When death is so near, sometimes it walks on padded feet, strumming the ground like a guitarist, rhythmically – louder – softer, then with fingers on the wood, tap, tap… tap, tap. The sound is everywhere, no one can hear it but the poor fuck. It builds and then suddenly subsides, then as each pebble of doubt and every dark word is cast into the waters of his mind, the song builds again on each ripple. Inside his head each wave combines with the last, getting larger and larger. With the sound of the pebbles dropping into the water, cast by each tap, tap… tap, tap of the syncopating guitarist’s strum, the poor fuck holds his face in his hands trying to stop his mind from throbbing with the tempo.
But its not so much the sound of the padded feet that is maddening, its the unseen presence, the incessant tap, tap… tap, tap, the ripples beating upon the shores of his mind and the knowledge that Death stands over his shoulder. The poor fuck’s head pulsates with Death’s breathing. In. Out. In. Out. Sucking him in. Blowing him out. Breathing him in, hurling him out – cold, icy breaths. The poor fuck lands on the floor, pummeled, bruised, exhausted.
Yesterday when he was spit out the last time, he was nearly catatonic, couldn’t move, limbs stiff, sprawled on his bed, the sheets became straps, holding him – a prisoner. All he wanted to do was hide from the sound. He closed his eyes and sought refuge, but he could still hear Death pacing on padded feet, tap, tap… tap, tap, strumming his every thought, saying to him, “I’m still here, remember why? Do you remember the time when… remember why you are a fool, an idiot, good for nothing asshole, God Damn you, you fuck, you are a fuck!”
With each word a phrase would be built until there was only one conclusion – he is a fuck, a good for nothing idiot, a fool, weak and better off if he were dead. Then Death lifted his wand and the poor fuck became the soloist, marching to Death’s tune, singing Death’s song as his own, strumming his hand on Death’s guitar, with each tap, tap… tap, tap in cadence with the words, “God Damn you, asshole, you fuck, you are better off dead.” With each chorus, the poor fuck would search his memory for new notes for the song – the times that proved he was an asshole, a fuck and God Damn you and shit and fuck. The poor fuck would tap each note out on Death’s guitar, stringing verses together from memories of pain and anguish – all woven in a cadence of tap, tap… tap, tap – his life according to Death’s song. With every chorus the poor fuck twisted Death’s razor wire round his head, sinking it deeper into his flesh, cutting the skin and muscle, blood streamed out in rivulets down his contorted face.
It was an easy song for Death to lead with his baton, standing in front of the poor fuck on padded feet, he had only to strum memories on his guitar. They all lead to the chorus of Death: Die You Fuck. It was a game to Death, the poor fuck would end up dying anyway someday, so Death played out the song on his guitar, strumming the background tap, tap… tap, tap – and the poor fuck would begin to sing, actually carry the song and relish Death’s vision of his life, using his own memories to drive the song its crescendo.
Day by day, from morning till night Death taught the poor fuck the song. The poor fuck sang the discordant melody willingly, and little by little, faithfully, it became his song, the truth of his life, the embodiment of the emotion of his soul. Death was supreme as a Maestro as each day he would lift his baton when the poor fuck awoke, and the first verse was Fuck or Shit and it was followed by a harmony of memories, ending in God Damn. Death kept building the song for the crescendo, when, from the poor fuck’s mouth; with his own fingers the fucker would end the song in perfect tragedy. “Oh,” Death thought, “it will happen soon as the poor fuck sings, let’s see, will it be today as the idiot holds his head in despair? When will the singer succumb to the logical conclusion of the song of his life, the life strung together by my brilliance?”
“Ah, it is coming, you can see it in his eyes, he is now carried by the song, Catatonia, the emotions surging and driving him to madness. Sing!” now Death encourages him, “remember your failures, the love lost, the family forsaken, all done by You, You Fuck, you’re coming to the end of the song… feel it!” The song rises in a movement to perfect destruction; Death waves his baton but still taps out the rhythm on his guitar and moves him toward the end of the scale.
“Remember the failures, remember when… you are a Fuck, why live?” Death sucks him in and then, in a wave of emotion blows him out. The poor fuck is flung on the floor, his head in pain, his voice spent as he tries to scream out the anguish – it is stuck in his throat and comes out in a whimper, his mouth contorts and he weeps –for himself, a poor fuck, God Damn person, good for nothing shit, failure of a man, destroyed, nothing. The poor fuck takes the baton and becomes the Maestro as Death steps aside on padded feet.
