General

Mood swings are the worst thing ever. Im so fucking exhausted of everything, everyday is literally a rollercoaster that never seems to end and I don’t think I’ll ever have stable emotions, nothing ever satisfies me and I can’t seem to find true lasting happiness, not even for one whole day. What tf is the point of living a life like this? I really don’t get it. I feel so empty inside and no matter what I try nothing ever works to make me feel better. I really hope I can go away from this world soon.

I allow myself to suffer when I know I deserve better. I feel as though i put myself through unnecessary pain. I allow others to hurt me, i hurt myself. Why cant i stop?!!! Im hurting physically, mentally and emotionally. I have taken several pills and mixed them with alcohol. I hope that it takes affect soon. I fear thar if i try and take my life again that i will fail and i cant handle that again. So i just want to numb the pain i wish for my death to be soon. I purchased life insurance and it will take affect starting february. […]

Lets go!! Its alright push it move it.. Doesn’t matter what the voices says… You are! Mentally strong!.. Keep moving keep It pumping!.. Your body is under your controll your mind and soul is also under your controll!!!!… Much love to me and those who sees!.. You can do it!

My tears fall,
The blood drips,
It tastes like iron,
3 bullets sit in front of me,
The razor knife sharps,
Greets itself again,
My tears keep falling.

No one or nothing comes.

But the burning pain soothes beyond what spirituality can comprehend.

I love the burn. And the blood that follows.

I stare at three bullets.
470.7mm.410
Which one will do it?

But the burn of a razor sharp knife wins. I want to hurt. I dont want immediate. I want the burn.

Drunk af. I know what i want. The fierce end. A bloody mess because it tastes like iron. A rust life has left behind.

I feel trapped.

Inside a really dark cage.

A cage of my own mind perhaps.

Where all I can do is suffer.

Scream.

Cry.

Be in pain.

Sometimes somebody comes inside this cage.

One day they come and give me a nice pat on the head.

Another day they come and give me an hug.

Other days they just don’t come.

But it’s always the same.

In the end I am on my own.

I understand that they can’t come here everyday.

I understand that they can’t break this cage.

So I can’t blame anyone.

Aside of myself.

I just hope this pain will end soon.

I am a fantasist. I’m massively emotionally invested in things that are impossible in reality. Which generates endless despair. But I don’t know how to stop wanting what I want. Some things just feel essential.

My fantasies are also terrible. The sickest, most deplorable things you could imagine. And yet they also feel wonderful and great. So that’s a massive headfuck. Huge amounts of shame, guilt, fear, and self-hatred. But it also feels amazing.

So that holds me back from pursuing anything real. I can’t let anyone else see the sickness inside me. And I can’t give it up. I can’t contaminate others.

So my life has no […]

I read your words, your poems. I am a writer as well. Have you noticed how creative all of us are? I have often wondered if depression is somehow linked to creativity. Either way I see brilliant minds in all of you!

I was messaged back by an old friend, someone I grew up with. Apparently they took my message as me pressuring them to see me and took a somewhat stern tone with me explaining how they’ve got bullshit going on…  And there I was right on the other end expecting them to be glad to communicate with me. God forbid we actually have a conversation.

It has finally been cemented to me that the only time people don’t want anything to do with their phone is when communication is involved.

And I know it’s obvious saying this, but that is unless it’s fucking Snapchat, Tinder, Facebook or TikTok. […]

I’ve been told how lucky I am all the time, good family, friends, and teachers. I’ve thought about this for a long time but today I just said why am I trying? I know deep down that I’m worthless and a terrible person. Ive done a lot of things I maybe shouldn’t have done. To my close friends and family I am a happy, positive girl but I just dont want to pretend Im someone else. I want to be free but the only way I see that happening is if I die. I was looking up different methods when I saw this website and […]

I’m not sure what I’m thinking. I’m not sure what I’m feeling. But I don’t like it.

I’m sensitive… To everything. And I just don’t want to anymore

Something I’ve never come to grips with and learned to work to my advantage merely because I don’t have the fucking patience and I don’t want to live in a world like that, I want to live in a world of people I identify with, is the fact that most people are so stupid that it’s hard to believe. Did god play some cosmic joke on us? I  really don’t mean this as an insult, I really don’t: I know I’m not the only who to this day is still immobilized by the incredulity of it all; This is not how I saw life going. Is […]