General

Humans are just capitalist robots/machines. fuck it ! biological sack of shits. Programmed just simply only to survive, and repeating boring shits routines everyday. Most humans are laughable in all their so-called “works, jobs, business, professional” yada yada fucking menial & tedious boring shits like that. What is all of this, seriously? Is that all there is to our supposedly meaning of life? Is that all there is to our so-called “purpose” ? Fuck it all ! We are going nowhere. And even if we do, our so-called “progress” is still laughable, when compared to our most creative & wildest imaginations & fantasy. And most […]

if you ever need someone to talk to, please email me.

you are loved. i love you.

siaaaaa114@gmail.com

suicidal thoughts I just can’t seem to shake- but is it really unhealthy to have these? even when there is a 95% change I will not go through with it? I cannot keep changing medication, I am finding it very hard to accept my mental illness, bipolar II, but I cannot handle changing meds again. Does anhyone have positive experineces with EMDR or other forms of talk therapy? The worse I feel, honestly the less I want to even try new medications, because for the most part, I can deal with these feelings. On nights like tonight though, when I let myself get fucked up- […]

How can I stop this feeling?

I noticed after a month that my old scars from knives still haven’t healed. That’ll be very problematic if the Bio-Oil doesn’t work it’s magic…

I tried heating a spoon up over fire and sliding it across my skin. It gives a little relief, but it’s not the same… it doesn’t look the greatest either.

I wish I could cut myself to feel better and not have to deal with the scars. Haha.

i can barely think. it’s as if my brain had stopped running. i don’t know how or what or why, i don’t know how i feel.my emotions and thoughts feel mechanical if i try to observe myself with attention, but if i don’t try i can barely notice a thing. nothing really goes on in my head anymore.
but this is normal.

i just want to be back to being miserable, i miss having an episode, i wish i could cry and go into panic attacks, i don’t know who i am without those emotions. that was once the only acceptable state i could see myself in, […]

I have no real outlet for the loneliness I feel. Reaching out to others doesn’t help. I’ve cut myself off from everyone morally and psychologically. Which means all I have is myself. And I’m tired of me.

I wish I could go back to before I made myself this. So much of the time, I want not to be me anymore. For the self-awareness to be gone. So I can experience the world fully again, without the burden of my identity.

It’s such a waste of a life, to be so inhibited. Someone else could be using this oxygen, and really making the most of it. I […]

i have no where else to say this. a few days ago i called my dad out on making racist comments/jokes. he was not happy at all. my son is half black so it is unacceptable to me. i don’t care if it’s jokes to him it’s simply not what i want my son to grow up hearing. so anyways it’s been a few days later and we have not spoken. which i am okay with. he doesn’t realize his toxic behaviors towards me. it sucks i live hear and under certain circumstances i am stuck here. i am stuck forever or at least for […]

It’s getting a lot harder to fight against this feeling anymore… I’m trying so hard to get better. To feel better. To act better. I’m trying to think in a better manner. Think in a way that doesn’t jump to death right away. But it’s getting tiring, and I’m not sure I have the endurance to keep going

I found a few things that I care about a lot recently. Things that give me a bit of life. But today especially, they’re not enough.

As much as I want to learn the language that I’ve been devoting my time, or practice the sport that I’ve discovered, or […]

I feel like I have a blockage, I feel like a prisoner, like I can’t escape, like I can’t keep evolving, I feel stuck. Feeling like I can’t take it anymore.

As short as life is, i’m sick of actual living. My forth coming. My shit family that i was born into, literally almost no help or friends. Just me and my suffering. Just me and misery. And health problems you do get in life, don’t get better. They gradually get worse and worse until your problems consume you. I wish i was much more careful and wary as a kid. But thats not how life works. Any given day, your life can change for the worse or better and what happens, can be for the rest of your life. You know people out in prison […]

help

I wish I meet people who resemble me, who can understand me, who share my point of view or ideas, and together we try to achieve some things.

Not suicide related

This world is fucked. It won’t ever be the same again. Well, the world was already pretty bad anyways.

Hopefully I’ll be dead in the next year or so, I still have commitments, and again, it’s not easy to die, or many more would be doing it.
(Wouldn’t want to fail at that…)

Look at brain damaged people in wheelchairs for example. I’m not belittling them or picking on them. Why would anyone want to ‘live’ like that? It looks like a non existence to me.
Yeah brain damage can happen if you don’t succeed at suicide…

Part of me wants to live and hope that […]

i need help

To people who just don’t have a clue? When the burning feeling inside starts and you want to claw at anything…the Walls your skin. When every inch of you wants to not be alive anymore. It’s these moments that are the most lonely for me. No matter how much I try to reach out to people or even explain it’s like they hear me but they are not listening. Im a loving and accepting person but no matter how often I extend my hand to people to try feel less lonely nobody wants to know. They never recpicrocate. People in my life would much rather […]