I’m angry with my mother because I recently discovered that she violated my privacy very badly, which she had no right to do. I’ve been on the fence about confronting her for days now, but I just haven’t gained the courage to do so. I thought today was gonna be the day, but when I had the chance I froze up and was filled with anxiety, so I stayed silent. I don’t know if I could handle the tension of living here after confronting her because the soonest I could possibly move out is several months away. I’m frustrated with myself because I want her […]
I just want to know to compare with my own perspective, have you passed through a traumatic event to it to begin? or did it just crawl little by little on your mind? did you feel like this when you were a child?
Just to make me clear, i don’t want you to feel bad about this, if you don’t feel secure to talk about it, please don’t.
For me, it begun when i was really little, about 5 to 6 years old. I remember just looking at the sky and wanting to disappear, i didn’t have the concept of death, I just had the […]
Don’t use smiling as a coping mechanism.
I have grown to hate my smile. Back in middle school, i tried to cope with the depression attacks by smiling. Because, having a flash of inspiration, I thought i’d be able to get through it if i smiled. Because you smile when you’re happy, right? Idiotic thought, really. As befitting of a naive middle schooler. I never considered how creepy it’d be until after it became a habit.
I started to smile whenever i was hurting, whenever i cried and whenever it became unbearable. Memories of me smiling became the scariest and most unsettling nightmares for me.
I really hate […]
i dunno what to name this, you don’t have to read. just something i wrote…
They tell you “you’re not alone”
but why am i staring at my dry ass phone?
sitting here wishing this house was a home.
room full of people but my mind takes over and i feel by myself.
they tell you “you should reach out for help”
but opening up I pour to much and drowned everyone that wants to care.
then you hear other people’s problems talking about how their life isn’t fair.
when your life’s been a battle since your very first breath.
every day in your head, thinking […]
Ever have these (VERY) rare days, where you’re actually all cheerful and think, today is gonna be a good day? Well, fuck that.
These days seem to always go wrong for me and people never believe me, when I tell them, that being positive just fucks up my life even more…
This day was unbearably chaotic and it’s not even lunchtime. I tried smiling and being social and brave but each step that went wrong, my smile just grew weary. I don’t know where to even put that negativity that brushed over this little happy day. I don’t know how to feel..
Mad, that my […]
I don’t know where to start. Sometimes it’s just like why do I even bother. There are days when people say hey how are you feeling or you know hey how’s your day going? And it’s like what am I supposed to say that slowly dying on the inside that I’ve been secretly contemplating suicide lately? That I don’t even know how I get out of bed in the morning if it wasn’t for muscle memory I’m sure I would just lay there. Luckily for work I’ve been able to mask my feelings by putting on the facade. I can go and smile at people […]
Ok so me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 years and some change. I have not been the best boyfriend but I got myself together and made huge changes that I knew I needed to make. So last week I scroll through and see that she is in another relationship with another guy. I felt so much anger and sadness. It was a pain that I couldn’t describe but I wanted it to go away.
It hurts more because due to certain circumstances we were at her parents house and now its just me. She comes back and we cuddle and she says she […]
I started cutting again. I stopped for a while but started again and it feels like it’s going to get worse. I’m so tired.
One thousand, one hundred and fifteen days have gone by since we discovered you were no longer a part of this universe, our universe. It has gotten easier to process but it’s still not easy. The shock of it never ceases. It is still surreal. How can I summarize in words the cluster of pain we feel everyday given your absence? Let’s see. The reality that you are missing and missed our daughter and son’s 16th birthdays, his phenomenal […]
The crazy fact is that I still cling on to life with the lowest amount of optimism I have left which is why I desire someone would murder me to make the process significantly easier.
