The effects of suicide on family and friends.
Family & Friends Effects
Im sick and tired
At times like this i miss you
I miss you so much
I collect all the pieces
Trying to make it into a nice picture
But its too sharp
But maybe not
Its just sharp for me
I want to be hurt by myself
I donr want to drag you in it
You have such a bright future
So you dont deserve person like me
I should end it
Its going to be my last time
When i meet you
I want to say
You know actually you are cool
And handsome when you are focused
And thats why i dont want to ruin it
I dont want to ruin your smile
I should end it
I’m a 50 year old female who has never really lived and probably never will.
Look, I know I should take responsibility for my mistakes and failings but I feel trapped. It’s like I’m in a prison and there is only one way I’m getting out and that’s death.
It all started when I was 6, that’s when my step-father started molesting me. When I was 7 I told my mother what he was doing, that was the day she started beating me. When I was 12 he wanted to do more than fondle me and pleasure himself, when I said no he got into a mood and was angry with everyone. My mom asked what was wrong and I told him (btw she did nothing to stop him and never confronted him), she beat me until I agreed to do whatever he wanted.
That started the cycle, me trying to keep the peace making everyone else happy by sacrifing myself. Fast forward into my late teen years and that’s when I started eating myself to death. Call it comfort food or eaten nag my feeling or whatever, but food was is my drug of choice. Figured if I’m fat nobody would ever love me and guess that’s true.
I’m 50 and still live with the man who molested me and the woman who allowed him to. I stayed even when I had a great job and was making enough money to leave. Why? Self sabotage. As soon as anything was going well for myself, I’d mess it up and get fired or just change jobs. In the meantime I just kept getting fatter.
Now it’s all caught up with me…see I never put any money aside. I’d spend it as fast as I made it trying to buy people’s approval. My parents, brother niece and nephews, co-workers who have been my only friends in adult life until I change jobs. I ran up credit cards which ch was fine when I had the money to pay them, but what happened when there is no money. When I can no longer work because of health reasons caused by weight?
All those years I financially help my parents now I’m living off them. My choice is live on the street or be dependent on them. I have horrible credit, no “real friends”, very little family and no financial means to be ake care of myself. I filed for disability 2 years ago and was denied. Weighing nearly 409lbs, having high blood pressure, diabetes, a bad heart valve, chronic asthma and bronchitis as well as needed both knees and 1 hip replaced along with clinical depression was not reason enough to need assistance. I also do not qualify for any kind of assistance or healthcare. So I have all of these health issues and cannot see a doctor. I screwed up my life.
There is no way out without living on street or just die. My mother and I found fight constantly and she plays my step-dad like a fiddle. Who would of ever thought that of those two toxic relationships the one I have with him is the healthiest and best of the two?? She is a diagnosed as bi-polar with narcissistic tendencies. Tonight she had one of her fits, because my brother has the audacity to want a relationship with his 18 year old son. My mother did everything she could to undermine his relationship until my nephew was 14, that’s when my ex-sister in law took both kids away from all of us and left the state. 2 days ago they knocked on our door after 4 years, we should all be happy right now but my mother wants my nephew all to herself. Otherwise he’s not welcome in her house and my step-father is taking her side. We have all been miserable since we lost both kids and now we have another chance and they’re ruining everything. So she hits me during one of her tantrums and I push her down into the sofa using the palm of my hand on top of her head. Don’t like being hit or have things thrown at me and I’m told that she can hit me and I can’t defend myself. I’m also threatened to be thrown onto the street, reminded that I’m a horrible daughter and worthless human being. They pay my car insurance right now, so I’m told when I move out I cannot take my car which I paid for. I can only take what I can carry, although I paid for all my clothes, etc… And then I’m told not to leave or they’ll call the police and tell them I hit my mother, which I didn’t…she hit me and I pushed her down to defend myself.
Suicide sounds like a way out of this vicious cycle. Because the only difference between tonight’s madness and any other night is the topic. This happens almost every night and has for as long as I can remember. And still when I could have moved out I didn’t and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m one of those codependent personalities or don’t want to be happy or as nuts as they are or the most likely all of the above. I have had horrible things done to me, but the worst is what I’ve done to myself by putting me in a situation where they again hold all the cards. And yeah..I’m feeling pretty worthless not working, I feel horrible that I never married or had kids of my own. I hate that I stayed here, that I chose to stay despite knowing it wasn’t healthy. It was what I have always known and I don’t know how to live outside of type s nightmare.