The poor fuck replaces the wand with a pistol, eases back the slide and watches the bullet dance in time with Death’s strumming; the bronze shell disappears into the chamber. Nine millimeters of cold steel pressed to his forehead, the poor fuck watches the gun quivering in his hand, black and cold, an end to a poor fuck – he shakes to the tune, tap, tap… tap, tap, faster, faster, faster, the end, he thinks, only a trigger pull away, “Poor fuck, go away, forever, be gone, God Damn piece of shit, it can be over.”
Dancing in tune with Death’s rhythm, he shakes, holding the trigger, ready; Death waits and taps his guitar, “Ready, pull…” “No,” the poor fuck says, “I don’t want it to end like this. This is not the way it is supposed to end….” and his face contorts, writhes in pain, “No!”
“The poor fuck is ruining the song! God Damn it!” Death screams.
“No,” weeps the poor fuck as he cries, tears pouring from his eyes, now wrinkled slits clamped shut against the reality of the cold steel of death.
Tap, tap… tap,…. Death stops the song. He looks at him, disgusted, “you fuck, you piece of shit, you fucked it up, you good for nothing shit head….” Then he calms himself, exhaling cold steel, knowing he has time to finish the song tomorrow. “Yes,” he says, “the song will start again and you, you poor fuck, will sing again and again the words of the chorus: Fuck, you shit, Fuck you, God Damn piece of shit. Then the memories can serve again as verse until the poor fuck is spit out on the floor again and maybe, tomorrow, the bullet will pass into his brain and end his suffering. His blood will ooze from the back of his skull and flecks of brain will dance on the pillow, the wall and the floor. His children will look at him in shock, his parents collapse in grief and a new song can be tapped out in the ears of his sons and daughters as they remember the poor fuck, and I will creep up on them with padded feet and begin to strum their song on my guitar tap, tap… tap, tap, and carry their dark words to their lips.”
But whether he pulls the trigger tomorrow or not doesn’t matter, Death’s song has made him useless, a poor fuck, good for nothing – the singing itself only adds more verse, more strength to the truth captured in the chorus. Death stops strumming his guitar and walks away, on padded feet, thinking that tomorrow will be another day to toy with the poor fuck and that the verse won’t be altered because the poor fuck thinks that he doesn’t want it to end that way.
As the poor fuck lies on the floor, gun discarded next to him, a new rhythm takes shape, and so silent it is not audible, but inside his mind, in the clarity of the exhaustion left behind from his song of Death, the void is filled with despondent relief, a sadness quelled, a new beat, a soft chord, soothing his injury, massaging his bruises. All through the night it played.
The next day, Death returned on padded feet and found a new maestro in his place holding a baton, playing softly, peacefully on another instrument. Death looked at this newcomer with scorn and took up his guitar: tap, tap… tap, tap. The man responded, hearing the song of his soul and said, “Fuck, you shit, asshole, God Damn!” And Death smiled and turned in triumph to the new composer standing by his side. He laughed and called the composer a fuck, a shit, you loser, and then said, “I won, now fuck off.”
The composer looked at him, nonplussed and went on with his song. A chord drifted on invisible notes as the poor fuck was saying, “Fuck, God Damn.” Then the poor fuck heard the new song and stopped singing Death’s song. He said to himself, “What if I don’t say Fuck and God Damn, what if I say good things about myself. What the fuck do I have to lose?” And so the composer smiled and let the music dance, the dark words disappearing in the light of new words, soothing words, encouraging words – good words. Slowly, as the man forced the words from his lips his soul began to feel better and the darkness of God Damn was gone. After a time, he just felt numb, and then the pain began to subside and it was replaced with hope, and… faith, faith that he is not a poor fuck, but a man with goodness, goodness and what? And the anger replaced by faith, and faith encouraged by the light of love.
At this, Death fumed. He swore at the composer and tried to make the poor fuck sing. Death leaned close to him to suck him in, but the man wouldn’t sing, he wasn’t paying attention to Death’s baton. Tap, tap… tap, tap – Death strummed and beat on his guitar, but the man could not hear it would not hear it, he was listening to the other composer, the Maestro of light. Death shrieked, “Stop that God Damn song! Stop it! Stop it! Fuck you! Fuck off! God Damn it, you Fuck, You Fuck! Shit, Fuck you ass hole, Stop that God Damn song!” But the man would not stop listening to the new song and he began to add words of his own, and he renamed himself, in harmony with the new melody, he was no longer poor fuck.
