When I woke up this morning, I knew I have fallen out of reality again. Everything looks, sounds and feels grey. I have gone through at least 10 YouTube videos where 3 are just repeats of the same video. I have watched 1 encouragement video about money, doesn’t sound encouraging to me at this point. It’s like time have just stopped even while I see the water flowing, the people walking, yet the time is static. Everything is beyond my reach, that’s because I am walking through a black and white movie. I can’t remember the feeling that pushes me forward, the goals that I […]
Category:
Chronic Pain
“Who am I?”
I always ask myself.
And whenever I do
Countless of flashbacks races before my eyes
Telling me that I am this and I am that making me feel uncomfortable on my own skin . Confusing me
“Who are you?”
I ask again
But I don’t really know
“Who are you?”
For the third time I ask myself
And I remember how I used to be
Acting differently between people I meet
And for the last time
“Who are you?” I ask
Still, flashbacks
The memories of me being innocent
Memories of me being a monster
And I ask myself again
“Who am I?”
It’s been a rough couple of years when it comes to my love life. Mainly I was broken up with, because he said he was bored. not only that, but months after the break up I found out that he had cheated on me. So that was two and a half years ago, and now I have pushed away any form of love from anyone. If someone likes me I tell them not to just to keep my feelings safe. I know I’m scared of getting hurt again. But like I also don’t want a relationship because I don’t feel anything for anyone. Like I’m […]
Do you ever feel numb ? The feeling when your whole world seems to fall apart right in front of you and there’s nothing you can do about it . The feeling when you’re all choked up and the words just won’t seem to come out , the tears are stuck, , and they strangle you and all you feel is sole numbness and undescribable darkness in you . The feeling when you’re indecisive do you not care anymore ? Or are you just really tired ? Or is this just a phase that will pass ? The feeling when you’re exhausted mentally , physically […]
i want to live in my head, it’s just so. so. so. comfortable there. it’s like a treehouse with sunshine through the leaves and birds singing and a stream and frogs and flying squirrels and everything is so nice. it’s like the childhood i’d always dreamed of when i was a kid. i want to stay there forever. i’m so tired. i’m so in pain all the time. my body always hurts and there’s so many decisions to make and things to do and i have to keep my room clean and i feel like puking. My head has so much that doesn’t exist and […]
I live everday in complete bliss and darkness. I started off well. Today I don’t want a single thing..not love, pleasure, nothing even life itself. I did everything I ever wanted to do. So why is this? Why I’m I feeling no purpose anymore.Where did i miss something?… or is life itself calling to it’s end.
Once, a couple (who knew of my condition) asked me: “What made you like this? What is it that you fear so badly?”
“Is it pain?”
“Is it death?”
“Must be pain, right? Because you can’t deal with it so that triggered your ‘problem’, right?” What, suddenly depression is the new equivalent of the F word?
“Must be death, right? Because you’re afraid of dying, so you get depressed, right?”
No, it isn’t Pain. Although the fear intensifies our emotional pain.
No, it isn’t death. If anything, people who have the same thoughts as I do right now, Death is a release.
What I fear most is losing (and subsequently, spiralling […]
I work in education. Due to the nature of my work and also where I reside, being diagnosed with depression and anxiety is a serious social stigma that could easily cost me my job and end my career.
Every single day I have to haul myself out of bed.
Every single day I have to put on my ‘happy face’ mask just so my students don’t notice something’s wrong with me (teenagers can be surprisingly observant to the tiniest changes in us.)
Every time when a colleague asks, “How are you, Ms. X?” I’ll have to muster all the strength and courage in me to not burst into […]
I guess it is my escapist nature. Fantasies of disappearing involve places far away. A ship to Antarctica. A field in Montana. A Tibetan prayer tent in the Himalayas. I dream of being far away, and ending there. No one I know can see me, or stop me.
There is no enjoyment now. Disappearing into the vast made up world of media, lying in bed recovering from the physical pain of living, and the psychological pain of those whose time is dying. Why not me? No one suspects. No one would guess. The places I go. So low so low. I want not to exist. Really. […]
Ever let the anxiety sink ,the rage boil up
Ferment the pain, and bottle it up
Reflecting on the past like it ain’t slow enough
Mom’s always sad that I ain’t growing up
Pills help me cope but I’m still fucking up
Fuck going outside, the moon aint show enough
I laugh about death like I ain’t dark enough?
Friends ran away? I guess they stalked enough?