I’ve tried committing suicide several times before obviously with no success. The first attemp was at 17, then at 19 again at 22 and 23. And then at 29 several more half ass attempts in my 30s and 40s, I guess I’m not all that serious about it and yet I want it to end. All the pain and feelings of worthlessness and failure. I want the fighting to end. I don’t want to live my life in a constant war zone anymore. I won’t leave so what do I do?
I wash I could explain why I choose to stay in this prison vs. just leaving either by walking out the door or by being carried out in a body bag but I chose to stay until I can’t and I know when I finally leave, I will not be walking out, I will be being carried. God help me.
I’m so confused. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know where I stand with anyone anymore. I keep fucking everything up for everyone. My brain’s so fucked and I don’t know why. Maybe I do. I don’t know. I don’t know if my parents actually care about me.
They used to beat the shit out of me. They don’t seem to really remember that. I don’t think they understood just how bad they hurt me when they did what they did. I’m sure they’d think I was a ***** if I ever told them that “they hurt my feelings”, which sounds so stupid and childish. I’m stupid and childish. They had every right to beat me. I just wish they had hurt me more so I’d stop acting like such a fucking *****. That’s the only way I’d ever fucking shut up. But now, I need that more than ever because I’ve been talking and feeling shit and everything and I have nothing to control anything anymore. I need someone to beat me.
They stopped beating me as hard, and I hardly talk to them anymore. I’ll have to go home in 12 days. I can’t bear to be back in the house where I was raped as a kid. It happened more than once. I thought it was just once, but there were too many different things that I remembered, they didn’t line up. She did it more than once. I don’t know what to do. They’re both good people, my parents. They’re mostly good parents to my brother, my sister, and I usually, so what reason do I have to complain? I should be thankful for what I have. I’m so ungrateful. I wish they would hurt me again so I could learn to be grateful properly.
I don’t know what to do. No, that’s not true. I just don’t want to hurt people more than I already do. I know this is for the best in the long run, though, so I should just accept it. I’m so selfish, but I’m selfish whether I kill myself or stay alive at this point. If I kill myself, then I’m putting the ending of my own suffering above the cares of others, and that’s shitty; if I stay alive, I’m causing everyone I love so much pain and that’s shitty, too. There’s no non-selfish choice. I’m irredeemable at this point anyway. I’m damaged goods to the point that no one would want to buy me except out of pity. Even then, I’m more of a detriment than I ever could be a benefit.
I shouldn’t explain this to you. It’s selfish of me to take up your time with my grievances, but it’s selfish of me to be alive at all. Hopefully I will put an end to my selfishness soon, for everyone’s sake.
I’ve had left side flank pain on and off for four years now.
I finally got to see a GI specialist.
The specialist thinks my mental illness has caused my physical illness and pain for the past four years. That I have IBS and there’s nothing she can really do for me, and that psychiatric medication is probably my solution.
Unfortunately medication hasn’t been safe for me and no other treatments have helped me either.
I have already given mental illness the ability to make friends.
I have already given my mental illness educational opportunities.
I have given it my ability to support myself financially.
I have given it all my relationships with friends, family, and with significant others.
I have lost part of my journey in motherhood to my mental illness.
I have signed over my fertility to my mental illness.
I have given the very person I am – the mother, sister, daughter, and lover I wanted to be to my mental illness.
I have nearly given my life to my mental illness.
Yet here it is still devouring more of me.
I have nothing left to give.
I’m out of options.
At this point I need to assess my quality of life again.
I’ve been warned my whole life that if I didn’t get my mental health under control there would be physical consequences.
At age 26 that has finally been confirmed. It’s already been going on for 4 years.
My life will continue to deteriorate as everyone around me will inevitably grow more tired of me than I am of myself. My physical and mental health will also worsen.
It’s likely that I will lose custody and possibly visitation with both of my children, I will become homeless, and finally I will lose my humanity and I will be like an animal trapped in a cage.
There’s obviously not a timeline on that but I’m rotting away relatively quickly.
I have two options
Wait around and continue to rot living the best miserable life I can
Take control and end it before things get worse.