Death, furious, dropped his guitar, took his strong dark words, placed them in his pocket, tucked away the nearly completed composition and walked away, on padded feet.
I’m going to do it I just need to know how to let people down easy. I really can’t stay here. Any ideas on what to write for my mom would be amazing. Thank you!
Tuesday May 1st 2018
Koralie. Or Koraly. Or Korallie. That’s your sister’s name, Maggy.
I like Koralie better.
I want to see you both.
I’m not doing well now.
I took how many pills?
I feel pathetic.
Manilla asked me how I do it.
She’d kill herself if she were me.
If only she knew.
I love you two so much.
I want to meet you both.
And your brother without a name.
I love you three so much.
Because you’re me.
And you’re mine.
And I’ll take care of you.
I want to walk to you.
Talk to you.
Feel your nappy hair rub against my chest as you sleep.
I have to stay alive.
Write my will.
I want to live to love you.
I’m failing everything, my babies.
But you’re there, I hope.
You’re reading this, I hope.
You’re my everythings, you know?
My love, my life, my safety nets.
And you don’t even exist yet.
But you’re the only things that make me happy.
I can’t wait to be there for you.
To love you the way I never loved myself.
But I want to end it all.
Because I can love you,
But I’m not good enough.
I won’t be good enough.
You’ll leave me, too.
But I’ll love you anyway.
But you’ll break my heart.
But it’ll beat for you anyway.
I’m trying to fight.
And you’re worth the fight.
But I can’t fight anymore.
I’m so tired of fighting against it.
But I still love you.
I took 15 pills.
That’s how many.
But I still love you.
hm. i love when my kitten lays and cuddles with me. i love my kitten and i love cuddles with him.
I wonder whether I should retake my antidepressants because I know deep inside of me I don’t want to be a part of this world anymore. I feel like if i retake them again they will kinda give me false hopes and acte like a robot. Sorry for my broken english i’m not an english native speaker.
Here’s my step by step complete guide on how to lucid dream. The most effective way to lucid dream (based on my research and personal experience) which may give you a lucid dream tonight!
This will be a combination of some already known lucid dreaming techniques which are WILD, WBTB, MILD, and FILD. Look it up on Google.
1. Want it.
Yep. Power of the mind. You have to really want it and intend to do it. Try reading a lot about lucid dreaming during the day before you go to sleep at night. Tell yourself that lucid dreaming is easy,everyone can do it, and that you will lucid dream tonight. “Tonight I’m gonna realize I’m in my dream and I will control it.” or something like that.
[Note: visualizing and focusing on the general scenario you wish to dream about (if you have a concrete goal) while you fall asleep the second time can also help, and focusing as solely as you can on that can help to distract from harsh impulses to toss and turn in the bed that you need to ignore in order to enter lucid paralysis- a topic touched on later.]
2. Go to sleep
Just go to sleep normally. Don’t attempt to induce lucid dream straightaway, it might lead to insomnia. Mind that you might have to have a good sleeping pattern first.
3. Wake up 2 hours before your normal wake up time
Set your alarm clock. If you usually wake up at 6 am, set the alarm at 4 am. I found that 4 am is best for me (after going to bed at 9.30 pm that night)
[Note: some sources claim that it’s better to directly attempt to go lucid the first time you fall asleep, and that may be true for a select few but it is actually far less successful. Just make sure you don’t have any urgent activities to attend next morning as it may be difficult to gauge time in the dream-world and wake yourself up in time without another alarm or outside stimuli to remind you, etc. etc.]
4. Stay up for 30 minutes
Try not to look at your phone or laptop screen. Sometimes I don’t know what to do to spend those 30 minutes either. Drink a glass of water, go to the toilet, I don’t know, anything to keep you from falling back to sleep.
5. Go back to sleep
Now you can do this in 2 ways.
-> The first is just to simply go back to sleep.
-> The second is to induce lucid dream using WILD technique. We’re going to trick our body to think that we’re asleep eventhough our mind is actually still awake.
Go to bed and lie down on your back. Arms on your sides and feet not touching each other. Don’t move. Don’t scratch (unless it’s unbearable, go on and go back to position), don’t swallow (there’ll be an illusion of a building saliva and that you should swallow it, try not to. Swallowing will tell your body that you’re still awake. However, it’s not that prohibited. I found that swallowing is kind of alright. The key is to let it pass and not to concentrate on it.).
