVER BELITTLED
BY MY COUNTLESS MENTAL ILLNESSES
TOO WEAK TO STAND ON MY FEET
FEELING LIKE BEING CRUSHED UNDER A HEAVY ROCK
IT THEREBY ARRIVES
LOOKING DOWN ON ME FROM ABOVE THE DARK
DEATH ITSELF STARES INTENTLY
BECAUSE OF COURSE ANOTHER SOUL WILL BE JOINING IT
PURE MADNESS FLOWS IN AND OUT OF MY BODY
THE BOY FINALLY LOST IT
LIKE SACRIFICING A SOUL TO THE DEVIL
KILL ME! KILL ME! KILL ME!
ALL WHILST QUIVERING
ADRENALINE PUMPING
HEARTBEAT PULSATING
TREMENDOUS ANXIETY AND […]
This is my second post today, forgive me for spamming here..
I just had to rant a bit. I feel so closed in with my own fears and struggles. I feel like there is no real physical person I can talk to. My close friends are just letting me down again and again.
I feel like they can’t understand or comprehend how hard it is to go through what I am going through. I just want to talk to someone who would understand. I barely can find a person like this anywhere.
I’m really sad and I’m struggling to go through each day. I know I won’t quit […]
There are financial problems incoming, that occur due to my mom’s chemotherapy.
There are new negative interview results coming for me. There is the rich dad out there doing nothing to help me.
My so “used to be” best friends are at this moment over the beach having fun with my ex girlfriend.
I have nothing at this moment to support me, there is nothing at this moment to assure my future.
There is just that blind shot of succeeding this bachelor degree in Electrical and computer engineering.
I’m in my second year, and I’m the youngest student. Even tho my age, it is impossible to find others who […]
I was happy. I had a young soul. A boy with full of dreams. A god loving boy. A innocent one.
A boy who used to think that this world is so beautiful and it has no injustice.
I was curious about everything. i wanted to know more and more.
i used to love my life. my world of life was beautiful.
and yes this life can’t even tolerate the injustice a little bit.
and cares everything around him and lifeless
but as curious mind have started to learn more about the world it also started to become more frustrated..
NOW this life is become a stone.
it can’t find way to go […]