Please don’t tell me how I “may never know things may get better” I’ve been told by multiple professionals that I will only get worse as time goes on. Wellness isn’t an option for me.
I just need to determine as clear headed and thoughtful as possible what is enough.
People insist that suicide is a rash decision or one without thinking, but in my case that isn’t true. This is something that I have analyzed, prepared for, and planned right down to minor funeral details.
3 Months Ago i posted my first post here ”I Want to be Happy”.
Back in those days i told myself ”If things don’t get better by the end of this year (2018) i would end up my life”
Weeks after i wrote that post i was actually optimist, the things in my life got better, i trutly thought i would make another year. But it was just that, a delusional through.
But life beated me down.
The things that happened goes far from my control, i can’t help not even to myself, less to my family. and if it is not enough…
She found another dude, she told me she maybe like him, shattered, i ended up going out to my house from school (even though I had more classes) because i was close to have a nervous crisis. And it happened, i locked up myself on my room and it was crazy, i wanted to faint but i didn’t. IT WAS MY FIRST NERVOUS CRISIS IN 4 YEARS. I ended up trembling and crying in silence because i didn’t want my parents to be concerned about me.
I don’t know if i should writte the things just happened, by doing that i would not feel better, so i’m not going to do that, because i officially GIVE UP.
I just to ask to God; Why? It was neccesary? Why would you put beat me up like that? DO YOU HATE ME? I PRAYED TO YOU, I ASKED YOU FOR HELP, BUT I ENDED UP BEING THE FORSAKED, I CRIED TO YOU LIKE A MANIAC, but you never came to me, never
Job 3:3 Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it was said, There is a man child conceived.
I feel terrible, i never felt so down before, i can’t cry, just laying in bed for hours, i don’t want to eat, i don’t want to go to school, i can’t even talk, i can’t even sleep, and for the very first time music doesn’t help anymore in my depression.
I just want to be happy again I SWEAR I TRY TO BE, but i just can’t. Now nothings it’s going to keep me sane, back then, music/friends/movies/games helped a a lot, now i don’t enjoy nothing but sleep (and it’s hard to)
Don’t told me i didn’t tried because i did, I TRY TO LAUGHT, TO ENJOY, TO THINK IN GOOD THINGS BUT I CAN’T!
I think it’s the beggining of the end. Since the only things i enjoy it’s sleep, better get eternal sleep.
So who here is on medication? I’ll be seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow but some part in me wants to not take meds if I am prescribed one because of all the things I’ve read like it messes up your mind or brain chemistry or something. So what does it feel like when you take your happy pills? Do they even work? Has it messed up your thinking?
I have bad memories of someone who says, “if I had it my way I would put him in a looney bin” fuck if I had it my way if I was strong enough I would kill myself not just bored with my life not certain about this life and wish I had the strength to end it all bipolar sucks my life is worthless to me at such times but I know if I ever do kill myself if I ever do that it would destroy everything that loves me but it would good for all those who hate and or don’t like me I am that point in my life where I don’t care about what people say at such times but my existence causes pain and pleasure to myself and to others people like me shouldn’t even be alive biological father sexually assaulted my birth mother while she was twelve but the good news is I have a place of my own and been adopted in a good family but sometimes I still want to die just kill me someone.
These days I don’t feel anything. Things that I used to care about seem uninteresting.
I feel like I have been on a road to self destruction. I see myself doing things that I know will only hurt me, but I can’t bring myself to care. I can’t bring myself to care about anything anymore and that scares me.
My grades are slipping, my relationship with my parents is straining.
I know that I should try to fix everything while I still can, but I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do anything anymore.
The thought of dying have been on my mind more than usual. I am not even afraid anymore because the thought of dying is the only thing that brings me comfort and that, ironically, scares me.
Urghhh I just want everything to make sense.
Feeling like I’m going insane.
And I gotta play this game.
Alone and nobody gives a damn.
She said she’s my best friend but what?
Nobody hits up my phone up.
Everybody say they have depression and they’re all alone but it’s all just a facade. Like it’s trendy now to wear it as a badge of honor. When in fact you’re charged guilty pleading your honor.
Fk why I gotta bottle
Everything up inside
Gambling with my life like a lotto.
It’s past midnight.
Dreams of waking up to a better life, resting in peace.