Sometimes it’s hard staying awake, because you may not think too much but may not fall asleep as well. If random thoughts pop up, just “look” at it but don’t interact with it. To stay awake, I usually do FILD (Finger Induced Lucid Dream) by imagining movements of my middle fingers and then my index fingers, like playing two keys on a piano. Middle finger pressing on the bed; middle finger lift. Index finger press; index finger lift, and so on.
Then these will happen:
1. You will enter sleep paralysis. In which you can’t move your body but you’re still awake. Breathing gets heavier. Some people find this scary, so I suggest thinking positive and remembering that sleep paralysis is normal and it happens every night. Your body does it to prevent you from moving and injuring yourself during sleep.
2. You will hear hallucinatory sounds (or even images). I usually hear music or birds tweeting. Mind that these sounds will be very very real, vivid, and sometimes loud.
3. You will enter the hypnagogic state. You’ll see colours and shapes through closed eyelids. Just watch it but don’t interact with it.
And there’s a missing link in which I assume I simply let myself fall asleep altogether.
6. You will enter the lucid dream
There are 2 ways :
1. Out Of Body Experience (OBE)
In which you wake up in your bed, do a reality check (pinch your nose and try breathing through it, if you can breathe means you’re in a dream [again, pushing your finger through your palm or trying to see through your closed eyelids also work great!]). Yep you’re in a lucid dream now. I usually go and fly from my balcony after the reality check.
You’ll see shadows which will become more and more vivid, turning into a whole dream scene. Yep you’re in a lucid dream now.
Enjoy. Try to control your dream using the power of your mind.
[Note: There’s a few methods to getting your “cosmic” and real body to separate- one being sitting up, and another more reliable one is using false “magnets” created by your mind and placed above your chest and limbs to kind of hoist you upwards out of your bed, with less risk of actually sending messages to your real body to try and move. Pretty cool, huh?]
Some tips to stabilize your lucid dream when it’s fading:
– Rub your hands together
– Spin around
– Touch things, from your shirt to anything around you.
1. If All Else Fails
If you have tried everything above but keep failing,try this way that works for me all the time. So, after you wake up naturally, go to the toilet etc. Then go back to sleep and attempt to do WILD (Wake Induced Lucid Dreaming). You must be in a comfortable state and (as much as you can) not hearing noises from outside. And while usually you try to concentrate on staying awake, this time try to concentrate on falling asleep. Fall asleep conciously.
[Note: certain positions are also better to relax the body quicker and fall asleep easier, but you may not need to use these. Also, if you have long hair, putting it into a ponytail, braids, or a bun might help with potential itchiness or discomfort caused by it that could snap you out of relaxation.]
2. The (Not) Scary Part
So I recently found why some people are scared during sleep paralysis. I once saw a giant metal creature like the combustion villain in the movie Thor. And I once experienced feeling dragged down by vines during sleep paralysis. Now the key, is to stay positive. Everytime you feel or see anything disturbing or scary during sleep paralysis, calmly tell yourself that it’s all not real. Relax and say in your heart, “Pfft, this isn’t real. Stop it. Imagine beautiful flowers and focus on other things. Peaceful thoughts.” using a badass tone as if you don’t care. It’s all in your head so keep a positive attitude. Don’t panic and take control.
3. How To Resume
Sometimes while you’re in the middle of the dream it just fades to black. The easiest way to resume it is to stay in position and imagine the last scene/view before the blackout. Usually the scene will emerge from the darkness and poof you’re back.
4. Tips & Tricks
I found that it’s easier to induce LD during naptime. Or when you’re taking a nap while being sleep deprived.
I wrote about eating in a lucid dream here
That’s all from me. Have a nice dream.
[Oh, and fun fact: dreams are created by a powerful drug released deep in the center of your brain- and is actually a highly illegal substance if used as a recreational drug bought from a dealer (who I’m afraid to ask the source of their merchandise). Basically whenever you dream, you’re on drugs but can’t face any legal charges, lmao]
[but really don’t do drugs kids unless it’s your antidepressants because you owe it to yourself to stay happy and healthy <3]
I’m eyeing this blade that I pulled out of a pencil sharpener…. It sucks, I hate it and it sucks, it just doesn’t do enough for me. I tossed pretty much everything else I have into the trash a long time ago and never really bought anything back, my xacto blade broke so badly and is so dull that it can’t even do anything anymore, it’s just a dull piece of metal so all I have is this little blade from a pencil sharpener, hey at least my xacto served me one last time by unscrewing the scree on that pencil sharpener that the screwdriver wouldn’t fit, I should thank it for that. Meh I’m rambling again.
