General

Been suicidal my entire life, in pain and tried very hard to get better, tried everything in my power. I got everything I need to go – I am just feeling a bit guilty but they will move on, how do I face the fear of it and get on with it? Scared of parents finding out or if I survive and they will be angry again, call me bad things agsin

My head still hurts a little. Whenever I get to that really panicked state of trying to find any possible way out, there’s a certain quality to the panicked head space that I didn’t feel this time around. It’s my thoughts begging me to finally be brave enough and just make this one last decision so I don’t have to make anymore. They are erratic and scared and loud and have this certain panicked feeling to them. I can’t really describe it, but it’s basically me trying to push myself as if I was someone else. Like I’m trying to […]

I’m so insanely tired. I just slept for the best part of 10 hours, and somehow I’m still tired. There’s just nothing in the tank. My body aches. My mind is numb. I have no drive to do anything.

What’s my motivation here? To try to suffer a little bit less? Seems sensible. But I can’t bring myself to actually care. The things I actually want from life are fantastical/delusional. All I’m left with is damage control – trying to limit the pain. However bad it is right now, it can get so much worse.

But emotionally, I’d rather just stop.

I can’t fucking do this, I can smell the humidity in the air, the scent of summer and the dirt and cicada and the leaves with holes that bugs chew out. The dirty manmade pond and water, the moss and mold, the dirty plaster walls and how I dug and drew on it witb the keys to the only place I knew home. The stickiness in the palms of children holding their money and coins thinking that one comic book and some crossfire skin was all they need in being alive. The oxidized metals and plastic and rusty bikes layed in layers of spiderwebs […]

Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die

I wish I had an amazing life like in sci-fi movies

I want everything to stop, this weird lumb on my throat that insists even physical harm is less painful, the self hate which says everyone is perfect except me, the feeling  of being a burden to my family,  the guilt I’m feeling for stuff I did years back. I’m a very horrible person indeed, nobody is interested in me. My friend had cut all ties with me, my proposal got rejected and I’m constantly being mocked at for making a stupid proposal. I felt very emotional one day and ended up opening up to a friend I’ve known for three months. Now I’m embarrassed and […]

That sums it up. I deserved to live a good life without so much pain. But with time I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter what you deserve you get whatever you’re given. I’ve had so much pain in my life, been in the darkest holes. Each time I had to pull myself out because no one could help me but me. I had the will to do it then but now as I am older I feel what’s the point I only end up back again to a darker and deeper hole. And so I have chosen to stay this time and I […]

Do you know how hard it is to meet new people these days? It’s next to impossible, especially if you’re a guy. Try online dating sites? Women get bombarded with messages at a ratio of like 100:1. Good luck breaking through that wall.

So I live with this chick – roommate, I have a thing for her. Her boyfriend did live here, but he choked her out to the point she nearly passed out and I escorted him out myself.

About eight months later, she’s still seeing him, still getting routinely battered by him, and even despite knowing I like her.. okay, you’ve probably heard […]

Not suicide related

Nothing brings me joy, it could be said that I brought this upon myself though. The world situation isn’t helping though. And I don’t believe the mainstream media.
I’m not suited for this life or world. I have never been. If I died by accident, that would be great. Although I wouldn’t want to leave my mother behind like that, she kinda relies on me at the moment :\
I’ve had a rather miserable life (some of which I’ve probably created on my own) and I’ve also had good moments.
I’m under 30 but I’ve been around enough. Not going to force that […]

I want to stop being me. I’m constantly making myself miserable, and I don’t think I can change. I’m just too broken – it’s like I’m addicted to being unhappy. It goes too deep – there’s no decent person left to salvage. Rotten to the core etc. I hate myself, and yet I love hating myself. I want it all to stop. I want me to stop – no more thoughts, no despicable monstrous feelings, no sensations. Take me apart and let my matter become other things, that don’t hate themselves or the world.

But I don’t want to devastate my family. Especially my mum. They’ve […]

All my life I’ve been taught to suppress my emotions. Boys don’t cry. Men don’t cry. Suck it up. Be tough. How do I suppress the emotions of being molested by my sister? Am I supposed to suck it up and be tough and “do what your sister tells you” when she’s using a 5 year old boy for her twisted sadistic pleasure? Was I supposed to be tough? If that wasn’t bad enough, to be punished for it by my parents at the hand of religious fundamentalism. Emotions. Can we start with anger? My father. The tough one. The one that verbally, physically, and […]

Life. Aka torment. Death. Escape, silence, peace. Aka better than torment.
God. A puppet master who has us all on strings, bringing about calamity or blessing according to his sick, twisted, self serving will.
Failure. My life is riddled with it. My life as a whole defines it.
Purpose. We have none. See above. Don’t really care anyway.
Get me out. I need to escape this torment.
The voices tell me I’m weak and worthless. An utter waste of existence and a gross disappointment to everyone that knows me or claims to love me. The voices are there constantly. Running me down. Confirming everything they tell me everyday through my […]

I would kill myself but I don’t because at the moment I don’t have a more painless method of choice.

…to die, that is. Not that I’m going to try and do that anytime soon because reasons.
Just look at the state of the world. And alternative views are always made to look wrong and crazy. It seems that people aren’t allowed to have alternative views anymore!

It’s not going to get better. Well at least I think it won’t, from what I keep seeing. What’s going on now, isn’t ok.

Decided to come back again and write some more pitiful poetry. Well, kind of I guess. This time it is not about a mask, I think since then I have begun to accept it as a reality and perhaps that may contribute to the reason I feel like running away. This is my life now. You know, when I was in my depressed in my teens this is exactly how I imagined my life in my 20s (assuming then that I would make it to my 20s). Drunk, lonely, and fucking miserable. This freeloading sack of shit is precisely what I envisioned my life would […]

Ah, this site. You just can’t escape it. First posted here when I was 16 and now I’m almost 30. Been away for a decade and now I’m back. I’m writing this not having any idea what I’m going to write, very rare for me. Hoping that I’m going to find someone here , even though I don’t know who I’m looking for. Pretending that this post won’t be just a flash in the sea of other posts.

Who I am looking for? I guess there are several answers. First is someone who goes through the similar thing I am going through. Someone who thought he […]

I’m lost. I’m lost and tired. Tired of always being a disappointment to everyone everywhere. Tired of no one loving me the way I love them. My own mother can’t even try to listen with some kind of compassion when I’m in pain. I lost all my old friends to my narcissistic ex husband who makes an impressive (to everyone but me) high six figure salary for someone who didn’t even go to college and bull shits his way through life. (They all followed the money.) And because of that, he always hold over my head that he can take the kids at a drop […]