In the past, I would have suicidal thoughts but they were manageable through the gym, talking to a mentor/girlfriend and minor successes in life. Now those coping mechanisms don’t even work, they just numb my thoughts for a short period of time and then reverts to a way which I would describe “A squirrel anxiously on cocain divining the bleak future”. The truth is I don’t want to die but neither […]
In the midst of another outbreak of depression, I found this website through the magical wonder that is Google Chrome. Apparently, searching terms idly such as, “can i just die” and, “does my life matter” actually aren’t completely useless. Let’s start with some basics. My name is Adam. I am 15 years old as of writing this. My mother passed away due to complications regarding lung cancer about a year and a half ago, leaving my already dysfunctional family fractured in an injury that seems beyond healing. I struggle with severe social anxiety, which I believe to contribute a great deal to my […]
I was talking to my friend today about this and he said that yea I have been an asshole lately and he knows that’s not who I am but everyday I have to try harder and harder not to do something offensive or be an absolute dickhead. I don’t know why I used to always think of myself as the nice guy but for some reason I can’t help it.
That pain you’re feeling is real and valid. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. No one has to earn any sort of “right” to feel how they feel. And, no one has the right to tell you what you feel is wrong, or that you should hide your tears. Every day, is a fight to live. It takes a great deal of strength to feel. I won’t be shamed into behaving as if everything is okay, as if I am not breaking.
I think it’s time I shed my skin
after 5 years
of no contact
or rather
a very little contact
I had with her.
I remember the early days
staying underground
under the Silent Hill
pondering
How in hell could that been
such an easy goodbye
after countless nights
of being together.
I knew about her predators
living outside
and I was worried
like.. really worried.
I remember the very beginning
the hardships
of making through to the next night.
And then the next one..
And the next..
At the time
She was my only friend.
I had to protect her by any means.
We argued sometimes
Not […]
I swear I had all the preparations done. Everything was in place. The method, the suicide letters to my family and friend, the timing.
Out of the blue I receive a message from the other side of the world. A 30-minute conversation has thrown my suicidal ideations out of the realm of “must” and into the chaotic reality of “should” and “can”.
I thought I had found my way out of the wilderness into the dark. Suddenly there’s a light. An unavoidable brightness lighting the path of a monster (me) that was blind to all else for too long.
Am I imagining this? Is my mind/body fighting so […]
Can I ask you a question? What the fuck?
You started this whole dramatic chain of events that completely threw my entire world out of balance. Of course like the Piscean that I am, I sat here and mentally dissected the entirety of what happened and I’m even more confused.
You claimed that I was the most amazing person that you know. “I have always been in love with you” and “you’re perfect” were just some amongst the gallons of word vomit regurgitated at me on a daily basis.
Everyone likes compliments. Maybe I kept you around to hear them. I don’t know. But anyways.
My reasons for not […]
I’m so happy.
Not about my life, nor that I found reasons to live longer now.
I’m just so happy and so proud about most of you.
I was so afraid sometimes that I wouldn’t find anyone among the commoners that think like me. I didn’t meet anyone, among 1 thousand people I might have met in my life until now, among friends, friends of friends, dating apps/websites, co-students, forums, … that actually thought like me or at least understand my suffering and how lonely I feel. How deeps is the abyss of my soul. Which result by having to fight every day, at least […]
If I went back to who I was, what is the worst that could happen. The old me was so happy just living. Yet for some reason i’m scared of being normal again. It’s been years since I was happy just being alive and going through the motions of life. Then it took one girl to unravel my life, that’s bullshit and I know it. Still there’s something holding me back…
I am actually doing it I am leaving him. I got approved for an apartment today and can move in next week. Its in the same complex as one of my work friends so I have support and she can help me watch out for him. I am also getting him to sign something saying he wont take the dogs from me, and within a year I can file for divorce and really be done. I don’t care about anything else. I don’t have any furniture or anything else for that matter but i don’t care im done with the abuse and even if im […]
It was weird seeing things I wrote 4 years ago. In so many ways, I have come a long way. In so many ways, I have stayed the same.
So I was V.C.333 when I was here before. I have no idea what that name means, or where I got it from. I just went back to the time I was around here before and found the posts.
Things are not as bleak and hopeless as they seemed then. I was on a lot of medication then for fibromyalgia and neuropathy. I went to a new doctor, and she said that before she would see me, I […]