I’m a 50 year old female who has never really lived and probably never will.

Look, I know I should take responsibility for my mistakes and failings but I feel trapped. It’s like I’m in a prison and there is only one way I’m getting out and that’s death.

It all started when I was 6, that’s when my step-father started molesting me. When I was 7 I told my mother what he was doing, that was the day she started beating me. When I was 12 he wanted to do more than fondle me and pleasure himself, when I said no he got into a mood and was angry with everyone. My mom asked what was wrong and I told him (btw she did nothing to stop him and never confronted him), she beat me until I agreed to do whatever he wanted.

That started the cycle, me trying to keep the peace making everyone else happy by sacrifing myself. Fast forward into my late teen years and that’s when I started eating myself to death. Call it comfort food or eaten nag my feeling or whatever, but food was is my drug of choice. Figured if I’m fat nobody would ever love me and guess that’s true.

I’m 50 and still live with the man who molested me and the woman who allowed him to. I stayed even when I had a great job and was making enough money to leave. Why? Self sabotage. As soon as anything was going well for myself, I’d mess it up and get fired or just change jobs. In the meantime I just kept getting fatter.

Now it’s all caught up with me…see I never put any money aside. I’d spend it as fast as I made it trying to buy people’s approval. My parents, brother niece and nephews, co-workers who have been my only friends in adult life until I change jobs. I ran up credit cards which ch was fine when I had the money to pay them, but what happened when there is no money. When I can no longer work because of health reasons caused by weight?

All those years I financially help my parents now I’m living off them. My choice is live on the street or be dependent on them. I have horrible credit, no “real friends”,  very little family and no financial means to be ake care of myself. I filed for disability 2 years ago and was denied. Weighing nearly 409lbs, having high blood pressure, diabetes, a bad heart valve, chronic asthma and bronchitis as well as needed both knees and 1 hip replaced along with clinical depression was not reason enough to need assistance. I also do not qualify for any kind of assistance or healthcare. So I have all of these health issues and cannot see a doctor. I screwed up my life.

There is no way out without living on street or just die. My mother and I found fight constantly and she plays my step-dad like a fiddle. Who would of ever thought that of those two toxic relationships the one I have with him is the healthiest and best of the two?? She is a diagnosed as bi-polar with narcissistic tendencies. Tonight she had one of her fits, because my brother has the audacity to want a relationship with his 18 year old son. My mother  did everything she could to undermine his relationship until my nephew was 14, that’s when my ex-sister in law took both kids away from all of us and left the state. 2 days ago they knocked on our door after 4 years, we should all be happy right now but my mother wants my nephew all to herself. Otherwise he’s not welcome in her house and my step-father is taking her side. We have all been miserable since we lost both kids and now we have another chance and they’re ruining everything. So she hits me during one of her tantrums and I push her down into the sofa using the palm of my hand on top of her head. Don’t like being hit or have things thrown at me and I’m told that she can hit me and I can’t defend myself. I’m also threatened to be thrown onto the street, reminded that I’m a horrible daughter and worthless human being. They pay my car insurance right now, so I’m told when I move out I cannot take my car which I paid for. I can only take what I can carry, although I paid for all my clothes, etc… And then I’m told not to leave or they’ll call the police and tell them I hit my mother, which I didn’t…she hit me and I pushed her down to defend myself.

Suicide sounds like a way out of this vicious cycle. Because the only difference between tonight’s madness and any other night is the topic. This happens almost every night and has for as long as I can remember. And still when I could have moved out I didn’t and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m one of those codependent personalities or don’t want to be happy or as nuts as they are or the most likely all of the above. I have had horrible things done to me, but the worst is what I’ve done to myself by putting me in a situation where they again hold all the cards. And yeah..I’m feeling pretty worthless not working, I feel horrible that I never married or had kids of my own. I hate that I stayed here, that I chose to stay despite knowing it wasn’t healthy. It was what I have always known and I don’t know how to live outside of type s nightmare.

I’ve tried committing suicide several times before obviously with no success. The first attemp was at 17, then at 19 again at 22 and 23. And then at 29 several more half ass attempts in my 30s and 40s, I guess I’m not all that serious about it and yet I want it to end. All the pain and feelings of worthlessness and failure. I want the fighting to end. I don’t want to live my life in a constant war zone anymore. I won’t leave so what do I do?

I wash I could explain why I choose to stay in this prison vs. just leaving either by walking out the door or by being carried out in a body bag but I chose to stay until I can’t and I know when I finally leave, I will not be walking out, I will be being carried. God help me.

So who here is on medication? I’ll be seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow but some part in me wants to not take meds if I am prescribed one because of all the things I’ve read like it messes up your mind or brain chemistry or something. So what does it feel like when you take your happy pills? Do they even work? Has it messed up your thinking?