Fam patient with my death like who’s taking what?
keep a sharp angle, latitudes of my cuts
Force you to be strong like you ain’t had enough
have the nerve to ask what’s wrong…
God ain’t fucking […]
even as i write this, it feels like a lie. maybe it is a lie. maybe i’m just desperate for attention. but here we are.
i dont know how i feel. i always think i begin to, but as soon as i feel emotion it disappears. not out of thin air, but i’ll sit and think “is this real? do i feel this? are you sure? are you doing this for attention?” and it kills me. i don’t know who i am or what i think. i feel so disconnected from my body and mind. i feel this way even as i sit and write […]
Decide for yourself. I’m only stating facts.
I lost my beloved cat in 2019, and recovery is slow in coming. He was my child, not just a cat. He was my world. This year has been difficult because I’ve been facing this situation clean and sober for the first time since his death. Drugs and alcohol only delay grief, they don’t deflect it. When I got clean in February of last year, the pain was sitting there, patiently waiting for me, it’s job to make me wish, beg and pray for death daily this past year. I’ve been seeing a therapist to help process the grief. […]
im tired of “living”
im tired of having no personality besides sad and sarcastic
im tired of being comfortable with sadness
im tired of not knowing how to live
im tired of trying to escape my negative reality
im tired of pretending im fine
im tired of being “that guy”
im tired of being that stereotypical nerdy ***** nobody would dream of
im tired of fighting my sad thoughts when they’re right
im tired of talking to people who dont care
im tired of watching greed, malice and ego be rewarded, no matter the field
im tired of existing for other people
im tired of being manipulated
im tired of having feelings
im tired of eating, drinking and sleeping
im […]
I was doing good throughout the pandemic. I had been taking Benzos for over 9 years. I had decided to come off Benzos and start life all over again, because Benzos were now damaging me. In February of 2021, I went to my psychiatrist to get me off these drugs. Instead she put me on another drug that turned out to be more evil called Effexor. I was able to come off Benzos on my own and the psychiatrist cut my benzos refills off. I stopped sleeping and functioning. I then started taking Effexor and after two months of no sleep, I started sleeping again. […]
Maybe, it is me who is my own culprit, it is my fault that I did not act the way I was supposed to in order to survive in this cruel world. Maybe, everything that is bothering me is just an illusion, it is a noise coming from my mind that is making me feel worthless, reminding me constantly of all my flaws and insecurities. Maybe, I wronged myself by having expectations on others, hoping they would understand me, hoping that they will turn out the way I want , hoping they will bring happiness and well-being in my life. Maybe, I should have learned […]
Today I woke up with a stomach ache. Want to know why.? Because the past few days have been a walking nightmare. My government decided on some Covid measures, on which I can’t take the public transportation anymore, even though I rely on it.
I live in a capital city. No, I am not vaccinated, ’cause I don’t trust it yet. In 3 years.? Maybe. (Please, if you have a toxic opinion about that, don’t drag me down even more) I just want that person, who clearly didn’t think about ill or old people who have risks taking it, to suffer. It’s without logic. A few […]
This was something that I thought of when I was at some of my lowest points in life. The idea that if I had a ship capable of interstellar travel, where it could jump to other star systems in a matter of seconds, I wouldn’t have hesitated to use it to leave this world and leave behind a parting message to the world as to why I left.
“Hello, most of you don’t know, I mean why would you, I’m just one mass amongst 7 billion other biological masses of similar nature. But it doesn’t matter whether you know me or not because I’m […]
Im 30, never known my father other than he abused my mom till the day she gave birth to me. I found out hes been in prison since he was 21. Hes 50-something or other…point being i thought i didnt care. How could i? Someone so cruel to physically hurt the mother of their child even after giving birth to said child-thats not man. So why should i care? Recently outta the blue my mom shows me a picture of him for the first time in all my life and now- i dont know how to feel. Its weird, a numb kinda feeling. Like im […]
it sure has been a week. honestly it feels like years have gone by between monday and today, days feel kinda blurred? who knows. my head feels like a cat’s litter box.
food is still kinda difficult; i found my body feels hungry but i have no appetite and honestly not enough energy to actually eat, so there’s that.
at some point this week i found myself crying because for a few days i’d been craving a milkshake, or something like that? but just thinking about having to go downstairs, prepare it, wash the dishes and then drinking it was too much effort, so i […]
I’m back to square one.
Started to feel same shit again.
Mind hurts. It plays. Fuck. Shit.