I’m really considering doing this, even if all I have is this stupid little thing, I’m sure well I know it can do enough to scar at least, but last time I didn’t cut deep enough when I tried this because I am a little ***** and was too afraid to really put effort into it. But I should I know I should, I need a scar there, I know it I know that I deserve it, I’m a horrible person and I deserve to have a fucked up face, it’s not fucked up enough yet, I tried before and it’s pathetic and barely noticeable I guess I was afraid of living a life with a face as bad as my hands are, but I need to stop being a little ***** about it and just keep trying, with enough dedication I can do it. I hate that I’m slowly falling back into cutting…. I haven’t really done much on my arms though since restarting, they didn’t really feel anything and they’re already ruined, being covered in scars, and I can hide those scars, sure they’ve already ruined my life to some extend but not enough not as much as I need them to, I can’t really hide facial scars. Maybe this will help drive the few people away then I can finally stop having reasons to be alive.
My life is going fine, but my mental state is deteriorating.
I feel myself getting more and more paranoid. I keep getting weirder and more horrific intrusive thoughts. Some of them I can’t even say. Some of them are ones that make me do odd things, like, “If you don’t wash your hands for exactly 20 seconds you will kill everyone in the world.”
My depression and anxiety are getting worse. I’m relapsing constantly in self harm. I want to cut deeper but I always end up pussying out of it, out of fear of receiving more pain than I want to give myself.
I feel like I’m withering like a dead rose. The petals have hardened and one wrong touch will send me crumbling.
Not a day goes by now where I don’t think about killing myself. I feel like it’ll be my way out of this misery because I won’t be able to get professional help until I move out, and that won’t be for probably another 4-5 years at the least. I’m afraid I won’t be fixable by then. Stress from college is stressing me out too. I’m only 17.
I just want the pain to end. I want the voices to stop. I want the suffering to stop. I want to be normal. I want to feel sane. I want to feel mentally healthy and strong. Right now I am brittle.
my girlfriend broke up with me.
she says she is scared to hurt me.
afraid I will get too close
but she said she couldn’t be in a relationship right now
her parents are making her pay for rent.
she is 16
I am hurting for her
I can see her childhood going
she is getting a second job to pay rent to her family
they are not poor
she is assembling documents and researching emancipation
I cant do anything
I can see her falling apart
she is seeing this guy.
they have a
It’s been a while since I’ve last been on here. As a matter of fact, it has been a while since I’ve confronted myself about what is going on around me. For the most part, I blame it on school. I have loads of work to do and having to balance it while also dealing with my parent’s bullshit takes up all my time. I guess part of the reason I have not been putting anything on here is also because I fear someone finding out that this account belongs to me. Anyways, things have been all over the place. I have relapsed twice last month and as of today, I am six days clean of cutting. I held on for about 180 days and I didn’t cut but I just kept on feeling numb. At this point I can say that I no longer care, I do not think I am ever going to completely stop cutting. If not cutting, I self harm using other methods. To be completely honest, I do not know how much I have put out there but I’m going to start by saying that I had a set plan. I was not in the country and before I left I told myself that on the day I was supposed to come back I would take my life, but unfortunately I did not. I have nothing to hold on to anymore and I just do not seem to have a purpose.