I have a what from an outsider’s perspective a nice life. I have a loving family, nice grades, I don’t have any mental conditions, and I have nice things. But coming into my real life you see how horrible it is. I went to a nice school and I had bunch of friends, but I changed schools and everyone, EVERYONE hates me. I’m not exaggerating either, even my teachers hate me. I’ve never gotten a detention in my life, and now I’ve gotten 2 suspensions in three weeks. Think about it, it’s not me, it’s them. I am constantly bullied in school and beaten up. I come home almost every day making excuses to make my parents think I have a nice life. I would tell them the truth, but they would never understand. The only person I could relatively call my friend would just say I’m exaggerating, or I’m lying for attention.
I’ve cut a few times, knowing its horrible, but I do it anyway. That’s on the worst days. I do it when I’m so emotionally dead that I think I deserve it. I know I don’t.
I think every day about suicide, and I know I shouldn’t.
I hate myself for wanting that.
I hate myself for existing.
I hate life.
Two of my most recent posts got deleted I believe because I was linking to other websites. I know that this place is a safe space where I can vent out my frustrations without judgement, so I’m going to try again.
As I said, I don’t think I love my mother anymore. I wish I could make her see what she needs to reap when I heard that Trump is “transporting thousands of immigrant children into camp cities.” I outright said that I wanted to punch her. She chose Trump over her own autistic asexual child.
Trump turned my own people against each other as well as on me. There was a very vocal group of people within my own gender and sexual nonconformist community that were actually in favor of the other guy not being able to marry and raise children with the person of the same sex or gender that they love. Do I even need to mention that military ban?
Divide and conquer.
Now I really wish I was dead.
So here i am, idk where to start, but let me..
I am the first daughter of the family, i live in asia, and my mom really gives all the burdens to me. She really wants me to live her dream. I unconsciously live that way bcs i’ve been told the value of being obedient.
I have to meet their expectations, if i am not, maybe it was not a direct judge towards me but they’ll keep telling me abt how much i became a burden for them.
I can’t live it anymore, i have my own dream, my own life.
Now i am suffering from depression, idk what to do, i lost my motivation, and willingness to achieve my dreams
My mindset hasn’t changed since January, I still envision myself not existing anymore but I’ve gained more sorrow because I’m around my family more. It gives me guilt, makes me feel so selfish. For once I just wish I could envision being where I feel is home and building the life I’ve missed out on. I wish there was nothing wrong with me and I wish I was strong enough for my family and for my husband. I want to be better. Its almost, December.
She was drunk. Doesn’t that make it my fault? She was raped before. That’s the only reason she did it. She wouldn’t have done it to me if it wasn’t done to her. She was too drunk to know what she was doing and it wasn’t her fault, right? And God will condemn me for adultery and homosexuality. She’s taken any chance of heaven away from me. She stripped me of any hope for a future. There is nothing after this. Not even death could let me escape this hell. It’s never going to end and I am going to continue to be tortured by all of this. I should’ve told her no. She would’ve listened, even if she was drunk. I didn’t even try to stop her. Maybe it wasn’t even rape then, since I didn’t tell her not to. I couldn’t say anything because I couldn’t call for help and my brother and sister were sleeping. I could’ve figured something else out, though. I always do. I have to. I have to find a way out. I can’t be trapped like this anymore.
Besides, she’s a good person now. Why am I still harping on about something that happened 8 years ago? I should’ve dealt with it when it happened. Why did my brain shove this away until recently? Maybe I have to live in this hell. It’s my punishment. I shouldn’t have fucked everything up for her anyway. I ruined her life. I ruin everything. I am a mistake.
I won’t escape because I can’t escape.
I always try
To never cry.
Nobody must see
The tears coming out of me.
On the inside
My emotions hide.
So nobody can see,
That today I cry.
Very few people in my life have seen me cry and I like to keep it that way. My friends think of me as always being happy and this has been true for a little while. However, someone new come into my life a couple weeks ago and really messed with my head the last few days. He made me feel worthless and question everything good in my life. It made me have other struggles with close friends which caused me to be so upset that I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. While I was with this friend in person I managed to just keep my tears back but later on in the last couple days I’d just ball my eyes out and when I’d try to stop, my face literally hurt. I hated being in such emotional pain like that and when people say that crying is good for you because it relives stress, I completely disagree and I guess there I a reason I never cry no matter how upset I get. But all in all, today I cry.
