General

i just want to die. i just want this to be over with

So I just got out of inpatient like maybe a week and a half ago and I’m feeling a bit better. Still sad and shit but better. Now I have motivation to do things

Boyfriend is very stressed and at the point of a mental breakdown. He might go inpatient. I’m scared of losing him and as much as I might not want him to go inpatient, if he needs to go I want him to go. Rn my primary stress is catching up on schoolwork and worrying about my bf. I’m just scared of losing him.

i’m done. i’m so unbelievably and inexplicably done. everywhere i turn i’ve got people telling me what’s wrong with me. i know i’m cold. i know i’m detached. i know i’d rather saw my own leg off than trust someone and i know i’m fucking mentally ill. so fucking what?  people try to fix me left and right but there’s nothing to fucking fix. “this isn’t who you are” how the fuck would you know who i am? how the fuck would you know what i have going on inside my head? i am who i am. this is who i am. i’m never gonna […]

Its funny. People might say suicide is the easy way out but one has to question:

Have you really been through enough to qualify saying that? And even if you have are you this specific person going through what theyre going through, feeling the way they do? I think not, and you never will. You can NEVER really say whats “easy” if you dont really know, now can you?

And the funniest part? People will still try to fucking argue it, even when they have no idea.

I love it when people stutter over their anwer/repeat themselves/or just plain having nothing to say. You clearly have no idea […]

down time is recuperative, because only then can I start to see the big picture, how I’ve followed instructions and made the best decision based on current data, and failed. The factor that I never accounted for is this; a no win scenario.

My motivation is such that I have to be entirely convinced that my work helps others, that I am not part of the system that has chewed me up and spit me out. I don’t see a job like that out there, and because I’m a man I’m socialized to equate my economic status with self worth.  There is no right path, and […]

Back when everything shut down, millions of people were having their life at their worst; but for me in only made me better. I stopped taking my meds because I no longer needed them, and I knew that I wouldn’t have to make contact with anybody for a while; it was the best mental break for me. The whole year I was happy spending my senior year of high school at home not having to make face to face contact with anybody. Now summer is over and I started college in person, and boy did I remember how much I hated school and all the […]

If you could get drunk with any animal and talk to them which animal would it be?

I worked for an attorney who was nothing more than a liar and a bully. It’s a long story, but the summary of it is this: I texted the attorney because there was an issue with a client. He called me back screaming and cursing at me. He was saying such cruel things. Telling me that he didn’t give a “f…” about my “itty bitty feelings.” He knows I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and PTSD. (my little girl was murdered). He continued screaming and cursing at me for over 5 minutes. Now he has lied to the Unemployment office telling them that I walked […]

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Today i want to high light ”respect”…something that is very important to me, which i assume applies to everyone us…we’d all like to be treated with respect. However i’ve noticed that i’m receiving less respect compared to 6 years ago. Well allot has changed in 6 years, with one big change being that i came out as a woman at 19 years old (i am transgender).

I’m starting to wonder if the lack of respect i’m receiving has anything to do with me now being in a feminine body…you see before coming out I’ve never had strangers sexually touch me without my consent, like grabbing my […]

One thing that really helped me to relieve the depression is micro dosing Cubensis or Magic Mushrooms. The last batch I used as medicine also had Lion’s Mane stacked together. I was pleasantly surprised at how much better I felt after a microdose.

I am also attracted to having an Ayahuasca healing session. I have heard many good things about Ayahuasca – like one session was worth ten years of sessions with a therapist. I never saw any value in burdening another human with the dark thoughts that haunt me.

It seems like Mother Earth has the medicine for us whenever we are ready to […]

Are there alternative versions of me out there in the multiverse? Ones that are sleeping contentedly in this moment, without this gaping hole inside? Ones that did some of the things I wish I’d done, and avoided the things I wish I hadn’t?

I need some way to hack into those alternate realities, and transplant myself into one. Any mad/genius scientists who happen to be reading and have a plan, I volunteer. God, to just wake up and find it was all a bad dream! That I wasn’t this pathetic isolated emotional cripple. To not be this insanely alone anymore.

Of course the simpler solution would be […]

I realize that this title is in use somewhere out there, but this rant/essay will deal ONLY with my feelings and me. Nothing else, in my world I consider others independent NPCs, I don’t need to understand them any more than I have to.

I had something blow up in my face. Specifically, I suddenly became unable to give myself the promised reward for my work earlier in the week. How did that happen? Read on.

I’ve been on a quest to get my house clean and organized. It’s thankless work, but it really needs to be done so trudge on I do. Often, I’ll use little […]

25 years. At this point, I don’t have the energy to even write. I’m not allowed to think. I’m not allowed to sleep. I’m a mindless drone that spends every cursed second of his life working like a slave for the benefit of those I hate. I’ve held on this long, because I held out hope that one day, things would change. One day, maybe I would be free. One day, maybe life would be fair to me, and give me a chance for a change. I’ve been chained to these hateful people since the day I was born, and I thought maybe one day […]

Sigh…

I don’t see how I won’t have depression when I’ve had it for 34 years.
I don’t see how “things will get better” when things have NOT gotten better, only worse, the last 15 years.

Are we doomed to be chronically depressed until we die?
That seems to be the case.

Like how many people (%) have eliminated depression for good?
All I hear are people who have been depressed and stay chronically depressed, and those who have depressed that comes and goes, but it always comes back at some point. Haven’t really heard many who went from depressed to happy and stayed content.

Im fed up with everything and everyone.

Im on therapy but after it I feel bad phisically bc Im trying to solve my biggest frustration in life: life itself.

Im not excited to go on. I wanna break up with my bf and kill myself.

My bf doesnt help me, he wants sex and dont care Im sick. I hate him.

i dont understand, i want help and push him as far away as i can…..

Hi , I didn’t thought I will write in this site again , but things has changed and only suicidals could understand me , I escaped my hell life to start a new life else where , far away , thought people will leave me alone , but they are not , it is suprising how people could make a supject or problem or interest in things that won’t affect them , and should not bother them, but what could make a joy for a person who have nothing to do in the evening,  except making joy of someone else story or life , I […]

Me: Depressed for 34 years
Severely Depressed for the last 15 years

It’s been so long, I don’t see how it gets better?

What I HATE is when stupid annoying people keep saying shit like “things will get better.” NO, it HASN’T for 34 frigging years. And how can ANYONE see into the future and say “things will get better” when NO ONE knows? And when you point that out, people just call you Negative. If you don’t “think positive” or say happy happy things, people just blame you for being “negative.” Even other depressed people. Even in depression meetings. […]