On a side note, I got my ears pierced a few days ago without asking my parents for permission. Where I live, it is totally legal and you do not need your parents consent as long as it is on your ears. I have asked my mom whether I could get them pierced before but she kept on saying no and although I tried convincing her she wouldn’t listen to me and she would just shut it down. At one point, she was fine with it and told me it is your choice but I know she said it to send me away. Finally, when I went out with a friend, I gathered enough courage to get more piercings. We were at the mall, and I suggested it since there was a pharmacy that would do them for around 16$ for two holes. She called her mom to ask whether she could get it done and her mom said she could only get one. On the other hand, I saw no point in calling my mom because first, she had no idea that I was at the mall since my parents would never be okay with me going out with a friend on my own to the mall. Second, I knew it was a hopeless case and she would say no. Third, I stand to believe that it is my body and it belongs to me which means I am free to do whatever it is I want to do with it, so I did not need her permission to do something to my body. As ironic as it sounds, I was not put into her in order to serve her, if that makes sense. After getting them done, I told my older sister and she said she was glad I finally got them done since she knew how much I have been wanting them. I kept my ears covered for the past few days but I forgot to do so today. I had just finished working out and my mom was calling my siblings and I in order for us to have lunch. I hurried and forgot to put my hair done so when I was half way done with my lunch, my mom asks me whether I got my ears pierced and frightened I say no, she gets up and asks again so I said yes. She came closer and started hitting the place I got pierced and I told her to stop because it hurts. She kept on hitting me while asking where I got them and how. With my dad just sitting there, I lied and said I got them when I went with them to the mall, since I visited the mall the day after getting them pierced but with them. She kept on implying that obviously I’ve done worse shit without them knowing. I continuously told her that it is my body, however, she asked over and over again what people would think of me now since I had more than three piercings. That set me off, I just hate it so much because all people care about over here is what others have to say about each other. If I do end up not killing myself, I just hope I get out of here. For those of you wondering, all my dad said was that it was because they give us a monthly allowance, which is literally the only thing he provides for us so he can fucking continue spending his money on hookers and trying to cover up how big of an asshole he is. Yes, my relationship with my parents is based off of lies. They lie to me and I lie to them. There is no point in trying to be honest with them because they are the least understanding people and most probably the biggest hypocrites out there. I still remember when I was about 7-9 years old, my mom would force me to sleep and if I wouldn’t sleep she would tell me that she would call my dad and let him hit me. Often, it happened and I think it is why I fear just speaking to my dad.
The sickness came
We didn’t know
what it was, or
if it would stay or go.
The doctors said,
“She won’t stay long”
but we still hoped
that the were wrong.
Then she went
she flew away
God took her home
She’s there to stay.
When she went
I fell apart
it pierced me through
just like a dart.
Picked up back habits
I knew they were bad
had no other explanation
other than that , “I’m sad.”
Changed my life
the way I lived
most of it
was not what I wanted.
My dad told me,
“Think about you Mom.”
‘When she’s looking down at you
is she proud of who you’ve become?’
My friends told me,
“Keep your head up,
You’ll be fine.”
How could they know
What’s next in line.
*just a poem I wrote late year when my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and passed. It’s not done but I wanted to share it:/
They asked me.
“Why do you cut yourself?”
They asked me.
“Why are there scars in your body?”
They asked me.
“Are you crazy?”
They told me.
“Attention seeker at its finest.”
And i sighed. Breathed heavily and walked away.
Whats the good in telling them what my demons tell me what to do, it’s better to keep my insanity to myself.
Because it’s better keeping everything inside rather than telling the world who doesn’t know how to listen.
This probably isn’t uncommon but i drink more then i should, no one knows i hide at night with a bottle of vodka and drink until i can’t feel or don’t remember. I also smoke weed, people think i do it to be cool but i really do it because i want to escape the pain and again. All of this started after i stopped cutting so i think i should go back to cutting but i really don’t know. Is all this really bad considering that i’m 15 i really don’t know and i don’t know what to do anymore.
I am here. Simply as it is that. For few months, I was thinking that nothing is truly last. I lost someone, a good friend who I care and love very much. The last person, I would expect to lose. It takes me a while for me to recover from that loss. I didn’t want to believe it is my loss. Now I accept it happens to me and it does not matter if I deserve it or not. I simply lost someone and it affects my life in good and bad ways. I still have hard time to look at something I love such as art I enjoy so much come with stabs in the heart. I used to do everything relates it to that person. I feel the lonely but same time it shows how much I don’t pay attention to myself enough. I finally get my hair cut as I want it to be. I finally get my own car and I am able to drive and go to work. I actually meet some new friends and finally explore more sexual side that I very much needs. I have joined a certain large group that I have dreams to join for so long and was too scared to do so. But now I am part of that amazing world and it really does help with my self-esteem and my identity. It makes me accepting who I am now. I am still struggling to see myself not as a toxic, awful person but a really good person with a hopeless big heart. I really am a good person.
I already accept that I made mistakes and accept that I did act on the toxic behavior I wish I didn’t. I was out of control and was a sad person who took a break from school, overwhelming with everything changes and plus with her father in a hospital… I was trying hold on the last person too tightly and broke her. I accepted I did that and forgive myself for it. I do hope that person would too someday.