They said your family, friends, or someone in this world
There must be someone who can help you
Ive tried it..
I try to tell them but they are not there
I try to tell my friends but they got annoyed and leave me at the end
I try to tell my mom but she just said get over it
I try to tell my sister but she just said im stress too
I try to tell my dad but he said you are worthy try your best
Im trying but i never been there
What I want to be
What I want to have
Please kill me
They said the one you left will have a scar
But should I care
When they dont even care about me
What is a family?
I dont understand
They are not
When I finally think I found the person(s) in my life to help me through hardships and show me that I can trust others again, I’m let down. Again. And again. And again. It’s to the point we’re I’m completely numb to it. I tell myself “You know it’s coming, it’s only a matter of time.” Then, eventually it happens. I tried to tell him that what he thought wasn’t true. That I just want him to understand. That I did appreciate him, but I need time for myself. He keeps thinking I’m making excuses not to talk to him. “You just don’t want to talk to me anymore.” “You always have time for yourself.” “You always find excuses to hang up on me,” things like that. I got so mad and frustrated during the call. Eventually I cracked. Giving him a snarky “GOODNIGHT (insert name here)” before I ended the call. He hasn’t called. He hasn’t said anything….
and I can’t seem to care..
It’s tough when your going through changes. It seems everyone wants to hold you back. As somebody with social anxiety it can get exhausting when others hate on you for breaking your shell. Many of these people are not even the social ones but rather the other quiet ones. They give me dirty looks that seem to be saying “You’re a loner, don’t even try!”. They may have given up hope but I still haven’t. I know i can overcome i Social anxiety. These days i just embrace all the weird feelings that come along with getting out of my comfort zone. And although I’ve been fighting this for 4 years now….I’ve made some pretty dramatic improvements. People keep trying to disencourage me but I keep trying everyday. I’ve been ridiculed, I’ve made many social interactions awkward, but i learned something each time and i continue learning. I’ve actually learned enough to the point where on somedays i don’t make anyone feel uncomfortable with my behaviour. And it’s not like I’m forcing myself to do this. I don’t like being in a shell, I actually love conversating with people. I am willing to admit that social situations terrify me sometimes. And i believe that’s what has allowed me to make progress. I started being honest with myself and i quit pretending like i didn’t want to join in on chats. I quit pretending like i was too busy on my smartphone to talk. I quit wearing earbuds as a defense mechanism. Today i was sitting alone at a table and i felt lonely so i got up and joined another group of people at a different table. I didn’t die, nobody told me to fuck off or respond in any negative way. But in my mind i was thinking “everyone knows I’m a loser for sitting alone” and that’s the kind of negative self talk that has trapped me in isolation for so long back in high school. Yeah it’s tough but i ain’t giving up. Somedays i feel like crying from all the embarrassment but i keep going. Somedays people make fun of me but then i come back the next day with a big smile on my face like it didn’t faze me. I know i ain’t the only one with SA so if you have SA i just wanna tell you that it is possible to overcome this. I ain’t there yet but I’m seeing drastic changes in myself. If somebody as socially anxious as me can heal then you can too. I used to be too scared to come out my house. I was so afraid of people. But i just took that first step and the rest followed afterwards. It ain’t easy but it’s worth it. You will feel like giving up, people will piss you off, people will make you sad, but that don’t matter because that’s just part of the process. It sounds simple but just don’t give up.
Last night, I had my 18th birthday. I invited 13 people. And only 4 showed up. We made so much food. The evidence of people not coming is still here. People just told me they couldn’t come last minute. I felt shitter as the night went on.
I had a 3 tier cake. A fire pit to roast marshmallows. Cocktails. Multiple games. In the end it didn’t matter what was at the party people still didn’t show.
It was half an hour until two of my friends showed. They were the first guests. I thought they were the only ones coming until another two showed up. I felt so relieved.
Two others who were supposed to come said they couldn’t come because: they forgot, and my other friend said her dog was sick and might be put down.
I don’t know if I should believe them, but when they told me, I felt sick. I was so embarassed and upset and mad. My four friends who actually came felt sorry for me and tried to make me feel better by telling how this party was so much fun.
Nevertheless, I cried myself to sleep last night, and I’m still crying. I have never felt so humiliated in front of everyone. Now they know how much of a loser I am.