General

Believe it when I say tried to kill myself.

I caught a plane to Vietnam on the 15th of May 2020 – the plan was to have a good ..meal..have some decent sex then end it with a gun shot wound as I would be using the little savings I had left for a pleasurable time then go out with a bang. Unfortunately it was not meant to be. My Visa got approved online but upon arrival at the international Vietnamese airport they retracted granting people Visas because of the Corona Virus. Me and 20 other nationals from Russians to Canadians were returned back to our […]

I wish I could turn off my thoughts
I just want to sleep
I don’t want to be a burden
I don’t want to be awful anymore
I wish I could cope

Hello..

It’s been a very long time, though nothing has changed has it?

Wisdom and knowledge is learned only through progressing ones intentions to do so. Its overrated. Why try to be the best person you you can be if everyone is the same. What’s to be gained from hard work other than currency? “Buy the ticket take the Ride”. I refuse to buy the ticket because I know my future. I know the highs and lows, how the game is played and I want no part of it. The “Cake” is a lie. There is no reason to fight to reach oblivion or paradise. […]

im cancelling my appointment with my psychiatrist. i already stopped seeing my therapist (but that was her own doing for not getting ahold of me when this whole pandemic thing started and its not like i didnt try. i called several times.) my friend bugged me and bugged me for years saying he would feel better if i was getting help. well now i can either not tell him and the only way he would know is if i told him or tell him which i really dont want to do. im not even sure why im putting this up for suggestions i probably just […]

What do you think about these riots in the USA?

I can’t afford this rn. Its just not right. I have to do what I have to do. I shouldn’t do what I am doing. I have to be alright. I can’t go back into this. It’s been almost 10 days so now I can’t slide back into that again. I have to stay outside. I must stay outside of it. I can’t let it control me again. I can’t afford to have my head messed up again. I can’t spend hours wishing for nothingness. I can’t afford this at this point. I need to work hard. I have to keep pushing myself. Doesn’t matter […]

There are many lost brilliant ideas & visions, because of various limiting factors in life/society/existence, even including seemingly random factor such as “luck/fortunate”

I don’t think people deeply realize about this reality,
& how depressing it is for those who have failed

You don’t die but the life you currently know is gone. You get to restart. You select the age and then click the restart button. You don’t remember anything but you have faint memories of the ones that harmed you. Just enough to know you should avoid them other then that everything past the selected age is forgotten.

I’d pick age 9 as my restart date. well…i have reasons for picking the day I was born to. Like how my mother threw my biodad out of my life. Or left me to starve so she could go… Maybe I should just pick the day I […]

Stereophonic hypnotism,

acute memories taken up space,

desired to be defined through eloquent soliloquy,

violins seem to be serenading me, victim activism.

nicotine medicine or virus, life taken at my own pace.

Wordpress Serifs to express all that eats at me,

dichotomy of a soldier on a mission.

living for a taste,

of euphony, ecstasy, sexual expression smiles silent,

hearts swallowed whole by intimacy.

Feels like I’ve been graced,

by habitual gravitation.

pulled together again,

by the stitches of her imagination.

Black doves engulfed in the fire of the sunset,

flitting away somewhere sweet.

hands in hearts in knots and anxiety,

she will someday set me free.

I saw my stepdad and now I’m slowly recovering from a massive panic attack. My chest hurts my gut is upside down. As much as I hate change I should move far away so I never have to see anyone ever again.

I feel so awful – in myself. And it’s not that I don’t deserve to. I’m a truly shitty person. But there’s no way out from under it.

There are things I can do to be less shitty. In some ways I’m significantly better than I used to be (though in others I’m possibly worse.) But no matter what I do, I can’t get back to neutral. To the position where I can look others in the eye again. I could cure cancer, and I’d still be scum. If anything, the feeling gets worse the harder I try – the more I have to interact with […]

I have no more energy left in me.

I’m craving for the long sleep. Longing for not having to wake up in the morning.

I want to be forgotten. But even more to forget. Forget everything. The die was cast. I lost. It sucks but it’s okay. Rules are rules. No regrets, no remorse. No one is to blame. It’s  no one’s fault. I don’t have to like it but I can take it. Not lamenting or whining. No complaints. I’m aware other have had it much much worse.

But having to stay here. Having to see my failure everyday in the mirror. Having to face my inaptitude […]

Seriously, what’s up with all the writing off of and denying of people their suffering in modern society with asinine platitudes, etc;?

Why everyone says things like “But it made you stronger”?

If you were a child you didn’t need to be stronger. You needed to be safe.

I wish these assholes would wake up and smell the coffee…

I wonder if there’s a relatively new source to all this quasi-positivistic crap, from within the last century and a half or so.  I think someone posted on here about Freud’s nephew introducing the concept of creating a consumer society to corporations and […]

Ain’t no love in the heart of the city
Ain’t no love in the heart of town