I am still hurt that I lost her to other ex-friends. Last two weeks, I was travel to New York and Washington DC. I did a lot of thinking and went on tour. I have so much fun with my friends. With my good friends, we chat and have fun as if it is like I never left. I am thankful to have them to remind me that I am not that evil person I thought I might have becomes. I am someone who is too hard on herself. And I am ready to change that. I am sick of it.
In few days I will be home, and I am ready for a long sleep and wake up to a new morning. I notice my body improves and only shaking two times a month. That is a huge improvement…
I will edit this later but yeah. Things get better for me.
Don’t judge too harshly, I’m new at violin xc music in one of the only things that keep me wanting to live some days so I thought that I would share a quick video like I used to a year or so ago… I’m sorry I’m terrible at it, I’ll try to post another one when I get better at it! (This is also learned be ear so I doubt every note is correct..)
Darkwillow studios is not responsible for any burning, throbbing, or agonizing pain you may experience in this video. If you have experiences one of these symptoms in the course of this video, please contact your doctor immediately. If depression or thoughts of suicide further increase due to the contents of this video, (I’m pretty sure it did for me), you may quality for a quarter of your money back. (And by that I don’t mean 25 percent, I literally mean a quarter.) Because of the terrible playing, going death in both ears is a common result from this cover. If you find that you cannot hear after this, the effects should wear off witching 6-7 business days. Thank you for choosing darkwillow studies. Batteries not included.
- Sport: in specific times, and one who fits current physical state.
- Writing: write your current state and goals.
- Meet people/go outside.
- Managing time right: taking in mind physical state, mental state and current attention level.
Cognitive: (thoughts and mind)
- Focus on the knowledge that it is a re current state, and you had went through it before.
- Think and imagine tools for solutions.
- Accept what bothers you as a life obstacle that you can solve and solving it would give you great pleasure.
- Imagine the way you have done and think of the achievements you gained so far.
- Bring goals to consciousness, be aware of your reasons to do things 24/7.
- Imagine an outside Point Of View at your life, and give yourself feedback (only constructive feedback).
Hope it helps.
Yours – Jac.
My story has gotten quite a bit worse since last May and my last post. Still on felony probation. I managed to fail upward and drop dirty for weed on another like 5 tests in the last year. Got a PTR for it. Been fighting that since December. The judge was actually a sorta decent human being and told me to stop getting high and he would let me complete my probation. Asking me to stop getting high is like asking me to stop breathing. So I quit weed and started snorting dope. Heroin… I got in a car accident a while back so I got a Vicodin script. It’s fucking hilarious. They are so proud of me for not smoking weed. I’ve shown them 2 “good” tests now weed free and when it says I come up for opiates it’s all good cause the doctor gave me a script…only 12 5mg pills but that’s 12 excuses “as needed for pain” good for a whole year. I got my paper shield to tell them to piss off. What most people don’t realize is that Heroin can only be detected as different from other opiates for 12-18 hours after last use. If I know or think I’m going to have to go for a test all I have to do is not do dope the day of or I can make poppy-seed tea. I was supposed to be done with probation on February 16th. I didn’t get all my community service hours done 78 out of 200 done and I been doing this sober living class for 100 hours credit. I’m living in a different county than this case so of course the class I graduated from in my county when I go to court last time the other county person that supervises me is like oh that class isn’t compatible how many more months do you need to do another 122 hours and I’m like wtf are you talking about. I was told this was an equivalent program. Turns out the prosecutor is actually a semi decent person too seeing as I’m being such a good boy. He was like no-no he’s supposed to get credit and wrote up a court order to get me credit for 100 hours. I went to that class high as a kite on heroin almost every time. It’s ironic that I’ve kicked my “weed addiction” by using heroin.
I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago because she was selfish as fuck and judgemental. We argued about the same thing we argue about every 3-4 months for the last 5 years. She says she can’t be with someone who does drugs and that she can’t be around it. I told her as soon as I’m done with probation I’m going to start using weed again every day. She made me choose her or drugs so I obviously choose drugs. Drugs make me feel good and she makes me feel bad. Easy choice. I said this isn’t like it’s news I’ve been telling her forever that I use weed and will continue to do so. I haven’t told anyone about the heroin. It’s a dirty shameful addiction and of course nobody that hasn’t done dope really understands. I guess curiosity killed the cat. After many times watching people do and being offered more than once and clearly because the dope fiends wanted me to be more inclined to giving them a ride for the shit I tried it anyway. I’ve been chipping it for 6 months now. I can’t afford a daily habit even if I wanted to but I know how shitty it is to go cold turkey. Worst flu I’ve ever had and knowing you can make it better in a flash is even worse. Heroin is the most addictive thing I’ve ever tried. I don’t smoke cigs so I can’t compare it.
