General

Realizing how much of a nobody I really am… is an interesting feeling. How worthless I really am. How little I truly deserve. The constant search for outside validation knowing I’ve earned nothing… How I have nothing of significance to offer the world, to the people I love dearly, to myself. Just… a nobody.

I think this is part of why I’m so terrified of becoming an adult. I am nothing. I have no goals. I’m not even sure I want to go to school after this. At least… not immediately. Maybe never. I’ll probably end up like most people with a degree that’s truly meaningless […]

tired of my shitty life
tired of being depressed all the time
tired of being chronically sick
tired of being physically fatigued all day every day
tired of being unable to sleep and get ACTUAL rest
tired of being lonely, no friends, no family (that cares), no S.O.
tired of being yelled, shamed, criticized by society for being sick/depressed/not working
tired of always being poor- can’t work and make money when you’re sick every day
tired of things just getting worse and worse

i just don’t see this cycle ending
i don’t see it getting better without help
i’ve been stuck in this sick wheel for […]

I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore. I obviously can’t take care of myself at all. I’ve ruined friendships, ruined any chances I’d had to improve my financial situation. I’m stuck and I know things will move further down, and I’m just trying not to drag my completely innocent roommate down with me. I don’t deserve the things I’d gotten. I deserve to be homeless and have nothing and noone because I’d gotten too much help. There are so many people who could take my situation and make it into something feasible. I’d love to switch places with them or something. Because I’m just […]

I wouldn’t want to be in a coma or anything like that, but I haven’t slept in 14 fucking years and I just want to fucking sleep- have GOOD RESTFUL sleep like a normal person like I used to- and wake up feeling refreshed instead of feeling like an exhausted zombie every fucking day.

My depression would be “cured” for the most part if I could just be healthy again- before my car accident fucked me up in so many ways and before I went to drs for “help” only for them to make me WORSE. fucking idiot evil drs.

anyway, fuck this shitty life […]

I need someone to physically help me- help me pack, drive me across the country (taking a flight is exhausting on my feeble body), and once I get there, I need help getting furniture and all the little things I need like soap, toiletries, curtain, bathmat, broom, etc. Cleaning the place, setting it up, buying the furniture and household items- I am stuck here where I am bc I KNOW what is in store for me when I get there and I have ZERO energy to do any of it.

Like I literally won’t be able to take a shower until I get […]

I am wasting my life away spending hours on SP as well as hours playing games and watching YT videos bc it’s staves off the immediate deep depression and distracts me for the short term. But I am not doing anything to get me out of this predicament. There are things I need to do like get ready to move but I am too fucking fatigued and tired every day so nothing gets done in that regard. And no, it’s not like “do a little each day.” My thing is I’m not sure I have the physical energy to pack and […]

I just read the letter she wrote me. I’m crying right now because I miss her so much. I want to reach out to her and maybe try to rekindle our friendship. I’m not going to obviously because she’d think I’m creepy and desperate (I am). I just feel so lonely and I wish I had her to comfort me. In her letter she said I was her “bestest friend” and “I make her happy when times are tough”… that’s exactly what I would say about her. I guess that was all a lie. I remember when she first gave me that letter. I […]

Every time I meet someone it makes me so happy. On Monday this week I helped someone carry a bag on the train station and last week I helped someone with directions. It made me very happy. I often smile when I see other people because they make me happy. I want to meet more people, I don’t want to be alone.

there’s so much i want to say but i don’t know how to say it.

It’s that time of year, talked to my psychiatrist today. I’m at the point in my life I see him four times a year, on average for the past three. We don’t tinker alot with my loadout. You know what’s fun? Normally I’d be really paranoid talking about my loadout, but none of you know my actual name or anything about me, so I can go full bore.

[Addendum to security nuts. I know I can be traced by the truly determined. I write too much for that to be a particularly interesting task. Relative bulk is part of my strategy]

since few apart from me care […]

What/when were some times when you felt really happy?

Something I think about a lot is unavoidable suffering, what you might call “existentially necessary suffering”. There’s the suffering that’s caused by our own minds, or inflicted on us by other people, which we can imagine might easily by relieved by a change in fortunes. But then there’s the suffering that’s “built-in” to the fabric of reality. The children born with agonizing degenerative illnesses. The animals doomed to be slowly torn to pieces in a competition for survival. The suffering that was in some senses required for this world, with all it’s beauty and wonder, to exist. You can think of it as “natural evil” […]

I don’t feel good. It’s like humans are always mean, angry.
Do you think that life/human experience will suck forever?
I believe that in the near future the human experience will be better because of some advancements in different areas. Or maybe it will still suck.

I’m not well. I wish all of it would stop. I know I’m weak. It just hurts. Life is shit. I’m just as bad. I’m too weak and pathetic to do anything about it. I’m useless. My life or death is meaningless. All of it is meaningless. I wish I could stop fucking everything up, I wish I could be more helpful when needed. I wish I was worth the love I’m given. I wish I wasnt so worthless. Wishes are meaningless.

I should stop complaining, I’m too much of a coward do anything anyway. Pathetic little coward. It would be better if people didnt have […]

Went to see a house today. A flat. I liked it. It’s enough for me. Though it’s not even a bhk, it’s a bk or an hk depending on what you call the main area. A room, a bathroom, a kitchen. And a balcony. I love balconies. That’s the main reason I liked it, that’s what differentiates it from where I currently live. Wish it had a natural view but I like seeing activities on street too. The nearby area has plenty of natural view, probably because it’s near to railway line. Anybody knows how’s sound of train 200 meter away from it?

Anything bigger is […]

*insert evil maniacal Mr. Burns laugh*

Everyone always says shit like “I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy.” Well I DO. I DO wish “it” on my enemy. And every single person that has NO sympathy, no empathy, no compassion or NO CLUE as to how being sick means I can’t do things anymore, how I can’t function anymore.

I wish I could give ppl a taste of what my health problems are like, for ppl to FEEL it, and have NO WAY OUT like I don’t. Go and tell me to “journal” or “think happy” one more fucking time.

I haven’t had any real sleep since my car accident. No, I was not driving, I was a fucking pedestrian.
Whatever the car accident did, caused me to be unable to have deep REM sleep, so I’ve been chronically tired ever since then. As you can imagine, I’m fucking tired and exhausted and I just want to fucking SLEEP!!! If I could stab someone and if that meant I’d be able to sleep again, I’d fucking do it.

I literally have not a single night of REAL sleep since then. It’s been 14 years. And no, it’s not due to “stress” […]

Story timeee

So, I got in the car after school ended, like usual, and my school does professional dress Mondays so I’m wearing a skirt. Well long story short, someone said bye to me so I looked back at them and apparently my skirt when up too high and when I sat down in the backseat my mom just looks and at and she says, “are you cutting?” anyways since she already saw them on my thighs, there’s no denying it so I just didn’t say anything. Also, its my stepbrothers birthday, and birthdays are supposed to be fun but idek with this one. The whole […]