Family & Friends Effects

“I contribute nothing. I’m useless. I need to stop acting like I’m depressed and start working.” Those are my mother’s words, not mine. If I talk back I get punished, if I try to help I get humiliated and degraded. Why should I be alive anyway? It’s not like I make anyone’s day better. It’s not like I’m helping anyone. Even the times I have helped someone, it must have been something I imagined because no one else remembers me ever helping anyone. Like, what am I even supposed to do? Everything just gets taken away from me. My parents just undermine all my efforts […]

uhhh i am feeling echoes right now like the emotion of buzzing like tv static being projected onto an old classroom projector

here is the events i just can’t process them right now but i need to put them somewhere just to put them outside of my head

so my little brother decided to drop in for a surprise visit and i’m playing host

my partner decides to postpone the usual shit he does to have a conversation/hang out with my brother

i am sort of joining in on the conversation mostly listening but the three of us are chatting.

this is the most conversation i’ve had with […]

i am semi nonverbal i think. i have a very low word stock.

like if i’m typing, depending on the headspace I can go on for a while, have a back-and-forth on discord for twenty or more messages in a row on a good day.

irl/spoken has less stock. i can talk a lot about my special interests specifically but not really as a back and forth and it has my natural speech pattern which is probably hard to follow. and when i infodump it tends to be about convoluted subject matter and jump place to place. but i haven’t actually […]

i’m going to scream all i’ve been doing for the past three days (between meltdowns+panic attacks) is scrubbing and cleaning to prepare for my partner’s birthday (because only three days ago he told me that we are hosting the party instead of having it at H’s house like usual) and it’s been physically exhausting and sensory hell and i’ve been perpetually soaked in filthy water.

usually i get up and then 2 or 3 hours later he wakes up but H is picking the both of us up an hour before i usually get up which means i’ll need to wake him up before she comes […]

I hate being awake I hate being asleep I hate being tired I hate eating I hate not eating I hate sweating I hate being wet I hate being damp I hate being dirty enough to taste it on my hands I hate being dirty enough to get another infection I hate not cutting I hate being caught cutting I hate when people talk to me I hate when people talk about me I hate when people see me I hate when people think of me I hate it when I can’t draw I hate when I can draw but the drawing ends up looking […]

My partner is aware that I cut and drink poppy milk and take other ppl’s meds and eat “bad” things (rancid meat, small objects, live bugs, little chunks of my thighs, etc). And when they find out they always shrug it off and either act like it’s normal or pointedly ignore it. They let me take care of them and fuss over their health and they’ll grumble about it sure but they never point out the blatant hypocrisy. They talk about my eating habits to their internet friends like it’s a funny party trick and sometimes I’m fine with that because at least they’re not […]