General

I’m so bored. I’ve done pretty much everything except for drugs. Maybe I should. I just want to feel something that’s not just… really heavy emptiness and boredom. I’ve listened to so many songs, I’ve watched movies, jerked off, I can eat as much junk food as I want to. But I don’t want to do any of those things. They’re all boring now. Yesterday and the day before that I went out, took a walk. Maybe two hours. I didn’t feel anything except pain in my legs. For like a month and a half I’ve been thinking of just, buying a bottle of vodka, […]

while i dont believe anyone should be desensitized to anything, some times one has to be to survive. and some times its best for these people to step down and allow those mentally capable to fight their battle.

rest, take a break.

This is actually my first time ever posting here. Although i have been logged in here for more than a week i used to read other’s posts only. After a lot of encouragement form my self i finally decide to write. My depression is pretty weird as in it isnt consistent. I cant sleep at nights cuz of the chest pain.

Why do people like to play mind or psychological games instead of being frank and honest?

maybe one day I’ll dance in a kitchen of my own. There might even be someone who will dance with me. Maybe their day will improve when they’re with me, and their eyes might light up when they see me. They might remember all the little things that I’ve told them about me, and some that I haven’t even voiced. We might bring out the best in each other, and even tolerate some things we hate just to see the other happy. And when that person inevitably doesn’t exist, maybe I’ll finally be able to forgive myself for being unloveable.

When is it my turn to feel loved? Everyone I’ve ever known has chosen someone else over me. I just want to know that I can make someone’s day brighter and that they want to do the same for me. The only person who makes me feel loved anymore is my mom, and that’s just not enough, especially given that she is often toxic and heightens my anxiety. All I’ve wanted for the past three years is to find a best friend or boyfriend, someone my age that will make me feel special. I haven’t even come close– I’ve been stood up on every date […]

Why are some humans so evil and stupid, why are some fake, why are some smart yet stupid or crazy at the same time

I’m finding out that I can’t really speak when I want to. I am fortunate to have decent parents. They are not perfect by any means, and when it come to my problems, they have stumbled in areas. But at the end of the day I know they care. So I thought about trying to talk about my problems a bit. Nothing too in detail. Just that I really need this medication and therapy or I might not make it through the summer without some sort of small breakdown. But I couldn’t even say that. I couldn’t say […]

I find it really frustrating that my best has never been good enough. For the most part I have always been fighting against depression, or whatever it is that is wrong with me. I’ve tried so hard. I just can’t seem to beat it.

I’m going to be trying shock therapy soon, and this will be the last thing I try. After that there is nothing left but another suicide attempt for me. At least I don’t have to write a note, because no one would ever read it.

The problem is me. My personality. The way I think about and react to things. I cause myself huge amounts of needless, pointless distress. But I’m also way too stubborn to change that. I’m so in love with hating myself at this point that I won’t ever let myself change.

I need a personality transplant. This one isn’t viable anymore. It sabotages any attempt to help it. The rot has gone too deep. I need to be brainwashed. Mindwiped. Reprogrammed. Basically I need someone to imprison me, erase all my memories, and totally retrain me like a newborn child.

Of course that isn’t possible. Any intervention depends […]

She and I work for a large grocery store chain. One of the biggest on the planet. She is easily 35 years younger than me, if not more. I would describe her as quirky and withdrawn. She mumbles, and moves slowly. She is an amazingly talented artist. I’ve seen her working on drawings and sketches in the breakroom during lunch. Im always fascinated by people who can draw, since I suck at it and would love to have the talent, and have complimented her work once or twice. Her face lit up with a smile both times. Yesterday, we were outside loading groceries into a […]

Talking to a crisis hotline today did not help me with the issues im facing. Ive had never ending traumatic events happen to me every month ever since last august and every1 has been involved. Human services, cps, behavioral services and now the cops. Im being accused of something i didnt do because my dad is out for revenge ever since i got him arrested for sexually assaulting my son. So hes been determined to ruin my life, hes already taken everything away from me, and made me and my kids homeless. But it wasnt enough for him. Now hes accussing me of ordering a […]

I’ve become more of an existentialist as my depression moved forward. Thus this joke only just struck me as funny. If you are an existentialist then the life you have is the only one you ever will, and possibly the only one in all of existence. We can’t verify that others experience things, so they are uncertain.

I’m trying to move on with my life. Tomorrow I’m calling HR and going to ask for leave and time, because my panic attacks have started to last hours […]

Everytime. Everytime I feel something I just belittle the emotions and push them aside, shut them off. I tell myself I’m an ungrateful asshole, that I don’t have any reason at all to kill myself, and then I hold it in until my mind is falling apart right now. Like right now. I watched Inception today and, for some reason it made me cry really hard after I had watched it. I remembered the way that I actually felt, but it’s not very clear to me now, maybe ten minutes later. I barely remember it, it’s so blurry. My mind is a such a ***** […]

It’s been 2 years, and I still regret it.

I and my bf just started our career.

i know my bf really a good person that i’ve ever met. But someday he got a pressure from his parents, and me as her gf help him to solve his problem of course.

But, I don’t know that the help turned into a pressure to for him, moreover he always says that’s ok.

one day, I found him and he cheated on me with his office mate.
tbh, that’s no the first time he cheated on me and I always have forgiven him.

I was pregnant. that’s a baby of me and […]

Hi.
I’m Yaya

As I talk about often, I’m a shadow of who I once was. That’s this era; shadow me going through the motions waiting to find a way out. The problem is that I’m screwed up. I lean in somewhat. I own that my nerves are shaky, and there is at least one day of the week that I need industrial strength sedatives to get through. It still gets worse.

So, we’re wrapping up the month, and suddenly I have to make a major task out of getting to all my clients. Right, that’s the script this week; run around, screw a reasonable amount up so that […]