I’m so sick of being used by everyone I’ve ever met. I let my girlfriend abuse me for years. I was just her sex object. She would use me for her pleasure and leave me sexually frustrated as soon as she got hers… She was a whore for attention. Good bad didn’t seem to matter to her. She constantly asked me if I thought she was fat (she runs marathons) or if she was pretty. She understood me I guess and that’s why I didn’t leave her before. She could be a complete sweetheart and at other times be a cold heartless ***** to protect herself from rejection or whatever. The longer we were together the more she seemed to think she could use me as her emotional punching bag. I never responded to that in a positive way. If she was abusive to me I would ignore her for days or whatever till she apologized. I cut her off of the attention she wanted by throwing these tantrums. I guess I’ve grown and she just stayed the same or even went backward.
I guess what really hurts is that I loved her more than she loved me. I accepted her for who she was and she gave me ultimatums. That never ends in me doing what someone wants. I just can’t live with letting someone run my life.
I wish I was dead. It’s all I think about. The closer I get to putting my life back on track the more I try to fuck it up and the more I want to just give up. I’m so tired. I’m tired of being a decent person to everyone I meet and that kindness and generosity being mistaken for weakness. My heart just isnt into being an asshole. People keep trying to take advantage.
I wonder how my shitty friends and rapist are doing being able to go to school and finish their degrees and accomplish their dreams right now? They don’t care the depression they put me through one bit. I bet they’re happy poor little depressed girl is not there to put a damp to their party. I bet others that don’t know of all the struggles my life has put me through laugh at how much of a failure I am. I bet all their futures look so bright while I sit here dim and dull wishing an everlasting night. Oh if I had known that my life would have ended up like this …. :”(. Why is it the hand tends to loosen so much every time I want to glide a knife through my wrists? The temporary scratches I used to make aren’t working to make me numb anymore.
Hi guys its goooodguyyy!:D
i know i said that i won’t be back until i do the exam. but i just checked sp i thought maybe its good if i talk about the way i was doing these months.
yeah i said i was trying to make a difference and a change in me and my life and since then i have failed 23 times(today is counted). i have tried and failed,tried and failed:D. well, i know im not perfect but i am forgiving, i may not be where i should be but im making progress, im moving forward im not where i used to be 🙂
since then i have downloaded so many motivational videos(20). i watch them whenever i feel the need and when the stupid feelings come.”beinspired” the yutube channel is very good.i listen to so many speeches of les brown. Les is 73 and i really want to meet him before he is gone.
this video is really really good. please watch it 🙂
if you are a little tired and don’t like the motivational shouts and stuuff, watch it from minute 7. its the best part of it )
nowadays i think that 19 years of my life has past so fast, and now my mom and dad are 47 y/o my uncle is 50, grandma is 65 (and so many other people that i love) and in a blink of an eye passes another 20 years… and (im fine something just went in my eye 😀 ) and these people may not be around anymore then… and i will be so sad:(. since im thinking this way, every moment is good and the very best moment i have in a day is when we’re having dinner and family is together. i try to be more thankful to my mom and dad and others. be more polite and …
i workout, drink 2 cups of coffee per day(around 7-8 am,5-6 pm), spread love, be positive, be wishful, be patience, be happy, be thankful, make better music, try to study better and …
we live only once, and a life can be happy if you want to.
the world is in the way it is and i have only one life, so at least i try to live a good life :). as joel osteen says:” life is too short to go through it with negative things holding us down.”
every time i want to check sp, im worried about something.
the thing is to see if a friend has done “it”.
so i don’t check usually. sorry this is the way i am because i really like to meet you guys in person and if “it” happens, thats not good:l.
but the good thing is to see that some people are still around:).
still caring and still helping eachother to make a better living.
now im worried about clippedwings. she is like my second mother. i really like the way she talks to everyone. i have learned a lot from her.
wish she is fine right now.
love you all
ps: sorry guys if i didn’t reply back to your comments in the last post.